MIRACLES.
That curious volume of exaggerated fiction known as the Baron
Munchausen stories has delighted many. Works of this character fill
a legitimate place in literature. The humorists have contributed much
to the health and happiness of mankind.
A charming store of wit and humor of the Munchausen variety is to be
found in the Bible. Here are a thousand and one stories as marvelous
and amusing as are to be found in the whole realm of modern fiction.
Unfortunately those who profess to value this book the most derive
the least benefit from it. They mistake the meaning and purpose of
its writers. They accept as facts its most palpable fictions. Its
most laughable stories are read with the most solemn visages. This
serious method of treating the ridiculous has produced an army of
morose dyspeptics who mistake indigestion for religion, and intolerance
for virtue.
To afford a little relaxation from the duller chapters of this work,
to furnish a few grains of pepsin to aid in the digestion of a Sunday
dinner, a small collection of these funny tales of ancient wits--the
Baron Munchausen writers of old times--is given. He who can read
them without a smile must be either dull of comprehension or without
appreciation of humor.
The First Cutlet.
PRACTICAL JOKE PLAYED UPON A SLEEPY MAN BY HIS FACETIOUS CREATOR.
And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone. I
will make him an help meet for him.... And the Lord God caused a deep
sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept; and he took one of his ribs,
and closed up the flesh instead thereof. And the rib which the Lord
God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man
(Gen. ii, 18, 21, 22).
The Great Freshet.
A STORY CALCULATED TO PARALYZE A KENTUCKY COLONEL.
The same day were all the fountains of the great deep broken up, and
the windows of heaven were opened. And the rain was upon the earth
forty days and forty nights.... And the waters prevailed exceedingly
upon the earth; and all the high hills, that were under the whole
heaven, were covered. Fifteen cubits upward did the waters prevail;
and the mountains were covered (Gen. vii, 11, 12, 19, 20).
Ringstreaked, Speckled, and Spotted.
THE DOCTRINE OF PRENATAL INFLUENCES LAUGHABLY BURLESQUED.
And Jacob took him rods of green poplar, and of the hazel and chestnut
tree; and pilled white streaks in them, and made the white appear
which was in the rods. And he set the rods which he had pilled
before the flocks in the gutters in the watering troughs when the
flocks came to drink, that they should conceive when they came to
drink. And the flocks conceived before the rods, and brought forth
cattle ringstreaked, speckled, and spotted (Gen. xxx, 37-39).
The Waters Were Divided.
MOSES TELLS, WITH A WINK, ABOUT THE STRONGEST GALE OF WIND KNOWN
TO HISTORY.
And Moses stretched out his hand over the sea; and the Lord caused
the sea to go back by a strong east wind all that night, and made
the sea dry land, and the waters were divided. And the children of
Israel went into the midst of the sea upon the dry ground; and the
waters were a wall unto them on their right hand, and on their left
(Ex. xiv, 21, 22).
Quails!!!
THE MODERN BIRD HUNTER WILL SAY: "I LOVE A LIAR, BUT THIS ONE SUITS
ME TOO WELL!"
And there went forth a wind from the Lord, and brought quails from
the sea, and let them fall by the camp, as it were a day's journey
on this side, and as it were a day's journey on the other side,
round about the camp, and as it were two cubits high upon the face of
the earth. And the people stood up all that day, and all that night,
and all the next day, and they gathered the quails: he that gathered
least gathered ten homers [over 100 bushels] (Num. xi, 31, 32).
Three Good Snake Stories.
"WINE IS A MOCKER, STRONG DRINK IS RAGING."
And the Lord said unto him [Moses], What is that in thine hand? And
he said, A rod. And he said, Cast it on the ground. And he cast it
on the ground, and it became a serpent; and Moses fled from before
it. And the Lord said unto Moses, Put forth thine hand, and take it
by the tail. And he put forth his hand, and caught it, and it became
a rod in his hand (Ex. iv, 2-4).
And the Lord sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the
people; and much people of Israel died.... And the Lord said unto
Moses, Make thee a fiery serpent, and set it upon a pole: and it shall
come to pass, that every one that is bitten, when he looketh upon
it shall live. And Moses made a serpent of brass, and put it upon
a pole, and it came to pass, that if a serpent had bitten any man,
when he beheld the serpent of brass, he lived (Num. xxi, 6, 8, 9).
