[Illustration: _AN INJURED INDIVIDUAL._
_Simkins_ (_who has missed his bird, but peppered_ WILKINS). "THERE,
NOW, I'VE A DOOCED GOOD MIND TO SAY THAT I'LL NEVER COME OUT SHOOTING
WITH YOU AGAIN--YOU'RE ALWAYS GETTING IN THE WAY!"]
[Illustration: _THE MOORS. GRATIFYING--VERY!!_
ON ARRIVING AT THE BEST PART OF YOUR SHOOTING, YOU FIND THOSE AMIABLE
TOURISTS, THE NOBBS'S, HAVE BEEN OVER THE GROUND A GOOD DEAL. AS
THE BIRDS ARE WILD, YOUR SPORT IS NOT MUCH IMPROVED THEREBY. NOBBS,
JUNIOR, MAY BE OBSERVED TAKING IN THE "OBJECTS OF INTEREST" WITH HIS
TELESCOPE.]
[Illustration: _FRIENDLY BADINAGE._
_Cabby._ "NOW, JOHN! WHEN YOU'VE DONE CLEANING THEM KNIVES BEHIND, JUST
CLEAN THAT OLD SPOON ON THE BOX, AND LET'S COME BY!"]
[Illustration: _THE NOBLE SCIENCE._
TOMKINS AND HIS FRIEND (WHO HAVE BEEN THROWN OUT) CONGRATULATE
THEMSELVES ON FALLING IN WITH THE SQUIRE'S SECOND HORSEMAN, WHO IS SURE
TO BRING THEM BY A LINE OF GATES TO THE HOUNDS AGAIN--AND SO HE DOES,
ONLY--THE LAST OF THE GATES IS LOCKED, AND OVER WHICH HE "HOPS LIKE A
BIRD!"]
[Illustration: _THE VERY THING._
_Dealer._ "I THINK I KNOW EXACTLY THE OSS YOU WANT, SIR--ABOUT
FIFTEEN-TWO--GOOD SHOULDER, LIGHT HEAD AND NECK--WELL RIBBED UP--TAIL
WELL SET ON, GOOD FLAT LEGS--PLENTY OF BONE----"
_Gent_ (_delighted_). "YA-AS----"
_Dealer._ "NO SHY ABOUT HIM. A GOOD GOER, HIGH COURAGED, BUT
TEMPERATE--TO CARRY HIS OWN HEAD, NICE MOUTH, AND SWEET TEMPER--FOR
ABOUT FIVE-AND-TWENTY PUND!"
_Gent_ (_in ecstacy_). "THE VERY THING."
_Dealer._ "HAH! THEN DON'T YOU WISH YOU MAY GET IT?"
[GENT _subsides_.
]
[Illustration: _PLEASURES OF SPORT._
THE NEXT BEST THING TO KEEPING YOUR OWN HUNTERS, IS, TO HIRE "MADE
HORSES," THAT THOROUGHLY KNOW THEIR BUSINESS.]
[Illustration: _THE OLD GENTLEMAN HAS HAD A LONG MILE, AND TENDERS THE
LEGAL FARE--SIXPENCE._
_Cabby_ (_with feigned surprise and delight_). "WHAT, _ALL--THIS--AT
ONCE_!!"]
[Illustration: _VERY ATTENTIVE._
_Hard-riding Cornet_ (_to Old Party, who is rather bothered by a
Brook._) "DON'T MOVE, SIR! PRAY DON'T MOVE AND I'LL TAKE YOU OVER WITH
ME"]
[Illustration: _NOTHING TO SPEAK OF!_
_Old Gent._ "PRAY, MY GOOD MAN, WHAT IS THE MATTER?"
_Confused Individual._ "MATTER, SIR! GENLMN'S OSS RUN AWAY WITH A
BROOM, SIR! NIVER SEE ANYTHINK LIKE IT IN ALL MY BORN DAYS! DOWN HE
COMES THE 'ILL WITH THE SHARVES A-DANGLING ALL ABOUT HIS LEGS--KNOCKS
A BUTCHER'S CART INTO A LINENDRAPER'S SHOP--BANGS AGIN A CARRIDGE AND
PAIR, AND SMASHES THE PANEL ALL TO BITS--UPSETS A FEAYTON, AND IF
HE 'ADN'T A-RUN UP AGIN THIS HERE CAB AND DASHED IT RIGHT OVER, AND
STOPPED HISSELF, BLOWED IF I DONT THINK THERE'D A _BIN SOME ACCIDENT_!"]
