THEU. May the Gods and Goddesses confound you with that omen.
TRA. I'm afraid that you can't make satisfaction for yourself and them.
THEU. For what reason, or what new affair is this that you _thus_
suddenly bring me _news of_?
TRA. And (_whispering_) hark you, prithee, do bid those people to move
away from here. (_Pointing to the_ ATTENDANTS _of_ THEUROPIDES.)
THEU. (_to the_ ATTENDANTS). More away from here.
TRA. Don't you touch the house. Touch you the ground [1]
as well. (_Exeunt the_ ATTENDANTS.
THEU. I' faith, prithee, do speak out now.
TRA. Because it is now seven months that not a person has set foot
within this house, _and_ since we once for all left it.
THEU. Tell me, why so?
TRA. Just look around, whether there's any person to overhear our
discourse.
THEU. (_looking around_). All's quite safe.
TRA. Look around once more.
THEU. (_looking around_). There's nobody; now then, speak out. TRA. (_in
a loud whisper_). The house has been guilty of a capital offence [2].
THEU. I don't understand _you_. TRA. A crime, tell you, has
been committed _there_, a long while ago, one of olden time and ancient
date.
THEU. Of ancient date?
TRA. 'Tis but recently, in fact, that we've discovered this deed.
THEU. What is this crime, or who committed it? Tell me.
TRA. A host slew his guest, seized with his hand: he, I fancy, who sold
you the house.
THEU. Slew _him_?
TRA. And robbed this guest of his gold, and buried this guest there in
the house, on the spot.
THEU. For what reason do you suspect that this took place?
TRA. I'll tell _you_; listen. _One day_, when your son had dined away
from home, after he returned home from dining; we all went to bed, _and_
fell asleep. By accident, I had forgotten to put out my lamp; and he,
all of a sudden, called out aloud--
THEU. What person? My son?
TRA. Hist! hold your peace: just listen. He said that a dead man came to
him in his sleep--
THEU. In his dreams, then, you mean?
TRA. Just so. But only listen. He said that he had met with his death by
these means--
THEU. _What_, in his sleep?
TRA. It would have been surprising if he had told him awake, who had
been murdered sixty years ago. On some occasions you are absurdly
simple. But look what he said: "I am the guest of Diapontius, from
beyond the seas; here do I dwell; this has been assigned me as my abode;
for Oreus would not receive me in Acheron, because prematurely I lost my
life. Through confiding was I deceived: my entertainer slew me here, and
that villain secretly laid me in the ground without funereal rites, in
this house, on the spot, for the sake of gold. Now do you depart from
here; this house is accursed, _this_ dwelling is defiled." The wonders
that here take place, hardly in a year could I recount them. Hush, hush!
(_He starts._)
THEU. Troth now, what has happened, prithee?
TRA. The door made a noise. Was it he that was knocking?
THEU. (_turning pale_). I have not _one_ drop of blood! Dead men are
come to fetch me to Acheron, while alive!
TRA. (_aside_). I'm undone! those people there will mar my plot. (_A
noise is heard from within._) How much I dread, lest he should catch me
in the fact.
THEU. What are you talking about to yourself? (_Goes near the door._)
TRA. Do get away from the door. By heavens, fly, I do beseech you.
THEU. Fly where? Fly yourself, as well.
TRA. I am not afraid: I am at peace with the dead.
A VOICE (_from within_). Hallo! Tranio [3].
TRA. (_in a low voice, near the door_). You won't be calling me, if you
are wise. (_Aloud, as if speaking to the_ APPARITION.) 'Tis not I that's
guilty; I did not knock at the door.
THEU. Pray, what is it that's wrong? What matter is agitating you,
Tranio? To whom are you saying these things?
TRA. Prithee, was it you that called me? So may the Gods bless me, I
fancied it was this dead man expostulating because you had knocked at
the door. But are you still standing there, and not doing what I advise
you?
THEU. What am I to do? TRA. Take care not to look back. Fly; cover up
your head!
THEU. Why don't you fly?
TRA. I am at peace with the dead.
THEU. I recollect. Why then were you so dreadfully alarmed just now?
TREA. Have no care for me, I tell you; I'll see to myself. You, as you
have begun _to do_, fly as quick as ever you can; Hercules, too [4], you
will invoke.
THEU. Hercules, I do invoke thee! (_Runs off._)
TRA. (_to himself._) And I, as well, old fellow, that this day he'll
send some heavy mishap upon you. O ye immortal Gods, I do implore your
aid. Plague on it! what a mess I have got into to-day. (_Exit._
[Footnote 1: _Touch you the ground_)--Ver. 457. The ancients were in the
habit of reverentially touching the earth, when engaged in any affairs
that related to the dead or the infernal Deities.]
[Footnote 2: _Guilty of a capital offence_)--Ver. 464. "Capitalis aedes
facta est;" meaning that a murder had been committed in it.]
[Footnote 3: _Hallo! Tranio_)--Ver. 502. Weise's Edition gives these
words to Theuropides. Rost, no doubt rightly, suggests that these words
are spoken by Philolaches from inside (perhaps in a low voice, to ask
Tranio how matters are going on). On this, Tranio turns it to good
account, by pretending that the Ghost is calling out to him for his
supposed impiety in daring to knock at the door.]
[Footnote 4: _Hercules, too_)--Ver. 514. Hercules having slain so
many monsters, was naturally regarded as a Deity likely to give aid in
extreme danger.]
ACT III.--SCENE I.
_Enter a_ BANKER, _at the end of the stage._
BAN. (_to himself_). I never knew any year worse for money upon
interest, than this year has turned out to me. From morning even until
night, I spend my time in the Forum; I cannot lend out a coin of silver
to any one.
_Enter_ TRANIO.
TRA. (_apart_). Now, faith, I am clearly undone in an everlasting
way! The Banker's here who found the money with which his mistress was
bought. The matter's all out, unless I meet him a bit beforehand, so
that the old man may not at present come to know of this. I'll go meet
him. But (_seeing_ THEUROPIDES) I wonder why he has so soon betaken
himself homeward _again_. I'm afraid that he has heard something
about this affair. I'll meet him, and accost him. But how dreadfully
frightened I am! Nothing is more wretched than the mind of a man with a
_guilty_ conscience, such as possesses myself. But however this matter
turns out, I'll proceed to perplex it still further: so does this affair
require.
_Enter_ THEUROPIDES.
TRA. (_accosting him_). Whence come you?
THEU. I met that person from whom I bought this house.
TRA. Did you tell him anything about that which I was telling you?
THEU. I' faith, I certainly told him everything.
TRA. (_aside_). Woe to unfortunate me! I'm afraid that my schemes are
everlastingly undone!
THEU. What is it you are saying to yourself?
TRA. Why nothing. But tell me, prithee, did you _really_ tell him?
THEU. I told him everything in its order, I tell you.
TRA. Does he, then, confess about the guest?
THEU. Why no; he utterly denies it.
TRA. Does he deny it?
THEU. Do you ask me again? I should tell you if he had confessed it.
What now are you of opinion ought to be done?
TRA. What is my opinion? By my troth, I beg of you, appoint an
arbitrator together with him; but take you care that you appoint one who
will believe me; you'll overcome him as easily as a fox eats a pear [1]
BAN. (_to himself_). But see, here's Tranio, the servant of Philolaches,
_people_ who pay me neither interest nor principal on my money. (_Goes
towards_ TRANIO, _who steps forward to meet him._)
THEU. (_to_ TRANIO). Whither are you betaking yourself?
TRA. I'm going no whither. (_Aside._) For sure, I am a wretch, a rascal,
one born with all the Gods my foes! He'll now be accosting me in the old
man's presence. Assuredly, I am a wretched man; in such a fashion both
this way and that do they find business for me. But I'll make haste and
accost him. (_Moves towards the_ BANKER.)
BAN. (_apart_). He's coming towards me. I'm all right; I've some hopes
of my money; he's smiling.
