You claim my promise, that I will be as particular as possible, in
all that passes between me and my goddess. Indeed, I never had a more
illustrious subject to exercise my pen. And, moreover, I have leisure;
for by her good will, my access would be as difficult to her, as that of
the humblest slave to an Eastern monarch. Nothing, then, but inclination
to write can be wanting; and since our friendship, and your obliging
attendance upon me at the White Hart, will not excuse that, I will
endeavour to keep my word.
I parted with thee and thy brethren, with a full resolution, thou
knowest, to rejoin ye, if she once again disappointed me, in order to go
together (attended by our servants, for shew sake) to the gloomy father;
and demand audience of the tyrant upon the freedoms taken with my
character. In short, to have tried by fair resolutions, and treat his
charming daughter with less inhumanity, and me with more civility.
I told thee my reasons for not going in search of a letter of
countermand. I was right; for if I had, I should have found such a one;
and had I received it, she would not have met me. Did she think, that
after I had been more than once disappointed, I would not keep her to
her promise; that I would not hold her to it, when I had got her in so
deeply?
The moment I heard the door unbolt, I was sure of her. That motion
made my heart bound to my throat. But when that was followed with the
presence of my charmer, flashing upon me all at once in a flood of
brightness, sweetly dressed, though all unprepared for a journey, I trod
air, and hardly thought myself a mortal.
Thou shalt judge of her dress, as at the moment I first beheld her she
appeared to me, and as, upon a nearer observation, she really was. I am
a critic, thou knowest, in women's dresses. Many a one have I taught
to dress, and helped to undress. But there is such a native elegance in
this lady, that she surpasses all that I could imagine surpassing. But
then her person adorns what she wears, more than dress can adorn her;
and that's her excellence.
Expect therefore a faint sketch of her admirable person with her dress.
Her wax-like flesh (for after all, flesh and blood I think she is) by
its delicacy and firmness, answers for the soundness of her health. Thou
hast often heard me launch out in praise of her complexion. I never in
my life beheld a skins so illustriously fair. The lily and the driven
snow it is nonsense to talk of: her lawn and her laces one might indeed
compare to those; but what a whited wall would a woman appear to be,
who had a complexion which would justify such unnatural comparisons? But
this lady is all glowing, all charming flesh and blood; yet so clear,
that every meandring vein is to be seen in all the lovely parts of her
which custom permits to be visible.
Thou has heard me also describe the wavy ringlets of her shining hair,
needing neither art nor powder; of itself an ornament, defying all
other ornaments; wantoning in and about a neck that is beautiful beyond
description.
Her head-dress was a Brussels-lace mob, peculiarly adapted to the
charming air and turn of her features. A sky-blue ribband illustrated
that. But although the weather was somewhat sharp, she had not on either
hat or hood; for, besides that she loves to use herself hardily (by
which means and by a temperance truly exemplary, she is allowed to have
given high health and vigour to an originally tender constitution) she
seems to have intended to shew me, that she was determined not to stand
to her appointment. O Jack! that such a sweet girl should be a rogue!
Her morning gown was a pale primrose-coloured paduasoy: the cuffs
and robins curiously embroidered by the fingers of this ever-charming
Arachne, in a running pattern of violets and their leaves, the light in
the flowers silver, gold in the leaves. A pair of diamond snaps in
her ears. A white handkerchief wrought by the same inimitable fingers
concealed--O Belford! what still more inimitable beauties did it not
conceal!--And I saw, all the way we rode, the bounding heart (by its
throbbing motions I saw it!) dancing beneath her charming umbrage.
Her ruffles were the same as her mob. Her apron a flowered lawn. Her
coat white sattin, quilted: blue sattin her shoes, braided with the same
colour, without lace; for what need has the prettiest foot in the world
of ornament? neat buckles in them: and on her charming arms a pair of
black velvet glove-like muffs of her own invention; for she makes and
gives fashions as she pleases.--Her hands velvet of themselves, thus
uncovered the freer to be grasped by those of her adorer.
