"Simon, my love," said Mrs. Rump, as she handed her affectionate spouse
a cup of coffee at breakfast, "what lawyer have you got to speak to the
jury in our great case against the Canal Company?"
"Why, my angel," said Simon, "I have got Mr. Pate, the great lawyer in
Mapleton."
"Is Mr. Pate the bald-headed man who sometimes reads the prayers in
church?" asked the angel.
"He is the man," said Simon.
"He must be a very good man," said the mother of the seven sweet little
cherubs.
"He is," said the lord of the mansion; "and he is also a very learned
man. He has more than a dozen books in his office as big as the Bible,
and he reads in them every day."
"Oh, my!" said Simon's angel. "No wonder he is bald! Reads all those big
books! What a heap he must know!"
"Indeed, he does," said Simon. "And he has promised to make a great
speech against the Canal Company, and get us a power of damages."
"How much?" inquired the angel.
"Thirty thousand dollars--not a cent less."
"Gracious goodness! thirty thousand dollars! We will be as rich as the
Widow Wild almost! Indeed, my love, you must buy a nice new carriage. I
don't like to ride to church on horseback and see the Widow Wild coming
in her carriage."
"And I want a hobby-horse," said one of the male cherubs.
"And I want a nice new doll," said a female cherub.
"Hush, you noisy brats!" said the angel. And she slapped the male cherub
on the side of the face, and in the operation overturned her cup, and
spilt the hot coffee on the female cherub's head. The two cherubs tried
the strength of their lungs; and Simon Rump arose from the table, and,
putting on his hat, opened the door to go forth and talk with his lawyer
about the big case.
The angel followed Simon to the porch and said,--
"Thirty thousand dollars! Oh, my! But how much are you to pay Mr. Pate?"
"One-tenth," said Simon.
"How much is that?" asked the mother of the cherubs.
"Three thousand dollars," said Simon.
"Three thousand dollars! Gracious! That is a heap of money to pay a
lawyer for talking to a jury for an hour."
"But Mr. Pate has to read all those big books. It would take me ten
years to read all those books; and then I would not understand what is
in them," said Simon, scratching his head.
"Three thousand dollars! How much will we have left?"
"Twenty-seven thousand dollars," said Simon.
"Twenty-seven thousand dollars! That is a heap of money! I must have a
brand-new carriage with eagles painted on its sides. I don't like to
ride to church on horseback."
"Before we were married I used to like to see you coming to church on
horseback," said Simon.
The mother of the cherubs bestowed a connubial kiss on Simon, who went
from his gate merrily whistling, as any man might who had an angel and
seven sweet little cherubs dwelling in his domicile, and expected soon
to get twenty-seven thousand dollars from a wealthy corporation.
Toney Belton had been occupied since his return to Mapleton in
preparation for the proper presentation of his case to the jury. His
distinguished adversary had composed a great speech to be delivered on
the occasion. Pate had determined to operate on the feelings and
prejudices of the jury, and thus obtain a verdict for the thirty
thousand dollars which he had confidently promised to his client Simon
Rump.
On the morning of the day on which the jury were to assemble on the
ground, Tom Seddon and the Professor arrived in the cars from Bella
Vista. The jury were conveyed to the ground in an omnibus in charge of
the sheriff. M. T. Pate arrived on Old Whitey, and, dismounting, tied
his steed to a tree, which the animal immediately commenced divesting of
its bark.
The twelve peers deliberately walked over the ground, and having
carefully examined that portion of it through which the canal was to be
constructed, seated themselves on two benches, which had been prepared
for their accommodation, under the shade of a spreading beech. Simon
Rump's counsel was then informed that the jury were ready to hear his
argument.
"Pate is going to make a great speech," said Tom Seddon, as Pate drew
from his pocket a number of papers and laid them on a stump which he
used as a table. "With that black coat and white cravat he looks very
much like the picture of old John Bunyan in the Pilgrim's Progress."
"John Banyan was an eloquent man," said the Professor. "And from the
very profound and extremely solemn look of the advocate now preparing to
address the jury, I expect to listen to eloquence of the highest order.
Be ready with your handkerchief, Mr. Seddon, for or some burst of pathos
may find you wholly unprepared for the flood of tears which you will be
compelled to shed over the wrongs of Simon Rump."