TRA. (_to himself_). The fellow's deceived. (_To the_ BANKER.) I
heartily bid you hail, my _friend_ Saturides [2].
BAN. And hail to you. What about the money?
TRA. Be off with you, will you, you brute. Directly you come, you
commence the attack [3] against me.
BAN. (_apart_). This fellow's empty-handed.
TRA. (_overhearing him_). This fellow's surely a conjurer.
BAN. But why don't you put an end to this trifling?
TRA. Tell me, then, what it is you want.
BAN. Where is Philolaches?
TRA. You never could have met me more opportunely than you have met me.
BAN. How's that?
TRA. (_taking him aside_). Step this way.
BAN. (_aloud_). Why isn't the money repaid me?
TRA. I know that you have a good voice; don't bawl out so loud. BAN.
(_aloud_). I' faith, I certainly shall bawl out.
TRA. O, do humour me _now_.
BAN. What do you want me to humour you in?
TRA. Prithee, be off hence home.
BAN. Be off? TRA. Return here about mid-day.
BAN. Will the interest be paid then?
TRA. It will be paid. Be off.
BAN. Why should I run to and fro here, or use or waste my pains? What if
I remain here until mid-day in preference?
TRA. Why no; be off home. On my word, I'm telling the truth. Only do be
off.
BAN. (_aloud_). Then do you pay me my interest. Why do you trifle _with
me_ this way?
TRA. Bravo! faith. Really now, do be off; do attend to me.
BAN. (_aloud_). I' faith, I'll call him now by name.
TRA. Bravo! stoutly done! Really you are _quite_ rich now when you bawl
out.
BAN. (_aloud_). I'm asking for my own. In this way you've been
disappointing me for these many days past. If I'm troublesome, give me
back the money; I'll go away _then_: That expression [4] puts an end to
all replies.
TRA. (_pretending to offer it him_). _Then_, take the principal [5].
BAN. (_aloud_). Why no, the interest; I want that first.
TRA. What? Have you, you fellow most foul of all fellows, come here to
burst yourself? Do what lies in your power. He's not going to pay you;
he doesn't owe it.
BAN. Not owe it?
TRA. Not a tittle, indeed, can you get from here. Would you prefer for
him to go abroad, _and_ leave the city in exile, driven hence for your
sake? Why then, in preference let him pay the [6] principal.
BAN. But I don't ask for it.
THEU. (_calling out to_ TRANIO,_from a distance_). Hark you! you
whip-knave, come back to me.
TRA. (_to_ THEUROPIDES). I'll be there just now. (_To the_ BANKER.)
Don't you be troublesome: no one's going to pay you; do what you please.
You are the only person, I suppose, that lends money upon interest.
(_Moves towards_ THEUROPIDES.)
BAN. (_bawling aloud_). Give me my interest! pay me my interest! you pay
my interest! Are you going to give me my interest this instant? Give me
my interest!
TRA. Interest here, interest there! The old rogue knows how to talk
about nothing but interest. I do not think that ever I saw any beast
more vile than you.
BAN. Upon my faith, you don't alarm me now with those expressions. This
is of a hot nature; although it is at a distance off, it scorches badly
[7].
TRA. Don't you be troublesome; no one's going to pay you; do what
you please. You are the only person, I suppose, that lends money upon
interest.
THEU. (_to_ TRANIO). Pray, what interest is this that he is asking for?
TRA. (_in a low voice, to the_ BANKER). Look now; his father has arrived
from abroad, not long since; he'll pay you both, interest and principal;
don't you then attempt any further to make us your enemies. See whether
he puts you off.
BAN. Nay but, I'll take it, if anything's offered.
THEU. (_to_ TRANIO, _coming towards him_). What do you say, _then_--?
TRA. What is it you mean?
THEU. Who is this? What is he asking for? Why is he thus rudely speaking
of my son Philolaches in this way, and giving you abuse to your face?
What's owing him?
TRA. (_to_ THEUROPIDES). I beg of you, do order the money to be thrown
in the face of this dirty brute.
THEU. I, order it?
TRA. Order the fellow's face to be pelted with money.
BAN. (_coming nearer_). I could very well put up with a pelting with
money.
THEU. (_to_ TRANIO). What money's this?
TRA. Philolaches owes this person a little.
THEU. How much?
TRA. About forty minae.
BAN. (_to_ THEUROPIDES). Really, don't think much of that; it's a
trifle, in fact.
TRA. Don't you hear him? Troth now, prithee, doesn't he seem just suited
to be a Banker--a generation that's most roguish?
THEU. I don't care, just now, for that, who he is _or_ whence he is;
this I want to be told me, this I very much wish to know--I heard from
him that there was interest owing on the money as well.
TRA. Forty-four minae are due to him. Say that you'll pay it, that he
may be off.
THEU. I, say that I'll pay it?
TRA. Do say so.
THEU. What, I?
TRA. You yourself. Do only say so. Do be guided by me. Do promise. Come
now, I say; I beg of you.
THEU. Answer me; what has been done with this money?
TRA. It's safe.
THEU. Pay it yourselves then, if it's safe.
TRA. Your son has bought a house.
THEU. A house?
TRA. A house.
THEU. Bravo! Philolaches is taking after his father! The fellow now
turns to merchandize. A house, say you?
TRA. A house, I tell you. But do you know of what sort?
THEU. How can I know?
TRA. Out with you!
THEU. What's the matter?
TRA. Don't ask me _that_.
THEU. But why so?
TRA. Bright as a mirror, pure brilliancy _itself_.
THEU. Excellently done, upon my faith! Well, how much did he agree to
give for it?
TRA. As many great talents as you and I _put together_ make; but these
forty minae he paid by way of earnest. (_Pointing to the_ BANKER.) From
him he received what we paid the other man. Do you quite understand? [8]
For after this house was in such a state as I mentioned to you, he at
once purchased another house for himself.
THEU. Excellently done, upon my faith!
BAN. (_touching_ TRANIO). Hark _you_. Mid-day is now close at hand.
TRA. Prithee, do dismiss this puking fellow, that he mayn't worry us to
death. Forty-four minae are due to him, both principal and interest.
BAN. 'Tis just that much; I ask for nothing more.
TRA. Upon my faith, I really could have wished that you had asked more,
_if only_ by a single coin.
THEU. (_to the_ BANKER). Young man, transact the business with me.
BAN. I'm to ask it of you, you mean?
THEU. Come for it to-morrow.
BAN. I'll be off, _then_; I'm quite satisfied if I get it tomorrow.
(_Exit_
TRA. (_aside_). A plague may all the Gods and Goddesses send upon him!
so utterly has he disarranged my plans. On my word, no class of men is
there more disgusting, or less _acquainted_ with fair dealing than the
banking _race_.
THEU. In what neighbourhood did my son buy this house?
TRA. (_aside_). Just see that, now! I'm undone!
THEU. Are you going to tell me that which I ask you?
TRA. I'll tell you; but I'm thinking what was the name of the owner.
(_Pretends to think._)
THEU. Well, call it to mind, then.
TRA. (_aside_). What am I to do now, except _put_ the lie upon this
neighbour of ours next door? I'll say that his son has bought that
house. I' faith, I've heard say that a lie piping-hot is the best _lie_;
this is piping-hot; although it is at a distance off, it scorches badly.
Whatever the Gods dictate, that am I determined to say.
THEU. Well now? Have you recollected it by this?
TRA. (_aside_). May the Gods confound that fellow!--no, this _other_
fellow, rather. (_To_ THEUROPIDES.) Your son has bought the house of
this next-door neighbour _of yours_.
THEU. In real truth?
TRA. If, indeed, you are going to pay down the money, then in real
_truth_; if you are not going to pay it, in real truth he has not bought
it.
THEU. He hasn't bought it in a very good situation.
TRA. Why yes, in a very good one.
THEU. I' faith, I should like to look over this house; just knock at the
door, and call some one to you from within, Tranio.
TRA. (_aside_). Why just look now, again I don't know what I'm to say.
