doctor."
Next morning he received the following:
"Here lies, interred beneath this sod,
That sycophantish man of God,
Who taught an easy way to heaven,
Which to the rich was always given;
If he get in, he'll look and stare
To find some out that he put there."
=A Variety Entertainment=
There used to be a waggish ostler at one of the chief inns at Hertford,
who delighted to make merry at the expense of any guests who gave
themselves airs. The manner of the ostler was extremely deferential, and
only those who knew him well were aware of the humor which almost always
lurked beneath his civil replies to the questions put to him. One day a
commercial traveler, a complete prig, who wanted to play the fine
gentleman, entered the inn, and having despatched his dinner, rang the
bell of the commercial room for "boots," who presently made his
appearance, when the following colloquy took place:
_Commercial_: "Dull town, this. Any amusements, Boots?"
_Boots_: "Yes, sir, please, sir; Musical Conversazione over the way at
the Shire Hall, sir. Half-a-crown admission, sir. Very nice, sir."
_Commercial_: "Ah, nice music, I dare say; I don't care for such things.
Is there nothing else, Boots?"
_Boots_: "Yes, sir, please, sir; Popular Entertainment at Corn Exchange,
admission one penny; gentlemen pay sixpence to front seats, sir, if they
please, sir."
_Commercial_: "Intensely vulgar! Are there no other amusements in this
confoundedly dull town?"
_Boots_: "Yes, sir, please sir; railway station at each end of the
town--walk down and see the trains come in."
=A Descriptive Hymn=
A minister in Orkney having been asked by the Rev. Mr. Spark, minister
of St. Magnus, to conduct service in his church, and also to baptize his
infant daughter, gave out for singing, before the baptismal service, a
portion of the fifth paraphrase, beginning:
"As _sparks_ in quick succession rise."
As Mr. Spark's help-mate was a fruitful vine, and presented him with a
pledge of her affection every year, the titter among the congregation
was unmistakable and irresistible.
=A Vigorous Translation=
"What is the meaning of _ex nihilo nihil fit_?" asked a Highlander of a
village schoolmaster.
"Weel, Donald," answered the dominie, "I dinna mind the literal
translation; but it just means that ye canna tak' the breeks aff a
Highland-man."
="Before the Provost!"=
The magistrates of the Scottish burghs, though respectable men, are
generally not the wealthiest in their respective communities. And it
sometimes happens, in the case of very poor and remote burghs, that
persons of a very inferior station alone can be induced to accept the
uneasy dignity of the municipal chair.
An amusing story is told regarding the town of L----, in B----shire,
which is generally considered as a peculiarly miserable specimen of
these privileged townships. An English gentleman approaching L---- one
day in a gig, his horse started at a heap of dry wood and decayed
branches of trees, which a very poor-looking old man was accumulating
upon the road, apparently with the intention of conveying them to town
for sale as firewood. The stranger immediately cried to the old man,
desiring him in no very civil terms, to clear the road that his horse
might pass. The old man, offended at the disrespectful language of the
complainant, took no notice of him, but continued to hew away at the
trees.
"You old dog," the gentleman then exclaimed, "I'll have you brought
before the provost, and put into prison for your disregard of the laws
of the road."
"Gang to the de'il, man, wi' your provost!" the woodcutter
contemptuously replied; "I'm provost mysel'."
=Denominational Graves=
For a short time after the disruption, an unkindly feeling existed
between the ministers of the Established Church and their protesting
brethren. Several "free" parishioners of Blackford, Perthshire, waited
on Mr. Clark, the established minister, and requested that they might
have the services of a non-Erastian sexton.
"Will you allow us, sir," said one of the deputation, "to dig our own
graves?"
"Certainly, gentlemen," said Mr. Clark, "you are most welcome; and the
sooner the better!"
=Escaping Punishment=
An active-looking boy, aged about twelve years, was brought up before
Provost Baker, at the Rutherglen Burgh Court, charged with breaking into
gardens and stealing fruit therefrom. The charge having been
substantiated, the magistrate, addressing the juvenile offender, said in
his gravest manner: "If you had a garden, and pilfering boys were to
break into and steal your property, in what way would you like to have
them punished?"
"Aweel, sir," replied the prisoner, "I think I would let them awa' for
first time."
It is needless to add that the worthy provost was mollified, and that
the little fellow was dismissed with an admonition.
=Passing Remarks=
"There she goes," sneered an Englishman, as a Highlander marched past in
his tartans at a fair.
"There she lies," retorted Duncan, as he knocked the scorner down at a
blow.
