THE COMIC ENGLISH GRAMMAR:
A NEW AND FACETIOUS INTRODUCTION TO THE ENGLISH TONGUE.
By Percival Leigh
Embellished with upwards of forty-five Characteristic Illustrations By
John Leech.
1845.
PRELIMINARY DISCOURSE.
Fashion {003}requires, and like the rest of her sex, requires because
she requires, that before a writer begins the business of his book, he
should give an account to the world of his reasons for producing it; and
therefore, to avoid singularity, we shall proceed with the statement of
our own, excepting only a few private ones, which are neither here nor
there.
To advance the interests of mankind by promoting the cause of Education;
to ameliorate the conversation of the masses; to cultivate Taste, and
diffuse Refinement; these are the objects we have in view in submitting
a Comic English Grammar to the patronage of a discerning Public.
Few persons there are, whose ears are so extremely obtuse, as not to
be frequently annoyed at the violations of Grammar by which they are so
often assailed. It is really painful to be forced, in walking along the
streets, to hear such phrases as, "That 'ere omnibus."
"Where've you bin?"
"Vot's the odds?" and the like. Very dreadful expressions are also used
by cartmen and others in addressing their horses. What can possibly
induce a human being to say "Gee woot!"
"'Mather way!" or "Woa not to mention the atrocious "Kim aup!" of the
barbarous butcher's boy.
It is notorious that the above and greater enormities are perpetrated
in spite of the number of Grammars already before the world. This fact
sufficiently excuses the present addition to the stock; and as serious
English Grammars have hitherto failed to effect the desired reformation,
we are induced to attempt it by means of a Comic one.
With regard to the moral tendency of our labors, we may be here
permitted to remark, that they will tend, if successful, to the
suppression of _evil speaking _; and as the Spartans used to exhibit
a tipsy slave to their children with a view to disgust them with
drunkenness, so we, by giving a few examples here and there, of
incorrect phraseology, shall expose, in their naked deformity, the vices
of speech to the ingenious reader.
The {004}comical mind, like the jaundiced eye, views everything
through a colored medium. Such a mind is that of the generality of our
countrymen. We distinguish even the nearest ties of relationship by
facetious names. A father is called "dad," or "poppa;" an uncle, "nunkey
and a wife, a "rib," or more pleasantly still, as in the advertisements
for situations, "an encumbrance."
We will not allow a man to give an old woman a dose of rhubarb if he
have not acquired at least half a dozen sciences; but we permit a
quack to sell as much poison as he pleases. When one man runs away with
another's wife, and, being on that account challenged to fight a duel,
shoots the aggrieved party through the head, the latter is said to
receive _satisfaction_.
We never take a glass of wine at dinner without getting somebody else to
do the same, as if we wanted encouragement; and then, before we venture
to drink, we bow to each other across the table, preserving all the
while a most wonderful gravity. This, however, it may be said, is the
natural result of endeavoring to keep one another in countenance.
The way in which we imitate foreign manners and customs is very amusing.
Savages stick fish-bones through their noses; our fair countrywomen
have hoops of metal poked through their ears. The Caribs flatten
the forehead; the Chinese compress the foot; and we possess similar
contrivances for reducing the figure of a young lady to a resemblance to
an hour-glass or a devil-on-two-sticks.
There being no other assignable motive for these and the like
proceedings, it is reasonable to suppose that they are adopted, as
schoolboys say, "for fun."
We could go on, were it necessary, adducing facts to an almost unlimited
extent; but we consider that enough has now been said in proof of the
comic character of the national mind. And in conclusion, if any other
than an English or American author can be produced, equal in point of
wit, humor, and drollery, to Swift, Sterne, Dickens, or Paulding, we
hereby engage to eat him; albeit we have no pretensions to the character
of a "helluo librorum."
"English {005}Grammar," according to Lindley Murray, "is the art of
speaking and writing the English language with propriety."
The English language, written and spoken with propriety, is commonly
called the King's English.
A monarch, who, three or four generations back, occupied the English
throne, is reported to have said, "If beebles will be boets, they must
sdarve." This was a rather curious specimen of "King's English." It
is, however, a maxim of English law, that "the King can do no wrong."
Whatever bad English, therefore, may proceed from the royal mouth, is
not "King's English," but "Minister's English," for which they alone-are
responsible.
King's English (or perhaps, under existing circumstances it should
be called, _Queen's_ English) is the current coin of conversation, to
mutilate which, and unlawfully to _utter_ the same, is called _clipping_
the King's English; a high crime and misdemeanor. Clipped English, or
bad English, is one variety of Comic {006}English, of which we shall
adduce instances hereafter.
Slipslop, or the erroneous substitution of one word for another, as
"prodigy" for "protegee," "derangement" for "arrangement," "exasperate"
for "aspirate," and the like, is another.
[Illustration: 015]
Slang, which consists in cant words and phrases, as "dodge" for
"sly trick," "no go" for "failure," and "camey" "to flatter," may be
considered a third.
Latinised English, or Fine English, sometimes assumes the character
of Comic English, especially when applied to the purposes of
common discourse; as {007}"Extinguish the luminary," "Agitate the
coramunicator," "Are your corporeal functions in a condition of
salubrity?" "A sable visual orb," "A sanguinary nasal protuberance."
American English is Comic English in a "_pretty particular considerable
tarnation_" degree.
English Grammar is divided into four parts-Orthography, Etymology,
Syntax, and Prosody; and as these are points that a good grammarian
always stands upon, he, particularly when a pedant, and consequently
somewhat _flat_, may very properly be compared to a table.
PART I. ORTHOGRAPHY.
CHAPTER I. OF THE NATURE OF THE LETTERS, AND OF A COMIC ALPHABET.
Orthography is like a schoolmaster, or instructor of youth. It teaches
us the nature and powers of letters and the right method of spelling
words.
