"Never mind our manners!" Georges blurted, standing. "We don't need any
lessons from goat-herding land-thieves!"
The Aga Kaga's face darkened. "You dare to speak thus to me, pig of a
muck-grubber!"
* * * * *
With a muffled curse Georges launched himself at the potentate. The
giant rolled aside. He grunted as the Boyar's fist thumped in his short
ribs; then he chopped down on Georges' neck. The Chef d'Regime slid off
onto the floor as the Aga Kaga bounded to his feet, sending fruit and
silken cushions flying.
"I see it now!" he hissed. "An assassination attempt!" He stretched
his arms, thick as tree-roots--a grizzly in satin robes. "Your heads
will ring together like gongs before I have done with you!" He lunged
for Retief. Retief came to his feet, feinted with his left and planted
a short right against the Aga Kaga's jaw with a solid smack. The
potentate stumbled, grabbed; Retief slipped aside. The Aga Kaga whirled
to face Retief.
"A slippery diplomat, by all the houris in Paradise!" he grated,
breathing hard. "But a fool. True to your medieval code of chivalry,
you attacked singly, a blunder I would never have made. And you shall
die for your idiocy!" He opened his mouth to bellow--
"You sure look foolish, with your fancy hair-do down in your eyes,"
Retief said. "The servants will get a big laugh out of it."
With a choked yell, the Aga Kaga dived for Retief, missed as he leaped
aside. The two went to the mat together and rolled, sending a stool
skittering. Grunts and curses echoed as the two big men strained,
muscles popping. Retief groped for a scissors hold; the Aga Kaga seized
his foot, bit hard. Retief bent nearly double, braced himself and
slammed the potentate against the rug. Dust flew. Then the two were on
their feet, circling.
"Many times have I longed to broil a diplomat over a slow fire," the
Aga Kaga snarled. "Tonight will see it come to pass!"
"I've seen it done often at staff meetings," said Retief. "It seems to
have no permanent effect."
The Aga Kaga reached for Retief, who feinted left, hammered a right
to the chin. The Aga Kaga tottered. Retief measured him, brought up a
haymaker. The potentate slammed to the rug--out cold.
* * * * *
Georges rolled over, sat up. "Let me at the son of a--" he muttered.
"Take over, Georges," Retief said, panting. "Since he's in a mood to
negotiate now, we may as well get something accomplished."
Georges eyed the fallen ruler, who stirred, groaned lugubriously. "I
hope you know what you're doing," Georges said. "But I'm with you in
any case." He straddled the prone body, plucked a curved knife from the
low table and prodded the Aga Kaga's Adam's apple. The monarch opened
his eyes.
"Make one little peep and your windbag will spring a leak," Georges
said. "Very few historical figures have accomplished anything important
after their throats were cut."
"Stanley won't yell," Retief said. "We're not the only ones who're
guilty of cultural idiocy. He'd lose face something awful if he let
his followers see him like this." Retief settled himself on a tufted
ottoman. "Right, Stanley?"
The Aga Kaga snarled.
Retief selected a grape and ate it thoughtfully. "These aren't
bad, Georges. You might consider taking on a few Aga Kagan
vine-growers--purely on a yearly contract basis, of course."
The Aga Kaga groaned, rolling his eyes.
"Well, I believe we're ready to get down to diplomatic proceedings
now," Retief said. "Nothing like dealing in an atmosphere of realistic
good fellowship. First, of course, there's the matter of the presence
of aliens lacking visas." He opened his briefcase, withdrew a heavy
sheet of parchment. "I have the document here, drawn up and ready for
signature. It provides for the prompt deportation of such persons, by
Corps Transport, all expenses to be borne by the Aga Kagan government.
That's agreeable, I assume?" Retief looked expectantly at the purple
face of the prone potentate. The Aga Kaga grunted a strangled grunt.
"Speak up, Stanley," Retief said. "Give him plenty of air, Georges."
"Shall I let some in through the side?"
"Not yet. I'm sure Stanley wants to be agreeable."
The Aga Kaga snarled.
"Maybe just a little then, Georges," Retief said judiciously. Georges
jabbed the knife in far enough to draw a bead of blood. The Aga Kaga
grunted.
"Agreed!" he snorted. "By the beard of the prophet, when I get my hands
on you...."
"Second item: certain fields, fishing grounds, et cetera, have suffered
damage due to the presence of the aforementioned illegal immigrants.
Full compensation will be made by the Aga Kagan government. Agreed?"
* * * * *
The Aga Kaga drew a breath, tensed himself; Georges jabbed with the
knife point. His prisoner relaxed with a groan. "Agreed!" he grated. "A
vile tactic! You enter my tent under the guise of guests, protected by
diplomatic immunity--"
"I had the impression we were herded in here at sword point," said
Retief. "Shall we go on? Now there's the little matter of restitution
for violation of sovereignty, reparations for mental anguish, payment
for damaged fences, roads, drainage canals, communications, et cetera,
et cetera. Shall I read them all?"
"Wait until the news of this outrage is spread abroad!"
"They'd never believe it," Retief said. "History would prove it
impossible. And on mature consideration, I'm sure you won't want it
noised about that you entertained visiting dignitaries flat on your
back."
"What about the pollution of the atmosphere by goats?" Georges put in.
"And don't overlook the muddying of streams, the destruction of timber
for camp fires and--"
"I've covered all that sort of thing under a miscellaneous heading,"
Retief said. "We can fill it in at leisure when we get back."
"Bandits!" the Aga Kaga hissed. "Thieves! Dogs of unreliable
imperialists!"