=Scottish Vision and Cockney Chaff=
Two sharp youths from London, while enjoying themselves among the
heather in Argylshire, met with a decent-looking shepherd upon the top
of a hill. They accosted him by remarking: "You have a fine view here,
friend; you will be able to see a great way."
"Ou, ay, ou, ay, a ferry great way."
"Ah! you will see America from here?"
"Farther than that," said Donald.
"Ah! how's that?"
"Ou, juist wait till the mists gang awa', an' you'll see the mune!"
="The," and "The Other"=
When the chief of the Scottish clan, Macnab, emigrated to Canada with a
hundred clansmen, he, on arriving at Toronto, called on his namesake,
the late Sir Allen, and left his card as "_The_ Macnab." Sir Allen
returned his visit, leaving as his card, "The _other_ Macnab."
="Old Clo'"=
Christopher North had a great hatred of the "old clo'" men who infest
the streets. Coming from his class one day, a shabby Irishman asked him
in the usual confidential manner, "Any old clo', sir?"
"No;" replied the professor, imitating the whisper; "no, my dear
fellow,--have you?"
=Church Popularity=
"How is it, John," said a minister to his man, "that you never go a
message for me anywhere in the parish but you contrive to take too much
spirits? People don't offer _me_ spirits when I'm making visits in the
parish."
"Weel, sir," said John, "I canna precisely explain it, unless on the
supposition that I'm a wee bit mair popular wi' some o' the folks maybe
than you are."
=Wersh Parritch and Wersh Kisses=
Kirsty and Jenny, two country lassies, were supping their "parritch"
from the same bicker in the harvest-field one morning.
"Hech," said Kirsty to her neighbor, "Jenny, but thae's awfu' wersh
parritch!"
"'Deed are they," said Jenny, "they are that. D'ye ken what they put me
in mind o'? Just o' a kiss frae a body that ye dinna like."
=A Stranger in the Court of Session=
The "Daft Highland Laird," a noted character in Edinburgh at the latter
end of last century, one day accosted the Hon. Henry Erskine, as he was
entering the Parliament House. Erskine inquired of the "laird" how he
did.
"Oh, very well!" answered the laird; "but I'll tell ye what, Harry, tak'
in _Justice_ wi' ye," pointing to one of the statues over the old porch
of the House; "for she has stood lang i' the outside, and it would be a
treat to see her inside, like other strangers!"
=Wit and Humor Under Difficulties=
Sandy Gordon, the town-crier of Maybole, was a character in his way. At
one period of his life he had been an auctioneer and appraiser, although
his "louring drouth" interfered sadly with the business, but neither
poverty nor misfortune could blunt Sandy's relish for a joke. One day,
going down the street he encountered his son riding on an ass.
"Weel, Jock," quoth he, "you're a riding on your brither."
"Ay, father," rejoined the son, "I didna ken this was ane o' yours tae."
At a neighboring village he had one day sold his shoes to slake his
thirst. After the transaction he was discovered seated on the roadside,
gazing on his bare feet, and soliloquizing in this strain--"Step forrit,
barefit Gordon, if it's no' _on_ you, it's _in_ you."
He was once taking a walk into the country, when he met Sir David Hunter
Blair.
"Where are you for to-day, Gordon?" asked the baronet.
"Sir David," rejoined the crier, with some dignity, "if I was to ask
that of you, you would say I was ill-bred."
He had the misfortune once to break his leg in a drunken brawl, and a
hastily constructed litter was improvised to carry him home. Still his
characteristic humor did not leave him. "Canny boys," he would cry to
those carrying him, "keep the funeral step; tak' care o' my pipe; let
oor Jock tae the head, he's the chief mourner."
=An Affectionate Aunt=
A plain-spoken old Scottish lady, Mrs. Wanchope, of Nibbey, being very
ill, sent for Aunt Soph and said to her: "Soph, I believe I am dying;
will you be always kind to my children when I am gone?"
"Na, na; tak' yer spoilt deevils wi' ye," was the reply, "for I'll hae
naething ado wi' them!"
=A Discerning Fool=
"Jock, how auld will ye be?" said a sage wife to daft Jock Amos one day,
when talking of their ages.
"O, I dinna ken," said Jock; "it would tak' a wiser head than mine to
tell you that."
"It's an unco' queer thing you dinna ken hoo auld you are," returned the
woman.
"I ken weel eneuch how auld I _am_," answered Jock; "but I dinna ken how
auld _I'll be_." [24]
=A Law of Nature=
Principal Hill once encountered a fierce onslaught from the Rev. James
Burn in the General Assembly. When Mr. Burn had concluded his attack,
the professor rose, and said with a smile: "Moderator, we all know that
it is most natural that _Burns_ should _run down Hills_."