Comic Orthography teaches us the oddity and absurdities of _letters_,
and the wrong method of spelling words. The following is an example of
Comic Orthography:--
islinton foteenth of my {008}Deer jemes febuary 1844.
wen fust i sawed yu doun the middle and up agin att the bawl
i maid Up my Mind to skure you for my oan for i Felt at once
that my appiness was at Steak, and a sensashun in my Bussum
I coudent no ways accom For. And i said to mary at missis
Igginses said i theres the Mann for my money o ses Shee i
nose a Sweeter Yung Man than that Air Do you sez i Agin then
there we Agree To Differ, and we was sittin by the window
and we wos wery Neer fallin Out. my deer gemes Sins that
Nite i Ha vent slept a Wink and Wot is moor to the Porpus
i'Have quit Lost my Happy tight and am gettin wus and wus
witch i Think yu ort to pitty Mee. i am Tolled every Day
that ime Gettin Thinner and a Jipsy sed that nothin wood
Cure me But a Ring.
i wos a Long time makin my Mind Up to right to You for of
Coarse i Says jemes will think me too forrad but this bein
Leep yere i thout ide Make a Plunge, leastways to aUThem as
dont Want to Bee old Mades all their blessed lives, so my
Deer Jemes if yow want a Pardoner for Better or for wus nows
Your Time dont think i Behave despicable for tis my Luv for
yu as makes Me take this Stepp.
please to Burn this Letter when Red and excuse the scralls
and Blotches witch is Caused by my Teers i remain till deth
Yure on Happy Vallentine
_jane you No who_.
poscrip nex sunday Is my sunday out And i shall be Att the
corner of Wite Street at a quawter pas Sevn. {009}
Wen This U. C. remember Mee j. g.
[Illustration: 018]
Now, to proceed with Orthography, we may remark, that a letter is the
least part of a word.
Of a _comic letter_ an instance has already been given. Dr. Johnson's
letter to Lord Chesterfield is a capital letter.
The letters of the Alphabet are the representatives of articulate
sounds.
The Alphabet is a Republic of Letters.
There {010}are many things in this world erroneously as well as vulgarly
compared to "bricks." In the case of the letters of the Alphabet,
however, the comparison is just; they constitute the fabric of a
language, and grammar is the mortar. The wonder is that there should be
so few of them. The English letters are twenty-six in number. There
is nothing like beginning at the beginning; and we shall now therefore
enumerate them, with the view also of rendering their insertion
subsidiary to mythological instruction, in conformity with the plan on
which some account of the Heathen Deities and ancient heroes is prefixed
or subjoined to a Dictionary. We present the reader with a form of
Alphabet composed in humble imitation of that famous one, which, while
appreciable by the dullest taste, and level to the meanest capacity,
is nevertheless that by which the greatest minds have been agreeably
inducted into knowledge.
THE ALPHABET.
A, was Apollo, the god of the carol,
B, stood for Bacchus, astride on his barrel;
C, for good Ceres, the goddess of grist,
D, was Diana, that wouldn't be kiss'd;
E, was nymph Echo, that pined to a sound,
F, was sweet Flora, with buttercups crown'd;
G, was Jove's pot-boy, young Ganymede hight,
H, was fair Hebe, his barmaid so tight;
I, little Io, turn'd into a cow,
J, jealous Juno, that spiteful old sow;
K, was Kitty, more lovely than goddess or muse;
L, Lacooon--I wouldn't have been in _his_ shoes! {011}
M, was blue-eyed Minerva, with stockings to match,
N, was Nestor, with grey beard and silvery thatch;
O, was lofty Olympus, King Jupiter's shop,
P, Parnassus, Apollo hung out on its top;
Q, stood for Quirites, the Romans, to wit;
R, for rantipole Roscius, that made such a hit;
S, for Sappho, so famous for felo-de-se,
T, for Thales the wise, F. R. S. and M. D:
U, was crafty Ulysses, so artful a dodger,
V, was hop-a-kick Vulcan, that limping old codger;
Wenus-Venus I mean-with a W begins,
(Veil, if I ham a Cockney, wot need of your grins?)
X, was Xantippe, the scratch-cat and shrew,
Y, I don't know what Y was, whack me if I do!
Z was Zeno the Stoic, Zenobia the clever,
And Zoilus the critic, whose fame lasts forever.
Letters are divided into Vowels and Consonants.
The vowels are capable of being perfectly uttered by themselves.
They are, as it were, independent members of the Alphabet, and like
independent members elsewhere, form a small minority. The vowels are _a,
e, i, o, u_, and sometimes _w_ and _y_.
An I. O. U. is a more pleasant thing to have, than it is to give.
A blow in the stomach is very likely to W up.
W is a consonant when it begins a word, as "Wicked
Will Wiggins whacked his wife with a whip but in every other place it
is a vowel, as crawling, drawling, sawney, screwing, Jew. Y follows the
same rule.
A consonant is an articulate sound; but, like an old bachelor, if it
exists alone, it exists to no purpose.
[Illustration: 021]
It {012}cannot be perfectly uttered without the aid of a vowel; and even
then the vowel has the greatest share in the production of the sound.
Thus a vowel joined to a consonant becomes, so to speak, a "better
half:" or at all events very strongly resembles one.
A dipthong is the union of two vowels in one sound, as ea in heavy, eu
in Meux, ou in stout.
A tripthong is a similar union of three vowels, as _eau_ in the word
beau; a term applied to dandies, and addressed to geese: probably
because they are birds of a feather.
A proper dipthong is that in which the sound is formed by both the
vowels: as, aw in awkward, ou in lout.
An {013}improper dipthong is that in which the sound is formed by one of
the vowels only, as ea in heartless, oa in hoax.
According to our notions there are a great many improper dipthongs in
common use. By improper dipthongs we mean vowels unwarrantably dilated
into dipthongs, and dipthongs mispronounced, in defiance of good
English.
For instance, the rustics and dandies say,
"Loor! whaut a foine gaal! Moy oy!"
"Whaut a precious soight of crows!"
"As I was a cornin' whoam through the corn fiddles (fields) I met Willum
Jones."
"I sor (saw) him."
"Dror (draw) it out."
"Hold your jor (jaw)."
"I caun't. You shaun't. How's your Maw and Paw? Do you like taut
(tart)?"
We have heard young ladies remark,--
"Oh, my! What a naice young man!"
"What a bee--eautiful day!"
"Im so fond of dayncing!"
Again, dandies frequently exclaim,--
"I'm postively tiawed (tired)."
"What a sweet tempaw! (temper)."
"How daughty (dirty) the streets au!"
And they also call,--
Literature, "literetchah."
