Conversation, like a shuttlecock, should not be suffered to remain with one
person, but ought to pass in turn to all. But as few people think for
themselves, so few people talk for themselves, and a colloquial monopoly is
as common and as disagreeable as any other. Yet when we observe how much
these rattles are caressed, 'tis wonderful there are so few. Talent is by
no means indispensable, and is the more valuable in proportion as it is
flimsy or superficial. The great art lies in the choice of a subject. Let
it be some _liaison_ in the _beau monde_--the appearance of a new singer or
actress--the detail of a recent duel, with particulars and embellishments,
and your fortune is made at once. Do not affect any thing like a literary
character, for scholars are reckoned _bores_. The only matters of this sort
with which you can safely meddle are the fashionable novels--satirical
poems--the magazines, and newspapers (eschewing the political articles as
vulgar). It is absolutely necessary to be familiar with the names of all
the editors in town, and these can easily be picked up from any of the
tatterdemalions who prowl about police offices for the purpose of reporting
the trials at a penny per line, which is, in most cases, exactly a penny
per line too much. You must drop the complimentary _Mr._, and say, "A. of
the Chronicle and I--the last time I saw B. of the Globe--C. of the
Spectator told me t'other day," and so on. Of course it is not of the
slightest consequence whether you ever saw one of the parties. You must
also affect to be intimate with the theatrical _lions_, and be aware of the
true state of all managerial squabbles for the season. Swear you have dined
a dozen times with Sontag. _En passant_, the idea of a singer's patronizing
a nation _wholesale_, as she has done in the case of the Silesians, is
rather too good. Be indignant with Price for forfeiting Ellen Tree three
several times in the sum of thirty pounds, and suppress the fact of his
having remitted the penalty in the two first instances. Assume a mysterious
air of "I could if I would," when Miss Love's elopement is mentioned, and
state with heroic confidence that the Vesuvius scene in "Masaniello" at
Astley's beat Drury by thirteen bricks and two ounces of Greek fire. You
must pretend to know the salaries of all the _employés_ in every
establishment, and be able to describe the plot of every new piece the
moment it is underlined. You can obtain sufficient information to enable
you to pass muster on this subject any evening at the Garrick's Head. It
would be of great service if you could contrive to be seen in conversation
with a respectable actor now and then. You must have seen every sight and
exhibited at every exhibition in town, and be able to discuss their several
merits or demerits with a "learned spirit." A knowledge of the principal
nobility--by person at least--is a _sine qua non_, for how else should you
be able to recount the names of those you saw in the Park on Sunday last?
Keep a list of the ages and portions of as many young ladies as possible,
and be cautious how you dispose of your information on this score. These, I
think, are the principal topics; and the best advice I can give is, "Never
be quiet: speak on _ad infinitum_."
The man who inwardly digests these rules will be a treasure at any dinner
party. The awful silence which prevails on the removal of the
tablecloth--and an awful silence it surely is--will be dispelled. No
ordinary man thinks of speaking, except in monosyllables, till he gets a
little "elevated," and then he speaks nonsense as a matter of course. _You_
must keep sober--for people will occasionally get "mellow," even in good
society--and this you will easily manage to do by thinking of the immense
superiority you will thus secure on joining the ladies in the drawing-room.
You will be able to hand some blushing fair her coffee without pitching cup
and contents into her lap, and stoop to pick up her fan or handkerchief
without incurring the risk of breaking your nose. Should quadrilles be
proposed, you will also be able to avoid those little _dos-à-dos_ accidents
which are by no means agreeable, and be qualified to pronounce, with
tolerable certainty, which is your own partner.
_Sharpe's Magazine._
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