But I took him up short: I am willing to believe you, Sir. It would
be insupportable but to suppose there were a necessity for such solemn
declarations. [At this he seemed to collect himself, as I may say, into
a little more circumspection.] If I thought there were, I would not sit
with you here, in a public inn, I assure you, although cheated hither,
as far as I know, by methods (you must excuse me, Sir) which, but
to suspect, will hardly let me have patience either with you or with
myself--but no more of this, just now: Let me, I beseech you, good Sir,
bowing [I was very angry!] let me only know whether you intend to leave
me; or whether I have only escaped from one confinement to another?
Cheated hither, as far as I know, Madam! Let you know (and with that
air, too, charming, though grievous to my heart!) if you have only
escaped from one confinement to another--amazing! perfectly amazing! And
can there be a necessity for me to answer this? You are absolutely your
own mistress--it was very strange, if you were not. The moment you are
in a place of safety, I will leave you. To one condition only, give me
leave to beg your consent: it is this, that you will be pleased, now you
are so entirely in your own power, to renew a promise voluntarily made
before; voluntarily, or I would not now presume to request it; for
although I would not be thought capable of growing upon concession, yet
I cannot bear to think of losing the ground your goodness had given
me room to hope I had gained; 'That, make up how you please with your
relations, you will never marry any other man, while I am living and
single, unless I should be so wicked as to give new cause for high
displeasure.'
I hesitate not to confirm this promise, Sir, upon your own condition. In
what manner do you expect to confirm it?
Only, Madam, by your word.
Then I never will.
He had the assurance (I was now in his power) to salute me as a sealing
of my promise, as he called it. His motion was so sudden, that I was not
aware of it. It would have looked affected to be very angry; yet I could
not be pleased, considering this as a leading freedom, from a spirit so
audacious and encroaching: and he might see, that I was not.
He passed all that by with an air peculiar to himself--Enough, enough,
dearest Madam! And now let me beg of you but to conquer this dreadful
uneasiness, which gives me to apprehend too much for my jealous love to
bear; and it shall be my whole endeavour to deserve your favour, and to
make you the happiest woman in the world; as I shall be the happiest of
men.
I broke from him to write to you my preceding letter; but refused to
send it by his servant, as I told you. The mistress of the house helped
me to a messenger, who was to carry what you should give him to Lord
M.'s seat in Hertfordshire, directed for Mrs. Greme, the housekeeper
there. And early in the morning, for fear of pursuit, we were to set
out that way: and there he proposed to change the chariot and six for a
chaise and pair of his own, which he had at that seat, as it would be a
less-noticed conveyance.
I looked over my little stock of money; and found it to be no more
than seven guineas and some silver: the rest of my stock was but fifty
guineas, and that five more than I thought it was, when my sister
challenged me as to the sum I had by me:* and those I left in my
escritoire, little intending to go away with him.
* See Vol. I. Letter XLIII.
Indeed my case abounds with a shocking number of indelicate
circumstances. Among the rest, I was forced to account to him, who knew
I could have no clothes but what I had on, how I came to have linen with
me (for he could not but know I sent for it); lest he should imagine
I had an early design to go away with him, and made that part of the
preparation.
He most heartily wished, he said, for my mind's sake, that your mother
would have afforded me her protection; and delivered himself upon this
subject with equal freedom and concern.
There are, my dear Miss Howe, a multitude of punctilios and decorums,
which a young creature must dispense with, who, in a situation like
mine, makes a man the intimate attendant of her person. I could now,
I think, give twenty reasons stronger than any I have heretofore
mentioned, why women of the least delicacy should never think of
incurring the danger and the disgrace of taking the step I have been
drawn in to take, but with horror and aversion; and why they should look
upon the man who should tempt them to it, as the vilest and most selfish
of seducers.
*****
Before five o'clock (Tuesday morning) the maidservant came up to tell me
that my brother was ready, and that breakfast also waited for me in
the parlour. I went down with a heart as heavy as my eyes, and received
great acknowledgements and compliments from him on being so soon
dressed, and ready (as he interpreted it) to continue on our journey.
He had the thought which I had not (for what had I to do with thinking, who
had it not when I stood most in need of it?) to purchase for me a velvet
hood, and a short cloke, trimmed with silver, without saying any thing
to me. He must reward himself, the artful encroacher said, before the
landlady and her maids and niece, for his forethought; and would salute
his pretty sullen sister!--He took his reward; and, as he said before,
a tear with it. While he assured me, still before them [a vile wretch!]
that I had nothing to fear from meeting with parents who so dearly loved
me.--
How could I be complaisant, my dear, to such a man as this?
When we had got in the chariot, and it began to move, he asked me,
whether I had any objection to go to Lord M.'s Hertfordshire seat? His
Lordship, he said, was at his Berkshire one.
I told him, I chose not to go, as yet, to any of his relations; for that
would indicate a plain defiance to my own. My choice was, to go to a
private lodging, and for him to be at a distance from me: at least, till
I heard how things were taken by my friends: for that, although I had
but little hopes of a reconciliation as it was; yet if they knew I was
in his protection, or in that of any of his friends, (which would be
looked upon as the same thing,) there would not be room for any hopes at
all.
I should govern him as I pleased, he solemnly assured me, in every
thing. But he still thought London was the best place for me; and if I
were once safe there, and in a lodging to my liking, he would go to M.
Hall. But, as I approved not of London, he would urge it no further.
He proposed, and I consented, to put up at an inn in the neighbourhood
of The Lawn (as he called Lord M.'s seat in this county) since I chose
not to go thither. And here I got two hours to myself; which I told him
I should pass in writing another letter to you, (meaning my narrative,
which, though greatly fatigued, I had begun at St. Alban's,) and in one
to my sister, to apprise the family (whether they were solicitous about
it or not) that I was well; and to beg that my clothes, some particular
books, and the fifty guineas I had left in my escritoire, might be sent
me.
He asked, if I had considered whither to have them directed?