Perfectly, "pawfacly."
Disgusted, "disgasted."
Sky, "ske--eye."
Blue, "ble--ew."
We might here insert a few remarks on the nature of {014}the human
voice, and of the mechanism by means of which articulation is performed;
but besides our dislike to prolixity, we are afraid of getting _down in
the mouth_, and thereby going the _wrong way_ to please our readers.
We may nevertheless venture to invite attention to a few comical
peculiarities in connection with articulate sounds.
Ahem! at the commencement of a speech, is a sound agreeably droll.
The vocal comicalities of the infant in arms are exceedingly laughable,
but we are unfortunately unable to spell them.
The articulation of the Jew is peculiarly ridiculous. The "peoplesh" are
badly spoken of, and not well spoken.
Bawling, croaking, hissing, whistling, and grunting, are elegant vocal
accomplishments.
Lisping, as, thweet, Dthooliur, thawming, kweechau, is by some
considered interesting, by others absurd.
But of all the sounds which proceed from the human mouth, by far the
funniest are Ha! ha! ha!--Ho! ho! ho! and He! he! he!
[Illustration: 023]
CHAPTER II. OF SYLLABLES.
Syllable {015}is a nice word, it sounds so much like syllabub!
A syllable, whether it constitute a word or part of a word, is a sound,
either simple or compound, produced by one effort of the voice, as, "O!
what, a lark!--Here, we, are!"
Spelling is the art of putting together the letters which compose a
syllable, or the syllables which compose a word.
[Illustration: 024]
Comic spelling is usually the work of imagination.
The {016}chief rule to be observed in this kind of spelling, is, to
spell every word as it is pronounced; though the rule is not universally
observed by comic spellers. The following example, for the genuineness
of which we can vouch, is one so singularly apposite, that although we
have already submitted a similar specimen of orthography to the
reader, we are irresistibly tempted to make a second experiment on his
indulgence. The epistolary curiosity, then, which we shall now proceed
to transcribe, was addressed by a patient to his medical adviser.
"Sir,
"My Granmother wos very much trubeld With the Gout and dide
with it my father wos also and dide with it when i wos 14
years of age i wos in the habbet of Gettin whet feet Every
Night by pumping water out of a Celler Wich Cas me to have
the tipes fever wich Cas my Defness when i was 23 of age i
fell in the Water betwen the ice and i have Bin in the
habbet of Gettin wet when traviling i have Bin trubbeld with
Gout for seven years
"Your most humbel
"Servent
Among the various kinds of spelling may be enumerated spelling for a
favor; or giving what is called a broad hint.
Certain rules for the division of words into syllables are laid down
in some grammars, and we should be very glad to follow the established
usage, but limited as we are by considerations of comicality and space,
we {017}cannot afford to give more than two very general directions. If
you do not know how to spell a word, look it out in the dictionary, and
if you have no dictionary by you, write the word in such a way, that,
while it may be guessed at, it shall not be legible.
CHAPTER III. OF WORDS IN GENERAL.
There is no one question that we are aware of more puzzling than this,
"What is your opinion of _things_ in general?" _Words_ in general are,
fortunately for us, a subject on which the formation of an opinion is
somewhat more easy. Words stand for things: they are a sort of counters,
checks, bank-notes, and sometimes, indeed, they are _notes_ for which
people get a great deal of money. Such words, however, are, alas! not
generally English words, but Italian. Strange! that so much should be
given for a mere song. It is quite clear that the givers, whatever may
be their pretensions to a refined or literary taste, must be entirely
unacquainted with _Words_worth.
Fine words are oily enough, and he who uses them is vulgarly said to
"cut it fat;" but for all that it is well known that they will not
butter parsnips.
Some say that words are but wind: for this reason, when people are
having words, it is often said, that "the wind's up."
Different {018}words please different people. Philosophers are fond
of hard words; pedants of tough words, long words, and crackjaw words;
bullies, of rough words; boasters, of big words; the rising generation,
of slang words; fashionable people, of French words; wits, of sharp
words and smart words; and ladies, of nice words, sweet words, soft
words, and soothing words; and, indeed, of words in general.
Words (when spoken) are articulate sounds used by common consent as
signs of our ideas.
A word of one syllable is called a Monosyllable: as, you, are, a, great,
oaf.
A word of two syllables is named a Dissyllable; as, cat-gut, mu-sic.
A word of three syllables is termed a Trisyllable; as, Mag-net-ism,
Mum-mer-y.
A word of four or more syllables is entitled a Polysyllable; as,
in-ter-mi-na-ble cir-cum-lo-cu-ti-on, ex-as-pe-ra-ted, func-ti-o-na-ry,
met-ro-po-li-tan, ro-tun-di-ty.
Words of more syllables than one are sometimes comically contracted into
one syllable; as, in s'pose for suppose, b'lieve for believe, and 'scuse
for excuse: here, perhaps, 'buss, abbreviated from omnibus, deserves to
be mentioned.
In like manner, many long words are elegantly trimmed and shortened;
as, ornary for ordinary, 'strornary for extraordinary, and curosity for
curiosity; to which mysterus for mysterious may also be added.
Polysyllables are an essential element in the sublime, both in poetry
and in prose; but especially in that {019}species of the sublime which
borders very closely on the ridiculous; as,
"Aldiborontiphoscophormio,
Where left's thou Chrononhotonthologos?
[Illustration: 028]
All words are either primitive or derivative. A primitive word is that
which cannot be reduced to any simpler word in the language; as, brass,
York, knave. A derivative word, under the head of which compound words
are also included, is that which may be reduced to another and a more
simple word in the English language; as, brazen, Yorkshire, knavery,
mud-lark, lighterman. Broadbrim is a derivative word; but it is one
often applied to a very _primitive_ kind of person.
PART II. ETYMOLOGY.
CHAPTER I. A COMICAL VIEW OF THE PARTS OF SPEECH.
Etymology {020}teaches the varieties, modifications, and derivation of
words.
The derivation of words means that which they come from _as words_; for
what they come from _as sounds_, is another matter. Some words come from
the heart, and then they are pathetic; others from the nose, in which
case they are ludicrous. The funniest place, however, from which words
can come is the stomach. By the way, the Mayor would do well to keep a
ventriloquist, from whom, at a moment's notice, he might ascertain the
voice of the corporation.
