In the society of the beautiful Ida, Tom Seddon passed seven days of
rapture. Every morning and evening he was at the mansion of the Widow
Wild, and had eyes and ears for nobody but Ida. The Professor informed
Toney that in their walks homeward by moonlight, Tom was usually as
silent as a man who had a difficult problem in his head for solution,
and that on several occasions, when he had endeavored to engage him in
conversation, he had started from a reverie, and exclaimed, "Indeed,
Miss Ida, what you say is very true."
"He mistook you for Ida?" asked Toney.
"To be sure he did," said the Professor. "Mistook me for a young lady.
Is it not a pretty piece of business for the founder of the sect of
Funny Philosophers to have the imagination of one of his disciples
clothing him in petticoats? Toney, tell me, candidly, do I look like
Ida?"
"Not much, I must confess," said Toney, laughing. "But Ida's image is
impressed on Tom's organ of vision, and when he looks at you the image
aforesaid is dancing in the intervening space."
"And so he mistakes me for the young lady. Tom Seddon is getting to be
really disagreeable," said the Professor. "During the day, when Ida is
not present, he is as absent-minded as was ever old Sir Isaac Newton;
and at night, as we occupy the same room in the hotel, I am annoyed by
his somniloquism."
"What does he say?" asked Toney.
"I cannot comprehend his incoherent mutterings, but sometimes hear 'Ida,
Ida,' articulated with tender emphasis. I do wish that Tom would get out
of Doubting Castle."
"What sort of a place is that?" asked Toney.
"A place in which all young ladies compel their lovers to dwell for a
period, either long or short, according to their whim or caprice. I have
known some maidens, who looked as meek and gentle as the doves that
cooed in the garden of Eden in the days of primeval innocence, exhibit
as much cruelty to their captives as did Old Giant Despair to the poor
Pilgrims who had fallen into his hands. Indeed, I have known some lovers
held in Doubting Castle for years."
"Do you think that Tom's term of imprisonment will be of long duration?"
"I think not. Ida's uncle is opposed to Tom's suit, is he not?"
"Oh, very much. He puts almost insuperable barriers between Tom and Ida.
He sometimes chases Tom out of his house by pretending to have a fit of
canine rabies."
"This opposition on the part of the old Cerberus will be the means of
soon liberating Tom from Doubting Castle."
"How so?"
"As I said on a former occasion, women are like pigs: if you try to head
them off they will give a squeal and bolt by you, and travel the very
road you didn't want them to go. Old Crabstick will soon find this out.
Tom Seddon will not long remain in Doubting Castle."
"Yonder he comes now," said Toney.
"He is out of the Castle,--I know it," said the Professor.
"What makes you think so?"
"Look at how he walks. His head is up. His step is as light as if his
feet were feathers. Yesterday he held his head down, as if he were
calculating the distance to the antipodes, and walked as if he had a
large quantity of lead in the bottom of his boots. I'll bet that he
don't call me Miss Ida after to-day."
Tom Seddon approached them with his face radiant with smiles. He took
Toney by the hand and shook it energetically. He then seized the
Professor by both hands and gave him a violent shaking.
"It is a beautiful day," said Tom.
"It is always so," said the Professor, "after----"
"After what?" asked Tom.
"After the sun comes from behind the clouds," said the Professor.
"Toney, my dear fellow, I want to speak to you," said Tom, taking Toney
by the arm and leading him aside.
"I knew it," muttered the Professor to himself. "The gates of Doubting
Castle are wide open. He is out. How happy he looks! I wonder if it
always makes a man feel so happy? I wish I could find Dora. I'd risk
another negative."
Tom told Toney his secret. He had walked with Ida in the Widow Wild's
garden, and had told the young lady how---- But this ought not to be
repeated. He and Ida had exchanged vows of eternal fidelity, and Miss
Somers had promised to become Mrs. Seddon at some future period not yet
clearly designated. This was a profound secret between Toney and Tom,
and the latter was confident that the Professor did not even guess at
it, as was evident from the very grave manner with which he remarked, as
they came where he stood,--
"Toney, it is about time for me to go home and prepare for the
exhibition. You will be there to-night?"