[Illustration: _THRILLING DOMESTIC INCIDENT._
_Master Alfred._ "DON'T, BABY!--YOU'LL SPOIL IT. LEAVE GO, SIR! HERE,
NURSE! HE'S SWALLOWING MY NEW WATCH!"]
[Illustration: _AFTERNOON TEA._]
[Illustration: _THE FAIR TOXOPHILITES._
_Constance._ "OH, MAMMA! I'M SO DELIGHTED! I HAVE JUST MADE THE BEST
GOLD, AND WON THE BEAUTIFUL BRACELET GIVEN BY CAPTAIN RIFLES."
_Lucy_ (_disappointed_). "WELL, CONSTANCE, I THINK YOU HAD BETTER NOT
SAY MUCH ABOUT IT. YOU KNOW IT WAS A FLUKE! FOR YOU TOLD ME YOU ALWAYS
SHOT WITH YOUR EYES SHUT, AS YOU FEEL SO VERY NERVOUS!"]
[Illustration: _HINT TO GENTLEMEN RIDING HOME AFTER DINNER._
NEVER CARRY "PATENT VESUVIENNES," 2_d._ A BOX, IN YOUR COAT-TAIL
POCKET!]
[Illustration: _MR. BRIGGS, HAVING BECOME AN ADEPT IN THE ART OF
HORSE-TAMING, OPERATES UPON A COLT HE HAS BRED HIMSELF, AND_]
[Illustration: _WITH COMPLETE SUCCESS!_]
[Illustration: _AN UNINVITING PROSPECT._
A FRENCH FRIEND PAYS HIS FIRST VISIT TO ENGLAND, AND IS SHOWN THE GREAT
METROPOLIS. HE IS PROFOUNDLY IMPRESSED BY OUR NOBLE REGENT STREET.]
[Illustration: _THE DEMON OF THE STREET._
THE FRIGHTFUL FIGURE THAT NEARLY TERRIFIED OLD FOGEY AND HIS WIFE OUT
OF THEIR WITS--AND WHICH PROVED, AFTER ALL, TO BE ONLY AN ORDINARY
MORTAL CARRYING ROASTED CHESTNUTS!]
[Illustration: _FOXHUNTING IN A FOG._
_Wild Huntsman_ (_in the distance_). "ALL RIGHT, JACK! COME ALONG! CAN
HEAR 'EM IN THE NEXT FIELD!"]
[Illustration: _IT'S THE EARLY BIRD THAT PICKS UP THE WORM._
_Piscator._ "THERE, THOMAS, YOU NOW SEE THE ADVANTAGE OF EARLY RISING.
I HAVE GOT THE VERY BEST PLACE ON THE WATER, AND I'LL BE BOUND TO SAY
THE OTHER SUBSCRIBERS ARE NOT OUT OF BED YET!"]
[Illustration: _F. M. PUNCH SYMPATHISES WITH THE POOR(!) ITALIAN
ORGAN-GRINDER._
_F. M. P._ "THERE, MY MAN, IT'S A PITY A GREAT HULKING FELLOW LIKE YOU
SHOULD TURN A HANDLE TO MAKE SUCH A NASTY NOISE! HERE'S AN INSTRUMENT
FOR YOU! GO AND PLAY UPON IT IN YOUR OWN COUNTRY!"]
[Illustration: _DELICATE TEST._
_Elevated Party._ "A NEVER THINK A FL'EAR'S HAD T'MUSH WINE S'LONG AS A
WINDSUP-ISH WASH!]"
[_Proceeds to perform that operation with corkscrew._
]
[Illustration: _A WAKE IN THE MINING DISTRICTS._
_J'moimer Ann._ "HAS THEE FOWGHTEN, BILL?"
_Bill._ "NOOAH!"
_J'moimer Ann._ "THEN GET THEE FOWGHTEN, AND COOM WUM. DADDY GOT HIS'N
DONE BY FOWER O'CLOCK!"]
[Illustration: _A BAD TIME FOR JOHN THOMAS._
_Rude Boy._ "I SAY, JACK, AIN'T HE A FINE UN?--D'YE THINK HE'S REAL, OR
ONLY STUFFED?"]
[Illustration: _THE COMING COLLISION._]
[Illustration: _REMARKABLE CASE OF TABLE-TALKING._
_Table_ (_loquitur_). "DON'T YOU BELIEVE HIM, MUM--I'M NOT MAHOGANY,
BUT I'M VENEERED AND SECOND-HAND."
[_Table dances about on its legs for a considerable time, and
vanishes in a blue flame._
]
[Illustration: _THE FOUR-IN-HAND MANIA._
_Hearse Driver_ (_to Swell, who has just started a Team_). "BEG PARDON,
SIR, BUT HEARING AS YOU HAD STARTED FOUR 'OSSES, I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT
WANT A YOUNG MAN AS COULD BRING YOUR COACH UP TO THE DOOR AS IT 'AD
OUGHT TO BE!"]
