(_From Crowded-out Correspondents._)
SIR,--The plan of your Correspondent, "A DOUBTFUL SAILOR," who alleges
that he avoids sea-sickness by drinking two bottles of Champagne
before starting, and then goes on board accompanied by his Family
Doctor, who administers alternately nitrous oxide gas and ginger beer
to him every ten minutes till the passage is over, though no doubt
an efficacious preventive, strikes me as less simple than the means
I invariably employ to secure a comfortable crossing. They are easily
available, and are as follows. Before I start I provide myself with a
six-foot mattrass, several yards of rope, and four screw-hooks, which,
the moment I enter the cabin, I proceed with a large gimlet to fasten
to the ceiling, and, before the Steward or passengers have had time
to protest, I have rigged myself up a capital swinging bed in the very
centre of the vessel. To jump in, occupy it, and keep officials at
bay with an umbrella, only needs a little nerve and practice, and when
once fairly out of port, specially if it be rough, one is not very
easily dislodged. In the course of thirteen passages, I have only been
overturned eleven times, in nine of which I was cut down by order of
the Captain; and though on several occasions, through clinging to the
swinging-lamp, I brought it down in the struggle, and had to pay for
the damage, I can confidently recommend any one who has a horror of
the Channel crossing, and does not mind a brisk physical encounter
with three Stewards, the First Mate, and half the crew of one of the
Folkestone and Boulogne boats, to follow my example.
I am, Sir, your obedient servant,
ABAFT THE FUNNEL.
SIR,--"ONE WHO HASN'T YET DONE IT," wants to know how, travelling with
only one ticket, he can secure an entire third-class compartment for
the whole journey to himself. I will tell him. Let him install himself
in his quarters taking with him five full life-sized lay-figures
dressed in old great-coats with hats pulled down over their ears and
eyes, and let him arrange these picturesquely about the carriage in
attitudes indicative of the suffering of much internal torture. Then
let him stand at the window with a genial and good-humoured expression
on his face, and pointing over his shoulder to the scene behind him,
explain briefly to any passengers who are thinking of entering, that
he is travelling with "five aged uncles in the last stage of delirium
from a contagious and infectious fever," and he will find they will
instantly desist from their efforts and hurry to another portion of
the train. To carry out this little _ruse_ successfully it may be
sometimes necessary to wink at the ticket-collector and give him
threepence, but this does not follow as a matter of course. The plan
will be found to work excellently on comparatively short excursions
to the sea-side, during which people sent in search of health are
necessarily anxious to avoid anything approaching to the risk of
contagion. For longer distances, such as a journey to the North for
instance, there is nothing like travelling with an Indian Chief, and
if possible, with a hyaena. The appearance of the former in gleaming
paint and feathers brandishing a tomahawk and uttering wild war-whoops
at every station, will be sure to prevent the intrusion of women with
babies, while even a country farmer, on seeing the hyaena emerge from
under the seat, and on your remarking smilingly, "He isn't muzzled,
but I don't think he'll bite," will be likely to select some other
compartment. I have travelled from King's Cross to Inverness several
times under the above conditions, and except on one occasion at Perth,
where the hyaena got loose and eat thirteen half-crown
breakfasts, for which I had to pay, and on one other at Edinburgh,
when the Indian Chief scalped a ticket-collector by mistake, I have
never met with any sort of _contretemps_, but enjoyed the journey in
comfort, and kept the carriage the whole way entirely to myself. At
this season of the year when so many who are off "for the grouse,"
think twice before putting their hands into their pockets for the
exorbitant fare of a journey first-class, my method of securing all
its comfort at half the cost, may possibly find some votaries willing
to profit by my experience. Such as it is, it is thus freely placed at
their disposal.
By yours inventively,
THERE AND BACK.
SIR,--Your Correspondent, a "STIFLED INVALID," wants to know how, in
these days of ill-drained and ill-ventilated lodgings, he can secure
a breath of fresh sea-air without the risk of being prostrated by a
local fever, or poisoned by sewer gas. His course is simple enough. He
has only to do as I have done. Let him get a furniture-van (if he is a
married man with a family, he will want more--I have five), and hire
a traction-engine to drag him to some well-known watering-place, and
deposit him on the Pier. I have tried the experiment, as yet,
with every prospect of success. Here am I, with my five vans, well
installed at the end of the Pier of a well-known fashionable health
resort, the band playing twice a day, with the fresh air blowing all
about me, and the sea surrounding me on every side. We managed to get
on when the man who takes the tickets was away having his dinner. The
situation is quite delightful, and but for the fact that all the local
Authorities have commenced proceedings against me, and that there
was a slight riot last night during an ineffectual attempt made by
six-and-thirty cart-horses to move me on to the Marine Parade, I have
every reason to be satisfied with the result of my experiment. I am
living rent free, and, beyond the cost of a family ticket for the
Pier, which, though it is disputed by the Committee, I insist gives
me a right to have my vans on as well, have, as yet, been put to no
expense whatever. There was a report that the Local Fire Brigade had
resolved, in the event of my not moving off, to force me to do so
by "pumping" me out, but I am loth to believe this. Meantime we
are having some excellent fishing with a lawn-tennis net. The
traction-engine is to call for me in a month. Strongly recommending my
"Plan of Campaign" to a "STIFLED INVALID," I beg to subscribe myself,
your obedient servant,