USELESS REGRETS.
I must have lain long thus. On recovering, I rose more stiff and
more benumbed than ever, and with feeble steps ascended the companion
ladder, and then a cry of despair escaped me.
The sky was clear and sunny, but whether with the light of a rising
or a setting sun, I could not at first determine, morning and evening
on the ocean being so much alike to an unpractised eye. Not a
vestige of land was visible!
Sea and sky were around me; not a sail was in sight, and nothing
living was near, save a few petrels tripping over the water,
alongside of the fatal schooner.
Had I slept all night, and was this the dawn of a new day? Had I
slept all day, and was this the approach of another night? I
devoutly hoped not, as I most dreaded night upon the ocean; but the
gradual sinking of the sun, and the increasing redness of the sky,
ere long informed me that the time was evening. I now knew the west,
and turned my haggard eyes to the south, for there the land and my
home lay; but still the envious wind, though lighter now seemed to
blow _from_ that quarter.
Oh! how deeply and earnestly, by thoughts unuttered, I prayed in my
heart that it would change and blow toward the shore--any shore--or
any part of the coast of England, and bring me so near that I might
have a chance of escape of life and preservation by swimming--by
putting to the test that skill and those powers of activity I had
acquired at Eton, in the waters of the Thames.
The sea was comparatively smooth, but still the empty schooner rolled
and lurched fearfully; the more so, that the fore-and-aft foresail
was hanging so loosely in the brails.
A hundred years seemed to have elapsed since I had heard the dear
voices and seen the loved faces of those I had left at home--of my
father, my mother, of Dot, and of Sybil; while the events of my early
schoolboy days seemed to have occurred but yesterday.
All time was chaos and confusion!
In my sorrow and despair, I never thought, unless with anger, of Jan
van Zeervogel, the poor Dutch skipper, whose interests were so much
involved with the loss or safety of his little schooner, with which
the flood-tide had made so free. I thought only of my own danger,
and my mother's sorrow for the mystery that would overhang my fate.
Now hunger assailed me, creating a new terror lest I should perish by
want of food; and all I had read or heard of wrecks, rafts, and
castaways crowded on my memory, to aggravate the real perils which
surrounded me.
Once more I sought the cabin, and on finding an axe broke open what
appeared to be a press or locker. Therein were several cups,
bottles, and drinking glasses, placed in perforated shelves; but
nothing eatable save a single hard and mouldy biscuit, which the rats
abandoned on my approach, and nothing drinkable save the remains of
the brandy in which the peaches had been preserved--and I viewed the
jar with horror, as the primary cause of all my sufferings and
dangers;--I say the remains, for it had fallen from the table and
been broken to pieces; so nothing remained of its contents, except
about a gill in a fragment, and the peaches which lay in the lee or
lower side of the cabin.
What would I not have given for a single drop of pure cold water, to
alleviate that choking thirst which is ever the sequel to sickness,
excitement, and sorrow! But there was not a drop on board, as the
scuttle-butt had broken its lashings, in one of the lurches of the
schooner, and fallen overboard to leeward. So I soaked the mouldy
biscuit in the brandy, ate it, and went on deck, in time to see the
sun set at the watery horizon, from whence he cast a long and
tremulous line of yellow splendor along the dancing waves, to where
the schooner floated in her loneliness.
Night followed, and one by one the stars appeared in the mighty blue
dome overhead; there was no moon as yet, and I thought of hoisting a
light at the mainmast head, but where were a lantern and matches to
be found?
I thought also of lifting the fore-hatch, to explore the fore-part of
the schooner, but I felt too feeble and sick at heart; and now with
the gloom of night the ghost-story of the Dutch skipper recurred to
me.
Thirst was now becoming an agony, and I inhaled the dewy atmosphere
in vain, for its property was saline, and seemed to make my
sufferings greater; but happily it induced a drowsiness. I crept
below, and seeking the bed in the captain's berth, drew the clothes
over me and strove to sleep--and so weary was I, that sleep came.
I had now been two nights and a day on board this fatal craft. My
parents and my sisters--what would their thoughts, their fears, their
sorrow be!
In my sleep their voices came to my ear, and I felt my mother's kiss
upon my cheek so palpably, that I started and nearly awoke.
Then old Eton came before me, with its sombre brick quadrangles, its
bronze statue of King Henry the Sixth; the ancient college, with its
rich buttresses and carved pinnacles, and the great window, past
which the Thames sweeps on to London, between its green and lovely
banks.