[Illustration: _TOUCHING._
_Friend._ "----AND WHAT BECOME OF HER?"
_Buss Driver_ (_with emotion_). "WELL!--SHE WAS TOOK AWAY FROM
ME--AND GOT INTO BAD HANDS, YER SEE--AND SOON WENT ALL TO
PIECES.--DEAR! DEAR!--SHE WOS WERRY BEAUTIFUL!--SUCH A SHAPE! AND
SUCH A LOVELY COLOUR! (_Sighing._) HAH! I SHALL NEVER, NEVER,
SEE--SUCH--ANOTHER--BUSS AGIN!"]
[Illustration: _SIX OF ONE AND HALF-A-DOZEN OF THE OTHER._
_Miss Matilda to Miss Priscilla._ "WELL, I'M SURE!--THE CREATURE
NEEDN'T SIT THERE IN THAT DISGUSTING MANNER!"]
[Illustration: _AN EQUESTRIAN DIFFICULTY._
_Mr. Sprat._ "DON'T YOU THINK, MY LOVE, THAT THE GROOM, WHO UNDERSTANDS
THESE THINGS, HAD BETTER PUT YOU UP?"
_Mrs. Sprat_ (_with indignation_). "THE GROOM, MR. S! THE GROOM PUT ME
UP! NO, SIR! PUT ME UP YOURSELF. A PRETTY HUSBAND _YOU_ ARE! GROOM,
INDEED!"]
[Illustration: _THE RACE FOR A BATHING MACHINE._
ALICE FIRST, CLARA SECOND, MISS TODDLES A BAD THIRD; AND THE REST
NOWHERE!]
[Illustration: _RIVER FROLICS._
WHAT CAPITAL FUN IT IS SETTING TRIMMERS FOR JACK, AND ROWING AFTER THEM
UNDER A BURNING SUN!--BUT WHY DOES NOT TOM HAUL UP THE ANCHOR?]
[Illustration: _THE WILL AND THE WAY._
MRS. POTTLES SEES NO REASON WHY SHE SHOULDN'T GO OUT ON THE ROOF OF HER
HOUSE TO SEE THE FIREWORKS.]
[Illustration: _PREJUDICE._
_Boy._ "OH! LOOK 'ERE, BILL! 'ERE'S A BLOATED HARISTOCRAT. THERE'S NO
ONE LOOKING. LET'S PUNCH HIS 'ED!"]
[Illustration: _THE COMET._
_Master Tom._ "I SAY, GRAN'MA, THIS IS A SAD JOB ABOUT THE COMET!"
_Gran'ma._ "GOOD GRACIOUS! WHAT'S THE MATTER?"
_Master Tom._ "WHY, HERE'S A LETTER IN THE PAPER SAYS,--'_The particles
of the tail, if thrown out from the head, having only, as before, the
same rate of orbital motion as the head, and having larger and larger
orbits to describe, the further they are removed from the head, will
necessarily fall further and further behind as they recede from the
comet, and thus form a curve independently of a resisting medium_;' AND
THAT, '_the panic-allaying doctrine of the tenuity of cometic nuclei
cannot be maintained from the mere fact of their translucency_.'"]
[Illustration: _VIVE LE SPORT!_
_English Friend_ (_to Foreigner of distinction_). "THE FOX HAS BROKE,
AND _GONE AWAY_!"
_Foreigner of distinction_ (_who has been galloping about the rides to
his immense satisfaction_). "AHA! HE IS BROKEN, AND _GONE AVAY_! WHAT A
PITY! ZEN I SUPPOSE IT IS ALL OVARE AND WE MUST GO HOME!"]
[Illustration: _TAKING FIRST PLACE._
_Boy from School._ "GATE NAILED, OLD BOY! NEVER MIND! I'LL MAKE A GAP
FOR YOU!"]
[Illustration: _CANDID._
_Cook._ "FINE DAY, MR. CHALKS!"
_Mr. Chalks._ "YES, COOKEY, IT'S A VERY FINE DAY! BUT IF WE HAVEN'T
SOME RAIN SOON, I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE SHALL DO FOR =MILK=!"]
[Illustration: _FORTUNATE FELLOWS._
_Stalwart Briton._ "I TELL YER WHAT, BILL! WE OUGHT TO BE VERY THANKFUL
WE'RE ENGLISHMEN, FOR WHETHER IT'S THE CLIMATE, OR WHETHER IT'S THEIR
HABITS, JUST SEE HOW THOSE AMERICANS ARE DEGENERATING!"]