Comic Etymology teaches us the varieties, modifications, and derivation,
of words invested with a comic character.
Grammatically speaking, we say that there are, in English, as many sorts
of words as a cat is said to have lives, nine; namely, the Article, the
Substantive or Noun, the Adjective, the Pronoun, the Verb, the Adverb,
the Preposition, the Conjunction, and the Interjection.
Comically speaking, there are a great many sorts of words which we have
not room enough to particularise j individually. We can therefore only
afford to classify them. For instance; there are words which are spoken
in {021}the _Low Countries_, and are _High Dutch_ to persons of quality.
Words in use amongst all those who have to do with horses.
Words that pass between rival cab-men.
Words spoken in a state of intoxication.
Words uttered under excitement.
Words of endearment, addressed by parents to children in arms.
Similar words, sometimes called burning, tender, soft, and broken words,
addressed to young ladies, and whispered, lisped, sighed, or drawled,
according to circumstances.
Words of honor; as, tailors' words and shoemakers' words; which, like
the above-mentioned, or lovers' words, are very often broken.
With many other sorts of words, which will be readily suggested by the
reader's fancy.
But now let us go on with the parts of speech.
1. An Article is a word prefixed to substantives to point them out,
and to show the extent of their meaning; as, _a_ dandy, _an_ ape, _the_
simpleton.
One kind of comic article is otherwise denominated an oddity, or queer
article.
Another kind of comic article is often to be met with in some of our
monthly magazines.
2. A Substantive or Noun is the name of anything that exists, or
of which we have any notion; as, _tinker, tailor, soldier, sailor,
apothecary, ploughboy, thief._
Now the above definition of a substantive is Lindley Murray's, not ours.
We mention this, because we have an objection, though, not, perhaps, a
serious one, to {022}urge against it; for, in the first place, we have
"no notion" of impudence, and yet impudence is a substantive; and, in
the second, we invite attention to the following piece of Logic,
A substantive is something,
But nothing is a substantive;
Therefore, nothing is something.
A substantive may generally be known by its taking an article before it,
and by its making sense of itself; as, a _treat_, the _mulligrubs_, an
_ache_.
3. An Adjective is a word joined to a substantive to denote its quality;
as a _ragged_ regiment, an _odd_ set.
You may distinguish an adjective by its making sense with the word
thing: as, a _poor_ thing, a _sweet_ thing, a _cool_ thing; or with any
particular substantive, as a _ticklish_ position, an _awkward_ mistake,
a _strange_ step.
4. A Pronoun is a word used in lieu of a noun, in order to avoid
tautology: as, "The man wants calves; _he_ is a lath; _he_ is a
walking-stick.''
5. A Verb is a word which signifies to be, to do, or to suffer: as, I
am; I calculate; I am fixed.
A verb may usually be distinguished by its making sense with a personal
pronoun, or with the word to before it: as I yell, he grins, they caper;
or to drink, to smoke, to chew.
Fashionable accomplishments!
Certain substantives are, with peculiar elegance, and by persons who
call themselves _genteel_, converted into verbs: as, "Do you _wine?_"
"Will you _liquor?_"
6. An Adverb is a part of speech which, joined to a verb, an adjective,
or another adverb, serves to express quality or circumstance concerning
it: as, "She swears {023}_dreadfully_; she is _incorrigibly_ lazy; and
she is _almost continually_ in liquor."
7. An Adverb is generally characterised by answering to the question,
How?'how much? when? or where? as in the verse, "_Merrily_ danced the
Quaker's wife," the answer to the question, How did she dance? is,
merrily.
8. Prepositions serve to connect words together, and to show the
relation between them: as, "Off _with_ his head, so much _for_
Buckingham!"
9. A Conjunction is used to connect not only words, but sentences also:
as, Smith _and_ Jones are happy _be~ cause_ they are single. A miss is
_as_ good _as_ a mile.
[Illustration: 032]
10. An {024}Interjection is a short word denoting passion or emotion:
as, '_Oh_, Sophonisba! Sophonisba, _oh!_" Pshaw! Pish! Pooh! Bah! Ah!
Au! Eughph! Yaw! Hum! Ha! Lauk! La! Lor! Heigho! Well! There! &c.
[Illustration: 033]
Among the foregoing interjections there may, perhaps, be some unhonored
by the adoption of genius, and unknown in the domains of literature. For
the present notice of them some apology may be required, but little will
be given; their insertion may excite astonishment, but their omission
would have provoked complaint: though unprovided with a Johnsonian title
to a place in the English vocabulary, they have long been recognised by
the popular voice; and let it be remembered, that as custom supplies the
defects of legislation, so that which is not sanctioned by magisterial
authority may nevertheless be justified by vernacular usage.
CHAPTER II. OF THE ARTICLES.
The {025}Articles in English are two, _a_ and _the_; _a_ becomes
_an_ before a vowel, and before an _h_ which is not sounded: as, _an_
exquisite, _an_ hour-glass. But if the _h_ be pronounced, the _a_ only
is used: as, _a_ homicide, _a_ homoepathist, _a_ hum.
_A_ or _an_ is called the indefinite article, because it is used, in a
vague sense, to point out some one thing belonging to a certain kind,
but in other respects indeterminate; as,
"A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse!"
So say grammarians. Eating-house keepers tell a different story. A
cheese, in common discourse, means an object of a certain shape, size,
weight, and so on, entire and perfect; so that to call half a cheese a
cheese, would constitute a flaw in an indictment against a thief who had
stolen one. But a waiter will term a fraction, or a modicum of cheese,
a cheese; a plate-full of pudding, a pudding; and a stick of celery, _a
salary_. Here we are reminded of the famous exclamation of one of these
gentry:--"Sir! there's two teas and a brandy-and-water just sloped
without paying!" _The_ is termed the definite article, inasmuch as it
denotes what particular thing or things are meant as,
"_The_ miller he stole corn,
_The_ weaver he stole yarn,
And the little tailor he stole broad-cloth
To keep the three rogues warm."
A substantive to which no article is prefixed is taken in {026}a general
sense; as, "Applesauce is proper for goose that is, for all geese.