I have told thee what were my transports, when the undrawn bolt
presented to me my long-expected goddess. Her emotions were more sweetly
feminine, after the first moments; for then the fire of her starry eyes
began to sink into a less dazzling languor. She trembled: nor knew
she how to support the agitations of a heart she had never found so
ungovernable. She was even fainting, when I clasped her in my supporting
arms. What a precious moment that! How near, how sweetly near, the
throbbing partners!
By her dress, I saw, as I observed before, how unprepared she was for
a journey; and not doubting her intention once more to disappoint me, I
would have drawn her after me. Then began a contention the most vehement
that ever I had with woman. It would pain thy friendly heart to be told
the infinite trouble I had with her. I begged, I prayed; on my knees,
yet in vain, I begged and prayed her to answer her own appointment: and
had I not happily provided for such a struggle, knowing whom I had to
deal with, I had certainly failed in my design; and as certainly would
have accompanied her in, without thee and thy brethren: and who knows
what might have been the consequence?
But my honest agent answering my signal, though not quite so soon as I
expected, in the manner thou knowest I had prescribed, They are coming!
They are coming!--Fly, fly, my beloved creature, cried I, drawing my
sword with a flourish, as if I would have slain half an hundred of the
supposed intruders; and, seizing her trembling hands, I drew her after
me so swiftly, that my feet, winged by love, could hardly keep pace with
her feet, agitated by fear.--And so I became her emperor.
I'll tell thee all, when I see thee: and thou shalt then judge of my
difficulties, and of her perverseness. And thou wilt rejoice with me at
my conquest over such a watchful and open-eyed charmer.
But seest thou not now (as I think I do) the wind outstripping fair one
flying from her love to her love? Is there not such a game?--Nay, flying
from her friends she was resolved not to abandon, to the man she was
determined not to go off with?--The sex! the sex, all over!--Charming
contradiction!--Hah, hah, hah, hah!--I must here--I must here, lay down
my pen, to hold my sides; for I must have my laugh out now the fit is
upon me.
*****
I believe--I believe--Hah, hah, hah! I believe, Jack, my dogs conclude
me mad: for here has one of them popt in, as if to see what ailed me, or
whom I had with me. Hah, hah, hah! An impudent dog! O Jack, knewest thou
my conceit, and were but thy laugh joined to mine, I believe it would
hold me for an hour longer.
But, O my best beloved fair one, repine not thou at the arts by which
thou suspectest thy fruitless vigilence has been over watched. Take
care, that thou provokest not new ones, that may be still more worthy
of thee. If once thy emperor decrees thy fall, thou shalt greatly fall.
Thou shalt have cause, if that come to pass, which may come to pass (for
why wouldst thou put off marriage to so long a day, as till thou hadst
reason to be convinced of my reformation, dearest?) thou shalt have
cause, never fear, to sit down more dissatisfied with the stars, than
with thyself. And come the worst to the worst, glorious terms will I
give thee. Thy garrison, with general Prudence at the head, and governor
Watchfulness bringing up the rear, shall be allowed to march out with
all the honours due to so brave a resistance. And all thy sex, and all
mine, that hear of my stratagems, and of thy conduct, shall acknowledge
the fortress as nobly won as defended.
'Thou wilt not dare, methinks I hear thee say, to attempt to reduce such
a goddess as this, to a standard unworthy of her excellencies. It is
impossible, Lovelace, that thou shouldst intent to break through oaths
and protestations so solemn.'
That I did not intend it, is certain. That I do intend it, I cannot (my
heart, my reverence for her, will not let me) say. But knowest thou not
my aversion to the state of shackles?--And is she not IN MY POWER?
'And wilt thou, Lovelace, abuse that power which--'
Which what, Belford? Which I obtained not by her own consent, but
against it.
'But which thou never hadst obtained, had she not esteemed thee above
all men.'