Once more, now, are the surges bearing me upon the self-same rock. What
now? I' faith, I can't discover what I am now to do; I'm caught in the
fact.
THEU. Just call some one out of doors; ask him to show us round.
TRA. (_going to the door of_ SIMO's _house_). Hallo there, you!
(_Turning round_.) But there are ladies here; we must first see whether
they are willing or unwilling.
THEU. You say what's good and proper; just make enquiry, and ask. I'll
wait here outside until you come out.
TRA. (_aside_). May all the Gods and Goddesses utterly confound you, old
gentleman! in such a fashion are you thwarting my artful plans in every
way. Bravo! very good! Look, Simo himself, the owner of the house, is
coming out of doors. I'll step aside here, until I have convened the
senate of council in my mind. Then, when I've discovered what I am to
do, I'll join him. (THEUROPIDES _and_ TRANIO _stand at a distance
from_ SIMO's _house, in opposite directions_, THEUROPIDES _being out of
sight_.)
[Footnote 1: _As a fox eats a pear_)--Ver. 543. This may either mean,
very easily indeed, or not at all. It is not clear that a fox will eat a
pear; but if does, his teeth will go through it with the greatest ease.
Not improbably, Tranio uses the expression for its ambiguity.]
[Footnote 2: _Friend Saturides_)--Ver. 552. A nickname coined by the
author, from "satur," "brimful," of money, probably.]
[Footnote 3: _Commence the attack_)--Ver. 564. "Pilum injecisti."
Literally, "you have thrown the dart." "To throw the dart" was a common
expression, signifying to make the first attack;" as the darts were
thrown before recourse was had to the sword.]
[Footnote 4: _That expression_)--Ver. 574. By "hoc verbum" he probably
alludes to the expression, "reddite argentum," "down with the money."]
[Footnote 5: _Take the principal_)--Ver. 575. He finds he must say
something, so he says this, although he has no money with him. He knows,
however, that the usurer will first insist on the interest being paid,
because if he takes the principal, it will be a legal waver of his right
to claim the interest.]
[Footnote 6: _Let him pay the_)--Ver. 581. "Quin sortem potius dare
licet?" is the reading here, in Weise's Edition; but the line seems
hopelessly incorrect.]
[Footnote 7: _It scorches badly_)--Ver. 592. This line is given by
Gruter to Theuropides, by Acidalius to Tranio, and by Lambinus to
the Banker. The latter seems the most appropriate owner of it; and he
probably alludes, aside, to the effects of his pressing in a loud voice
for the money. Tranio is introduced as using the same expression, in
l.650; but there can be no doubt that the line, as there inserted, is
spurious.]
[Footnote 8: _Do you quite understand_)--Ver. 629. Warner suggests, that
by using this expression before the Banker, he intends to make a secret
of the house being haunted, and that he keeps up the mystery in the
succeeding line.]
SCENE II.--_Enter_ SIMO, _from his house_.
SIM. (_to himself_). I've not enjoyed myself better at home this year
_than I have to-day_, nor has at any time any meal pleased me better.
My wife provided a very nice breakfast for me; now she bids me go take
a nap. By no means! It instantly struck me that _it didn't so happen_
by chance. She provided a better breakfast than is her wont; _and then_,
the old lady wanted to draw me away to my chamber. Sleep is not good [1]
after breakfast--out upon it! I secretly stole away from the house, out
of doors. My wife, I'm sure, is now quite bursting _with rage_ at home.
TRA. (_apart_). A sore mischance is provided for this old fellow by the
evening; for he must both dine and go to bed in-doors in sorry fashion.
SIM. (_continuing_). The more I reflect upon it in my mind: if any
person has a dowried _wife_, sleep has no charms for him. I detest going
to take a nap. It's a settled matter with me to be off to the Forum from
here, rather than nap it at home. And, i' faith (_to the_ AUDIENCE), I
don't know how your _wives_ are in their behaviour; this _wife of mine_,
I know right well how badly she treats me, _and_ that she will prove
more annoying to me hereafter than she has been.
TRA. (_apart_). If your escape, old gentleman, turns out amiss, there'll
be no reason for you to be accusing any one of the Gods; by very good
right, you may justly lay the blame upon yourself. It's time now for me
to accost this old fellow. 'Tis down upon him. [2] I've hit upon a plan
whereby to cajole the old fellow, by means of which to drive grief [3]
away from me. I'll accost him. (_Accosting him_.) May the Gods, Simo,
send on you many blessings! (_Takes him by the hand_.)
SIM. Save you, Tranio! TRA. How fare you?
SIM. Not amiss. What are you about?
TRA. Holding _by the hand_ a very worthy man.
SIM. You act in a friendly way, in speaking well of me.
TRA. It certainly is your due.
SIM. But, i' faith, in you I don't hold a good servant _by the hand_.
THEU. (_calling from a distance, where he is not perceived by_ SIMO).
Hark you! you whip-knave, come back to me.
TRA. (_turning round_). I'll be there just now.
SIM. Well now, how soon--?
TRA. What is it? SIM. The usual goings-on.
TRA. Tell me then, these usual goings-on, what are they?
SIM. The way that you _yourselves_ proceed. But, Tranio, to say
the truth, according as men are, it so befits you to humour them;
reflecting, at the same time, how short life is.
TRA. What _of all this_? Dear me, at last, after some difficulty,
I perceive that you are talking about these goings-on of ours.
SIM. I' faith, you _people_ are living a merry life, just as befits you:
on wine, good cheer, nice dainty fish, you enjoy life.
TRA. Why yes, so it was in time past, indeed; _but_ now these things
have come to an end all at once. SIM. How so?
TRA. So utterly, Simo, are we all undone!
SIM. Won't you hold your tongue? Everything has gone on prosperously
with you hitherto.
TEA. I don't deny that it has been as you say; undoubtedly, we have
lived heartily, just as we pleased; but, Simo, in such a way has the
breeze now forsaken our ship--
SIM. What's the matter? In what way?
TRA. In a most shocking _way_.
SIM. What, wasn't it hauled ashore [4] in safety?
TRA. Ah me! SIM. What's the matter?
TRA. Ah wretched me! I'm utterly undone!
SIM. How so? TRA. Because a ship has come, to smash the hull of our
ship.
SIM. I would wish as you would wish, Tranio, _for your own sake_. But
what is the matter? Do inform me.
TRA. I will inform you. My master has arrived from abroad.
SIM. In that case, the cord will be stretched for you; thence to the
place where iron fetters clink; after that, straight to the cross.
TRA. Now, by your knees, I do implore you, don't give information to my
master.
SIM. Don't you fear; he shall know nothing from me.
TRA. Blessings on you, my patron.
SIM. I don't care for clients of this description for myself.
TRA. Now as to this about which our old gentleman has sent me.
SIM. First answer me this that I ask you. As yet, has your old gentleman
discovered anything of these matters?
TRA. Nothing whatever.
SIM. Has he censured his son at all?
TRA. He is as calm as the calm weather is wont to be. Now he has
requested me most earnestly to beg this of you, that leave may be given
him to see over this house of yours.
SIM. It's not for sale. TRA. I know that indeed; but the old gentleman
wishes to build a woman's apartment [5] here in his own house, baths,
too, and a piazza, and a porch.
SIM. What has he been dreaming of?
TRA. I'll tell you. He wishes to give his son a wife as soon as he can;
for that purpose he wants a new apartment for the women. But he says
that some builder, I don't know who, has been praising up to him this
_house of yours_, as being remarkably well built; now he's desirous to
take a model from it, if you don't make any objection--
SIM. Indeed, he is really choosing a plan for himself from a piece of
poor workmanship.
TRA. _It was_ because he heard that here the summer heat was much
modified; that this house was wont to be inhabited each day all day
long.
SIM. Why really, upon my faith, on the contrary, while there's shade
in every direction, in spite of it, the sun is always here from morning
till night: he stands, like a dun, continually at the door; and I have
no shade anywhere, unless, perhaps, there may be some in the well.
TRA. Well now, have you one from Sarsina, if you have no woman of Umbria
[6]?
