In compliance with the wishes of his two friends, Toney drew from a
trunk his manuscript, and laying it on a table before him, said, "You
will perceive, gentlemen, that in my first chapter of this biography I
speak of Pate as an eminent personage. This requires a word of
explanation. Pate may not yet be considered as a very eminent man, but
before the completion and publication of the work I am confident that he
will rank among the most distinguished personages of the age; and that
the adjective which I have used will then be recognized as strictly
appropriate."
With these prefatory remarks, Toney proceeded to read as follows:
"We have been baffled in our efforts to obtain satisfactory information
in relation to the birthplace of the eminent personage whose biography
we have undertaken to write. It is known that he was born somewhere in
the South; but whether among the cotton-plantations of the Carolinas or
the tobacco-fields on the borders of the Chesapeake, we have never been
able to ascertain. It is said that the honor of having been the natal
place of the immortal Maeonides was claimed by seven famous cities of
ancient Greece; and it may be that, in future ages, at least seven
States of the South will contend for the great glory of having produced
the illustrious M. T. Pate. It is perhaps fortunate that at the period
of his birth the number of those States did not exceed seven; otherwise
a satisfactory adjustment of the apprehended difficulty would be even
more hopeless than it is at present.
"It is equally out of our power to designate the particular period when
this eminent man entered the world in which he was destined to make so
remarkable a figure. There is a tradition that he was born in the year
of the embargo; and the inability of the administration of that day to
prohibit all kinds of importations, seems to have been a fortunate
circumstance at the very commencement of his career. It is said that he
was a very big baby at his advent, and grew prodigiously, but was
remarkable for his gravity, to such a degree that the wise women who
assembled in frequent consultations around the cradle used to
asseverate, with much emphasis of expression, that he looked as grave as
a judge. One of his parents was pious, and both were respectable; and at
the proper period he was brought to the baptismal font and Christianized
with the usual solemnities. Some difficulty was encountered in the
selection of a name. An elderly maiden lady, a friend of the family, had
predicted that he would be a bishop, and now insisted that he should
have a scriptural name, as most appropriate for one who was destined to
occupy the very highest position in the church. The male head of the
family had been perusing an odd volume of the History of Greece, in
which he was much interested, and was desirous of naming his heir after
one of the heroes of that classic land. These opposite views led to many
warm discussions, which eventually resulted in a judicious compromise,
it being agreed that the wonderful baby should have two names, and that
each party should select one of them. So the good old lady seated
herself, and putting on her spectacles, opened the Bible at the Book of
Daniel where the King of Babylon was put into the pasture-fields. She
was much struck with the passage, and proposed the name of
Nebuchadnezzar, as exceedingly sonorous and quite uncommon. To this a
serious objection was urged by the old gentleman, who sagaciously
remarked that the name was so long that nobody would ever give the boy
the whole of it, and he would be nicknamed Nebby or Neb. This suggestion
had its effect, and the pious old lady proceeded to search the
Scriptures again, and finally selected the name of Matthew, saying that,
in her opinion, he was about the best of all the apostles, although he
had once been a publican, for he was the first one of them who had ever
thought of writing a gospel. So the boy was named Matthew Themistocles,
after an evangelist and a heathen; as if he were destined to combine in
his character the opposite qualities of a saint and a sinner.
"It is believed that even in the cradle this robust and remarkable baby
gave evidence of superior intelligence; and it is much to be regretted
that he had no admiring Boswell at that early period of his existence to
describe his extraordinary doings. But no historian ever makes a record
of the wisdom which proceeds from the mouths of babes and sucklings; and
when we behold the learned and illustrious man swaying mighty masses by
his eloquence, or dignifying and adorning the bench, imagination finds
it difficult to travel back and discover him in the cradle, so puny and
insignificant that the portly old crier of the court could have
enveloped him in his handkerchief, like a bit of bread or cheese, and
stowed him in the capacious pocket of his overcoat.