And Aaron cast down his rod before Pharaoh, and before his servants,
and it became a serpent. Then Pharaoh also called the wise men and
the sorcerers: now the magicians of Egypt, they also did in like
manner with their enchantments. For they cast down every man his rod
and they became serpents: but Aaron's rod swallowed up their rods
(Ex. vii, 10-12).
More of Aaron's Tricks.
INCLUDING, AMONG OTHERS, ONE VERY LOUSY TRICK.
And he [Aaron] lifted up the rod and smote the waters that were in
the river, in the sight of Pharaoh and in the sight of the servants;
and all the waters that were in the river were turned to blood
(Ex. vii, 20).
And Aaron stretched out his hand over the waters of Egypt; and the
frogs came up and covered the land of Egypt (viii, 6).
Aaron stretched out his hand with his rod and smote the dust of the
earth, and it became lice in man and in beast; all the dust of the
land became lice throughout all the land of Egypt (viii, 17).
The Sun Stood Still.
"IS NOT THIS WRITTEN IN THE BOOK OF JASHER?"
And he [Joshua] said in the sight of Israel, Sun, stand thou still upon
Gibeon; and thou, moon, in the valley of Ajalon. And the sun stood
still, and the moon stayed, until the people had avenged themselves
upon their enemies. Is not this written in the book of Jasher? So
the sun stood still in the midst of heaven, and hasted not to go down
about a whole day (Josh. x, 12, 13).
Samson's Feats.
AS DESCRIBED BY THE HUMORIST WHO WROTE THE BOOK OF JUDGES.
And he [Samson] found a new jawbone of an ass, and put forth his
hand and took it, and slew a thousand men therewith. And Samson said,
With the jawbone of an ass, heaps upon heaps, with the jawbone of an
ass have I slain a thousand men (Judges xv, 15, 16).
And Samson went and caught three hundred foxes, and took firebrands,
and turned tail to tail, and put a firebrand in the midst between two
tails. And when he had set the brands on fire, he let them go into the
standing corn of the Philistines and burnt up both the shocks, and also
the standing corn, with the vineyards and olives (Judges xv, 4, 5).
The Loquacious Ass.
REMARKS OF A QUADRUPED THAT STOOD ON HER RECORD.
And Balaam rose up in the morning, and saddled his ass, and went with
the princes of Moab.... And when the ass saw the angel of the Lord,
she fell down under Balaam: and Balaam's anger was kindled, and he
smote the ass with a staff. And the Lord opened the mouth of the ass,
and she said unto Balaam, What have I done unto thee that thou hast
smitten me these three times? And Balaam said unto the ass, Because
thou hast mocked me: I would there were a sword in mine hand, for now
would I kill thee. And the ass said unto Balaam, Am not I thine ass,
upon which thou hast ridden ever since I was thine unto this day? Was I
ever wont to do so unto thee? And he said, Nay (Num. xxii, 21, 27-30).
A Bear Story.
EDIFYING TALE OF A BALDHEADED MAN, SOME NAUGHTY CHILDREN, AND TWO
BEARS.
And he [Elisha] went up from thence unto Beth-el: and as he was going
up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city,
and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou baldhead; go up, thou
baldhead. And he turned back and looked on them, and cursed them in
the name of the Lord. And there came forth two she-bears out of the
wood, and tare forty and two children of them (2 Kings ii, 23, 24).
The Boy Sneezed.
HOW A PROPHET'S WHISKERS TICKLED A SHAMMING KID AND BROUGHT HIM OUT
OF HIS TRANCE.
And when Elisha was come into the house, behold, the child was dead,
and laid upon his bed. And he went in therefore, and shut the door upon
them twain, and prayed unto the Lord. And he went up and lay upon the
child, and put his mouth upon his mouth, and his eyes upon his eyes,
and his hands upon his hands; and he stretched himself upon the child:
and the flesh of the child waxed warm. Then he returned, and walked
in the house to and fro, and went up, and stretched himself upon him:
and the child sneezed seven times, and the child opened his eyes
(2 Kings, iv, 32-35).