SIM. Don't be impertinent. It is just as I tell you.
TRA. Still, he wishes to look over it.
SIM. He may look over it, if he likes. If there is anything that takes
his fancy, let him build after my plan.
TRA. Am I to go and call _this_ person hither?
SIM. Go _and_ call him.
TRA. (_to himself, as he goes to the other side of the stage to call_
THEUROPIDES). They say that Alexander the Great and Agathocles [7]
achieved two very great exploits; what shall be the lot of myself, a
third, who, unaided, am achieving deeds imperishable? This old fellow is
carrying his pack-saddle, the other one, as well. I've hit upon a novel
trade for myself, not a bad one; whereas muleteers have mules to carry
pack-saddles; I've got men to carry the pack-saddles. They are able
to carry heavy burdens; whatever you put upon them, they carry. Now,
I don't know whether I am to address him. I'll accost him, _however_.
(_Calling aloud._) Hark you, Theuropides!
THEU. (_coming forward_). Well; who's calling me?
TRA. A servant most attached to his master. Where you sent me, I got it
all agreed to.
THEU. Prithee, why did you stay there so long?
TRA. The old gentleman hadn't leisure; I was waiting until then.
THEU. You keep up that old way of yours, of being tardy.
TRA. Hark you! if you please reflect upon this proverb: to blow and
swallow [8] at the same moment isn't easy to be done; I couldn't be here
and there at the same time.
THEU. What now?
TRA. Come and look, and inspect it at your own pleasure.
THEU. Very well, you go before me.
TRA. Am I delaying _to do so?_ THEU. I'll follow after you.
TEA. (_as they advance_). Look, the old gentleman himself is awaiting
you before the door, but he is concerned that he has sold this _house_.
THEU. Why so?
TRA. He begs me to persuade Philolaches to let him off.
THEU. I don't think _he will_. Each man reaps on his own farm [9]. If it
had been bought dear, we shouldn't have had permission to return it on
his hands. Whatever profit there is, it's proper to bring it home. It
don't, now-a-days, befit men to be showing compassion.
TRA. I' faith, you are losing time while you are talking. Follow _me_.
THEU. Be it so. TRA. (_to_ THEUROPIDES). I'll give you my services.
(_Pointing._) There's the old gentleman. (_To_ SIMO.) Well now, I've
brought you _this_ person.
SIM. I'm glad that you've arrived safely from abroad, Theuropides. THEU.
May the Gods bless you.
SIM. Your servant was telling me that you were desirous to look over
this house.
THEU. Unless it's inconvenient to you.
SIM. Oh no; _quite_ convenient. Do step in-doors and look over it. THEU.
(_pausing_). But yet--the ladies--
SIM. Take you care not to trouble yourself a straw about any lady.
Walk in every direction, wherever you like, all over the house, just as
though it were your own.
THEU. (_apart to_ TRANIO). "Just as though--?"
TRA. (_whispering_). Oh, take care that you don't throw it in his teeth
now in his concern, that you have bought it. Don't you see him, how sad
a countenance the old gentleman has?
THEU. (_apart_). I see. TRA. (_apart_). Then don't seem to exult, and to
be overmuch delighted; _in fact_, don't make mention that you've bought
it.
THEU. (_apart_). I understand; and I think you've given good advice, and
that it shows a humane disposition. (_Turning to_ SIMO.) What now?
SIM. Won't you go in? Look over it at your leisure, just as you like.
THEU. I consider that you are acting civilly and kindly.
SIM. Troth, I wish to do so. Should you like some one to show you over.
THEU. Away with any one to show [10] me over. I don't want him. SIM.
Why? What's the matter?
THEU. I'll go wrong, rather than any one should show me over.
TRA. (_pointing_). Don't you see, this vestibule before the house, and
the piazza, of what a compass it is?
THEU. Troth, really handsome!
TRA. Well, look _now_, what pillars there are, with what strength they
are built, and of what a thickness.
THEU. I don't think that I _ever_ saw handsomer pillars.
SIM. I' faith, they were some time since bought by me at such a price!
TRA. (_aside, whispering_). Don't you hear--"They were _once"?_ He seems
hardly able to refrain from tears.
THEU. At what price did you purchase them?
SIM. I gave three minae for the two, besides the carriage. (_He retires
to some distance._)
THEU. (_after looking close at them, to_ TRANIO). Why, upon my word,
they are much more unsound than I thought them at first.
TRA. Why so? THEU. Because, i' faith, the woodworm has split them both
from the bottom.
TRA. I think they were cut at an improper season; that fault damages
them; but even as it is, they are quite good enough, if they are covered
with pitch. But it was no foreign pulse-eating artisan [11] did this
work. Don't you see the joints in the door? (_Pointing._)
THEU. I see them. TRA. Look, how close together they are sleeping.
THEU. Sleeping? TRA. That is, how they wink, I intended to say. Are you
satisfied?
THEU. The more I look at each particular, the more it pleases me.
TRA. (_pointing_). Don't you see the painting, where one crow [12] is
baffling two vultures? The crow stands there; it's pecking at them both
in turn. This way, look, prithee, towards me [13], that you may be able
to see the crow. (THEUROPIDES _turns towards him._) Now do you see it?
THEU. (_looking about_). For my part, I really see no crow there.
TRA. But do you look in that direction, towards yourselves, since you
cannot discover the crow, if perchance you may be able to espy the
vultures. (THEUROPIDES _turns towards_ SIMO.) Now do you see _them_?
THEU. Upon my faith, I don't see them.
TRA. But I _can see_ two vultures.
THEU. To make an end of it with you, I don't see any bird at all painted
here.
TRA. Well then, I give it up. I excuse you; it is through age you cannot
see.
THEU. These things which I can _see_, really they do all please me
mightily.
SIM. (_coming forward_). Now, at length, it's worth your while to move
further on. THEU. Troth, you give good advice.
SIM. (_calling at the door_). Ho there, boy! take _this person_ round
this house and the apartments. But I myself would have shown you round,
if I hadn't had business at the Forum.
THEU. Away with any one to show me over. I don't want to be shown over.
Whatever it is, I'd rather go wrong than any one should show me over.
SIM. The house I'm speaking of.
THEU. Then I'll go in without any one to show me over.
SIM. Go, by all means.
THEU. I'll go in-doors, then.
TRA. (_holding him back_). Stop, please; let me see whether the
dog--THEU. Very well then, look. (TRANIO _looks into the passage._)
TRA. There is one. THEU. (_looking in_). Where is it?
TRA. (_to the dog_). Be off and be hanged! 'St, won't you be off to
utter perdition with you? What, do you still linger? 'St, away with you
from here!
SIM. (_coming nearer to the door_). There's no danger. You only move on.
It's as gentle [14] as a woman in childbed. You may boldly step in-doors
wherever you like. I'm going hence to the Forum.
THEU. You've acted obligingly. Good speed to you! (_Exit_ SIMO.) Tranio,
come, make that dog move away from the door inside, although it isn't to
be feared.
TRA. Nay but (_pointing_), you look at it, how gently it lies. Unless
you'd like yourself to appear troublesome and cowardly--
THEU. Very well, just as you like.
TRA. Follow me this way then.
THEU. For my part, I shall not move in any direction from your feet.
(_They go into the house_.)
[Footnote 1: _Sleep is not good_)--Ver. 681. It was a custom with the
Romans to take a nap at noon, after the "prandium." The modern Italians
have the same practice, and call it the "siesta." Simo has his private
reasons for thinking that this nap is not wholesome in his own case.]
[Footnote 2: _Down upon him)_--Ver. 698. "Hoc habet." Literally, "he has
it;" a term used by the Spectators, when a gladiator received a wound at
the gladiatoral games.]
[Footnote 3: _By means of which to drive grief)_--Ver. 699. He plays
upon the resemblance of the words "dolo" and "dolorem."]
[Footnote 4: _Wasn't it hauled ashore_)--Vet. 723. It was the custom,
when ships were not in use, especially in the winter time, to draw them
up on chore, by means of rollers placed beneath them.]