"When the moon stood still in the valley of Ajalon, the people on the
other side of the hills knew not that a great luminary was in their
immediate neighborhood. But when she got in motion and slowly arose,
until her silvery edges were seen above the surfaces of the surrounding
eminences, the crowds began to collect and watch with absorbing interest
the increasing proportions of the magnificent phenomenon. And when, in
full effulgence, she was over the tops of the trees, all admired her
splendor, and many began to dispute about her apparent size: some saying
that she seemed to them as big as an ordinary platter; others, that she
was equal in dimensions to a fine large cheese; while a few affirmed
that her circumference was as great as that of the wheel of the
war-chariot of Joshua, the son of Nun. Thus has it been with each
intellectual light which has shone on the world; at one time hid in the
vale of obscurity,--in the valley of Ajalon,--then surmounting the
intervening obstacles, the first rays of the rising luminary are seen,
and people begin to talk and admire, until finally it becomes visible in
full-orbed splendor, when a variety of opinions are heard in reference
to its actual magnitude. We once heard an old lawyer, who was _laudator
temporis acti_, assert with savage emphasis that a certain occupant of
the bench was 'a picayune judge,' thus intimating that this splendid
luminary of the law did not seem to him bigger than an insignificant
five-penny bit. But the eyes of old men are weak and watery, and not to
be trusted. Some of the junior members of the legal fraternity said that
he was as large as a dinner plate; others were of opinion that he had
attained the size of an ordinary cheese; while many of the
non-professional multitude loudly asserted that he was fully equal in
magnitude to the hindmost wheel of an omnibus.
"During several years after he had emerged from babyhood, M. T. Pate was
hidden from public observation, and hoed corn in the valley of Ajalon.
Here he laid a permanent foundation for that powerful constitution which
has enabled him to perform the Herculean labors of his later years. His
constant exercise in the open air gave him the extraordinary appetite
which clung to him so faithfully amidst all the misfortunes of life. It
also strengthened his digestion, and enabled him to consume enormous
quantities of food without the slightest inconvenience. It is said that
he was extremely fond of buttermilk, and would loiter around the dairy
on churning days to obtain a supply. When he could not get buttermilk,
he was contented with bonny-clabber and cottage-cheese. Many a sickly
youth in our large cities would be benefited by such a system of diet,
and might become a stout, athletic man, instead of looking like a puny
exotic, soon to wither and fade away. Vigorous constitutions are
necessary to enable men to conquer in the great battle of life; and
nearly every distinguished personage in this country, from George
Washington to Daniel Webster, was born and reared amidst rural scenery.
"Nourished on buttermilk and bonny-clabber, M. T. Pate grew rapidly, and
becoming quite a big boy, began to exercise the privilege of thinking
for himself. His sagacious intuition, even at that early age, enabled
him to perceive that although the cultivation of the soil was an
honorable, useful, and healthful occupation, its tendency to increase
his pecuniary resources was exceedingly doubtful, as there was no
probability that he would ever become the owner of a farm, either by
descent or purchase. So he determined to engage in mercantile pursuits,
as offering greater facilities for the speedy acquisition of wealth.
With this end in view, he went into a store in which crockery was sold;
and here he remained during three entire years, first in the capacity of
shop-boy and afterwards as salesman.
"While thus actively engaged in commerce, his industry was untiring and
his economy almost without a precedent. In those early days of his
eventful career this eminent man was frequently seen on the street
following a customer and carrying articles of crockery-ware which had
been purchased. On one occasion he met with a serious misfortune; for
while walking in the wake of an old gentlewoman, and carrying in his
hand a vessel intended for her sleeping apartment, he inadvertently trod
on an orange-peeling, and was precipitated forward on the pavement with
such force as to break the brittle piece of pottery into atoms and cause
the blood to stream from his nostrils. This was the only occasion on
which he ever received a reprimand from his employer; and he bore the
severe trial with fortitude and resignation.
"For services rendered on various occasions, he frequently received
gratuities from the purchasers at the store; and having resolved to
become rich as rapidly as possible, he procured a little brown jug with
an opening in its side, just wide enough to admit a quarter of a dollar
edgewise. In this treasury he carefully deposited his earnings; and had
it not been for this commendable economy, the world might never have
seen him in the exalted positions which he afterwards occupied; for a
commercial crisis occurring, the store was closed, and, like a ship
struck by a sudden squall, he was thrown on his beam-end. But the solid
contents of the little brown jug afforded him sufficient ballast, and he
thus succeeded in gallantly weathering the storm.