"Hush!" said Tom Seddon, "Pate is wiping the top of his big bald head
with his handkerchief. He is about to begin."
"Mr. Seddon," said the Professor, "must I continually admonish you to
speak reverently of bald heads? Remember the she-bears!"
"Hush!" said Tom,--"listen!"
M. T. Pate spoke as follows:
"Gentlemen of the jury,--No more important case than this ever came
before a jury either of ancient or modern times. An outrage unparalleled
in the whole history of Christian jurisprudence is about to be
perpetrated upon my law-abiding, inoffensive, and patriotic client,
Simon Rump. And by whom? By a powerful, an overgrown, a gigantic
corporation! And, gentlemen, what is a corporation? It is defined by the
great Judge Marshall to be 'an artificial being, invisible, intangible,
and existing only in contemplation of law.' In addition to this, I
assert, that these corporations have neither souls to be saved nor
bodies to be damned. Gentlemen, we read of no such thing in the Bible as
a corporation. I have carefully searched the five books of Moses, from
Genesis to Deuteronomy, and I cannot find that God's chosen patriarchs,
Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, or Noah, ever chartered a single corporation.
Neither do we find that such monopolies were ever tolerated by David or
Solomon, or any of the kings or judges of Israel. And I challenge my
learned brother on the other side to produce from the whole of the New
Testament one single text in favor of corporations. Have I not, then, a
right to assert that these soulless corporations are not sanctioned by
the Christian religion, but are of heathen invention?
"Gentlemen, is it necessary for me to tell you who is the plaintiff in
this cause? Is there an individual now within the sound of my voice who
has not known and loved the name of Rump since the days of his boyhood?
Simon now lives upon the very spot where he was born, and where the
bones of his ancestors are buried. Few men can boast of so glorious a
lineage. His forefathers fought against the Frenchmen, the Indians, and
the British; and had Simon lived in those days, he would have fought as
valiantly as they did; for he is a worthy descendant of illustrious
sires.
"Gentlemen, if you have tears to shed, prepare to shed them now. A few
weeks ago a worthy farmer of your county, upon a bright, warm summer's
day, was seated by his own cheerful fire, with his venerable wife and
innocent little ones playing around him. There he sat with his head
proudly erect, for he knew that no mortal man could take from him one
foot of that sacred soil without his own free consent. But what it was
out of the power of mortal man to do he learned could be done by a
soulless corporation. Imagine the feelings of Simon Rump then, and
imagine the feelings of Simon Rump now. Imagine the feelings of Simon
Rump's venerable wife then, and imagine the feelings of Simon Rump's
venerable wife now. Imagine the feelings of Simon Rump's innocent
little ones then, and imagine the feelings of Simon Rump's innocent
little ones now.
"But, gentlemen, Simon Rump is not the only man, nor is Mrs. Rump the
only woman, nor are the innocent little Rumps the only children who will
be made to suffer from the outrage of this heathen defendant. A whole
community will be divided in twain. Permit this canal to be dug, and
will not your county be virtually divided as if into two separate
kingdoms? It is to be forty feet wide and six feet deep, and not one
word is said about bridges over it. What will be the consequences? Will
there not be a separation of friends and relatives; and what money can
compensate for that?
"Gentlemen of the jury, in behalf of Simon Rump; in behalf of Simon
Rump's venerable wife; in behalf of Simon Rump's innocent little ones;
in behalf of Simon Rump's friends and Simon Rump's neighbors; and in
behalf of an insulted and outraged community, I appeal to you by your
love of right and your abhorrence of wrong, and by your devotion to your
country, and your pride for your country, to inflict upon this soulless,
tyrannical, and heathen defendant such a tremendous verdict as will ever
hereafter operate as a shield to the weak and a warning to the proud."
"What do you think of that?" said Tom Seddon to the Professor when Pate
had concluded.
"Mr. Seddon, you might live longer than an antediluvian and never hear
such a speech again," said the Professor, with impressive solemnity.
"Toney will find it difficult to make a reply," said Tom.
"Toney looks serious," said the Professor. "He seems to be aware that he
has to surmount huge difficulties, and is going to work with due
deliberation."
"What a grave aspect he has assumed as he now rises before the jury!"
said Tom. "One might suppose that, instead of answering Pate's speech,
he was about to deliver a funeral oration over his dead body."
