This is Wednesday; the day that I was to have lost my charmer for ever
to the hideous Solmes! With what high satisfaction and heart's-ease can
I now sit down, and triumph over my men in straw at Harlowe-place! Yet
'tis perhaps best for them, that she got off as she did. Who knows what
consequences might have followed upon my attending her in; or (if she
had not met me) upon my projected visit, followed by my myrmidons?
But had I even gone in with her unaccompanied, I think I had but little
reason for apprehension: for well thou knowest, that the tame spirits
which value themselves upon reputation, and are held within the skirts
of the law by political considerations only, may be compared to an
infectious spider; which will run into his hole the moment one of his
threads is touched by a finger that can crush him, leaving all his toils
defenceless, and to be brushed down at the will of the potent invader.
While a silly fly, that has neither courage nor strength to resist,
no sooner gives notice, by its buz and its struggles, of its being
entangled, but out steps the self-circumscribed tyrant, winds round and
round the poor insect, till he covers it with his bowel-spun toils; and
when so fully secured, that it can neither move leg nor wing, suspends
it, as if for a spectacle to be exulted over: then stalking to the door
of his cell, turns about, glotes over it at a distance; and, sometimes
advancing, sometimes retiring, preys at leisure upon its vitals.
But now I think of it, will not this comparison do as well for
the entangled girls, as for the tame spirits?--Better o' my
conscience!--'Tis but comparing the spider to us brave fellows, and it
quadrates.
Whatever our hearts are in, our heads will follow. Begin with spiders,
with flies, with what we will, girl is the centre of gravity, and we all
naturally tend to it.
Nevertheless, to recur; I cannot but observe, that these tame spirits
stand a poor chance in a fairly offensive war with such of us mad
fellows as are above all law, and scorn to sculk behind the hypocritical
screen of reputation.
Thou knowest that I never scruple to throw myself amongst numbers of
adversaries; the more the safer: one or two, no fear, will take the part
of a single adventurer, if not intentionally, in fact; holding him in,
while others hold in the principal antagonist, to the augmentation of
their mutual prowess, till both are prevailed upon to compromise, or
one to be absent: so that, upon the whole, the law-breakers have the
advantage of the law-keepers, all the world over; at least for a time,
and till they have run to the end of their race. Add to this, in the
question between me and the Harlowes, that the whole family of them must
know that they have injured me--must therefore be afraid of me. Did they
not, at their own church, cluster together like bees, when they saw me
enter it? Nor knew they which should venture out first, when the service
was over.
James, indeed, was not there. If he had, he would perhaps have
endeavoured to look valiant. But there is a sort of valour in the face,
which shews fear in the heart: just such a face would James Harlowe's
have been, had I made them a visit.
When I have had such a face and such a heart as I have described to deal
with, I have been all calm and serene, and left it to the friends of the
blusterer (as I have done to the Harlowes) to do my work for me.
I am about mustering up in my memory, all that I have ever done, that
has been thought praise-worthy, or but barely tolerable. I am afraid
thou canst not help me to many remembrances of this sort; because I
never was so bad as since I have known thee.
Have I not had it in my heart to do some good that thou canst not remind
me of? Study for me, Jack. I have recollected some instances which I
think will tell in--but see if thou canst not help me to some which I
may have forgot.
This I may venture to say, that the principal blot in my escutcheon is
owing to these girls, these confounded girls. But for them, I could go
to church with a good conscience: but when I do, there they are. Every
where does Satan spread his snares for me! But, how I think of it, what
if our governor should appoint churches for the women only, and others
for the men?--Full as proper, I think, for the promoting of true
piety in both, [much better than the synagogue-lattices,] as separate
boarding-schools for their education.
There are already male and female dedications of churches.
St. Swithin's, St. Stephen's, St. Thomas's, St. George's, and so forth,
might be appropriated to the men; and Santa Catharina's, Santa Anna's,
Santa Maria's, Santa Margaretta's, for the women.
Yet were it so, and life to be the forfeiture of being found at the
female churches, I believe that I, like a second Clodius, should change
my dress, to come at my Portia or Pompeia, though one the daughter of a
Cato, the other the wife of a Caesar.
But how I excurse!--Yet thou usedst to say, thou likedst my excursions.
If thou dost, thou'lt have enow of them: for I never had a subject I
so much adored; and with which I shall probably be compelled to have so
much patience before I strike the blow; if the blow I do strike.
But let me call myself back to my recordation-subject--Thou needest
not remind me of my Rosebud. I have her in my head; and moreover have
contrived to give my fair-one an hint of that affair, by the agency of
honest Joseph Leman;* although I have not reaped the hoped-for credit of
her acknowledgement.
* See Vol. II. Letter XXVII.
That's the devil; and it was always my hard fate--every thing I do that
is good, is but as I ought!--Every thing of a contrary nature is brought
into the most glaring light against me--Is this fair? Ought not a
balance to be struck; and the credit carried to my account?--Yet I must
own too, that I half grudge Johnny this blooming maiden? for, in truth,
I think a fine woman too rich a jewel to hang about a poor man's neck.
Surely, Jack, if I am guilty of a fault in my universal adorations of
the sex, the women in general ought to love me the better for it.
And so they do; I thank them heartily; except here and there a covetous
little rogue comes cross me, who, under the pretence of loving virtue
for its own sake, wants to have me all to herself.