Captain Bragg, with an appetite rendered voracious by his exercise in
the open air at so early an hour, made a hearty breakfast on an abundant
supply of ham and eggs, which Lord Byron has said is a dish good enough
for an emperor. Having finished his repast, he arose from the table, and
going to his apartment, proceeded to prepare the placard in which he
intended to make known the poltroonery of Botts to the public. When a
man's mind is full of his subject, composition is performed with ease
and rapidity. The words roll off from the end of the pen as naturally as
water flows from a perennial fountain. Bragg's writing instrument
galloped across the paper and soon covered the foolscap with a terrible
denunciation of the unfortunate Botts.
The indignant duelist hurried off to a printing-office, and said to the
proprietor, "I want you to print this immediately."
"Will you be so good as to furnish me with your name?" said the
proprietor.
"Of what consequence is my name to you?" said Bragg. "I want you to
print the advertisement, and here is the money."
"Can't do it," said the proprietor. "Can't put anything in my paper
without the name of the party who furnishes it; advertisement or no
advertisement,--paid for or not,--I can't print it."
"Why not?" said Bragg.
"Because we can't afford to keep a fighting editor in this office; and I
don't want to get into difficulties."
"What difficulties will you get into?" said Bragg.
"Plenty of them. I don't want my head broken with a cudgel, sir."
"Who is going to break your head?" said Bragg.
"There are plenty of people in these parts to do it, sir, and on slight
provocation. Last winter a fellow came into this office just before we
went to press, and left an advertisement which he paid for, saying that
he wanted it to appear in our issue of that day. It was a certificate
that Samuel Crabstick, who is a bald-headed man, had bought a bottle of
Dr. Bamboozle's celebrated hair ointment, and applied it to his bare
scalp, and that in forty-eight hours after the first application a fine
suit of hair had grown all over his head, seven inches in length. Well,
what were the consequences, sir? Why, the whole town was talking and
laughing about this wonderful growth of hair. And next morning old
Crabstick walked into the office, and, after much profanity, assaulted
me with a heavy bludgeon. Had it not been for my devil, who come behind
him and put him _hors de combat_ with the hot poker, he would have
broken my bones, sir. So your advertisement cannot go in my paper unless
you leave your name for reference."
"I don't want it in your paper," said Bragg. "I want it printed like a
hand-bill."
"Oh, that alters the case. You take the responsibility."
"Here! I want these three words,--look, will
you?--BOTTS--POLTROON--COWARD,--printed in your largest letters."
"We have type big enough," said the printer, producing some wooden
blocks about three inches long.
"Those will do," said Bragg. "Now, go to work--quick--hurry!"
In a very brief space of time Bragg had a dozen documents in his
possession, for which he paid the printer and hastened away.
In a few moments after he had left the printing-office, Bragg's tall
form was seen elevated on a stool; and he was in the act of pasting a
hand-bill against the side of the hotel when he was interrupted by the
landlord, who said,--
"Captain Bragg, I do not allow any bills for monkey shows to be pasted
against my house."
"This is no bill for a monkey show," said Bragg.
"Nor advertisements for quack medicines, neither," said the landlord.
"This is no advertisement for quack medicines," said Bragg, with a look
of indignation.
"Well, whatever it be, you can't paste it there. I will not have my
walls plastered over with advertisements."
Bragg scowled at the landlord, and, getting down from the stool with a
profane expression, he went across the street to an apothecary's shop.
Here he was about to put up a placard when he perceived in large letters
on the corner, PASTE NO PILLS HERE; some ingenious urchins having
altered the original B to a P. Bragg was puzzled, and scratched his
head; and, as he did so, an idea entered his cranium, and he understood
that this inscription was a prohibition as imperative as that which he
had just received from the landlord.
Bragg was in a dilemma. He did not know what to do with his documents.
He had made two or three attempts on other houses, and had been warned
off by the proprietors. A chambermaid had discharged a quantity of foul
water at him from an upper window as he was in the act of defacing the
dwelling with a hand-bill; and a burly Hibernian, in his emphatic
brogue, had cursed him for an itinerant vender of nostrums; for there
was a violent prejudice in the town of Bella Vista against all venders
of quack medicines ever since a wandering empiric, having promised to
cure an old gentleman of some hepatic disorder, had given him an emetic,
and afterwards told him that he had puked up a piece of his liver and
would soon get well; when, in fact, the patient was soon in the hands of
the undertaker.
Toney and Tom now came to the assistance of Bragg; and Seddon, being a
citizen of the town, and acquainted with its localities, conducted the
captain to a small tenement which was used by a Dutchman as a stable for
his donkey. Bragg produced his documents, and was about to apply the
paste when the Dutchman came forth leading his donkey, and exclaimed,
"Donner und blitzen! what for you do dat?" Tom whispered to Bragg to
offer the Dutchman a dollar. This suggestion had its effect, and the
silver coin obtained from the proprietor of the stable a place for the
duelist's placard.
Having made his donation to the Dutchman, Bragg was spreading his paste
on the side of the donkey's dwelling when a loud shout was heard in the
street. A crowd of men and boys were seen advancing, and in their midst,
covered with mud and filth from head to foot, and led along by two
sturdy Irishmen, was a most pitiable and disgusting object. His face had
received a coating of wet clay, which was gradually getting dry, and
made his visage as ugly as an idol in a Hindoo temple. His clothing was
befouled with slime; and the two men held him at arm's length, so as to
avoid the defilement of actual contact.
"By the powers of mud! what is that?" exclaimed Bragg.
"One of the powers aforesaid coming in answer to your invocation, I
suppose," said Seddon.
"It is mud, sure enough," said Toney.
"Walking abroad and endeavoring to dry itself in the sun," said Seddon.
"Hurrah! hurrah!" shouted the boys.
"Here he is--by jabers! we found him!" said an Irishman.
"Who is he?" said Toney.
"Do you not know me?" said a dolorous voice issuing from the mass of
mud.
"No, I do not. Who are you?"
"I am Botts."
"Botts!" said Toney.
"Botts!" exclaimed Seddon.
"Botts!" shouted Bragg.
"Yes, gentlemen, I am Botts."