[Footnote 5: _A woman's apartment_)--Ver. 741. "Gynaeceum." This was
a name borrowed from the Greeks, for the apartments in the house which
were especially devoted to the use of the females.]
[Footnote 6: _No woman of Umbria_)--Ver. 756. This is a poor pun upon
the different acceptations of the word "umbra," which may signify,
according to the context, "shade," or "a woman of Umbria." Simo means it
in the former, while Tranio chooses to take it in the latter sense. Simo
does not like this attempt at wit, and tells him not to be impertinent.
We may here observe, that Plautus was born at Sarsina, a town of
Umbria.]
[Footnote 7: _Agathocles_)--Ver. 761. Agathocles rose from the station
of a potter to be king of Sicily.]
[Footnote 8: _To blow and swallow_)--Ver. 777. Or "exhale and inhale."
A proverbial expression, very similar to that in use with us, that "a
person cannot blow hot and cold at the same time."]
[Footnote 9: _Reaps on his own farm_)--Ver. 785. A country proverb,
meaning "every one for himself."]
[Footnote 10: _Away with any one to show_)--Ver. 804. He says this, not
liking the mention of the word "perductor," which, beside meaning an
"attendant" or "one to escort," signifies a "pander" or "procurer."
So in the next line, "perducto" means "to show over" or "to act the
procurer."]
[Footnote 11: _ Foreign pulse-eating artisan_)--Ver. 817. From the use
of the word "pultiphagus," he probably alludes to Carthaginian workmen,
who were very skilful at working in wood. In the Poenulus, Hanno the
Carthaginian is called "patruus pultiphagonides," "the pulse-eating
kinsman." If this is the meaning, it is pretty clear that he is not
speaking in praise of the workmanship. Some, however, think that as,
in early times, the lower classes at Rome lived upon "puls," "pap" or
"pottage," the Scene being at Athens, Roman workmen are alluded to;
if so, he may mean to speak in praise of the work, and to say that no
bungling artists made the doors. See the Note in p. 355. The joints are
said to wink, from the close conjunction of the eyelids in the act of
winking.]
[Footnote 12: _Where one crow_)--Ver. 821. By the "crow," he means
himself; and by the "vultures," the two old men. Simo is probably
standing at some distance off; and knowing that his master's sight is
not good, he feels that he may deride him with impunity.]
[Footnote 13: _Towards me_)--Ver. 822. "Ad me." Theuropides thinks he
means, "in my direction;" whereas Tranio really means, "look 'at me,'
and you will see the crow;" though he does not intend that his master
shall take it in that sense.]
[Footnote 14: _It's as gentle_)--Ver. 840. This, probably, is intended
to refer to the statue of a dog lying down in the vestibule, and not
a real one. Pictures of dogs, with "cave canem" written beneath, were
sometimes painted on the wall near the door.]
ACT IV.--SCENE I.
_Enter_ PHANISCUS.
PHA. (_to himself_). Servants who, though they are free from fault,
still stand in awe of punishment, those same are wont to be serviceable
to their masters. But those who fear nothing, after they have merited
punishment, hit upon foolish plans for themselves: they exercise
themselves in running; they take to flight. But, if they are caught,
they acquire from punishment a hoard, which by good means they cannot.
They increase from a very little, _and_ from that they lay by a
treasure. The resolution that's in my mind is to be determined to be on
my guard against punishment, before my back comes to lose its state of
soundness. As hitherto it has been, so does it become my hide _still_ to
be, without a bruise, and such that I should decline its being beaten.
If I have any control over it, I shall keep it well covered up [1]. When
punishment is being showered down on others, don't let it be showered
down on me. But as servants wish their master to be, such is he wont to
be. He is good to the good, bad to the bad. But now at our house at home
there do live so many rogues, lavish of their property [2], bearers of
stripes. When they are called to go fetch their master, "I shan't go;
don't be plaguing _me_; I know where you are hurrying off to," _is the
reply_. "Now, faith, you mule, you're longing to go to pasturage out of
doors [3]." With better deserts, this advantage have I reaped from them,
_and_, in consequence, I have come from home. I alone, out of _so_ many
servants, am going to fetch my master. When, to-morrow, my master comes
to know this, in the morning he will chastise them with bull's-hide
spoils. In fine, I care less for their backs than for my own. Much
rather shall they be bull's-hide-scourged than I be rope-scourged [4].
(_Moves on._)
_Enter another_ SERVANT.
SER. Hold you and stop this instant. Phaniscus! look round, I say!
PHA. (_not turning round_). Don't be annoying to me.
SER. Do see how scornful the monkey is!
PHA. I am so for myself; I choose to be. Why do you trouble yourself
about it? (_Walking on._)
SER. Are you going to stop this instant, you dirty parasite? PHA.
(_turning round_). How am I a parasite?
SER. Why, I'll tell you: you can be drawn anywhere by victuals. Do you
give yourself airs, because your master's so fond _of you_?
PHA. (_rubbing his eyes_). O dear, my eyes do ache [5].
SER. Why so?
PHA. Because the smoke's _so_ troublesome.
SER. Hold your tongue, will you, _you clever_ workman, who are in the
habit of coining money out of lead [6].
PHA. You cannot compel me to be abusive to you. My master knows me.
SER. Why, really, his own pillow [7] he ought to know, _for resting on
when drunk_.
PHA. If you were sober, you wouldn't be abusive.
SER. Am I to give heed to you, when you won't to me?
PHA. But, you rascal, you come along with me to fetch him.
SER. Troth now, Phaniscus, prithee, do leave off talking about these
matters.
PHA. I'll do so, and knock at the door. (_Knocks at the door of the
house of_ THEUROPIDES.) Hallo there! is there any person here to protect
this door from a most serious injury? (_Knocking again._) Is any one,
is any one, I say, coming out here and going to open it? Why, really,
no one comes out here. Just as befits _such_ worthless fellows, so they
are. But on that account, I've the more need to be cautious that no one
may come out and use me ill. (_They stand aside._)
[Footnote 1: _Well covered up_)--Ver. 865. He alludes to the practice of
stripping disobedient slaves, for the purpose of flogging them.]
[Footnote 2: _Lavish of their property_)--Ver. 870. That is, of their
backs.]
[Footnote 3: _To pasturage out of doors_)--Ver. 876. This was probably a
proverbial phrase for going to the "thermopolium," the "hot liquor-shop"
or "tippling-house," so much frequented by the slaves. See the
Trinummus, 1. 1013, and the Note to the passage.]
[Footnote 4: _bull's-hide-scourged--rope-scourged_)--Ver. 882.
"Bucaedae--restio." The latter word properly signifies "a ropemaker."
The former is probably coined by Plautus.]
[Footnote 5: _My eyes do ache_)--Ver. 890. Phaniscus probably means to
say, that the sight of him is as annoying to his eyes as smoke can be.]
[Footnote 6: _Money out of lead_)--Ver. 892. According to Erasmus,
(Adagia Chil. v. Cent. 1,) this was a proverbial expression among the
Romans, signifying the ability to put on a specious appearance.]
[Footnote 7: _His own pillow_)--Ver. 894. There is an indelicate
allusion in this line; and another turn has been given to it in the
Translation.]
SCENE II.--_Enter_ TRANIO _and_ THEUROPIDES, _from the house of_ SIMO.
TRA. What's your opinion of this bargain?
THEU. I am quite delighted.
TRA. Does it seem to you to have been bought too dear?
THEU. I' faith, I'm sure that I never anywhere saw a house thrown away,
this one only excepted.
TRA. Does it please you, _then_?
THEU. Does it please me, do you ask me? Why yes, upon my faith, it
really does please me very much.
TRA. What a fine set of rooms for the women! What a porch!
THEU. Exceedingly fine. For my part, I don't think that there is any
_porch_ larger than this in the public buildings.
TRA. Why, I myself and Philolaches have taken the measure of all the
porches in the public buildings.
THEU. _Well_, what then?