[Illustration: 035]
A few additional remarks may advantageously be made with respect to
the articles. The mere substitution of the definite for the indefinite
article is capable of changing entirely the meaning of a sentence. "That
is _a_ ticket" is the assertion of a certain fact; but "That is _the_
ticket!" means something which is quite different.
The article is not prefixed to a proper name; as, Stubbs, Wiggins, Brown
or Hobson, except for the sake of distinguishing a particular family, or
description of persons; as, He is _a_ Burke; that is, one of the Burkes,
or _a_ person resembling Burke.
The {027}definite article is frequently used with adverbs in the
comparative and superlative degree: as, "_The_ longer I live, _the_
taller, I grow or, as we have all heard the showman say, "This here,
gentlemen and ladies, {028}is the vonderful heagle of the sun; the
'otterer it grows, the higherer he flies!"
[Illustration: 037]
CHAPTER III.
SECTION I. OF SUBSTANTIVES IN GENERAL.
Substantives are either proper or common.
Proper names, or substantives, are the names belonging to individuals:
as William, Birmingham.
These are sometimes converted into nicknames, of improper names: as
Bill, Brummagem.
Common names, or substantives, denote kinds containing many sorts, or
sorts containing many individual» under them: as brute, beast, bumpkin,
cherub, infant, goblin, &c.
Proper names, when an article is prefixed to them, are employed as
common names: as, "They thought him a perfect _Chesterfield_; he quite
astonished the _Browns_."
Common names, on the other hand, are made to denote individuals, by the
addition of articles or pronouns: as,
"There was _a_ little man, and he had little gun."
"_That_ boy will be the death of me!"
Substantives are considered according to gender, number, and case; they
are all of the third person when spoken _of_, and of the second when
spoken _to_; {029}as,
Matilda, fairest maid, who art
In countless bumpers toasted,
O let thy pity baste the heart
Thy fatal charms have roasted!
[Illustration: 038]
SECTION II. OF GENDER.
The distinction between nouns with regard to sex is called Gender. There
are three genders: the Masculine, the Feminine, and the Neuter.
The masculine gender belongs to animals of the male kind: as, a fop, a
jackass, a boar, a poet, a lion.
The feminine gender is peculiar to animals of the female kind: as, a
poetess, a lioness, a goose.
The {030}neuter gender is that of objects which are neither males nor
females: as, a toast, a tankard, a pot, a pipe, a pudding, a pie, a
sausage, &c. &c. &c.
We might go on to enumerate an infinity of objects of the neuter gender,
of all sorts and kinds; but in the selection of the foregoing examples
we have been guided by two considerations:--
1. The desire of exciting agreeable emotions in the mind of the reader.
2. The wish to illustrate the following proposition, "That almost
everything nice is also neuter."
Except, however, a nice young lady, a nice duck, and one or two other
nice things, which we do not at present remember.
Some neuter substantives are by a figure of speech converted into the
masculine or feminine gender: thus we say of the sun, that when he
shines upon a Socialist, t he shines upon a thief; and of the moon, that
she affects the minds of lovers.
[Illustration: 039]
There {031}are certain nouns with which notions of strength, vigor, and
the like qualities, are more particularly connected; and these are the
neuter substantives which are figuratively rendered masculine. On the
other hand, beauty, amiability, and so forth, are held to invest words
with a feminine character. Thus the sun is said to be masculine, and the
moon feminine. But for our own part, and our view is confirmed by the
discoveries of astronomy, we believe that the sun is called masculine
from his supporting and sustaining the moon, {032}and finding her the
wherewithal to shine away as she does of a night, when all quiet people
are in bed; and from his being obliged to keep such a family of stars
besides.
[Illustration: 040]
The moon, we think, is accounted feminine, because she is thus
maintained and kept up in her splendor, like a fine lady, by her husband
the sun. Furthermore, the moon is continually changing; on which
account alone she might be referred to the feminine gender. The earth
is feminine, tricked out, as she is, with gems and flowers. Cities
and towns are likewise feminine, because there are as many windings,
turnings, and little odd corners in them as there are in the female
mind. A ship is feminine, inasmuch as she is blown about by every wind.
Virtue is feminine by courtesy. Fortune and misfortune, like mother
and daughter, are both feminine. The Church is feminine, because she
is married to the state; or married to the state because she is
feminine--we do not know which. Time is masculine, because he is so
trifled with by the ladies.
The English language distinguishes the sex in three manners; namely,
1. By different words; as,
MALE. FEMALE.
Bachelor Maid.
Brother Sister.
Wizard Father And several other
Witch Mother, &c.
Words we don't mention,
(Pray pardon the crime,)
Worth your attention,
But wanting in rhyme.
2. By {033}a difference of termination; as,
MALE. FEMALÉ.
Poet Poetess.
Lion Lioness, &c.
3. By a noun, pronoun, or adjective being prefixed to the substantive;
as,
male. female.
A cock-lobster A hen-lobster.
A jack-ass A jenny-ass (vernacular.)
A man-servant, A maid-servant, or flunkey. or Abigail.
A male flirt (A common animal) A female flirt (A rare animal.)
We have heard it said, that every Jack has his Jill. That may be; but it
is by no means true that every cock has his hen; for there is a
Cock-swain, but no Hen-swain.
Cock-eye, but no Hen-eye.
Cock-ade, but no Hen-ade.
Cock-atrice, but no Hen-atrice.
Cock-horse, but no Hen-horse.
Cock-ney, but no Hen-ney.
Then we have a weather-cock, but no weather-hen; a tum-cock, but no
turn-hen; and many a jolly cock, but not one jolly hen; unless we except
some of those by whom their mates are pecked.
Some words; as, parent, child, cousin, friend, neighbour, servant and
several others, are either male or female, according to circumstances.
It is a great pity that our language is so poor in the terminations that
denote gender. Were we to say of a woman {034}that she is a rogue, a
knave, a scamp, or a vagabond, we feel that we should use, not only
strong but improper expressions. Yet we have no corresponding terms
to apply, in case of necessity, to the female. Why is this? Doubtless
because we never want them. For the same reason, our forefathers
transmitted to us the words, philosopher, astronomer, philologer, and
so forth, without any feminine equivalent. Alas! for the wisdom of our
ancestors! They never calculated on the March of Intellect.