The laugh was effectually raised against his opponent, whose arguments
and assertions he then proceeded to demolish at his leisure.
=Ingenious Remedy for Ignorance=
When a former Prince of Wales was married, a Highland minister at
Greenock was praying for the happiness and welfare of the royal couple.
He was somewhat embarrassed as to how he should join the two names, but
at length he got over it thus:
"Lord bless _her_ royal highness the Prince of Wales, and _his_ royal
highness the _she_ prince!"
=Highland "Warldliness"=
At a breakfast there was abundance of Highland cheer, towering dishes of
scones, oatcakes, an enormous cheese, fish eggs and a monstrous
grey-beard of whiskey ready, if required; fumes of tobacco were floating
in the air, and the whole seemed an embodiment of the Highlander's
grace, "Oh, gie us rivers of whiskey, chau'ders o' snuff, and tons o'
tobacco, pread an' a cheese as pig as the great hill of Ben Nevis, and
may our childer's childer be lords and lairds to the latest
sheneration." On repeating this grace to an old hillsman of eighty,
leaning on his stick, he thoughtfully answered: "Weel, it's a goot
grace--a very goot grace--but it's a warldly thing!"
=A Paradox=
On Henry Erskine being told that Knox, who had long derived his
livelihood by keeping the door of the Parliament House, had been killed
by a shot from a small cannon on the king's birthday, he observed that
"it was remarkable that a man should live by the civil and die by the
can(_n_)on law."
=A Sensible Lass=
A Scottish gentleman, while walking in a meadow with some ladies, had
the impudence to snatch a kiss from one, unperceived by the rest. She
said indignantly, "Sir, I am not accustomed to such freedom."
"It will be the greater rarity, then, madam."
She flew from him, and ran towards her mother, who, alarmed at her
seeming terror, inquired what was the cause.
"She has taken fright at a rash buss," said the gentleman.
"O, ye idiot," said the mother, "go back this instant."
She returned, smiling, and said, "Do't again, it's no' forbidden."
=A Sad Loss=
An old lady was telling her grandchildren about some trouble in
Scotland, in the course of which the chief of her clan was beheaded.
"It was nae great thing of a head, bairns, to be sure," said the good
lady, "but it was a sad loss to him."
=Catechising=
The minister called in upon the gudewife at Corset Hill one night, for
the purpose of catechising her.
"What is the Lord's Supper, Peggy?" he inquired.
"'Deed, sir," said the hostel wife, more intent on matters temporal than
on things spiritual, "there's nae lords come this way; but I'se tell ye
what a cadger's supper is--it's just a groat; and what they leave at
night they tak' awa' wi' them in their pouch in the morning."
=Lord Cockburn Confounded=
One day Lord Cockburn went into the Second Division of the Court of
Session, but came out again very hurriedly, meeting Lord Jeffrey at the
door.
"Do you see any paleness about my face, Jeffrey?" asked Cockburn.
"No," replied Jeffrey; "I hope you're well enough."
"I don't know," said the other; "but I have just heard Bolus (Lord
Justice-Clerk Boyle) say: 'I _for one_ am of opinion that this case is
founded on the fundamental basis of a quadrilateral contract, the four
sides of which are agglutinated by adhesion!'"
"I think, Cockburn," said Jeffrey "that you had better go home."
="No Compliments"=
An aged divine had occasionally to avail himself of the assistance of
probationers. One day, a young man, very vain of his accomplishments as
a preacher, officiated, and, on descending from the pulpit, was met by
the old gentleman with extended hands. Expecting high praise, he said,
"No compliments, I pray."
"Na, na, na, my young friend," said the minister, "nowadays I'm glad o'
onybody!"
=A Sensible Servant=
A very old domestic servant of the familiar Scottish character common
long ago, having offended his master extremely, was commanded to leave
his service instantly.
"In troth, and that will I not," answered the domestic; "if your honor
disna ken when ye hae a gude servant, I ken when I hae a gude master,
and go away I will not."
On another occasion of the same nature the master said, "John, you and I
shall never sleep under the same roof again", to which John replied,
with much _naivete_, "Where the deil can your honor be ganging?"
=A Lesson in Manners=
William Martin was at one time a book auctioneer in Edinburgh. He was no
great scholar, and occasionally made some humorous blunders during the
exercise of his vocation. One night he made a clumsy attempt to unravel
the title of a French book. A young dandy, wishing to have the laugh at
Martin's expense, asked him to read the title again, as he did not quite
understand him.
"Oh!" said Martin, "it's something about manners, and that's what
neither you nor me has ower muckle o'."