TRA. _This_ is far larger than all of them.
THEU. Immortal Gods--a splendid bargain! On my word, if he were now to
offer six great talents of silver, ready money, for it, I would never
take it.
TRA. Upon my faith, if you were inclined to take it, I would never let
you.
THEU. My money has been well invested upon this purchase.
TRA. Boldly confess that by my advice and prompting it was done, who
urged him to take up the money of the Banker upon interest, which we
paid this person by way of deposit.
THEU. You've saved the whole ship. Eighty minae [1], you say, are owing
for it?
TRA. Not a coin more. THEU. He may have it to-day.
TRA. By all means so, that there may be no dispute arising; or else pay
them over to me, I'll then pay them over to him.
THEU. But still, don't let there be any taking me in, if I do give them
to you.
TRA. Could I venture to deceive you in deed or word even in jest only?
THEU. Could I venture not to be on my guard against you, so as not to
trust anything to you?
TRA. Why, have I ever imposed upon you in anything, since I was your
_servant_?
THEU. But I've taken good care _of that_; I owe thanks to myself and my
own judgment for that. If I'm only on my guard against you solely, I'm
quite wise enough.
TRA. (_aside_). I agree with you.
THEU. Now be off into the country; tell my son that I've arrived.
TRA. I'll do as you wish.
THEIU. Run with all speed; bid him come to the city at once together
with you.
TRA. Very well. (_Aside._) Now I'll betake myself this way by the
back-door to my boon-companions; I'll tell them that things are quiet
here, and how I have kept him away from here. (_Exit._
[Footnote 1: _Eighty minae_)--Ver. 919. Forty having been already paid
(according to his story) as a deposit, and there being 120 minae in two
talents.]
SCENE III.--THEUROPIDES, PHANISCUS, _and another_ SERVANT.
PHA. (_coming forward_). Really, I don't hear either the sound of
revellers here, as once it was, nor yet the music-girl singing, nor any
one else. (_Goes towards the door._)
THEU. What's the matter here? What are these people seeking at my house?
What do they want? What are they peeping in for?
PHA. I shall proceed to knock at the door. (_Knocks._)
Hallo there, unlock _the door_! Hallo, Tranio! are you going to open it,
I say?
THEU. (_advancing_). What story's this, _I wonder_?
PHA. (_aloud_). Are you going to open it, I say? I've come to fetch my
master Callidamates.
THEU. Harkye, you lads! what are you doing there? Why are you breaking
down that door?
PHA. Our master's at a drinking-party here.
THEU. Your master at a drinking-party here?
PHA. I say so.
THEU. You're carrying the joke too far _my_ lad.
PHA. We've come to fetch him.
THEU. What person? PHA. Our master. Prithee, how often must I tell you?
THEU. There's no one living here _my_ lad; for I do think that you are a
decent lad.
PHA. Doesn't a young gentleman _called_ Philolaches live in this house?
SER. (_aside_). This old fellow's crack-brained, surely.
PHA. You are entirely mistaken, respected sir [1]; for unless he moved
from here to-day or yesterday, I know for certain that he's living here.
THEU. Why, no one has been living here for these six months past.
SER. You are dreaming. THEU. What, I?
SER. You. THEU. Don't you be impertinent. Let me speak to the lad.
(_Pointing to_ PHANISCUS.)
PHA. No one lives _there_? O dear--
THEU. It's the fact.
PHA. Really! why, yesterday and the day before, four, five, six days
ago, all along, _in fact_, since his father went abroad from here,
eating and drinking have never ceased for a single three days here.
THEU. What is it you say?
PHA. That eating and drinking have never stopped for a single three days
here, bringing in wenches, living like Greeks, hiring harpists _and_
music-girls.
THEU. Who was it did this?
PHA. Philolaches. THEU. What Philolaches?
PHA. He whose father I take to be Theuropides.
THEU. (_apart_). O dear, O dear! I'm utterly undone, if he says the
truth in this. I'll continue to question him still. Do you say that
this Philolaches, whoever he is, has been in the habit of drinking here
together with your master?
PHA. Here, I tell you.
THEU. _My_ lad, contrary to your appearance, you are a fool. See now,
please, that you've not perchance been dropping in somewhere for an
afternoon's whet [2], and have been drinking there a little more than
was enough.
PHA. What do you mean? THEU. Just what I say; don't be going by mistake
to other persons' houses.
PHA. I know where I ought to go, and the place to which I was to come.
Philolaches lives here, whose father is Theuropides; and who, after his
father went away to trade, made free a music-girl here.
THEU. Philolaches, say you? PHA. Just so; Philematium, I mean.
THEU. For how much? SER. For thirty talents.
PHA. _No_, by Apollo [3]; you mean minae.
THEU. Do you say that a mistress was purchased for Philolaches for
thirty minae?
PHA. I do say so. THEU. And that he gave her her freedom?
PHA. I do say so. THEU. And that after his father had departed hence
abroad, he has been carousing here continually with your master?
PHA. I do say _so_. THEU. Well, has he made purchase of the house next
door here?
PHA. I don't say _so_. THEU. Has he given forty minae, too, to this
person, to be as a deposit?
PHA. Nor yet do I say _so_.
THEU. Ah me! you've proved my ruin!
PHA. Aye, and he has proved the ruin of his father.
THEU. You prophesy the truth! I could wish it false!
PHA. A friend of his father, I suppose?
THEU. Ah me! Upon my faith, you do pronounce him _to be_ a wretched
father.
PHA. Why really, this is nothing at all--thirty minae, in comparison
with the other expenses he has incurred in good living. He has ruined
his father. There's one servant there, a very great scoundrel, Tranio
_by name_; he could even waste the revenue of a Hercules [4]. On my
word, I'm sadly distrest for his father; for when he comes to know that
things have gone on thus, a hot coal will be scorching his breast, poor
man.
THEU. If, indeed, this is the truth.
PHA. What am I to gain, that I should tell a lie? (_Knocks again at the
door._) Hallo, you! is any one coming to open this _door_?
SER. Why do you knock in this way, when there's no one in the house?
PHA. I fancy that he's gone elsewhere to carouse. Now then, let's
begone. (_They move as if going._)
THEU. What, _my_ lad, are you off then? Liberty's the overcoat for your
back [5].
PHA. Nothing have I with which to cover my back, except to pay respect
and service to my master.
(_Exeunt_ PHANISCUS and SERVANT.
THEU. (_to himself_). By my troth, I am undone! What need is there of
talking? According to the words I have heard, I surely haven't lately
voyaged hence to Aegypt, but even to some desolate land and the most
remote shores have I been borne about, so much am I at a loss to know
where I now am. But I shall soon know; for see, here's the person of
whom my son bought the house.
[Footnote 1: _Respected sir_)--Ver. 944. "Pater," Literally, "father."]
[Footnote 2: _An afternoon's whet_)--Ver. 958. "Merendam." According to
some, this meal was the same as the "prandium," or "breakfast;" while
others take it to have been a slight meal or luncheon, taken at about
four or five in the afternoon.]
[Footnote 3: _No, by Apollo_)--Ver. 965. [Greek: Ma ton Apollo]. He uses
a Greek adjuration.]
[Footnote 4: _The revenue of a Hercules_)--Ver. 976. It was the custom
with many to devote to Hercules the tenth part of their possessions.
Consequently, the revenues belonging to the Temples of this Deity would
be especially large.]
[Footnote 5: _The overcoat for your back_)--Ver. 982. Schmieder thinks
this is said insultingly to Phaniscus. It would, however, appear
otherwise: Phaniscus having no "paenula," or "overcoat," on,
Theuropides, who thinks him a very worthy fellow, says, "My good fellow,
your freedom would make you a very fine overcoat." ]
SCENE IV.--_Enter_ SIMO.
THEU. What are you about?
SIM. I'm coming home from the Forum.
THEU. Has anything new been going on at the Forum to-day?
SIM. Why yes. THEU. What is it, pray?
SIM. I saw a dead man being carried to burial.
