"No amount of War Office approval will make hens lay," says _The
Weekly Dispatch_. These continuous efforts to shake our confidence in
the men entrusted with the conduct of the War can only be regarded as
deplorable.
***
A workman in a Northern shell factory has been fined five pounds for
having his trousers fastened on with iron nails. Why he abandoned
the usual North Country method of having them riveted on him was not
explained.
***
Charlie Chaplin, says a message from Chicago, has not joined the U.S.
Army. He excuses himself on the ground that Mr. Pemberton-Billing, who
is much funnier, is not in khaki.
***
A woman told the Lambeth magistrate that her husband had not spoken
to her for six weeks. It is a great tribute to the humanity of our
magistrates that the poorer people should go to them with their joys
as well as their sorrows.
***
Cruises on the Thames and Medway estuaries will only be permitted
on condition that the owners of pleasure craft agree to increase the
nation's food supply by catching fish. Merely feeding them will not
do.
***
A man who was seen carrying a grandfather clock through the streets
of Willesden has been arrested. It seems to be safer, as well as more
convenient, to carry a wrist-watch.
***
Newhaven, it is stated, is suffering from a plague of butterflies. All
attempts to persuade them to move on to the Métropole at Brighton have
so far been successfully resisted.
***
Table-napkins have been forbidden in Berlin and special ear-protectors
for use at meal-times are said to be enjoying a brisk sale.
***
When the fourteen-year-old son of German parents was charged in a
London Court with striking his mother with a boot, the mother admitted
that she had cut the boy's face because he had called her by an
opprobrious German name. On the advice of the magistrate the family
have decided to discontinue their subscription to the half-penny
press.
***
"I should like to give you a good licking, but the law won't allow
me," said Mr. Bankes, K.C., the new magistrate for West London,
in fining a lad for cruelty to a horse. The discovery that even
magistrates have to forgo their simple pleasures in these times made
a profound impression upon the boy.
***
Herr Erzberger has expressed a desire for "half an hour with Mr.
Lloyd George" to settle the War. In view of the heavy demands upon
the Premier's time it is suggested in Parliamentary circles that Major
Archer-Shee should consent to act as his substitute.
***
The idea of giving raid warnings by the discharge of a couple of
Generals has been unfavourably received by the Defence authorities.
***
A German shell which passed through a Church Army Hut was found to
have been stamped with the initials "C.A." in its passage through the
building. The clerk, whose duty it is to attend to matters of this
kind, has been reprimanded for not adding the date.
***
A small boy at Egham, arrested for breaking a bottle on the highway,
said that he did it to puncture motor tyres. If the daily bag included
only one Army motor-car, with nothing better than a Staff-Colonel as
passenger, the entertainment was considered to be well worth the risk.
***
"If I saw the last pheasant I would kill it and eat it," says Lord
Kimberley. Food hog!
***
We hear that, as a result of Herr Michaelis' disclaimer, the Germans
are about to appoint a Commission to find out who (if anybody) is
carrying on the War.
***
Women have reinforced the bell-ringers at Speldhurst, Kent. As no
other explanation is forthcoming, we can only suppose they are doing
it out of malice.
***
A man charged at a London Police Court with being drunk stated that he
had been drinking "Government ale." It appears now that the fellow was
an impostor.
***
Another man who wrote a letter protesting against the weakness of
the official stimulant inadvertently addressed his letter to the
Metropolitan Water Board.
***
A correspondent who has just spent a day in the country hopes the
Commission now dealing with Unrest will not overlook one of its
principal causes--namely wasps.
***
There has been a great falling-off in the number of visitors to
Stratford-on-Avon, and it is expected that a new and fuller Life
of the Bard will shortly be published.
***
A Surrey soldier, writing from The Garden of Eden, says, "I think
it is a rotten hole, and I don't blame Adam for getting thrown out."
Still it is rather late to plead extenuating circumstances.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _The Bantam._ "AN' I DON'T WANT NONE OF YER NARSTY
LOOKS NEITHER, OR IT'S ME AN' YOU FOR IT."]
* * * * *
"James ---- was remanded at the Thames Police Court on a
charge of stealing nine boxes of Beecham's pills, valued
at £5."--_The Times._
So little? What about those advertisements?
* * * * *
"I was surprised to hear of Baron Heyking's dismissal from
his post of Russian Consul-General in London. I had only been
talking to him the day before--and then came his dismissal by
telegram!"--_"Candide," in "The Sunday Pictorial."_
Some of our journalists have a lot to answer for.
* * * * *