"It is disillusioning, I know," Retief said. "Still, of such little
surprises is history made. Sign here." He held the parchment out and
offered a pen. "A nice clear signature, please. We wouldn't want any
quibbling about the legality of the treaty, after conducting the
negotiation with such scrupulous regard for the niceties."
"Niceties! Never in history has such an abomination been perpetrated!"
"Oh, treaties are always worked out this way, when it comes right down
to it. We've just accelerated the process a little. Now, if you'll just
sign like a good fellow, we'll be on our way. Georges will have his
work cut out for him, planning how to use all this reparations money."
The Aga Kaga gnashed his teeth: Georges prodded. The Aga Kaga seized
the pen and scrawled his name. Retief signed with a flourish. He tucked
the treaty away in his briefcase, took out another.
"This is just a safe-conduct, to get us out of the door and into the
car," he said. "Probably unnecessary, but it won't hurt to have it, in
case you figure out some way to avoid your obligations as a host."
The Aga Kaga signed the document after another prod from Georges.
"One more paper, and I'll be into the jugular," he said.
* * * * *
"We're all through now," said Retief. "Stanley, we're going to have
to run now. I'm going to strap up your hands and feet a trifle; it
shouldn't take you more than ten minutes or so to get loose, stick a
band-aid on your neck and--"
"My men will cut you down for the rascals you are!"
"By that time, we'll be over the hill," Retief continued. "At full
throttle; we'll be at Government House in an hour, and of course I
won't waste any time transmitting the treaty to Sector HQ. And the same
concern for face that keeps you from yelling for help will insure that
the details of the negotiation remain our secret."
"Treaty! That scrap of paper!"
"I confess the Corps is a little sluggish about taking action at
times," Retief said, whipping a turn of silken cord around the Aga
Kaga's ankles. "But once it's got signatures on a legal treaty, it's
extremely stubborn about all parties adhering to the letter. It can't
afford to be otherwise, as I'm sure you'll understand." He cinched
up the cord, went to work on the hands. The Aga Kaga glared at him
balefully.
"To the Pit with the Corps! The ferocity of my revenge--"
"Don't talk nonsense, Stanley. There are several squadrons of Peace
Enforcers cruising in the Sector just now. I'm sure you're not ready
to make any historical errors by taking them on." Retief finished and
stood.
"Georges, just stuff a scarf in Stanley's mouth. I think he'd prefer
to work quietly until he recovers his dignity." Retief buckled his
briefcase, selected a large grape and looked down at the Aga Kaga.
"Actually, you'll be glad you saw things our way, Stanley," he said.
"You'll get all the credit for the generous settlement. Of course, it
will be a striking precedent for any other negotiations that may become
necessary if you get grabby on other worlds in this region. And if your
advisors want to know why the sudden change of heart, just tell them
you've decided to start from scratch on an unoccupied world. Mention
the virtues of thrift and hard work. I'm confident you can find plenty
of historical examples to support you."
"Thanks for the drink," said Georges. "Drop in on me at Government
House some time and we'll crack another bottle."
"And don't feel bad about your project's going awry," Retief said. "In
the words of the prophet, 'Stolen goods are never sold at a loss.'"
* * * * *
"A remarkable about-face, Retief," Magnan said. "Let this be a lesson
to you. A stern Note of Protest can work wonders."
"A lot depends on the method of delivery," Retief said.
"Nonsense. I knew all along the Aga Kagans were a reasonable and
peace-loving people. One of the advantages of senior rank, of course,
is the opportunity to see the big picture. Why, I was saying only this
morning--"
The desk screen broke into life. The mottled jowls of Under-Secretary
Sternwheeler appeared.
"Magnan! I've just learned of the Flamme affair. Who's responsible?"
"Why, ah ... I suppose that I might be said--"
"This is your work, is it?"
"Well ... Mr. Retief did play the role of messenger."
"Don't pass the buck, Magnan!" the Under-Secretary barked. "What the
devil went on out there?"
"Just a routine Protest Note. Everything is quite in order."
"Bah! Your over-zealousness has cost me dear. I was feeding Flamme
to the Aga Kagans to consolidate our position of moral superiority
for use as a lever in a number of important negotiations. Now they've
backed out! Aga Kaga emerges from the affair wreathed in virtue. You've
destroyed a very pretty finesse in power politics, Mr. Magnan! A year's
work down the drain!"
"But I thought--"
"I doubt that, Mr. Magnan, I doubt that very much!" The
Under-Secretary rang off.
"This is a fine turn of events," Magnan groaned. "Retief, you know very
well Protest Notes are merely intended for the historical record! No
one ever takes them seriously."
"You and the Aga Kaga ought to get together," said Retief. "He's a
great one for citing historical parallels. He's not a bad fellow, as
a matter of fact. I have an invitation from him to visit Kaga and go
mud-pig hunting. He was so impressed by Corps methods that he wants to
be sure we're on his side next time. Why don't you come along?"
"Hmmm. Perhaps I should cultivate him. A few high-level contacts never
do any harm. On the other hand, I understand he lives in a very loose
way, feasting and merrymaking. Frivolous in the extreme. No wife,
you understand, but hordes of lightly clad women about. And in that
connection, the Aga Kagans have some very curious notions as to what
constitutes proper hospitality to a guest."
Retief rose, pulled on the powder blue cloak and black velvet gauntlets
of a Career Minister.
"Don't let it worry you," he said. "You'll have a great time. And as
the Aga Kaga would say, 'Ugliness is the best safeguard of virginity.'"