THEU. Dear me! that is something new!
SIM. I saw one who was dead being carried out to burial [1]. They said
that he had been alive but just before.
THEU. Woe to that head of yours _for your nonsense_!
SIM. Why are you, _thus_ idling about, enquiring after the news? THEU.
Because I've just arrived from abroad.
SIM. I'm engaged out to dine: don't suppose I shall invite you [2].
THEU. I' faith, I don't want.
SIM. But, to-morrow, unless any person invites me first, I'll even dine
with you.
THEU. I' faith, and that, too, I don't want. Unless you are engaged
_with something_ of greater importance, lend me your attention.
SIM. By all means. THEU. You have received, as far as I understand,
forty minae of Philolaches.
SIM. Never a coin, so far as I know.
THEU. What? _Not_ from my servant Tranio?
SIM. Much less _is_ that _the case_.
THEU. Which he gave you by way of deposit?
SIM. What are you dreaming about?
THEU. What, I? Why, really, 'tis yourself, who hope that, by dissembling
in this manner, you'll be able to make void this bargain.
SIM. Why, what _do you mean_? THEU. The business that, in my absence, my
son transacted with you here.
SIM. How did your son, in your absence, transact any business with me?
What pray, or on what day?
THEU. I owe you eighty minae of silver.
SIM. Not to me, indeed, upon my faith; but _still_, if you do owe them,
give them me. Faith must be kept. Don't be attempting to deny it.
THEU. Assuredly, I shall not deny that I owe them; and I shall pay them.
Do you take care how you deny that you received the forty from him.
SIM. Troth now, prithee, look this way at me, and answer me. He said
that you were wishful to give a wife to your son; for that reason, he
said that you intended building on your own _premises_.
THEU. I, intended building here? SIM. So he told me.
THEU. Ah me! I'm ruined outright! I've hardly any voice left [3].
Neighbours, I'm undone, ruined quite!
SIM. Has Tranio been causing any confusion?
THEU. Yes; he has thrown everything into confusion. He has made a fool
of me to-day in a disgraceful manner.
SIM. What is it you say?
THEU. This matter is just as I am telling you; he has this day made a
fool of me in an outrageous manner. Now I beseech you that you'll kindly
aid me, and lend me your assistance.
SIM. What would you have?
THEU. I beg of you, come this way together with me.
SIM. Be it so. THEU. Lend me the assistance of your slaves and some
scourges.
SIM. Take them _by all means_.
THEU. At the same time I'll tell you about this, in what a fashion he
has this day imposed upon me. (_They go into the house of_ SIMO.)
[Footnote 1: _Being carried out to burial_)--Ver. 991. It is supposed
that in this reply he plays upon the question of Theuropides, who uses
the word "processit" in his question, which may either mean, "what has
been going on?" or "what procession has there been?"]
[Footnote 2: _I shall invite you_)--996. He alludes to the universal
custom of giving friends a "coena viatica," or welcome entertainment, on
arriving from off a journey.]
[Footnote 3: _I've hardly any voice left_)--Ver. 1019. "Vocis non habeo
satis." Literally, "I have not voice enough."]
ACT V.--SCENE I.
_Enter_ TRANIO.
TRA. (_to himself_). The man that shall prove timid in critical matters,
will not be worth a nutshell. And, really, to say what that expression,
"worth a nutshell," means, I don't know. But after my master sent me
into the country to fetch his son hither, I went that way (_pointing_)
slily through the lane to our garden. At the entrance to the garden
that's in the lane, I opened the door; and by that road I led out all
the troop, both men and women. After, from being in a state of siege, I
had led out my troops to a place of safety, I
adopted the plan of convoking a senate of my comrades, and when I had
convoked it, they forthwith banished me from the senate. When I myself
perceived that the matter must be decided by my own judgment, as soon as
ever I could, I did the same as many others do, whose affairs are in
a critical or a perplexed state; they proceed to render them more
perplexed, so that nothing can be settled. But I know full well, that
now by no means can this be concealed from the old man. But how's this,
that our next neighbour's door makes a noise? Why, surely this is my
master: I'd like to have a taste of his talk. (_Goes aside, out of sight
of_ THEUROPIDES.)
_Enter_ THEUROPIDES, _from_ SIMO'S _house._
THEU. (_in the doorway, speaking to_ SIMO'S SLAVES). Do you stand there,
in that spot within the threshold; so that, the very instant I call, you
may sally forth at once. Quickly fasten the handcuffs _upon him_. I'll
wait before the house for this fellow that makes a fool of me, whose
hide I'll make a fool of in fine style, if I live.
TRA. (_apart_). The affair's all out. Now it's best for you, Tranio, to
consider what you are to do.
THEU. (_to himself_). I must go to work to catch him cleverly and
artfully when he comes here. I'll not disclose to him my feelings all at
once; I'll throw out my line; I'll conceal the fact that I know anything
of these matters.
TRA. (_apart_). O cunning mortal! not another person in Athens can be
pronounced more clever than he. One can no more this day deceive him
than _he can_ a stone. I'll accost the man; I'll address him.
THEU. (_to himself_). Now I do wish that he would come here.
TRA. (_apart_). I' faith, if me indeed you want, here I am ready at hand
for you. (_Comes forward._)
THEU. Bravo! Tranio, what's being done?
TRA. The country people are coming from the country: Philolaches will be
here in a moment.
THEU. I' faith, he comes opportunely for me. This neighbour of ours I
take to be a shameless and dishonest fellow.
TRA. Why so?
THEU. Inasmuch as he denies that he knows you.
TRA. Denies it? THEU. _And declares_ that you never gave him a single
coin of money.
TRA. Out with you, you are joking me, I do believe; he doesn't deny it.
THEU. How so? TRA. I am sure now that you are joking; for surely he
doesn't deny it.
THEU. Nay but, upon my faith, he really does deny it; or that he has
sold this house to Philolaches.
TRA. Well now, pray, has he denied that the money was paid him?
THEU. Nay more, he offered to take an oath to me, if I desired it, that
he had neither sold this house, nor had _any_ money him paid been. I
told him the same _that you told me_.
TRA. What did he say? THEU. He offered to give up all his servants for
examination.
TRA. Nonsense! On my faith, he never will give them up.
THEU. He really does offer _them_.
TRA. Why then, do you summon him to trial.
THEU. Wait a bit; I'll make trial as I fancy. I'm determined on it. TRA.
Bring the fellow here to me.
THEU. What then, if I go fetch some men?
TRA. It ought to hare been done already; or else bid the young man to
demand possession of the house.
THEU. Why no, I want _to do_ this first--to put the servants under
examination [1].
TRA. I' faith, I think it ought to be done. Meantime, I'll take
possession of this altar [2]. (_Runs to the altar._)
THEU. Why so? TRA. You can understand nothing. Why, that those may not
be able to take refuge here whom he shall give up for examination,
I'll keep guard here for you; so that the examination may not come to
nothing.
THEU. Get up _from the altar_. TRA. By no means.
THEU. Prithee, don't you take possession of the altar.
TRA. Why so?
THEU. You shall hear; why, because I especially want this, for them to
be taking refuge there. Do let _them_; so much the more easily shall I
get him fined before the judge.
TRA. What you intend to do, do it. Why do you wish to sow further
strife? You don't know how ticklish a thing it is to go to law.
THEU. Just get up, (_beckoning_) this way; it's, then, to ask your
advice upon something _that I want you_.
TRA. Still, as I am, I'll give my advice from this spot; my wits are
much sharper when I'm sitting [3]. Besides, advice is given with higher
sanction from holy places [4].
THEU. Get up; don't be trifling. Just look me in the face. TRA.
(_looking at him_). I am looking.
THEU. Do you see me? TRA. I do see--that if any third person were to
step in here, he would die of hunger.
THEU. Why so? TRA. Because he would get no profit; for, upon my faith,
we are both artful ones.
THEU. I'm undone! TRA. What's the matter with you?
THEU. You have deceived me. TRA. How so, pray?