And which I had never taken so much pains to obtain, had I not loved her
above all women. So far upon a par, Jack! and if thou pleadest honour,
ought not honour to be mutual? If mutual, does it not imply mutual
trust, mutual confidence? And what have I had of that from her to boast
of?--Thou knowest the whole progress of our warfare: for a warfare it
has truly been; and far, very far, from an amorous warfare too. Doubts,
mistrusts, upbraidings, on her part; humiliations the most abject, on
mine. Obliged to assume such airs of reformation, that every varlet of
ye has been afraid I should reclaim in good earnest. And hast thou not
thyself frequently observed to me, how awkwardly I returned to my usual
gayety, after I had been within a mile of her father's garden-wall,
although I had not seen her?
Does she not deserve to pay for all this?--To make an honest fellow look
like an hypocrite, what a vile thing is that!
Then thou knowest what a false little rogue she has been. How little
conscience she has made of disappointing me. Hast thou not been a
witness of my ravings on this score? Have I not, in the height of them,
vowed revenge upon the faithless charmer? And if I must be forsworn,
whether I answer her expectations, or follow my own inclinations; and if
the option be in my own power, can I hesitate a moment which to choose?
Then, I fancy by her circumspection, and her continual grief, that she
expects some mischief from me. I don't care to disappoint any body I
have a value for.
But O the noble, the exalted creature! Who can avoid hesitating when he
thinks of an offence against her? Who can but pity--
Yet, on the other hand, so loth at last to venture, though threatened
to be forced into the nuptial fetters with a man, whom to look upon as
a rival, is to disgrace myself!--So sullen, now she has ventured!--What
title has she to pity; and to a pity which her pride would make her
disclaim?
But I resolve not any way. I will see how her will works; and how my
will leads me on. I will give the combatants fair play, and yet, every
time I attend her, I find that she is less in my power; I more in hers.
Yet, a foolish little rogue! to forbid me to think of marriage till I am
a reformed man! Till the implacables of her family change their natures,
and become placable!
It is true, when she was for making those conditions, she did not think,
that without any, she should be cheated out of herself; for so the dear
soul, as I may tell thee in its place, phrases it.
How it swells my pride, to have been able to outwit such a vigilant
charmer! I am taller by half a yard in my imagination than I was. I look
down upon every body now. Last night I was still more extravagant. I
took off my hat, as I walked, to see if the lace were not scorched,
supposing it had brushed down a star; and, before I put it on again, in
mere wantonness and heart's ease, I was for buffeting the moon.
In short, my whole soul is joy. When I go to bed I laugh myself asleep;
and I awake either laughing or singing--yet nothing nearly in view,
neither--For why?--I am not yet reformed enough!
I told thee at the time, if thou rememberest, how capable this
restriction was of being turned upon the over-scrupulous dear creature,
could I once get her out of her father's house; and were I disposed to
punish her for her family's faults, and for the infinite trouble she
herself had given me. Little thinks she, that I have kept an account of
both: and that, when my heart is soft, and all her own, I can but turn
to my memoranda, and harden myself at once.
O my charmer, look to it! Abate of thy haughty airs! Value not thyself
upon thy sincerity, if thou art indifferent to me! I will not bear it
now. Art thou not in my POWER!--Nor, if thou lovest me, think, that
the female affectation of denying thy love, will avail thee now, with a
heart so proud and so jealous as mine?--Remember, moreover, that all thy
family sins are upon thy head--!
But ah! Jack, when I see my angel, when I am admitted to the presence of
this radiant beauty, what will become of all this vapouring?
But, be my end what it may, I am obliged, by thy penetration, fair one,
to proceed by the sap. Fair and softly. A wife at any time! Marriage
will be always in my power.
When put to the university, the same course of initial studies will
qualify the yonker for the one line or the other. The genius ought to
point out the future lawyer, divine, or physician!--So the same cautious
conduct, with such a vigilance, will do either for the wife, or for the
no-wife. When I reform, I'll marry. 'Tis time enough for the one, the
lady must say--for the other, say I!
But how I ramble!--This is to be in such a situation, that I know not
what to resolve upon.
I'll tell thee my inclinings, as I proceed. The pro's and the con's I'll
tell thee: but being got too far from the track I set out in, I will
close here. I may, however, write every day something, and send it as
opportunity offers.
Regardless, nevertheless, I shall be in all I write, of connection,
accuracy, or of any thing but of my own imperial will and pleasure.