"A great man, struggling with adversity, is a spectacle upon which the
good-natured old gods of Greece and Rome are said to have gazed with
more than ordinary interest. It is impossible to imagine a more sublime
example of patience and perseverance than that exhibited by M. T. Pate
in his early days, when he first broke open his little brown jug and
counted his coppers and quarters. His rigid economy had resulted in a
considerable accumulation of coin, and an accurate enumeration of the
contents of his treasury exhibited the sum of two hundred and sixty-four
dollars and thirty-seven and a half cents, all in specie. With these
resources he determined to begin the battle of life in earnest, and to
become a great man as speedily and as cheaply as possible. The pious old
lady, who had furnished him with one of his names, now urged him to
enter upon a course of theological studies, so that she might soon have
the satisfaction of seeing him in holy orders and on the high road to a
bishopric. But upon inquiry, he ascertained that to become a bishop it
would be necessary for him to understand Hebrew as well as Greek; and he
was apprehensive that before he could master even the rudiments of those
difficult languages the accumulations of his industry and economy would
be entirely exhausted. The good old lady promised him pecuniary
assistance, and thus encouraged he began with the Greek; but his hopes
were soon blasted by a singular misfortune, which deprived the church of
one of its brightest ornaments, and multitudes of sinners of the counsel
and consoling advice of a learned, pious, and venerated pastor. Upon a
bright morning in May, as he sat at an open window, repeating the
letters of Cadmus aloud, his benefactress, who was in the garden below
with a negro servant named Alfred, engaged in horticultural pursuits,
was shocked by hearing certain sounds, which in her ignorance and
simplicity she supposed to be of terrible significance. She rushed into
the house and began to upbraid the astonished student with his base
ingratitude and treachery. In vain did the unfortunate victim of her
lamentable ignorance protest his entire innocence. She had the highest
kind of evidence--that of her own senses--against the plea of not
guilty. Had she not heard him say, and reiterate it again and again,
'Alfred, beat her! d--d her! pelt her?' She would listen to no
explanation, but indignantly ordered him to get out of her house. Her
anger burned perpetually, like the lamp of a vestal virgin, and from
that time forth she would have nothing to say to him. Thus was the
unlucky youth thrown once more upon his beam-end, and was compelled to
abandon all hope of ever becoming a bishop."
Here the reading was interrupted by Tom Seddon, who exclaimed,--
"Toney, you had better leave that out. Nobody will believe that Pate,
who was about to commence his theological studies, would sit on the sill
of the window and swear so profanely at the pious old lady in the
garden----"
Tom was here interrupted by a loud laugh from the Professor.
"You do not see the point," said Toney.
"What is it?" asked Tom.
"Why," said the Professor, "Pate was repeating the first four Greek
letters, Alpha, Beta, Gamma, Delta, and the old woman supposed that he
was swearing."
"Oh, that's it!" said Tom. "I was dull, indeed!"
"But," said the Professor, "I think that I have heard this anecdote
before."
"Undoubtedly you have," said Toney. "Pate is a much older man than you.
He was the unlucky student who met with this sad misfortune. It happened
when you were in your nurse's arms. You heard the anecdote after you
grew up, but never learned until now that the student was M. T. Pate.
But shall I resume my reading?"
"Do so," said the Professor. "I am much interested."
Toney took up the manuscript, and read:
"Having been constrained to give up the gospel, he determined to betake
himself to the study of law, in which a knowledge neither of Hebrew nor
of Greek was necessary. Having labored at Latin for a few weeks, he
entered a law-school, where he continued for some time; the contents of
the little brown jug miraculously holding out like the oil in the
widow's cruse, owing to his great economy. It is not to be supposed that
even this able jurist could without an earnest effort overcome every
obstacle which lies in the path of the student of law. On the contrary,
when he first encountered Coke, he was much discouraged and sometimes
afflicted with fits of despondency. But plucking up courage, he went
vigorously to work, and in six weeks had mastered all the learning of
that great and voluminous author which he believed it possible for any
human intellect ever to comprehend. In performing this Herculean labor
he scratched a considerable quantity of hair from his head; and
continuing this singular practice during the whole course of his
studies, before he had finished the fourth book of Blackstone,
his scalp's
Bald, barren surface shone like the bare Alps."