SECTION III. OF NUMBER.
Number is the consideration of an object as one or more; as, one poet,
two, three, four, five poets; and so on, ad infinitum.
The singular number expresses one object only; as a towel, a viper.
The plural signifies more objects than one; as, towels, vipers.
Some nouns are used only in the singular number; dirt, pitch, tallow,
grease, filth, butter, asparagus, &c.; others only in the plural; as,
galligaskins, breeches, &c.
Some words are the same in both numbers; as, sheep, swine, and some
others.
The plural number of nouns is usually formed by adding _s_ to the
singular; as, dove, doves, love, loves, &c.
Julia, dove returns to dove,
Quid pro quo, and love for love;
Happy in our mutual loves,
Let us live like turtle doves!
[Illustration: 044]
When, {035}however, the substantive singular ends in _x, ch softy sh,
ss, or s_, we add es in the plural.
But remember, though box
In the plural makes boxes,
That the plural of ox
Should be _oxen_, not oxes.
SECTION IV. OF CASE.
There is nearly as much difference between Latin and English
substantives, with respect to the number of cases pertaining to each, as
there is between a quack-doctor {036}and a physician; for while in Latin
sub-stantives have six cases, in English they have but three. But the
analogy should not be strained too far; for the fools in the world (who
furnish the quack with his cases) more than double the number of the
wise.
[Illustration: 045]
The cases of substantives are these: the Nominative, the Possessive or
Genitive, and the Objective or Accusative.
The Nominative Case merely expresses the name of a thing, or the subject
of the verb: as, "The doctors differ;"--"The patient dies!"
Possession, which is nine points of the law, is what is signified by the
Possessive Case. This case is distinguished by an apostrophe, with the
letter _s_ subjoined to it: as, My soul's idol!"--"A pudding's end."
But {037}when the plural ends in _s_, the apostrophe only is retained,
and the other _s_ is omitted: as, "The Ministers' Step;"--"The Rogues'
March;"--"Crocodiles' tears--"Butchers' mourning."
When the singular terminates in _ss_, the letter _s_ is sometimes,
in like manner, dispensed with: as, "For goodness' sake!"--"For
righteousness' sake!" Nevertheless, we have no objection to "Burgess's"
Stout.
The Objective Case follows a verb active, and expresses the object of
an action, or of a relation: as "Spring beat Bill;" that is, Bill or
"William Neate." Hence, perhaps, the phrase, "I'll lick you _elegant_."
The Objective Case is also used with a preposition: as, "You are in a
mess."
English substantives may be declined in the following manner:
SINGULAR.
What is the nominative case
Of her who used to wash your face,
Your hair to comb, your boots to lace?
_A mother!_
What the possessive?
Whose the slap
That taught you not to spill your pap,
Or to avoid a like mishap!
_A mother's!_
And shall I the objective show?
What do I hear where'er I go?
How is your?--whom they mean I know,
_My mother!_
PLURAL.{038}
Who are the anxious watchers o'er
The slumbers of a little bore,
That screams whene'er it doesn't snore?
_Why, mothers!_ Whose pity wipes its piping eyes,
And stills maturer childhood's cries,
Stopping its mouth with cakes and pies?
_Oh! mother's!_
And whom, when master, fierce and fell,
Dusts truant varlets' jackets well,
Whom do they, roaring, run and tell?
_Their mothers!_
CHAPTER IV. OF ADJECTIVES.
SECTION I. OF THE NATURE OF ADJECTIVES AND THE DEGREES OF COMPARISON.
An English Adjective, whatever may be its gender, number, or case, like
a rusty weathercock, never varies. Thus we say, "A certain cabinet;
certain rogues." But as a rusty weathercock may vary in being more or
less rusty, so an adjective varies in the degrees of comparison.
The degrees of comparison, like the Genders, the Graces, the Fates, the
Kings of Cologne, the Weird Sisters, and many other things, are three;
the Positive, the Comparative, and the Superlative.
The Positive state simply expresses the quality of an object; as, fat,
ugly, foolish.
The Comparative degree increases or lessens the signification {039}of
the positive; as fatter, uglier, more foolish, less foolish.
The Superlative decree increases or lessens the positive to the highest
or lowest degree; as fattest, ugliest, most foolish, least foolish.
Amongst the ancients, Ulysses must have been the _fattest_, because
nobody could _compass_ him.
Aristides the Just was the ugliest, because he was so very _plain_.
The most _foolish_, undoubtedly, was Homer; for who was more _natural_
than he?
The positive becomes the comparative by the addition of _r_ or _er_; and
the superlative by the addition of _st_ or _est_ to the end of it; as,
brown, browner, brownest; stout, stouter, stoutest; heavy, heavier,
heaviest; wet, wetter, wettest. The adverbs more and most, prefixed to
the adjective, also form the superlative degree; as, heavy, more heavy,
most heavy.
Monosyllables are usually compared by er and est, and dissyllables by
more and most; except dissyllables ending in y or in le before a mute,
or those which are accented on the last syllable; for these, like
monosyllables, easily admit of er and est. But these terminations are
scarcely ever used in comparing words of more than two syllables.
We have some words, which, from custom, are irregular in respect of
comparison; as, good, better, best; bad, worse, worst, &c.; but the
Yankee's "notion" of comparison was decidedly funny; "My uncle's a
tarnation rogue; but I'm a tarnationer."
SECTION II. A FEW REMARKS ON THE SUBJECT OF COMPARISON.
Lindley {040}Murray judiciously observes, that "if we consider the
subject of comparison attentively, we shall perceive that the degrees of
it are infinite in number, or at least indefinite:" and he proceeds to
say, "A mountain is larger than a mite; by how many degrees? How much
bigger is the earth than a grain of sand? By how many degrees was
Socrates wiser than Alci-biades? or by how many is snow whiter than
this paper? It is plain," quoth Lindley, "that to these and the like
questions no definite answers can be returned."
No; but an impertinent one may. Ask the first news-boy you meet, any one
of these questions, and see if he does not immediately respond, 'Ax my
eye or, "As much again as half."
But when quantity can be exactly measured, the degrees of excess may be
exactly ascertained. A foot is just twelve times as long as an inch; a
tailor is nine times less than a man.