[Illustration: _NOT A PERSONAL ALLUSION._
_Stout Gent._ "DEAR! DEAR! SO HE HAS FORMED AN ATTACHMENT THAT YOU
DON'T APPROVE OF! AH! WELL, THERE'S ALWAYS SOMETHING. DEPEND UPON IT,
MA'AM, THERE'S A _SKELETON SOMEWHERE IN EVERY HOUSE_!"]
[Illustration: _RETURNING FROM THE DERBY._
"AT LENGTH HE PRESENTED HIMSELF BUT IN SUCH A STATE THAT WE WERE
OBLIGED TO TIE HIM ON THE BOX, AND I HAD TO RIDE HOME."--_Extract from
Letter to particular Friend._]
[Illustration: _AT EPSOM._
_Excited Gentleman._ "THEY'RE OFF!--THEY'RE OFF!"
_Quiet Lady._ "ARE THEY, DEAR? WON'T YOU HAVE SOME PIE?"]
[Illustration: _AN ABSENTEE._
"WHY ARE YOU ON THE CROSSING, JAMES? IS YOUR FATHER ILL?"
"NO. HE'S DROVE MOTHER DOWN TO HASCOT."]
[Illustration: _SELF-EXAMINATION._
_Party_ (_slightly influenced_). "QUESHION ISH! AM I FIT TO GO
INTODRAWINGROOM? LETSH SHEE!--I CAN SHAY GLORIUSH CONSHYSHUSN!--HAVE
SEEN BRISH INSHYCHUSION--ALL THAT SORTOTHING--THATLEDO--HERE GOSH!"]
[Illustration: _THE MOUSTACHE MOVEMENT._
_Old Mr. What's-his-name._ "EGAD, I DON'T WONDER AT MOUSTACHES
COMING INTO FASHION, FOR--EH! WHAT! BY JOVE, IT DOES IMPROVE ONE'S
APPEARANCE!"]
[Illustration: _DEER-STALKING MADE EASY. A HINT TO LUSTY SPORTSMEN._]
[Illustration: _A FACT FROM THE NURSERY._
_Nurse._ "MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS, MISS CHARLOTTE, YOU MUSTN'T PLAY WITH
THOSE SCISSORS!"
_Miss Charlotte._ "I'M NOT PLAYING WITH 'EM, NURSE DEAR--I'M CUTTING
'ITTLE BRUDDER'S NAILS!"]
[Illustration: _RETIREMENT._]
[Illustration: _GRAND CHARGE OF PERAMBULATORS, AND DEFEAT OF THE
SWELLS._]
[Illustration: _A SUBURBAN DELIGHT._
_Dark Party_ (_with a ticket-of-leave, of course_). "AX YER PARDON,
SIR!--BUT IF YOU WAS A-GOING DOWN THIS DARK LANE, P'RAPS YOU'D ALLOW ME
AND THIS HERE YOUNG MAN TO GO ALONG WITH YER--'COS YER SEE THERE AIN'T
NO PERLICE ABOUT--AND WE'RE SO PRECIOUS FEARED O' BEIN' =GAROTTED=!"]
[Illustration: _TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING._
AS, FOR EXAMPLE, WHEN YOU GET THE ASPARAGUS SHOT OVER YOUR FAVOURITE
DRESS COAT WITH THE SILK FACINGS.]
[Illustration: _GOING TO THE BALL--THE FINISHING TOUCH._]
[Illustration: _"PERFORMERS," AFTER A RESPECTABLE FUNERAL._]
[Illustration: _THE BRITISH JURYMAN PREPARING FOR THE WORST._
_Wife of his Bussum._ "THERE, MY LOVE, I THINK WITH WHAT YOU'VE HAD,
AND THIS BOX OF CONCENTRATED LUNCHEON, YOU MAY HOLD OUT AGAINST ANY OF
'EM!"]
[Illustration: _A DISTRESSED AGRICULTURIST._
_Landlord._ "WELL, MR. SPRINGWHEAT, ACCORDING TO THE PAPERS, THERE
SEEMS TO BE A PROBABILITY OF A CESSATION OF HOSTILITIES."
_Tenant_ (_who strongly approves of War prices_). "GOODNESS GRACIOUS!
WHY, YOU DON'T MEAN TO SAY THAT THERE'S ANY =DANGER OF PEACE=!"]