"In other words, he became a bald Pate," said Tom.
"Mr. Seddon," said the Professor, "you are strangely forgetful of the
admonition to speak reverently when you refer to a depilous cranium.
Now, here you are punning with the most unbecoming levity on a nude
noddle. You had better beware! Although there are no she-bears in this
vicinity to perform their painful duty, you may not escape with
impunity."
"Peccavi," said Tom.
"Absolution is granted;" said the Professor. "Toney, proceed with the
reading."
Toney resumed:
"A celebrated Irish barrister attributed his success in the profession
to the fact that he started without property of any sort save only a
pair of hair-trigger pistols. M. T. Pate carried no carnal weapons. He
had neither hair-trigger pistols nor much hair on his head; but he had a
little learning, which is said to be a dangerous thing. When he was
admitted to practice, the contents of the little brown jug had been
expended; and he started in his profession with a vigorous constitution
and a small volume of legal lore, entitled 'Every Man his own Lawyer.'
"The members of the legal fraternity are indebted to M. T. Pate for an
important discovery immediately subsequent to his admission to the bar.
We are told--
There is a language in each flower
That opens to the eye;
A voiceless but a magic power
Doth in earth's blossoms lie,
and we find that the poet selects as an appropriate symbol of his
delightful occupation 'the dew-sweet eglantine.' The soldier chooses
The deathless laurel as the victor's due.
The young maiden selects the rosebud, and the weeping widow the cypress.
The lover's flower is the myrtle; the player's, the hyacinth; the
pugilist's, the fennel. But there never was a symbol for the legal
profession until the sagacity of M. T. Pate discovered it in the
_arbutus unedo_, or strawberry, which, upon a careful perusal of Flora's
lexicon, he found to be emblematic of perseverance. And as the
gladiators of ancient Rome were accustomed to mingle large quantities of
fennel with their food, because it tended to give them strength and
courage, so did this industrious lawyer never fail, when an opportunity
offered, to devour a great abundance of strawberries; being fully
persuaded that the fruit imparted a wonderful degree of patience and
perseverance. In the spring strawberries and cream were consumed by him
in immense quantities; and at other seasons of the year the preserved
fruit was never absent from his table."
"Mr. Seddon," said the Professor, "pay attention to that. You are a
young lawyer, and I would advise you to have the example of M. T. Pate
ever in contemplation."
"I most certainly will," said Seddon.
"Never turn your back on a bowl of strawberries and cream," said the
Professor.
"Never!" exclaimed Seddon,--"never!"
"Be assured," said the Professor, with much solemnity, "that a sincere
devotion to this delicious little berry will finally bring its reward.
It will enable you to wait with admirable patience for the big case
which is to come and place you prominently before the public. Toney,
excuse this interruption. Read on,--I am becoming deeply interested."