Moreover, to compensate for the indefiniteness of the degrees of
comparison, we use certain adverbs and words of like import, whereby
we render our meaning tolerably intelligible; as, "Byron was a _much
greater_ poet than Muggins."
"Honey is _a great deal_ sweeter than wax."
"Sugar is _considerably_ more pleasant than the cane."
"Maria says, that Dick the butcher is _by far_ the most killing young
man she knows."
The words very, exceedingly, and the like, placed before the positive,
give it the force of the superlative; and {041}this is called by some
the superlative of eminence, as distinguished from the superlative of
comparison. Thus, Very Reverend is termed the superlative of eminence,
although it is the title of a dean, not of a cardinal; and Most
Reverend, the appellation of an Archbishop, is called the superlative of
comparison.
A _Bishop_, in our opinion, is _Most Excellent_.
The comparative is sometimes so employed as to express the same
pre-eminence or inferiority as the superlative. For instance; the
sentence, "Of all the cultivators of science, the botanist is the most
crafty," has the same meaning as the following: "The botanist is more
crafty than any other cultivator of science." Why? some of our readers
will ask--
Because he is acquainted with all sorts of _plants._
CHAPTER V. OF PRONOUNS.
Pronouns or proxy-nouns are of three kinds; namely, the Personal, the
Relative, and the Adjective Pronouns.
_Note_.--That when we said, some few pages back, that a pronoun was
a word used instead of a noun, we did not mean to call such words as
thingumibob, what-siname, what-d'ye-call-it, and the like, pronouns.
And that, although we shall proceed to treat of the pronouns in the
English language, we shall have nothing to do, at present, with what
some people please to call pronoun-_ciation_.
SECTION I. OF THE PERSONAL PRONOUNS.
"Mr. {042}Addams, don't be personal, Sir!"
"I'm not, Sir."
"You am, Sir!"
"What did I say, Sir?--tell me that."
"You reflected on my perfession, Sir; you said, as there was some people
as always stuck up for the cloth; and you insinnivated that certain
parties dined off goose by means of cabbaging fiom their customers. I
ask any gentleman in the room, if that an't personal.
[Illustration: 051] {043}
"Veil, Sir, vot I says I'll stick to."
"Yes, Sir, like vax, as the saying is."
"Wot d'ye mean by that, Sir?"
"Wot I say, Sir!"
"You 're a individual, Sir!"
"You 're another, Sir!"
"You 're no gentleman, Sir!"
"You 're a humbug, Sir!"
"You 're a knave, Sir!"
"You 're a rogue, Sir!"
"You 're a wagabond, Sir!"
"You 're a willain, Sir!"
"You 're a tailor, Sir!"
"You 're a cobler, Sir!" (Order! order! chair! chair! &c.
The above is what is called personal language. How many different things
one word serves to express in English! A pronoun may be as personal as
possible, and yet nobody will take offence at it.
There are five Personal Pronouns; namely, I, thou, he, she, it; with
their plurals, we, ye or you, they.
Personal Pronouns admit of person, number, gender, and case.
Pronouns have three persons in each number.
In the Singular;
I, is the first person.
Thou, is the second person.
He, she, or it, is the third person.
In the plural;
We, is the first person.
Ye or you, is the second person.
They, is the third person.
This {044}account of persons will be very intelligible when the
following Pastoral Fragment is reflected on:
HE.
I love thee, Susan, on my life:
Thou art the maiden for a wife.
He who lives single is an ass;
She who ne'èr weds a luckless lass.
It's tiresome work to live alone;
So come with me, and be my own.
SHE.
We maids are oft by men deceived;
Ye don't deserve to be believed;
You don't--but there's my hand--heigho!
They tell us, women can't say no!
The speaker or speakers are of the first person; those spoken to, of the
second; and those spoken of, of the third.
Of the three persons, the first is the most universally admired.
The second is the object of much adulation and flattery, and now and
then of a little abuse.
The third person is generally made small account of; and, amongst other
grievances, suffers a great deal from being frequently bitten about the
back.
The Numbers of pronouns, like those of substantives, are, as we have
already seen, two; the singular and the plural.
In addressing yourself to anybody, it is customary to use the second
person plural instead of the singular. This practice most probably arose
from a notion, that to be thought twice the man that the speaker was,
gratified the vanity of the person addressed. Thus, the {045}French put
a double Monsieur on the backs of their letters.
Editors say "We," instead of "I," out of modesty.
The Quakers continue to say "thee" and "thou," in the use of which
pronouns, as well as in the wearing of broad-brimmed hats and of
stand-up collars, they perceive a peculiar sanctity.
Gender has to do only with the third person singular of the pronouns,
he, she, it. He is masculine; she is feminine; it is neuter.
Pronouns have the like cases with substantives; the nominative, the
possessive, and the objective.
Would that they were the hardest cases to be met with in this country!
The personal pronouns are thus declined:--
===> See page image.
CASE. FIRST PERSON SINGULAR. FIRST PERSON PLURAL.
Nom. I We.
Poss. Mine Ours.
Obj. Me Us.
CASE. SECOND PERSON. SECOND PERSON.
Nom. Thou Ye or you.
Poss. Thine Yours.
Obj. Thee You.
Now the third person singular, as we before observed, has genders; and we
shall therefore decline it in a different way. Variety is charming.
THIRD PERSON SINGULAR.
CASE. MASC. FEM. NEUT.
Nom. He She It.
Poss. His Hers Its.
Obj. Him Her It.
CASE. PLURAL.
Nom. They.
Poss. Theirs.
Obj. Them.
We {046}beg to inform thee, that the third person plural has no
distinction of gender.
SECTION II. OF THE RELATIVE PRONOUNS.
The Pronouns called Relative are such as relate, for the most part,
to some word or phrase, called the antecedent, on account of its going
before: they are, _who_, _which_, and _that_: as, "The man who does not
drink enough when he can get it, is a fool: but he that drinks too much
is a beast."
_What_ is usually equivalent to _that which_, and is, therefore, a kind
of compound relative, containing both the antecedent and the relative;
as, "You want what you'll very soon have!" that is to say, the thing
which you will very soon have.
