[Illustration: _A SCENE AT A RAILWAY STATION._
_Groom._ "BEG PARDON, SIR,--BUT WOS YOUR NAME TOMKINS?"
_Tomkins._ "YES!"
_Groom._ "IF YOU PLEASE, SIR, MASTER SAYS HE WOS WERRY SORRY AS HE
COULDN'T SEND THE FEEATON--BUT, AS HIS YOUNG 'OSS WANTED EXERCISE, HE
THOUGHT YOU WOULDN'T MIND RIDIN' OF 'IM."
[TOMKINS _bursts into a cold perspiration._
]
[Illustration: _THE UNFITNESS OF THINGS._
_Impudent Boy._ "I SAY, BILL! COME AND SEE THE CONJURING--HERE'S THIS
HERE GAL A GOIN' TO SQUEEZE HERSELF INTO THAT THERE BROOM!"]
[Illustration: _PLEASANT FOR "CHARLES DEAR."_
_Married Sister._ "OH, CHARLES DEAR! NURSE IS NOT VERY WELL, AND AS I
MUST STAY WITH BABY, WOULD YOU TAKE FREDDY AND THE TWO LITTLE ONES FOR
A WALK, ONLY CARRY THEM OVER THE CROSSINGS, THAT'S A DEAR!"]
[Illustration: _TOO MUCH!_
_Party_ (_who hates bad music in the middle of the night_). "WH-A-T!!
THE WAITS! CALLED FOR A CHRISTMAS BOX!--STOP A BIT!!"----
[_The rest is too terrible._
]
[Illustration: _MARRY ON £300 A-YEAR!_
_Passer-by_ (_to the Crossing-Sweeper_). "WHAT'S ALL THIS ABOUT?"
_Sweeper._ "WELL, SIR, I BELIEVE IT'S A KIND OF WEDDING; BUT IT AIN'T
LIKELY TO BE AN 'APPY UNION--ONLY TWO BROUGHAMS AND A HACK CAB!"]
[Illustration: _AN OBJECT OF SINCERE PITY._]
[Illustration: _OFFENDED DIGNITY._
_Small Swell_ (_who has just finished a Quadrille_). "H'M, THANK
GOODNESS, THAT'S OVER! DON'T GIVE ME YOUR BREAD-AND-BUTTER MISSES
TO DANCE WITH. I LIKE YOUR GROWN WOMEN OF THE WORLD!"--(_N.B. The
bread-and-butter Miss has asked him how old he was, and when he went
back to School._)]
[Illustration: _VERY LARGE NOTIONS._
_Man of the World._ "WHAT RUBBISH ALL THIS IS ABOUT MARRYING ON £300
A-YEAR! WHY, IT AIN'T ENOUGH TO BUY A FELLAH CIGARS!"]
[Illustration: _AN UNWELCOME VISITOR._
TALK OF A MAD DOG, INDEED!--WHAT'S THAT TO A WET ISLE OF SKYE TERRIER
UNDER THE BREAKFAST TABLE ON A HUNTING MORNING, AMONGST THE NICE CLEAN
TOPS AND BUCKSKINS?
[_A Favourite Lawn Meet--and not a moment to spare._
]
[Illustration: _JUVENILE WISDOM._
_Florence._ "----AND HOW OLD IS YOUR PONY, FRED?"
_Fred._ "WELL, I DON'T KNOW, EXACTLY--BUT ROBERT THINKS HE IS ABOUT
FOURTEEN YEARS!"
_Florence._ "OH!--THEN I SUPPOSE HE WILL VERY SOON BE A HORSE!"]
[Illustration: _SNOWED UP._
POOR FELLOWS! THEY CAN'T GET ANY HUNTING, AND ARE OBLIGED TO PLAY AT
SCRATCH CRADLE WITH THEIR COUSINS.]