"Yes, Tom and I will be there, and bring the ladies."
The Professor proceeded to his lodging, while Toney and Tom walked to
the residence of the Widow Wild, and sat on the porch with Rosabel and
Ida.
Joseph Boneskull, the learned phrenologist, was to make a public
examination of heads, and, as a sort of afterpiece, the Professor had
promised to make some experiments in biology. This he did merely as an
amateur, and for the entertainment of his friends. The profits of the
exhibition inured to the benefit of Boneskull.
There was a large crowd gathered in the town hall of Mapleton. Toney
and Tom escorted Ida, Rosabel, and the widow to the exhibition, and
secured for them comfortable seats.
"Who is that little man seated on the platform?" asked Rosabel.
"That is the phrenologist," said Toney.
"What is that thing on the table before him?" asked Rosabel.
"The phrenologist informed me that it was the skull of a distinguished
negro lawyer of Timbuctoo," said Toney.
"It looks like a sheep's head," said the widow.
Boneskull now arose and made a few remarks, tending to show what
important results the science of phrenology was destined to produce;
saying that in the administration of justice the guilt or innocence of
parties accused of crimes could be ascertained with certainty by an
inspection of their craniums; that men could thus know what occupation
or calling they should pursue, and whom they should marry; remarking,
with emphasis, that no gentleman should venture upon matrimony until he
had first made a critical examination of the young lady's head.
"What's that he says?" asked the widow.
"Why, mother, he says that gentlemen should examine young ladies' heads
when they court them," said Rosabel.
"If I were a young lady," said the widow, "I would like to see any man
come pawing about my head."
Tom looked at Ida, and Ida blushed, and Tom was satisfied and willing to
venture on matrimony without an examination of that beautiful head
covered with long and luxuriant tresses.
"What is Mr. Pate going to do?" asked Rosabel, as Pate took a seat on
the platform.
"He has presented himself for examination," said Toney.
The phrenologist carefully manipulated the big bald head before him, and
then exclaimed, with enthusiasm,--
"This gentleman has a most magnificent cranium. His perceptive faculties
are large, and so are the organs of firmness, benevolence, and
conscientiousness; comparison is very large, and causality is immense. I
have never met with a finer development of the reasoning faculties
except on the skull of the distinguished lawyer of Timbuctoo, which now
lies before me on the table. This gentleman would excel in intellectual
pursuits, and might make a great and distinguished judge, the equal of
Mansfield or Marshall."
Pate retired from the platform a proud and happy man, and from that day
became an enthusiastic student of the science of phrenology.
Perch seated himself in the chair which he had vacated.
"This gentleman," said Boneskull, "is better fitted for domestic life.
He would be a devoted lover, and a disappointment in love might drive
him to despair, and even suicide."
Perch hastily retired, for he recollected the bottle of brandy which he
had swallowed in a fit of desperation after his unfortunate interview
with the beautiful Imogen in Colonel Hazlewood's garden. Love and Dove
now seated themselves in two chairs, and were examined by Boneskull, who
said,--
"The organs of these gentlemen correspond in every particular. Each can
sing sweetly, and either could easily win a woman's heart."
"What's that?" exclaimed the widow.
"Listen," said Rosabel.
"They could conquer in affairs of love, and either could drive a woman
to despair; but neither would do so, for in both the organ of
benevolence is immensely developed."
"Did you ever hear such talk?" said the widow. "Dove drive a woman to
despair! Well, I wonder what he is going to say about Ned Botts?" said
she, as that uncomely individual ascended the platform and seated
himself in the chair.
"Perhaps," said Boneskull, with a look of embarrassment, "you might be
offended if I were to say what is revealed by the bumps?"
