Mr. Lovelace told me, that on the supposition that his proposal in
relation to my cousin Morden might not be accepted, he had been studying
to find out, if possible, some other expedient that might be agreeable,
in order to convince me, that he preferred my satisfaction to his own.
He then offered to go himself, and procure my Hannah to come and
attend me. As I had declined the service of either of the young Misses
Sorlings, he was extremely solicitous, he said, that I should have a
servant in whose integrity I might confide.
I told him, that you would be so kind as to send to engage Hannah, if
possible.
If any thing, he said, should prevent Hannah from coming, suppose he
himself waited upon Miss Howe, to desire her to lend me her servant till
I was provided to my mind?
I said, your mother's high displeasure at the step I had taken, (as she
supposed, voluntarily,) had deprived me of an open assistance of that
sort from you.
He was amazed, so much as Mrs. Howe herself used to admire me, and so
great an influence as Miss Howe was supposed, and deserved to have
over her mother, that Mrs. Howe should take upon herself to be so much
offended with me. He wished that the man, who took such pains to keep up
and enflame the passions of my father and uncles, were not at the bottom
of this mischief too.
I was afraid, I said, that my brother was: or else my uncle Antony, I
dared to say, would not have taken such pains to set Mrs. Howe against
me, as I understood he had done.
Since I had declined visiting Lady Sarah, and Lady Betty, he asked me,
if I should admit of a visit from his cousin Montague, and accept of a
servant of hers for the present?
That was not, I said, an acceptable proposal: but I would first see if
my friends would send me my clothes, that I might not make such a giddy
and runaway appearance to any of his relations.
If I pleased, he would take another journey to Windsor, to make a more
particular inquiry amongst the canons, or in any worthy family.
Were not his objections as to the publicness of the place, I asked him,
as strong now as before?
I remember, my dear, in one of your former letters, you mentioned London
as the most private place to be in:* and I said, that since he made such
pretences against leaving me here, as shewed he had no intention to do
so; and since he engaged to go from me, and leave me to pursue my
own measures, if I were elsewhere; and since his presence made these
lodgings inconvenient to me; I should not be disinclined to go to
London, did I know any body there.
* See Vol. II. Letter XXXVII.
As he had several times proposed London to me, I expected that he would
eagerly have embraced that motion from me. But he took not ready hold of
it: yet I thought his eye approved of it.
We are both great watchers of each other's eyes; and, indeed, seem to be
more than half afraid of each other.
He then made a grateful proposal to me: 'that I would send for my Norton
to attend me.'*
* The reader is referred to Mr. Lovelace's next letter, for his motives
in making the several proposals of which the Lady is willing to think so
well.
He saw by my eyes, he said, that he had at last been happy in an
expedient, which would answer the wishes of us both. Why, says he, did
I not think of it before?--And snatching my hand, Shall I write, Madam?
Shall I send? Shall I go and fetch the worthy woman myself?
After a little consideration, I told him that this was indeed a grateful
motion: but that I apprehended it would put her to a difficulty which
she would not be able to get over; as it would make a woman of her known
prudence appear to countenance a fugitive daughter in opposition to
her parents; and as her coming to me would deprive her of my mother's
favour, without its being in my power to make it up to her.
O my beloved creature! said he, generously enough, let not this be
an obstacle. I will do every thing for Mrs. Norton you wish to have
done.--Let me go for her.
More coolly than perhaps his generosity deserved, I told him it was
impossible but I must soon hear from my friends. I should not, mean
time, embroil any body with them. Not Mrs. Norton especially, from whose
interest in, and mediation with, my mother, I might expect some good,
were she to keep herself in a neutral state: that, besides, the good
woman had a mind above her fortune; and would sooner want than be
beholden to any body improperly.
Improperly! said he.--Have not persons of merit a right to all the
benefits conferred upon them?--Mrs. Norton is so good a woman, that I
shall think she lays me under an obligation if she will put it in my
power to serve her; although she were not to augment it, by giving me
the opportunity, at the same time, of contributing to your pleasure and
satisfaction.
How could this man, with such powers of right thinking, be so far
depraved by evil habits, as to disgrace his talents by wrong acting?
Is there not room, after all, thought I, at the time, to hope (as he so
lately led me to hope) that the example it will behove me, for both
our sakes, to endeavour to set him, may influence him to a change of
manners, in which both may find our account?
Give me leave, Sir, said I, to tell you, there is a strange mixture in
your mind. You must have taken pains to suppress many good motions
and reflections as they arose, or levity must have been surprisingly
predominant in it.--But as to the subject we were upon, there is no
taking any resolutions till I hear from my friends.
Well, Madam, I can only say, I would find out some expedient, if I
could, that should be agreeable to you. But since I cannot, will you be
so good as to tell me what you would wish to have done? Nothing in the
world but I will comply with, excepting leaving you here, at such a
distance from the place I shall be in, if any thing should happen; and
in a place where my gossiping rascals have made me in a manner public,
for want of proper cautions at first.
These vermin, added he, have a pride they can hardly rein-in, when
they serve a man of family. They boast of their master's pedigree and
descent, as if they were related to him. Nor is any thing they know of
him, or of his affairs, a secret to one another, were it a matter that
would hang him.
If so, thought I, men of family should take care to give them subjects
worth boasting of.
I am quite at a loss, said I, what to do or where to go. Would you, Mr.
Lovelace, in earnest, advise me to think of going to London?
And I looked at him with stedfastness. But nothing could I gather from
his looks.
At first, Madam, said he, I was for proposing London, as I was then more
apprehensive of pursuit. But as your relations seem cooler on that head,
I am the more indifferent about the place you go to.--So as you are
pleased, so as you are easy, I shall be happy.
This indifference of his to London, I cannot but say, made me incline
the more to go thither. I asked him (to hear what he would say) if he
could recommend me to any particular place in London?
No, he said: none that was fit for me, or that I should like. His friend
Belford, indeed, had very handsome lodgings near Soho-square, at a
relation's, whose wife was a woman of virtue and honour. These, as Mr.
Belford was generally in the country, he could borrow till I was better
accommodated.
I was resolved to refuse these at the first mention, as I should any
other he had named. Nevertheless, I will see, thought I, if he has
really thought of these for me. If I break off the talk here, and he
resume this proposal with earnestness in the morning, I shall apprehend
that he is less indifferent than he seems to be about my going to
London, and that he has already a lodging in his eye for me. And then I
will not go at all.
But after such generous motions from him, I really think it a little
barbarous to act and behave as if I thought him capable of the blackest
and most ungrateful baseness. But his character, his principles, are so
faulty! He is so light, so vain, so various, that there is no certainty
that he will be next hour what he is this. Then, my dear, I have no
guardian now; no father, no mother! only God and my vigilance to depend
upon. And I have no reason to expect a miracle in my favour.
Well, Sir, said I, [rising to leave him,] something must be resolved
upon: but I will postpone this subject till to-morrow morning.
He would fain have engaged me longer: but I said I would see him as
early as he pleased in the morning. He might think of any convenient
place in London, or near it, in mean time.
And so I retired from him. As I do from my pen; hoping for better rest
for the few hours that remain of this night than I have had of a long
time.