=A Magnanimous Cobbler=
At a certain country election of a member of Parliament in the
Highlands, the popular candidate waited on a shoemaker to solicit his
vote.
"Get out of my house, sir," said the shoemaker; and the gentleman was
forced to retire accordingly. The cobbler, however, followed him and
called him back, saying, "You turned me off from your estate, sir, and I
was determined to turn you out of my house; but for all that, I'll give
you my vote."
=How Greyhounds are Produced=
At a certain mansion, notorious for its scanty fare, a gentleman was
inquiring of the gardener about a dog which he had given to the laird
some time before. The gardener showed him a lank greyhound, on which the
gentleman said: "No, no; the dog I gave your master was a mastiff, not a
greyhound"; to which the gardener quietly answered:
"Indeed, sir, ony dog would soon be turned into a greyhound if it
stoppit lang here."
=Vanity Scathingly Reproved=
Burns was dining with Maxwell of Terraughty, when one of the guests
chose to talk of the dukes and earls with whom he had drank or dined,
till the host and others got tired of him. Burns, however, silenced him
with an epigram:
"What of earls, with whom you have supped?
And of dukes, that you dined with yestreen?
Lord! a louse, sir, is still but a louse,
Though it crawls on the curls of a queen."
=Gratifying Industry!=
In Galloway large craigs are met with having ancient writing on them.
One on the farm of Knockleby has, cut deep on the upper side:
"Lift me up and I'll tell you more."
A number of people gathered to this craig, and succeeded in lifting it
up, in hopes of being well repaid; but, instead of finding any gold,
they found written on it:
"Lay me down as I was before."
=The Force of Habit=
Some years ago a Scotch gentleman, who went to London for the first
time, took the uppermost story of a lodging-house, and was very much
surprised to get what he thought the genteelest place of the whole at
the lowest price. His friends who came to see him, in vain acquainted
him with the mistake he had been guilty of.
"He ken't very weel," he said, "what gentility was; and after having
lived all his life in a sixth story, he had not come to London to live
upon the ground."
=Significant Advice=
A church in the north country which required a pastor had a beadle who
took an active interest in all the proceedings taken to fill up the
vacancy.
One of the candidates, after the afternoon service was over, put off his
cloak in the vestry and slipped into the church, in which our worthy was
just putting things to rights.
"I was just taking a look at the church," said the minister.
"Ay, tak' a guid look at it," said the beadle, "for it's no' likely
ye'll ever see't again."
=A "Wigging"=
The Rev. Dr. Macleod (father of the late Dr. Norman Macleod) was
proceeding to open a new place of worship.
As he passed slowly and gravely through the crowd gathered about the
doors, an elderly man, with the peculiar kind of a wig known in that
district--bright, smooth and of a reddish brown--accosted him:
"Doctor, if you please, I wish to speak to you."
"Well, Duncan," said the venerable doctor, "can ye not wait till after
worship?"
"No, doctor; I must speak to you now, for it is a matter upon my
conscience."
"Oh, since it is a matter of conscience, tell me what it is; but be
brief, Duncan, for time presses."
"The matter is this, doctor. Ye see the clock yonder on the face of the
new church? Well, there is no clock really there--nothing but the face
of the clock. There is no truth in it, but only once in the twelve
hours. Now it is, in my mind, very wrong, and quite against my
conscience, that there should be a lie on the face of the house of the
Lord."
"Duncan, I will consider the point. I am glad to see you looking so
well. You are not young now; I remember you for many years; and what a
fine head of hair you have still!"
"Eh, doctor, you are joking now; it is long since I have had my hair."
"Oh, Duncan, Duncan, are you going into the house of the Lord with a lie
upon your head?"
This settled the question, and the doctor heard no more of the lie on
the face of the clock.
=A Poacher's Prayer=
Jamie Hamilton, a noted poacher at Crawfordjohn, was once asked by a
woman to pray for a poor old woman who was lying at the point of death.
"I canna pray," said he.
"But ye maun do't, Jamie," said the woman.
"Weel, if I maun do't, I maun do't, but I haena muckle to say," said
Jamie.
Being placed beside the dying woman, the poacher, with thoughts more
intent upon hares than prayers, said "O Lord, thou kens best Thyself how
the case stands between Thee and auld Eppie: but sin' ye hae baith the
haft and the blade in your ain hand, just guide the gully as best suits
Thy ain glory and her guid. Amen!"
Could a bishop have said more in as few words?
=Broader than He was Long=
Mr. Dale, whose portrait figures in _Kay_, was very short in stature,
and also very stout.
