In the morning Botts, who had been so rudely accosted and so roughly
handled by the landlord in the apartment of the unfortunate Long Green
Boy, was in close and earnest consultation with Wiggins. The question
for solution was whether the landlord was a gentleman, and as such
amenable for the insult offered to Botts by his language and the assault
on his person. The Thirty-nine Articles of the Code of Honor were
carefully consulted, and the question was finally determined in the
affirmative. The social status of the offender being settled, Wiggins
undertook to carry a cartel from Botts to Boniface.
Wiggins found the landlord in his office making out bills and handed him
Botts's invitation to the field of honor.
"What's this?" asked the landlord.
"It is a note from Mr. Botts," said Wiggins. "Be so good as to read it
and then refer me to your friend, so that there may be arrangements
made for a speedy meeting."
The landlord looked over the paper and then picked up a big cudgel,
which leaned against the wall, and advanced towards Wiggins, who began
to retreat.
"Oh, you need not run," said Boniface,--"I am not going to thrash you.
But where is Botts?"
"In his room," said Wiggins.
"I'll break every bone in his body!" said the landlord.
"What?" said Wiggins.
"I'll pound his worthless carcass to a jelly!" And he started toward the
door.
"Hold!" cried Wiggins. "Are you not a gentleman? If not, in behalf of my
principal I now withdraw the challenge."
"Who is your principal?" exclaimed the landlord. "A man who comes into
my house to turn it upside down! Gets into a muss with a monkey as soon
as he arrives! Pretends he wants to fight Captain Bragg and then hides
himself like a white-livered poltroon in the bottom of a well! Amuses
himself by running and racing among the ladies like a naked Caliban and
frightening my female boarders out of their wits! I'll give him
satisfaction,--the ugly brute!"
The landlord began to ascend the stairway, breathing vengeance against
Botts. Wiggins caught him by the tail of his coat and called out, "Hold!
hold! I command the peace!"
"Are you a magistrate?" said the landlord.
"No; but I am a good citizen, and in the name of the law I command the
peace!"
"Let me go!" said the landlord, flourishing his cudgel. "Let me go! If
you tear my coat-tail off, I will----"
Here a number of ladies appeared on the upper landing and opposed a
barrier of beauty between the landlord and Botts, whose ugly visage was
seen in their rear. Several gentlemen were in the corridor at the foot
of the stairway, and among them a fat and funny little fellow, who stood
gazing at the scene with a most comical expression of countenance. The
landlord struggled to get free, but Wiggins held on to the tail of his
coat with the tenacity of a terrier.
"Let me go, I say!" shouted Boniface, shaking his cudgel at Botts.
The ladies screamed and Botts looked amazed. Suddenly a voice was heard
issuing from the mouth of the challenger, exclaiming, "Save me, ladies!
oh, save me! save me!"
"What! begging, you ugly beast!" exclaimed the landlord. "Yes, you had
better beg!"
"Oh, ladies!" exclaimed Botts, in piteous tones. "Don't let him murder
me! I put myself under your protection!"
"Who ever heard the like?" said a gentleman standing at the foot of the
stairway. "The pitiful poltroon! Come away, landlord! You wouldn't beat
a man who has put himself under the protection of the women!"
The ladies gathered round Botts, and vowed that they would protect him.
Botts was amazed at their tender solicitude in his behalf. The landlord
was puzzled. He dropped his cudgel and walked back to his office,
followed by Wiggins, who was intensely disgusted at the poltroonery of
his principal.
"Look here, Wiggins," said Boniface, "I can't thrash a man who begs for
mercy and puts himself under the protection of petticoats, but tell him
to get out of my house. There has been nothing but confusion in it since
he came. Let him be off, and tell him to take that drunken fellow Perch
with him."
Wiggins undertook to convey the message of the landlord to Botts and the
Long Green Boy. Just then Toney and Tom entered, and the former espying
the fat little fellow standing in the corridor, exclaimed, "Why,
Charley! how are you? where did you come from?"
"Toney, my boy, glad to see you! I've just arrived."
"Let me introduce you to my friend Tom Seddon," said Toney. "Tom, this
is Charley Tickle, an old college friend."
Seddon and Tickle shook hands, and looked as if they intended to be most
excellent friends.
"Charley," said Toney, "we have not met since we parted at college.
Where have you been?"
"All over the world, Toney. I have traveled extensively, I can tell you.
I have been a lecturer, a biologist, an artist, and am now a professor.
Mind that you always give me my title when we go into company together."
"Where is your local habitation at present?"
"I am studying phrenology under the learned Professor Boneskull."
"Who is he?"
"A celebrated phrenologist. A few days ago he arrived in your town of
Mapleton, and has there rented a house. You will find him flourishing
when you go back. The room in which he receives visitors will cause you
to open your eyes with wonder and awe."
"Why so?" said Toney.
