Nay, Mr. Lovelace, if you now dispute--if, after this more favourable
declaration, than I had the thought of making, you are not satisfied, I
shall know what to think both of your gratitude and generosity.
The case, Madam, admits not of this alternative. I am all gratitude upon
it. I cannot express how much I should be delighted with the charming
hope you have given me, were you not next Wednesday, if you stay, to
be another man's. Think, dearest creature! what an heightening of my
anguish the distant hope you bid me look up to is, taken in this light!
Depend, depend upon it, I will die sooner than be Mr. Solmes's. If you
would have me rely upon your honour, why should you doubt of mine?
I doubt not your honour, Madam; your power is all I doubt. You never,
never can have such another opportunity.--Dearest creature, permit
me--and he was again drawing me after him.
Whither, Sir, do you draw me?--Leave me this moment--Do you seek to keep
me till my return shall grow dangerous or impracticable? This moment let
me go, if you would have me think tolerably of you.
My happiness, Madam, both here and hereafter, and the safety of all your
implacable family, depend upon this moment.
To Providence, Mr. Lovelace, and to the law, will I leave the safety
of my friends. You shall not threaten me into a rashness that my heart
condemns!--Shall I, to promote your happiness, as you call it, depend
upon future peace of mind?
You trifle with me, my dear life, just as our better prospects begin to
open. The way is clear; just now it is clear; but you may be prevented
in a moment. What is it you doubt?--May I perish eternally, if your
will shall not be a law to me in every thing! All my relations expect
you.--Next Wednesday!--Dearest creature! think of next Wednesday!--And
to what is it I urge you, but to take a step that sooner than any other
will reconcile you to all whom you have most reason to value in your
family?
Let my judge for myself, Sir. Do not you, who blame my friends for
endeavouring to compel me, yourself seek to compel. I won't bear it.
Your earnestness gives me greater apprehensions, and greater reluctance.
Let me go back, then--let me, before it is too late, go back, that it
may not be worse for both--What mean you by this forcible treatment? Is
it thus that I am to judge of the entire submission to my will which you
have so often vowed?--Unhand me this moment, or I will cry out for help.
I will obey you, my dearest creature!--And quitted my hand with a look
full of tender despondency, that, knowing the violence of his temper,
half-concerned me for him. Yet I was hastening from him, when, with a
solemn air, looking upon his sword, but catching, as it were, his hand
from it, he folded both his arms, as if a sudden thought had recovered
him from an intended rashness.
Stay, one moment--but one moment stay, O best beloved of my soul!--Your
retreat is secure, if you will go: the key lies at the door.--But,
O Madam, next Wednesday, and you are Mr. Solmes's!--Fly me not so
eagerly--hear me but a few words.
When near the garden-door, I stopped; and was the more satisfied, as
I saw the key there, by which I could let myself in again at pleasure.
But, being uneasy lest I should be missed, I told him, I could stay
no longer. I had already staid too long. I would write to him all my
reasons. And depend upon it, Mr. Lovelace, said I [just upon the point
of stooping for the key, in order to return] I will die, rather than
have that man. You know what I have promised, if I find myself in
danger.
One word, Madam, however; one word more [approaching me, his arms still
folded, as if, I thought, he would not be tempted to mischief]. Remember
only, that I come at your appointment, to redeem you, at the hazard of
my life, from your gaolers and persecutors, with a resolution, God is
my witness, or may he for ever blast me! [that was his shocking
imprecation] to be a father, uncle, brother, and, as I humbly hoped, in
your own good time, a husband to you, all in one. But since I find you
are so ready to cry out for help against me, which must bring down upon
me the vengeance of all your family, I am contented to run all risques.
I will not ask you to retreat with me; I will attend you into the
garden, and into the house, if I am not intercepted.
Nay, be not surprised, Madam. The help you would have called for, I will
attend you to; for I will face them all: but not as a revenger, if they
provoke me not too much. You shall see what I can further bear for your
sake--and let us both see, if expostulation, and the behaviour of a
gentleman to them, will not procure me the treatment due to a gentleman
from them.
Had he offered to draw his sword upon himself, I was prepared to have
despised him for supposing me such a poor novice, as to be intimidated
by an artifice so common. But this resolution, uttered with so serious
an air, of accompanying me in to my friends, made me gasp with terror.
What mean you, Mr. Lovelace? said I: I beseech you leave me--leave me,
Sir, I beseech you.
Excuse me, Madam! I beg you to excuse me. I have long enough skulked
like a thief about these lonely walls--long, too long, have I borne
the insults of your brother, and other of your relations. Absence but
heightens malice. I am desperate. I have but this one chance for it; for
is not the day after to-morrow Wednesday? I have encouraged virulence
by my tameness.--Yet tame I will still be. You shall see, Madam, what I
will bear for your sake. My sword shall be put sheathed into your hands
[and he offered it to me in the scabbard].--My heart, if you please,
clapping one hand upon his breast, shall afford a sheath for your
brother's sword. Life is nothing, if I lose you--be pleased, Madam, to
shew me the way into the garden [moving toward the door]. I will attend
you, though to my fate!--But too happy, be it what it will, if I receive
it in your presence. Lead on, dear creature! [putting his sword into his
belt]--You shall see what I can bear for you. And he stooped and took
up the key; and offered it to the lock; but dropped it again, without
opening the door, upon my earnest expostulations.
What can you mean, Mr. Lovelace?--said I--Would you thus expose
yourself? Would you thus expose me?--Is this your generosity? Is every
body to take advantage thus of the weakness of my temper?