[Illustration: _SOMETHING LIKE A HORSE-TAMER._
_Stout Party_ (_who weighs about ten sacks of flour and a cartload
of bricks_). "REALLY, NOW, AND SO YOU HAVE BEEN INITIATED, AND IT'S
ALL RIGHT, EH? WELL, I CERTAINLY MUST TAKE SOME LESSONS, AND BECOME A
HORSE-TAMER MYSELF!"]
[Illustration: _SPACIOUS ACCOMMODATION._
"THE WERRY FIRST THING AS EVER I DOES WHEN I GOES TO THE CHRISTIAL
PALIS, IS GIT A CHEER!"]
[Illustration: _EASIER SAID THAN DONE._
_Master of the House._ "OH, FRED, MY BOY--WHEN DINNER IS READY, YOU
TAKE MRS. FURBELOW DOWNSTAIRS!"]
[Illustration: _A DOUBLE GAME._
GREAT CHESS MATCH (UPON THE MORPHY SYSTEM) BETWEEN MR. AND MRS.
CASTLETOP AGAINST THEIR DAUGHTER BLANCHE AND HER INTENDED, YOUNG
CHARLEY ROOKTON.]
[Illustration: _THE CIVIL CABMAN._
_Cabby_ (_to Old Party, who has been to the Crystal Palace_). "WANT
A CAB, SIR!--SORRY I'M ENGAGED, SIR!--WERRY 'APPY TO TAKE YOU =NEXT
WEEK=!"]
[Illustration: _THANK GOODNESS! FLY-FISHING HAS BEGUN!_
_Miller._ "DON'T THEY, REALLY! PERHAPS THEY'LL RISE BETTER TOWARDS THE
COOL OF THE EVENING. THEY MOSTLY DO!"]
[Illustration: _A CAVALIER._
_Adolphus._ "NOW, GIRLS!--IF YOU'RE GAME FOR A RIDE ON THE SANDS--I'M
YOUR MAN."]
[Illustration: _WET DAY AT THE SEA-SIDE._
PARTY IN THE TABLEAU THINKS, THAT PERHAPS STROPPING HIS RAZORS MIGHT
AMUSE HIM.]
[Illustration: _SCIENCE STUDENTS._
SO FOND OF ASTRONOMY, THAT THEY ARE ALWAYS ON THE BALCONY, LOOKING FOR
THE COMET!]
[Illustration: _A SPECIMEN OF PLUCK._
_Ruggles._ "HOLD HARD, MASTER GEORGE. IT'S TOO WIDE, AND UNCOMMON DEEP!"
_Master George._ "ALL RIGHT, RUGGLES! WE CAN BOTH _SWIM_!"]
[Illustration: _A FACT._
_Short-sighted Officer._ "SERGEANT! GET THAT MAN'S HAIR CUT
IMMEDIATELY!"]
[Illustration: _MATTER OF OPINION._
_Miss Matilda._ "GO ON, FIDO!--THERE'S ONE GREAT DRAWBACK TO THESE
HATS--THEY MAKE ONE LOOK LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE." (_Ahem!_)]
[Illustration: _OUR LITTLE FRIEND TOM NODDY DETERMINES TO HAVE A DAY'S
HUNTING IN A FRESH COUNTRY._
_T. N._ (_loq._). "WELL NOW, OLD FELLOW, WHAT SORT O' COUNTRY IS IT
WHERE WE ARE GOING TO-MORROW?"
_His Friend._ "OH, BEAUTIFUL!--VERY EASY. BIGGISH BULLFINCHERS WITH A
DITCH ON ONE SIDE. TIMBER OF COURSE, SUCH AS POSTS AND RAILS, AND THAT
SORT OF THING; AND IF WE GO TO MUDBURY, NOTHING BUT RAZOR-BACKED BANKS
AND--WATER!"]
[Illustration: _THE SWIMMERS._
_Georgina._ "NOW, CLARA, THAT'S NOT FAIR--YOU KNOW YOU HAVE ONE FOOT ON
THE GROUND."]
[Illustration: _A MODERN ANTIQUE._]
[Illustration: _FRENCH AS IT IS SPOKEN._
_Scene. Paris, a Table d'Hôte.--Old Lady at Breakfast.--The Garçon has
been ordered to bring some fruit to Old Lady._
_Garçon._ "VOILÀ, MADAME!--_Old Lady_ (_who, in her Daughter's absence,
will let off her French._) "OH! TRES BYANG, TRES BYANG, GARÇON;
BONG! MARECEY, MARECEY, MAIS--THESE ARE CURRANTS--BYANG NAMPORT! CET
EGAL--ONLY--JE N'AIME PAS SO WELL AS GOOSEBERRIES, YOU KNOW!"
[_Instructive rather!_
]
[Illustration: _A GOOD CATCH._