The old monastic hall, and then the Playing Fields in all their sunny
greenness, shaded by their solemn old elm trees, recurred to me; then
the seclusion of the library where I had spent many an hour; then
came the voices of my old companions at cricket, or shouting as they
urged their trim-built skiffs, with the murmur of the river, the
familiar toll of the chapel bell, and the voices of the choristers,
all mingling in my dreaming ear, as with a "drowsy hum."
Anon I seemed to hear the merry English chime of bells ringing in the
old square tower of Erlesmere Rectory; but they sunk amid the hiss
and gurgle of the bitter surf and the moan of the midnight sea.
Now, I thought how rapturously I could have clasped my dear mother's
neck! How gladly I would have obeyed my poor father and gone
wherever he wished me--even to my uncle's dingy counting-house in the
City, there to spend the remainder of my existence, if fate so willed
it, on a tripod stool, chin-deep among red-edged ledgers, invoices,
telegrams, and dockets of papers.
I endeavored to remember all my parents had taught me in their
prayers and precepts, and how often I had been reminded by the good
old Rector that without the knowledge of Heaven not even a sparrow
could fall to the ground; and I thought that surely I must be worth a
whole army of sparrows.
From these dreams and ideas--I must have been half awake--I was
roused by a violent lurch of the schooner.
On reaching the deck, I found that a gale had again come on, and that
the sea was whitened with foam, amid which the sea-birds were blown
wildly hither and thither; that the moon was now on the wane, and
shed a cold, weird light between the black masses of flying scud,
upon the tumbling billows and the empty schooner, which yet floated
buoyantly enough. But she now careened fearfully to port. I foresaw
that unless the masts were cut away, a capsize was inevitable, for
the wild wind howled over the waste of seething water, and the
schooner groaned and trembled as wave after wave thundered on her
empty and resounding hull.
Notwithstanding my weakness, I endeavored to tighten the brailing of
the fore and aft foresail; but how vain was the attempt! The moment
I removed the rope from the belaying pin, it was torn from my hand;
the whole sail fell heavily loose, and swelled out upon the wind. It
flapped with a sound like thunder in the blast, and in a moment, the
deck seemed to pass from under my feet, and I was struggling alone in
the midnight sea.
To the horror of being drowned was now added that of being devoured
by the fishes.
A cry to heaven escaped me, as I rose panting and almost breathless,
and struck out to prolong existence. The sea repelled and buoyed me
up, for it is by no means so easy to sink as many persons imagine.
The schooner, was lying now completely on her beam ends to port; her
masts and half her deck, were in the water. It had filled the belly
of the loosened sail, and served to keep her steady; but still the
waves washed wildly over the hull. I knew she must soon fill and go
down; yet so strong is the instinct of self-preservation, that I soon
reached the foremast, climbed into the now horizontal rigging, and
seated myself on the row of dead-eyes, through which the shrouds are
rove, clutching them with wild tenacity, while drenched, cold, and
despairing.
The spray flew over me, thick as rain, but bitter, heavy, and
blinding.
How long I could have survived, I know not; but I felt as one in a
dreadful dream, and acted with the decision and firmness with which
we often seem to acquit ourselves amid the most fantastic situations
created by the fancy in sleep.
Suddenly, amid the stupor that was coming over me, I heard a voice
and saw a large brig looming between me and the pale waning moon.
She was close by, with her courses, topsails, jib, and fore-and-aft
mainsail set, but with her foreyard laid to the wind as she lay to.
Then I heard the rattle of the blocks and tackle, as a boat descended
from the stem davits with a splash into the sea.
"Cheerily, now, my lads, give way!" cried the voice I had heard
before; "pull to windward round this craft, and overhaul her."
"There's a man in the fore-rigging!" cried another.
"Then stand by in the bow with the boat-hook."
I strove to speak, to shout; but my voice was gone.
"Spring into the sea," cried a voice; "do you hear me, you sir--you
in the fore-rigging there? Jump in; we cannot sheer alongside a
craft that pitches about like a cork in such a sea as this."
"Don't fear, my lad," cried others; "we'll pick you up."
But I was powerless, blinded by spray; and though unable to respond,
clutched the rattlins with fatuous energy. Then strong hands were
laid upon me, and I felt myself dragged into the boat.
"Shove off, shove off--give way! this craft will sink in a minute,"
cried some one; "give way for the brig!" and just as they turned the
head of the boat toward their vessel, the Dutch schooner appeared to
right herself; there was a crash as her deck burst up, and then a sob
seemed to mingle with the air that was expelled from her hold as she
filled and went down like a stone.
Though I had been so long unseen, I afterwards learned that at this
time there were not less than fifteen sail in sight of the vessel
which picked me up.