THEU. You've wiped me clean [5]. TRA. Consider, please, if it wasn't
well done; is your nose running _still_?
THEU. Aye, all my brains besides have you been wiping out of my head as
well. For all your villanies I have discovered from their very roots;
and not from the roots, indeed, i' faith, but even from beneath the very
roots. Never this day, by my troth, will you have planned _all this_
without being punished. I shall at once, you villain, order fire and
faggots [6] to be placed around you.
TRA. Don't do it; for it's my way to be sweeter boiled than roasted.
THEU. Upon my faith, I'll make an example of you.
TRA. Because I please you, you select me for an example.
THEU. Say _now_: what kind of a person did I leave my son, when I went
away from here?
TRA. _One_ with feet _and_ hands, with fingers, ears, eyes, _and_ lips.
THEU. I asked you something else _than that_.
TRA. For that reason I now answer you something else. But look, I see
Callidamates, the friend of your son, coming this way. Deal with me in
his presence, if you want anything.
[Footnote 1: _Servants under examination_)--Ver. 1073. "Quaestioni."
"Examination by torture;" which was the method used by the Romans for
extracting confessions from slaves.]
[Footnote 2: _Take position of this altar_)--Ver. 1074. When a person
took refuge at an altar, he could not be brought to justice, or have
violence offered to his person. According to some writers, there were
always two altars on the stage of Comedy, one on the right hand, sacred
to Apollo, and one on the left, devoted to that Divinity or Hero in
honor of whom the Play was being acted.]
[Footnote 3: _Sharper when I'm sitting_)--1083. Warner suggests that
a little raillery is intended here, upon the custom of sitting when
dispensing justice and paying adoration to the Gods.]
[Footnote 4: _With higher sanction from holy places_)--Ver. 1084.
The ancients made use of sacred places for the purpose of debating on
affairs of importance in, as being likely to add weight and authority
to their judgment. The Roman Senate often met in the Temples, and there
administered justice and gate audience to ambassadors.]
[Footnote 5: _You've wiped me clean_)--Ver. 1089. "Emungo," "to wipe
the nose" for a person, also meant "to cheat" or "impose upon him;"
probably, by reason of the state of helplessness it implied in the party
who was so treated.]
[Footnote 6: _Order fire and faggots_)--Ver. 1099. Though a suppliant
could not be removed from the altar by force, still it was allowable to
burn him away, by surrounding him with fire.]
SCENE II.--_Enter CALLIDAMATES, at a distance._
CALL. (_to himself_). When I had buried all drowsiness [1], and slept
off the debauch, Philolaches told me that _his_ father had arrived here
from abroad; in what a way too _his_ servant had imposed upon the man on
his arrival; he said that he was afraid to come into his presence. Now
of our company I am deputed sole ambassador, to obtain peace from
his father. And look, most opportunely here he is. (_Accosting_
THEUROPIDES.) I wish you health, Theuropides, and am glad that you've
got back safe from abroad. You must dine here with us to-day. Do so.
THEU. Callidamates, may the Gods bless you. For your dinner I offer you
my thanks.
CALL. Will you come then? TRA. (_To_ THEUROPIDES.) Do promise him; I'll
go for you, if you don't like.
THEU. Whip-scoundrel, laughing at _me_ still?
TRA. What, because I say that I'll go to dinner for you?
THEU. But you shan't go. I'll have you carried to the cross, as you
deserve.
TRA. Come, let this pass, and say that I shall go to the dinner. Why are
you silent?
CALL. (_to_ TRANIO). But why, you greatest of simpletons, have you taken
refuge at the altar?
TRA. He frightened me on his arrival. (_To_ THEUROPIDES.) Say now, what
I have done _amiss_. Look, now there's an umpire for us both; come,
discuss _the matter_.
THEU. I say that you have corrupted my son.
TRA. Only listen. I confess that he has done amiss; that he has given
freedom to his mistress; that in your absence he has borrowed money
at interest; that, I admit, is squandered away. Has he done anything
different to what sons of the noblest families do?
THEU. Upon my faith, I must be on my guard with you; you are too clever
a pleader.
CALL. Just let me be umpire in this matter. (_To_ TRANIO.) Get up; I'll
seat myself there.
THEU. By all means: take the management of this dispute to yourself.
(_Pushes him to one side of the altar._)
TRA. Why, this is _surely_ a trick. Make me, then, not to be in a
fright, and yourself to be in a fright in my stead.
THEU. I consider now everything of trifling consequence, compared with
the way in which he has fooled me.
TRA. I' faith, 'twas cleverly done, and I rejoice that it was done.
Those who have white heads ought at that age to be wiser.
THEU. What am I now to do if my friend Demipho or Philonides--
TRA. Tell them in what way your servant made a fool of you. You would be
affording most capital plots for Comedies.
CALL. Hold your tongue awhile; let me speak in my turn.--Listen. THEU.
By all means.
CALL. In the first place of all then, you know that I am the companion
of your son; he has gone to my house, for he is ashamed to come into
your presence, because he knows that you are aware what he has done.
Now, I beseech you, do pardon his simplicity and youthfulness. He is
your _son_; you know that this age is wont to play such pranks; whatever
he has done, he has done in company with me. We have acted wrong:
the interest, principal, and all the sum at which the mistress vas
purchased, all of it we will find, _and_ will contribute together, at
our own cost, not yours.
THEU. No mediator could have come to me more able to influence me
than yourself. I am neither angry with him [2], nor do I blame him for
anything: nay more, in my presence, wench on, drink, do what you please.
If he's ashamed of this, that he has been extravagant, I have sufficient
satisfaction.
CALL. I'm quite ashamed _myself_.
TRA. He grants pardon thus far; now then, what is to become of me?
THEU. Filth, tied up as you hang, you shall be beaten with stripes.
TRA. Even though I am ashamed [3]?
THEU. Upon my faith, I'll be the death of you, if I live!
CALL. Make this pardon general; do, pray, forgive Tranio this offence,
for my sake.
THEU. I would more readily put up with your obtaining any other request
of me than that I should forbear sending to perdition this fellow for
his most villanous doings.
CALL. Pray, do pardon him. TRA. Do pardon me?
THEU. Look there, don't you see how the villain sticks there? (_Pointing
to the altar._)
CALL. Tranio, do be quiet, if you are in your senses.
THEU. Only do you be quiet in urging this matter. I'll subdue him with
stripes, so that he shall be quiet.
CALL. Really, there is no need. Come now, do allow yourself to be
prevailed upon.
THEU. I wish you would not request me.
CALL. Troth now, I do entreat you.
THEU. I wish you would not request me, I tell you.
CALL. It's in vain you wish me not; only do grant this one pardon for
his offence, pray, for my sake, I do entreat you.
TRA. Why make this difficulty? As if to-morrow, I shouldn't be very soon
committing some other fault; then, both of them, both this one and that,
you'll be able to punish soundly.
CALL. Do let me prevail upon you.
THEU. Well then, have it _so_; begone, unpunished! (TRANIO _jumps down
from the altar._) There now, (_pointing to_ CALLIDAMATES) return him
thanks for it. (_Coming forward._) Spectators, this Play is finished;
grant _us your_ applause [4].
[Footnote 1: _Buried all drowsiness_)--Ver. 1102. Generally we hear of
a person "being buried in sleep;" but Callidamates considers that a
drunkard, when he awakes from his sleep, "buries slumber." It is
not unlike the words of Shakspeare, in Macbeth: "Macbeth doth murder
sleep!"]
[Footnote 2: _Neither angry with him_)--Ver. 1142. "Illi," "with him;"
evidently meaning Philolaches.]
[Footnote 3: _Though I am ashamed_)--Ver. 1146. This piece of impudence
is very characteristic of Tranio.]
[Footnote 4: _Grant us your applause_)--Ver. 1160. We may here remark
that The Intriguing Chambermaid, one of Fielding's Comedies, is founded
upon this entertaining Play.]
End of Project Gutenberg's The Captiva and The Mostellaria, by Plautus