This rule has been lately discovered.
8. Get some one to write a history of CAESAR for you, or an account of a
tour in the Highlands, and then claim the work as your own.
There are one or two observations I would here make, which may be
useful. If you are ambitious, you had better commence at the lower
rounds of the ladder, in order that your ascent may be safe and rapid.
If you would be, for instance, a great statesman, be first an alderman;
if a great warrior, be first--well, say a tanner. Also, you should pay
particular attention to the clothes which you inhabit. An old white hat
and a slouchy old overcoat will insure you a nomination for the office
of Governor.
If, by following these rules and heeding these observations, you cannot
become a great man, you may rest assured that the fault is not in the
rules, but in you. What is already perfect cannot be made more perfect.
If you fail, after conscientiously following the above advice, (though
I'm not sure that the fact will not be the same, if you succeed,) it's
because you are already great--a great fool.
* * * * *
"THE COLORED TROOPS FOUGHT NOBLY."
So far as the Franco-Prussian war has gone, the blackest page of its
history appears to be the employment of the Turcos, who are nearly as
black as average Nubian "niggers." The expedient of mixing black troops
with white was not very successful during our own little war. Raids upon
hen-roosts were about the most prominent results of the experiment,
though said raids were magnified by the Rads into grand victories over
Confeds. The Turcos have done better, so far as mere fighting is
concerned; but their brutal outrages exceed so greatly the hen-roost
exploits of WENDELL PHILLIPS'S devoted darkies, that they are certainly
entitled to be organized into battalions bearing the title of the
NAPOLEON Black Guards.
* * * * *
"THE VOICE OF THE TURTLE."
According to a newspaper paragraph, turtles are growing used to being
canned alive, now, on the Pacific Coast. On hearing of this atrocity,
the Nine Muses repaired at once to the office of PUNCHINELLO, and here
is the result of their visit:
'Tis the voice of the Turtle
That's heard in the land.
Crying, "Bother your care!
I don't want to be canned!
"Pack me whole in a tub,
Nor be stingy of ice,
What I want is a BERGH,
Nothing less will suffice."
* * * * *