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego.
THREE OF SATAN'S SUBJECT ASTONISH THE OFFICIALS OF NEBUCHADNEZZAR.
These men were bound in their coats, their hosen, and their hats,
and their other garments, and were cast into the midst of the burning
fiery furnace.... And the princes, governors, and captains, and the
king's counselors, being gathered together, saw these men upon whose
bodies the fire had no power, nor was a hair of their head singed,
neither were their coats changed, nor the smell of fire had passed
on them (Dan. iii, 19, 21, 27).
Take Me Up.
A DIVERTING YARN, CALCULATED TO CAUSE MUCH MERRIMENT AMONG THE MARINES.
Then they said unto him [Jonah], What shall we do unto thee that the
sea may be calm unto us? for the sea wrought and was tempestuous. And
he said unto them, Take me up and cast me forth in the sea.... So
they took up Jonah, and cast him forth into the sea; and the sea
ceased from her raging.... Now the Lord had prepared a great fish to
swallow up Jonah. And Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days
and nights.... And the Lord spake unto the fish, and it vomited out
Jonah upon the dry land (Jonah i, 11-17; ii, 10).
The Confiding Husband.
A TIMELY DREAM SAVES THE REPUTATION OF A YOUNG WOMAN.
Now the birth of Jesus Christ was on this wise: When as his mother Mary
was espoused to Joseph, before they came together, she was found with
child of the Holy Ghost. Then Joseph her husband being a just man,
and not wishing to make her a public example, was minded to put her
away privily. But while he thought on these things, behold the angel
of the Lord appeared to him in a dream, saying, Joseph, thou son of
David, fear not to take unto thee Mary thy wife: for that which is
conceived in her is of the Holy Ghost.... Then Joseph being raised
from sleep did as the angel of the Lord had bidden him, and took
unto him his wife; and knew her not till she had brought forth her
first-born son; and he called his name Jesus (Matt. i, 18-25).
They Did Eat and Were Filled.
INTERESTING APPLICATION OF HYPNOTISM BY WHICH A MULTITUDE WERE
CONVINCED THAT THEY HAD DINED.
And they say unto him, We have here but five loaves and two fishes. He
said, Bring them hither to me. And he commanded the multitude to
sit down on the grass and took the five loaves and the two fishes,
and looking up to heaven, he blessed, and brake, and gave the loaves
to his disciples, and the disciples to the multitude. And they did
all eat, and were filled; and they took up the fragments that remained
twelve baskets full. And they that had eaten were about five thousand
men beside women and children (Matt. xiv, 15-21).
Lazarus Come Forth.
JESUS APPRISES THE BROTHER OF MARTHA THAT THE JOKE HAS BEEN CARRIED
FAR ENOUGH.
When Jesus came, he found that he [Lazarus] had lain in the grave four
days already.... Jesus therefore again groaning in himself cometh
to the grave. It was a cave, and a stone lay upon it. Jesus said,
Take ye away the stone. Martha, the sister of him that was dead,
saith unto him, Lord, by this time he stinketh, for he hath been
dead four days.... He [Jesus] cried with a loud voice, Lazarus come
forth. And he that was dead came forth (John xi, 17, 38, 39, 43, 44).
These Bible stories, which Christians profess to believe, are unworthy
of serious consideration. They are not historical, but fabulous. A
miracle is a fable. The miraculous is impossible; the impossible
untrue. If miracles were possible and necessary in that age they are
possible and necessary now. This is an age of unbelief. Give us one
miracle and we will believe. Let Jesus visit earth again and with
his divine touch revivify the inanimate dust of Lincoln and give him
back to the nation that loved him so well, and we will acknowledge
his divinity and believe that the Bible is inspired. Had he restored
to life the decaying corpse of Lazarus the Jews would have believed
in him. The Jews did not believe in him, therefore the miracle was
not performed.
The divine origin of the Bible cannot be established by miracles
because the possibility of a miracle itself cannot be established. In
the language of Hume, "a miracle is a violation of the laws of nature;
and as a firm and unalterable experience has established these laws,
the proof against a miracle, from the very nature of the fact, is as
entire as any argument from experience can possibly be imagined."