Toney Belton now spoke as follows:
"Gentlemen of the jury,--While listening with the most profound
attention and admiration to the solemn and powerful appeal just made by
my learned and eloquent brother; and while beholding, at the same time,
the evident wonder thereby created among this large and respectable
assemblage, I was reminded of what is written in the fourth chapter of
the First Book of Kings,--'And there came of all people to hear the
wisdom of Solomon.'
"Gentlemen, I shall not even attempt to reply to all the arguments
advanced to you by my learned brother. I have too much respect for Simon
Rump's venerable wife, and Simon Rump's innocent little ones, and for
the bones of Simon Rump's buried ancestors, to say one word in
disparagement of any of the aforesaid individuals.
"But there are other portions of my brother's argument which I must
notice, for I fear that they were calculated to produce a powerful
effect upon a jury of humane and benevolent men.
"The learned counsel tells us that this county is to be divided into two
separate kingdoms, as distinct from each other as if an impassable gulf
had suddenly opened between them. He informs us that such must be the
inevitable result of the construction of this canal. As he alluded to
the heart-rending scenes about to ensue from this separation, the
description was so graphic that the picture became visible, not only to
the imagination, but almost to the naked eye.
"Behold the canal already dug not less than forty feet wide and six feet
deep! On either side are assembled groups of men, women, and children;
for the locks are about to be opened and the waters to rush in. Tears
are standing in their eyes, and their sighs and lamentations burden the
air. On the east side of the canal is the fond father, and on the west
his favorite son. On the east side of the canal is the anxious mother,
and on the west her prettiest daughter. On the east side of the canal is
the pensive maiden, and on the west her lover 'sighing like a furnace.'
There they stand about to part forever! For the lock has been opened
above, and the water is now rushing into the canal. The moment of
separation is at hand, and they are about to part never to meet again
beneath the skies!
"Instinctively each one of these disconsolates stretches forth the right
hand to take a last embrace of a parent, child, brother, sister,
mistress, or lover! But even this small consolation is denied; for,
behold, the water is already forty feet wide, and nearly six feet deep!
Then there are groans, and moans, and loud lamentations; and tears gush
forth, falling like a summer's shower into the dividing waters. There is
cast from each face one last, long, agonizing look; and those
broken-hearted friends and relatives depart to their respective homes,
to meet no more until they meet in heaven, and to smile no more on
earth.
"But hark! what sudden, horrid shriek is that? It comes from the Rumps!
Oh, mercy dispel
Yon sight that it freezes my spirit to tell!
One of the little Rumps has been left on the other side of the canal!
"Gentlemen of the jury, my feelings so overcome me that I can proceed no
further, and must therefore submit the rights of my heathen client
solely to your Christian mercy."
The effect produced by Tony Belton's speech was extraordinary. Shouts of
laughter burst from the spectators and the jury. Indeed, some of the
latter were so overcome with merriment that they rolled from their
benches upon the grass; the tears streaming from their eyes, and their
whole frames apparently convulsed with laughter.
"Where is Mr. Pate?" cried Simon Rump, when the tumult had, in some
degree, subsided. "Mr. Pate! Mr. Pate! Where is Mr. Pate?"
"Yonder he goes!" said a boy. "Great golly! ain't he riding!"
"Go fetch him back! Go fetch him back!" cried Rump.
"It would take Flying Childers to catch that old white horse!" said one
of Rump's neighbors. "Your lawyer has gone, and you will now have to
make a speech yourself."
"My lawyer has run away! I am ruined! I am ruined!" exclaimed Rump.
"Mount my horse, and ride after your attorney," said the sheriff, his
sides shaking with laughter. "Make haste, Mr. Rump! The jury are waiting
to hear his argument in reply to Mr. Belton."
Simon Rump shook his head in despair. Rendered frantic by the ridicule
of his merciless adversary, his attorney had rushed wildly from the
scene of his discomfiture, mounted his horse, and galloped away, and
poor Rump was left _inops consilii_.
"Mr. Rump," said the sheriff, "the jury have requested me to inform you
that they are ready to hear anything which you have to say. You are
entitled to the closing argument."
"I can't make a speech," said Rump; "and my lawyer has run away."
"Then the case is submitted for the decision of the jury without further
argument," said the sheriff.