"Not at all," said Botts. "Speak out."
"The organ of destructiveness is very large. This man might commit----"
"What?" said Botts.
"Murder," said Boneskull.
Botts jumped up and knocked Boneskull down, and kicked him off the
platform.
"Murder! murder! murder!" roared the phrenologist as he rolled on the
floor among the audience.
The ladies shrieked, and two constables rushed forward, and, seizing
Botts, who was swearing vociferously, led him from the room.
"Where is Boneskull?" exclaimed a man in the crowd.
"Here he is under my feet," said another.
The little man was lifted up and placed on the platform.
"Oh, dear," said Rosabel, "he is almost murdered! Look how he is
bleeding."
Boneskull put his handkerchief to his nose, from which a crimson stream
was copiously flowing, and hastily retreated from the room by a back
door.
The Professor followed him out, and soon returned and announced that the
phrenologist was too much disabled to resume his position on the
platform. It was therefore proposed to entertain the audience with some
experiments in biology, and to show them the wonderful effects of a
psychological illusion.
"Let any one who is so disposed," said the Professor, "sit for fifteen
minutes with his eyes closed and his right thumb on his left pulse. At
the end of that time I will commence my experiments."
Several persons immediately put themselves in the required position. The
Professor held his watch in his hand, and at the expiration of the time
named, approached M. T. Pate, who was sitting with his eyes closed and
his thumb on his wrist. "Open your eyes! open your eyes, if you can!"
said the Professor, in an abrupt tone of command. Pate's eyes flew wide
open. "You won't do," said the Professor, and he approached Simon Rump.
"Open your eyes! open your eyes, sir, if you can,"--but Rump's eyes were
as tightly closed as if he had padlocks on the lids, and the Professor
conducted him to the platform. Dove and Bliss were also unable to open
their eyes, and were seated by the side of Simon Rump.
"This is a nice young lady," said the Professor, addressing Dove and
pointing to Rump. "She is in love with you and expects you to court
her."
Dove drew his chair close up to Rump and put his arm around his neck
and kissed him. Rump looked modest and blushed deeply.
"Will you allow that?" said the Professor. "The young lady is in love
with you and he is kissing her."
Bliss seized Dove and commenced pulling him away. There was quite a
struggle between them, when the Professor sternly cried out,--
"What are you doing there? Quarreling over that ugly black woman?"
Dove and Bliss started back with horror depicted in their countenances.
To each of them Simon Rump had assumed the appearance of a hideous
negress.
"Look out! it is a snake! it will bite you!" said the Professor,
throwing down his cane. Rump, Dove, and Bliss ran around the platform
with cries of terror. "It is a telescope! Pick it up! you can see the
capitol at Washington through it." Rump put it to his eyes and beheld
the national capitol.
"Stand here," said the Professor to Rump. "Now, whom would you like to
see?--the dead?"
"No, no!" exclaimed Rump.
"The absent?"
"Yes."
"Whom?"
"Susan," said Rump.
"There she is!" said the Professor, pointing to a female form at the far
end of the room. Rump uttered a cry of rapture, and, leaping from the
platform, ran to the female, and threw his arms round her neck, and
kissed her on both cheeks.
"Look at Simon Rump!" said the Widow Wild. "The miserable dog! he is
kissing my cook, who is as black as Beelzebub."
The cook screamed, and fought Simon Rump with her nails; and another
belligerent now appeared in his rear. This was Simon's angel, who had
beheld his conduct with intense indignation, and was now fiercely
assaulting him with her parasol. Two of the cherubs also took part in
the combat, and Rump was driven from the door into the street. The crowd
followed, cheering the angel and the two cherubs. Rump was overpowered,
and turning his back, ignominiously fled, leaving the angel and cherubs
in possession of the field. While men and women stood in the street in
wild excitement, the Professor locked the door of the hall and proceeded
to his lodgings.