Having mentioned to a friend one day that "he had slipped on the ice,
and fallen all his length"--
"Be thankful, sir," was the consolatory and apt reply, "that it was not
all your breadth!"
="Prayer, with Thanksgiving"=
On one occasion, a clergyman eminent for his piety and simplicity of
heart, but also noted for his great eccentricity of character, surprised
his hearers by introducing the following passage into one of his
prayers: "Oh Lord! we desire to offer our grateful thanks unto Thee for
the seasonable relief which Thou has sent to the poor of this place,
from thine inexhaustible storehouse in the great deep, and which every
day we hear called upon our streets, 'Fine fresh herrings, sax a penny!
sax a penny!'"
=An Extra Shilling to Avoid a Calamity=
A farmer having buried his wife, waited upon the grave-digger who had
performed the necessary duties, to pay him fees. Being of a niggardly
disposition, he endeavored to get the knight of the spade to abate his
charges.
The patience of the latter becoming exhausted, he grasped his shovel
impulsively, and, with an angry look, exclaimed: "Doon wi' another
shillin', or--up she comes!" The threat had the desired effect.
=Putting off a Duel and Avoiding a Quarrel=
At a convivial meeting of the Golfing Society at Bruntsfield Links,
Edinburgh, on one occasion, a Mr. Megget took offence at something which
Mr. Braidwood, father of the lamented superintendent of the London Fire
Brigade, had said. Being highly incensed, he desired the latter to
follow him to the Links, and he "would do for him."
Without at all disturbing himself, Mr. Braidwood pleasantly replied:
"Mr. Megget, if you will be so good as to go out to the Links, and _wait
till I come_, I will be very much obliged to you."
This produced a general burst of laughter, in which his antagonist could
not refrain from joining; and it had the effect of restoring him to good
humor for the remainder of the evening.
=A Test of Literary Appreciation=
Dr. Ranken, of Glasgow, wrote a very ponderous _History of France_.
Wishing to learn how it was appreciated by the public, he went to
Stirling's Library _incognito_, and inquired "if Dr. Ranken's _History
of France_ was in?"
Mr. Peat, the caustic librarian, curtly replied: "In! it never was out!"
=Ornithology=
"Pray, Lord Robertson," said a lady to that eminent lawyer at a party,
"can you tell me what sort of a bird the bul-bul is?"
"I suppose, ma'am," replied the humorous judge, "it is the male of the
coo-coo."
=A Practical View of Matrimony=
"Fat's this I hear ye're gaun to dee, Jeannie," said an Aberdeen lass to
another young woman.
"Weel, Maggie, lass, I'm just gaun to marry that farm ower by there, and
live wi' the bit mannie on't."
=Winning the Race Instead of the Battle=
When Sir John Copse fled from Dunbar, the fleetness of his horse carried
him foremost, upon which a sarcastic Scotsman complimented him by
saying, "Deed, sir, but ye hae won the race: win the battle wha like!"
="After You, Leddies"=
Will Hamilton, the "daft man o' Ayr," was once hanging about the
vicinity of a loch, which was partially frozen. Three young ladies were
deliberating as to whether they should venture upon the ice, when one of
them suggested that Will should be asked to walk on first. The proposal
was made to him.
"Though I'm daft, I'm no' ill-bred," quickly responded Will; "after you,
leddies!"
="Ursa Major"=
Boswell expatiating to his father, Lord Auchinleck, on the learning and
other qualities of Dr. Johnson, concluded by saying, "He is the grand
luminary of our hemisphere--quite a constellation, sir."
"Ursa Major, I suppose," dryly responded the judge.
=Sheridan's Pauses=
A Scottish minister had visited London in the early part of the present
century, and seen, among other tricks of pulpit oratory, "Sheridan's
Pauses" exhibited. During his first sermon, after his return home, he
took occasion at the termination of a very impassioned and highly
wrought sentence or paragraph, to stop suddenly, and pause in "mute
unbreathing silence."
The precentor, who had taken advantage of his immemorial privilege to
sleep out the sermon, imagining, from the cessation of sound, that the
discourse was actually brought to a close, started up, with some degree
of agitation, and in an audible, though somewhat tremulous voice read
out his usual, "Remember in prayer----"
"Hoot man!" exclaimed the good-natured orator over his head, placing at
the same time his hand upon his shoulder: "hout, Jamie, man, what's the
matter wi' ye the day; d'ye no ken I hae nae done yet?-- That's only ane
o' Sheridan's pauses, man!"
=Absent in Mind, and Body, Too=
The Rev. John Duncan, the Hebrew scholar, was very absent-minded, and
many curious stories are told of this awkward failing.