[Illustration: _A WEIGHTY MATTER._
_Frederic_ (_a very big boy_). "THAT'S A NICEISH PONY OF YOURS,
CHARLEY.--BY THE BYE, HOW HEAVY ARE YOU?"
_Charley._ "WELL, WITHIN A POUND OF THREE STONE, I'M SORRY TO SAY."
_Frederic._ "OH, I CALL THAT A NICE WEIGHT. NOW, I'M OBLIGED TO HAVE
VERY EXPENSIVE PONIES, FOR, WITH SADDLE AND BRIDLE, I DON'T RIDE LESS
THAN FOUR STONE TWO!"]
[Illustration: _A GOOD LIVER._
_Frank._ "I SAY, GRANDPA! HAVEN'T YOU GOT SOME CHAPS COMING TO GRUB
WITH YOU TO-DAY?"
_Grandpa._ "EH! WHAT? SOME GENTLEMEN ARE COMING TO DINE WITH ME TO-DAY,
SIR, IF THAT'S WHAT YOU MEAN!"
_Frank._ "HAH! SAME THING! WELL, LOOK HERE! YOUR COOK ISN'T A GREAT
HAND AT A SALAD--NOW THAT'S A THING I FLATTER MYSELF I UNDERSTAND
BETTER THAN MOST MEN--SO, IF YOU LIKE, I'LL MIX YOU ONE!"]
[Illustration: _THE OLD FOXHUNTER._
_Flora._ "WELL, RONALD! AND HOW DO YOU LIKE ROTTEN ROW?"
_Ronald._ "OH, PRETTY WELL; BUT IT'S RATHER SLOW WORK TO A MAN WHO HAS
BEEN ACCUSTOMED TO GO ACROSS COUNTRY AS I HAVE ALL MY LIFE!"]
[Illustration: _MELANCHOLY._
_Lord Eustace_ (_a young Nobleman in love_). "TELL ME, THOMPSON, ARE
THOSE THE BIRDS?"
_Thompson_ (_his confidential Servant_). "YES, MY LORD."
_Eust._ "THEY ARE YOUNG?"
_Thomp._ "THEY ARE, MY LORD."
_Eust._ "AND THE WINE?"
_Thomp._ "LAFITTE--44, MY LORD."
_Eust._ "YOU HAVE DRAWN THE CURTAINS?"
_Thomp._ "EVEN SO, MY LORD."
_Eust._ "AND YOU HAVE PLACED SOME COALS UPON THE FIRE?"
_Thomp._ "MY LORD, THIS MOMENT I HAVE DONE SO."
_Eust._ "THEN--THEN--LEAVE ME!!"
[_And his Lordship pegs away at the Birds, drinks a Bottle of Claret,
and feels all the better._
]
[Illustration: _OUT OF THE FASHION._
"WHY, FWED!--WHAWT'S THE MATTER WITH YOUR LEGS?"
"WHY, YOU SEE, PEG-TOP TROUSERS ARE GETTING SO COMMON, I'M GOING TO
GIVE NATURE A CHANCE!"]
[Illustration: _REMARKABLE OCCURRENCE._
ON THE MORNING AFTER THE DISPENSARY BALL, AS EMILY DEUXTEMPS AND CLARA
POLKINGTON WERE SITTING IN THE PLANTATION, WHO SHOULD COME TO THE VERY
SPOT BUT CAPTAIN FASTMAN AND YOUNG REGINALD FIPPS!]
[Illustration: "_BLESS YOU! BLESS YOU!_"]
[Illustration: _WHO WILL SERVE THE COUNTRY?_
_Recruiting Sergeant._ "NOW, BRAVE BOYS, WITH THOSE WHISKERS AND
SHOULDERS, YOU SHOULD BE WITH US, AND--I'M SURE THE LADIES WOULD EXCUSE
YOU!"]
[Illustration: _WE'LL SERVE THE SHOP!_]
[Illustration: _SERVANTGALISM_;]