_Who_ is applied to persons, _which_ to animals and things without life;
as, "He is a gentleman who keeps a horse and lives respectably." To the
dog which pinned the old woman, they cried, '_Cosar!_'"
That, as a relative, is used to prevent the too frequent repetition of
_who and which_, and is applied both to persons and things; as, He that
stops the bottle is a Cork man."
"This is the _house that_ Jack built."
Who is of both numbers; and so is an Editor; for, according to what we
observed just now, he is both singular and plural. Who, we repeat, is of
both numbers, and is thus declined:--
====> See Page Image
SINGULAR AND PLURAL.
To despair shall I doom? Which, {047}that and what are indeclinable;
except that whose is sometimes used as the possessive case of which;
"The roe, poor dear, laments amain,
Whose sweet hart was by hunter slain."
Who, which, and what, when they are used in asking questions, are called
Interrogatives; as, "Who is Mr. Walker?". "Which is the left side of a
round plum-pudding?"
"What is the damage?"
Those who, have made popular phraseology their study, will have
found that which is sometimes used for whereas, and words of like
signification; as in Dean Swift's "Mary the Cookmaid's Letter to Dr.
Sheridan:"
"And now I know whereby you would fain make an excuse,
Because my master one day in anger call'd you a goose;
_Which_, and I am sure I have been his servant since October,
And he never called me worse than sweetheart, drunk or sober."
What, or, to speak more improperly, wot, is generally substituted by
cabmen and hack-drivers for who; as, "The donkey wot wouldn't go."
"The girl wot sweeps the crossing."
That, likewise, is very frequently rejected by the vulgar, {048}who use
as in its place; as, "Them as asks shan't have any; and them as don't
ask don't want any."
SECTION III. OF THE ADJECTIVE PRONOUNS.
Adjective pronouns partake of the nature of both pronouns and
adjectives. They may be subdivided into four sorts: the possessive, the
distributive, the demonstrative, and the indefinite.
The possessive pronouns are those which imply possession or property. Of
these there are seven; namely, my, thy, his, her, our, your, their.
The word self is added to possessives; as, myself, yourself, "Says I
to myself, says I." Self is also sometimes {049}used with personal
pronouns; as, himself, itself, themselves. His self is a common, but not
a proper expression.
[Illustration: 057]
The distributive are three; each, every, either; they denote the
individual persons or things' separately, which, when taken together,
make up a number. Each is used when two or more persons or things are
mentioned singly; as, "each of the Catos;" "each or the Browns."
Every relates to one out of several; as,
"Every mare is a horse, but every horse is not a mare."
Either refers to one out of two; as,
"When I between two jockeys ride,
I have a knave on either side."
Neither signifies "not either;" as, "Neither of the Bacons was related
to Hogg."
The demonstrative pronouns precisely point out the subjects to which
they relate; such are this and that, with their plurals these and those;
as, "This is a Hoosier lad; that is a Yankee school-master."
This refers to the nearest person or thing, and to the latter or
last mentioned; that to the most distant, and to the former or first
mentioned; as, "This is a man; that is a nondescript."
"At the period of the Reformation in Scotland, a curious contrast
between the ancient and modern ecclesiastical systems was observed; for
while that had been always maintained by a Bull, this was now supported
by a Knox"
The indefinite are those which express their subjects in an indefinite
or general manner; as, some, other, any, one, all, such, &c.
When the definite article the comes before the word other, {050}those
who do not know better, are accustomed to strike out the he in the, and
to say, t'other.
The same persons also use other in the comparative degree; for
sometimes, instead of saying quite the reverse, or perhaps reverse, they
avail themselves of the expression more t'other.
So much for the pronouns.
CHAPTER VI. OF VERBS.
SECTION I. OF THE NATURE OF VERBS IN GENERAL.
The nature of Verbs in general, and that in all languages, is, that they
are the most difficult things in the Grammar.
Verbs are divided into Active, Passive, and Neuter; and also into
Regular, Irregular, and Defective. To these divisions we beg to add
another; Verbs Comic.
A Verb Active implies an agent, and an object acted upon; as, to love;
"I love Wilhelmina Stubbs." Here, I am the agent; that is, the lover;
and Wilhelmina Stubbs is the object acted upon, or the beloved object.
A Verb Passive expresses the suffering, feeling, or undergoing of
something; and therefore implies an object acted upon, and an agent by
which it is acted upon; as, to be loved; "Wilhelmina Stubbs is loved by
me."
A {051}Verb Neuter expresses neither action nor passion, but a state of
being; as, I bounce, I lie.
"Gracious, Major!"
[Illustration: 060]
Of Verbs Regular, Irregular, and Defective, we shall have somewhat to
say hereafter.
Verbs Comic are, for the most part, verbs which cannot be found in
the dictionary, and are used to express ordinary actions in a jocular
manner; as, to "bolt," to "mizzle," which signify to go or to depart; to
"bone," to "prig," that is to say, to steal; to "collar," which means to
seize, an expression probably derived {052}from the mode of prehension,
or rather apprehension characteristic of the New Police, as it is one
very much in the mouths of those who most frequently come in contact
with that body: to "liquor,"'or drink; to "grub," or eat; to "sell," or
deceive, &c.
Under the head of Verbs Comic, the Yankeeisms, I "calculate," I
"reckon," I "realise," I "guess," and the like, may also be properly
enumerated.
Auxiliary, or helping Verbs (by the way we marvel that the New
Englanders do not call their servants auxiliaries instead of helps)
are those, by the help of which we are chiefly enabled to conjugate our
verbs in English. They are, do, be, have, shall, will, may, can, with
their variations; and let and must, which have no variation.
Let, however, when it is _anything but a helping_ verb, as, for
instance, when it signifies to _hinder_, makes let-test and letteth.
The phrase, "This House to Let," generally used instead of "to be let,"
meaning in fact, the reverse of what is intended to convey, is really a
piece of comic English.
To verbs belong Number, Person, Mood, and Tense. These may be called
the properties of a verb; and like those of opium, they are soporiferous
properties. There are two very important objects which the writer of
every book has, or ought to have in view, to get a reader who is wide
awake, and to keep him so:--the latter of which, when Number, Person,
Mood, and Tense are to be treated of, is no such easy matter; seeing
that the said writer is then in some danger of going to sleep himself.
Never mind. If we nod, let the reader wink. What can't be cured must be
endured.