Rump mournfully nodded his head in acquiescence. Whereupon the twelve
peers arose from their seats, and walked aside in consultation. They
soon returned, and rendered a verdict for the defendant. Rump had to pay
the costs, which amounted to one hundred dollars. He pulled out his
pocket-book, and handed ninety dollars to the sheriff.
"Ten dollars more," said the sheriff.
"Mr. Pate will pay the other ten dollars," said Simon.
"How so?" asked the sheriff.
"He was to get one-tenth of the money recovered," said Rump.
"Well?"
"As we have lost the case, he should pay one-tenth of the costs."
"That is strictly in accordance with the principles of law applicable to
copartnerships,--is it not, Mr. Seddon?" said the Professor.
"Certainly," said Tom; "profits and losses must be in proportion to the
interest which each partner has in the firm."
The sheriff thought otherwise, and Rump reluctantly paid the whole
amount; saying that he would sue M. T. Pate for the ten dollars paid on
his account. A few days afterwards he actually brought suit before
Justice Johnson, who rendered a judgment against M. T. Pate for ten
dollars and costs.
Simon Rump went home a melancholy man. As he entered his door he was met
by the mother of the cherubs, who threw her arms around his neck and
embraced him with connubial fondness.
"Oh, Simon, my love, I am so glad you have come back! There is a
brand-new carriage in Mapleton now offered for sale. It will just suit
us. Have they paid all the money? How much have you got?"
Simon Rump was silent.
"How much money have you brought home with you?" asked Simon's angel.
"Not one cent," said Simon, sadly. "I went away this morning with one
hundred dollars in my pocket-book, and now it is empty. I had to pay
some money for Mr. Pate."
"But Mr. Pate will pay it back to you out of the three thousand
dollars," said the angel.
"No he won't," said Simon.
"Yes he will," said the angel. "Mr. Pate is a good man. He reads the
prayers in church."
"I'll sue him," said Simon.
"What?"
"I'll sue M. T. Pate for ten dollars," said Simon, savagely.
"Sue your own lawyer?" exclaimed the mother of the cherubs. "Your own
lawyer, who has made a great speech, and gained our case?"
"He didn't gain our case,--he lost it."
"Lost our case?" screamed the angel. "Simon Rump, you don't mean to say
that Pate lost our case?"
"That's just what happened," said Simon Rump.
"Did he make a speech?"
"He made a speech, and then he ran away."
"What made him run away?"
"He got scared," said Simon.
"What did he say in his speech?"
"He talked to the jury about you, and me, and the children."
"What did Pate say about me?"
"He called you venerable."
"What?"
"He called you Simon Rump's venerable wife."
"Me? Me?"
"Yes, you," said Simon. "He called you venerable several times."
"Several times?"
"Yes, four or five times."
"Said so to the jury?"
"Yes."
"What did you do?"
"Nothing."
"Simon Rump, you are a brute!" said the angel.
"But, my duck," said Simon, "I could not----"
"Don't call me your duck! Duck, indeed! Simon Rump, you are a brute! You
have no feeling. What! stand there and hear that bald-headed booby call
me venerable! Well, I'll give Mr. Pate a piece of my mind. Venerable!
venerable!" And the mother of the cherubs rushed from the room in a
state of unangelic excitement, while Simon Rump seated himself in his
big arm-chair and looked doleful and desolate.
On the following morning as M. T. Pate sat on his porch, brooding over
the humiliation of his defeat, a sable son of Africa rode up and handed
him a letter. He opened it and read as follows:
"Mr. M. T. PATE,--Simon has told me that in your speech to the jury
you several times called me venerable. No wonder you lost our case!
for after such a whopper about me it was not likely that a single
man on the jury would believe one word you might say. How dare you
call a decent woman like me venerable? I am not so venerable as you
yourself, with your big head almost bare of hair outside and
altogether bare of brains inside.
"You ran away because you were afraid to look twelve honest men in
the face after what you had said about me. You may have better luck
when you have learned to tell the truth. No more at present.
"ABIGAIL RUMP."
This letter, though mortifying at the time, was afterwards of essential
service to M. T. Pate. He perceived that adjectives suggestive of
personal qualities were often, like edged tools, to be used with extreme
caution, especially in their application to the female sex; and that the
equanimity even of the mother of seven sweet little cherubs might be
seriously disturbed by an indiscreet use of the word venerable.