"When you enter, you will see opposite the door a bust of Socrates, and
on its head is perched a prodigious owl. If I am with you, the owl will
speak to us and say. 'How do you do, gentlemen?--I am glad to see you.'"
"It must be a parrot," said Seddon.
"No, Mr. Seddon, it is an owl. He never speaks except when I am present,
and then he sometimes becomes quite eloquent. There is evidently
something supernatural about the bird, and I have suggested to Boneskull
that it may be a fairy. He has consulted it on several occasions, and
has received most excellent advice."
"No doubt of it," said Toney. "The owl is the bird of wisdom."
"Boneskull has a number of animals, birds, and reptiles stuffed, and
arranged around his room in glass cases. To show you how implicitly the
learned man relies upon what is uttered by the bird of wisdom, I will
relate one or two incidents. One morning I met a young fellow who had a
rat which he had skinned and stuffed, and having ingeniously fastened
bristles to its tail, was persuading people that it was a squirrel. I
told him to take it to Boneskull. When I entered his study, the learned
man was examining this curious specimen, and shaking his head rather
dubiously. But on my entrance, the owl spoke and assured him it was a
genuine squirrel, and of a very rare species; whereupon he purchased it,
and it now forms a part of his collection."
"But how happens it," said Seddon, "that the bird never speaks except
when you are present?"
"Oh, that is easily accounted for," said Tickle. "The bird of wisdom has
a vast deal of discretion. He will not commit himself by any utterance
except in the presence of a reliable witness. In me he has confidence,
and in no other living man. I one day told a man to take a skull, which
he had found, to the phrenologist, and that he would get a good price
for it. When I entered, Boneskull had it in his hand and was carefully
examining it. The owl now spoke, and said that it was the skull of a
distinguished negro lawyer of Timbuctoo, which a missionary had brought
home with him on his return from Africa. Boneskull was delighted with
this information. He purchased the skull, and always has it before him
on his table. It affords him great pleasure to point out its
intellectual developments as indicated by the bumps. He says that an
intellect once resided in that cranium equal to that of Clay, Webster,
or Calhoun, and that its bumps clearly demonstrate that the negro is the
equal of the white man in mental capacity. The vender of this valuable
specimen of craniology afterwards told me that it was the skull of an
idiot who had died in the almshouse; but I did not believe him, for how
could I doubt the veracity and intelligence of the bird of wisdom?"
Here the conversation was interrupted by the appearance of Botts and
Perch, accompanied by Pate and Wiggins, and followed by Scipio,
Hannibal, and Caesar carrying the baggage of the two former gentlemen.
Toney and his friends walked with them to the cars. On the way Wiggins
and Botts got into a warm altercation, and the latter became much
excited as Wiggins upbraided him with having shown the white feather
when menaced by the landlord's cudgel.
"I tell you," exclaimed Botts, "I never uttered a word."
"You did," said Scipio, who was walking behind with a trunk on his
shoulder.
"What's that you say?" shouted Botts, turning round and looking at
Scipio with a most malignant aspect.
"Indeed, Massa Botts," exclaimed Scipio, "I didn't say nothing."
"Botts begged!" said Hannibal. "Yaw! haw! haw!"
"Asked the women to save him from a beating!" said Caesar. "Yaw! haw!
haw!"
Botts stood glaring at the negroes like a ferocious wild beast. His ugly
visage became absolutely frightful. Lifting up his cane, he suddenly
charged on Caesar, who dropped the trunk he was carrying and fled with
precipitation, followed by Scipio and Hannibal. Botts followed the
fugitives, bellowing out oaths and brandishing his cane until they
reached the hotel, when they darted into the basement-story, and hid
themselves in some place of refuge.
The landlord was standing on the veranda of the hotel, and behold Scipio
and his comrades flying before the infuriated Botts. He turned white
with rage and roared out, in a tone of thunder, "Making another muss,
are you? Can't you be off without raising a row with my negroes? I'll
settle with you, now there are no petticoats to protect you." And the
landlord rushed into the house for his cudgel. Botts, having put Scipio,
Hannibal, and Caesar to flight, had glory enough for one day, and without
waiting to encounter another antagonist, hastily returned to his
companions. Pate and Perch were in great agitation, while Toney and Tom
were convulsed with laughter. The Professor stood quietly looking on
with a grave and serious aspect. After relieving himself by the
discharge of a quantity of profanity, Botts was somewhat pacified by
Pate. The trunks were loaded on a wheelbarrow by a sturdy Hibernian, and
conveyed to their place of destination; and Perch and his companion,
bidding their friends an affectionate farewell, entered a car and were
soon wafted away from the beautiful town of Bella Vista.
Pate and Wiggins returned to the hotel, while Toney, Tom, and the
Professor sauntered around until a train of cars stopped, and three
daintily dressed young men got out. These gentlemen all recognized Toney
Belton, and were introduced by him to his friends as Messrs. Love, Dove,
and Bliss.