Toney proceeded with the reading as follows:
"We occasionally meet with an instance of the falsification of the old
adage that fools are the recipients of fortune's favors; for this
illustrious man, at the very outset of his professional career, met with
no ordinary good luck. A few days subsequent to his admission to the
bar, the pious old maiden, whose deplorable ignorance of the Greek
alphabet had deprived one profession of an ornament and added it to
another, left these sublunary scenes for her supernal abode in Abraham's
bosom. She had never forgotten nor forgiven the supposed ingratitude of
her former protege. So far from this, she had, on every occasion,
denounced him, with all the vehemence of virtuous indignation, as the
black-hearted instigator of a meditated assault on her person. What,
then, was his astonishment when he found that she had left a will in
which she had bestowed on him all her worldly possessions. This
testamentary document had been executed many years anterior to the
melancholy event which had caused so wide a breach between them. She had
put it carefully away and must have entirely forgotten it; for had her
mind once reverted to the circumstance of its existence, nothing short
of a supermundane interposition could have saved it from the devouring
flames. She left him a beautiful farm, and personal property to a
considerable amount, with the unusual proviso in the will that he should
be a bishop. Some of her relatives seemed disposed, at first, to contend
for the property, on the ground that as he was not a bishop he could not
claim under the will. But this learned jurist cited the legal maxim _lex
non cogit ad impossibilia_, and said that although he was not a bishop
at that particular period, he would endeavor to carry out the intentions
of the testatrix by becoming one as soon as a favorable opportunity
should offer. To manifest his sincerity he immediately became a devout
member of the church, and would sometimes read the service when the
pastor was absent; and this he continued to do even after his secular
duties had got to be exceedingly onerous; being apprehensive of trouble
about his title unless he observed this wise precaution. Thus was this
threatened lawsuit nipped in the bud; and M. T. Pate took peaceable
possession of his beautiful farm, which he soon found was mortgaged
nearly to the extent of its actual value in the market.
"Pecuniary difficulties, like the rowels of a Spanish spur applied to the
flanks of a donkey, impel a man onward in his career. Now, let no one
imagine that we perceive any particular resemblance between this eminent
jurist and an ass; and we hope that none of his numerous and ardent
admirers will be shocked by the simile which we have employed, for it is
not only appropriate in its present connection but it is undoubtedly
classical. The mighty Ajax was compared by Homer to an ass; but it was
only to show what sturdy qualities he possessed, and what an immense
amount of beating he could stubbornly endure. With intentions equally as
innocent, we have likened the eminent M. T. Pate to an ass, merely to
show how stoutly he stood up under the burden he bore, and how he was
impelled to vigorous efforts by the spur of necessity. Had his beautiful
farm been unincumbered, he might have remained in obscurity, up to his
knees in clover, and daily growing fatter and more lazy in the luxuriant
pastures of prosperity. But with the burden of a heavy mortgage on his
back, and the rowels of pecuniary difficulties goring his flanks, he got
briskly into motion, and in his onward career, whether by accident or
otherwise, took the right direction, and finally reached the glorious
goal at which so many are aiming, but which so few will ever attain."
"What glorious goal has Pate reached?" asked the Professor.
"You forget the observations with which I prefaced the reading of the
manuscript," said Toney. "This is only the first chapter of what is
intended to be a very voluminous work. It is true that M. T. Pate has
not yet reached the goal designated, but long before I have written the
concluding portion of his biography I am confident that you will behold
him on the very pinnacle of the temple of fame."
"Toney is a prophet," said Tom. "He truly predicted what has since
happened to the two young ladies and their lovers who have gone to the
Mexican war."
"Poor Claribel!" said Toney. "I sincerely wish that my vaticinations
had not been verified."
"Pooh! pooh!" said the Professor. "Their lovers have taken wing and
flown away, but they will come back little turtle-doves in the spring,
and then, after a little billing and cooing, you will see two pretty
pairs building their nests. And besides, although love is a disease
which is supposed to attack the heart, it is seldom fatal in its
results."
"Is it not?" said Tom.
"Why, no," said the Professor. "Dora jilted me, and am I dead? Ecce
homo! fat and flourishing, and the founder of the sect of Funny
Philosophers."
"I would really like to know the condition of Claribel's health," said
Toney.
"It had much improved when I called and made inquiry this morning," said
Tom. "But I thought that I was about to witness war and bloodshed in the
house."
"How so?" asked Toney.
"Hostilities have broken out between the two doctors," said Tom. "They
were quarreling in the hall when I entered, and left the house shaking
their fists in each other's faces."
"What about?" inquired Toney.
"I was unable to ascertain," said Tom.
"Well, never mind," said the Professor. "Who shall decide when doctors
disagree? Toney, let us hear the concluding portion of your manuscript.
But, by Jove! what's that?"
A loud noise was heard in the street; men shouting and boys hurrahing.
Tom Seddon snatched up his hat, and, followed by Toney and the
Professor, ran from the room.