And I wept. I could not help it.
He threw himself upon his knees at my feet--Who can bear, said he, [with
an ardour that could not be feigned, his own eyes glistening,] who
can bear to behold such sweet emotion?--O charmer of my heart, [and,
respectfully still kneeling, he took my hand with both his, pressing it
to his lips,] command me with you, command me from you; in every way
I am implicit to obedience--but I appeal to all you know of your
relations' cruelty to you, their determined malice against me, and as
determined favour to the man you tell me you hate, (and, O Madam, if you
did not hate him, I should hardly think there would be a merit in your
approbation, place it where you would)--I appeal to every thing you
know, to all you have suffered, whether you have not reason to be
apprehensive of that Wednesday, which is my terror!--whether you can
possibly have another opportunity--the chariot ready: my friends with
impatience expecting the result of your own appointment: a man whose
will shall be entirely your will, imploring you, thus, on his knees,
imploring you--to be your own mistress; that is all: nor will I ask
for your favour, but as upon full proof I shall appear to deserve it.
Fortune, alliance, unobjectionable!--O my beloved creature! pressing my
hand once more to his lips, let not such an opportunity slip. You never,
never will have such another.
I bid him rise. He arose; and I told him, that were I not thus
unaccountably hurried by his impatience, I doubted not to convince
him, that both he and I had looked upon next Wednesday with greater
apprehension than was necessary. I was proceeding to give him my
reasons; but he broke in upon me--
Had I, Madam, but the shadow of a probability to hope what you hope, I
would be all obedience and resignation. But the license is actually
got: the parson is provided: the pedant Brand is the man. O my dearest
creature, do these preparations mean only a trial?
You know not, Sir, were the worst to be intended, and weak as you think
me, what a spirit I have: you know not what I can do, and how I can
resist when I think myself meanly or unreasonably dealt with: nor do you
know what I have already suffered, what I have already borne, knowing to
whose unbrotherly instigations all is to be ascribed--
I may expect all things, Madam, interrupted he, from the nobleness of
your mind. But your spirits may fail you. What may not be apprehended
from the invincible temper of a father so positive, to a daughter so
dutiful?--Fainting will not save you: they will not, perhaps, be sorry
for such an effect of their barbarity. What will signify expostulations
against a ceremony performed? Must not all, the dreadful all follow,
that is torture to my heart but to think of? Nobody to appeal to, of
what avail will your resistance be against the consequences of a rite
witnessed to by the imposers of it, and those your nearest relations?
I was sure, I said, of procuring a delay at least. Many ways I had to
procure a delay. Nothing could be so fatal to us both, as for me now to
be found with him. My apprehensions on this score, I told him, grew too
strong for my heart. I should think very hardly of him, if he sought to
detain me longer. But his acquiescence should engage my gratitude.
And then stooping to take up the key to let myself into the garden, he
started, and looked as if he had heard somebody near the door, on the
inside; clapping his hand on his sword.
This frighted me so, that I thought I should have sunk down at his feet.
But he instantly re-assured me: He thought, he said, he had heard a
rustling against the door: but had it been so, the noise would have been
stronger. It was only the effect of his apprehension for me.
And then taking up the key, he presented it to me.--If you will go,
Madam--Yet, I cannot, cannot leave you!--I must enter the garden with
you--forgive me, but I must enter the garden with you.
And will you, will you thus ungenerously, Mr. Lovelace, take advantage
of my fears? of my wishes to prevent mischief? I, vain fool, to be
concerned for every one; nobody for me!
Dearest creature! interrupted he, holding my hand, as I tremblingly
offered to put the key to the lock--let me, if you will go, open the
door. But once more, consider, could you possibly obtain that delay
which seems to be your only dependence, whether you may not be closer
confined? I know they have already had that in consideration. Will you
not, in this case, be prevented from corresponding either with Miss
Howe, or with me?--Who then shall assist you in your escape, if escape
you would?--From your chamber-window only permitted to view the garden
you must not enter into, how will you wish for the opportunity you
now have, if your hatred to Solmes continue!--But alas! that cannot
continue. If you go back, it must be from the impulses of a yielding
(which you'll call, a dutiful) heart, tired and teased out of your own
will.
I have no patience, Sir, to be thus constrained. Must I never be at
liberty to follow my own judgment? Be the consequence what it may, I
will not be thus constrained.
And then, freeing my hand, I again offered the key to the door.
Down the ready kneeler dropt between me and that: And can you, can you,
Madam, once more on my knees let me ask you, look with an indifferent
eye upon the evils that may follow? Provoked as I have been, and
triumphed over as I shall be, if your brother succeeds, my own heart
shudders, at times, at the thoughts of what must happen: And can yours
be unconcerned? Let me beseech you, dearest creature, to consider all
these things; and lose not this only opportunity. My intelligence--
Never, Mr. Lovelace, interrupted I, give so much credit to the words of
a traitor. Your base intelligencer is but a servant. He may pretend
to know more than he has grounds for, in order to earn the wages of
corruption. You know not what contrivances I can find out.
I was once more offering the key to the lock, when, starting from his
knees, with a voice of affrightment, loudly whispering, and as if out
of breath, they are at the door, my beloved creature! and taking the
key from me, he fluttered with it, as if he would double lock it. And
instantly a voice from within cried out, bursting against the door, as
if to break it open, the person repeating his violent pushes, Are you
there?--come up this moment!--this moment!--here they are--here they are
both together!--your pistol this moment!--your gun!--Then another push,
and another. He at the same moment drew his sword, and clapping it
naked under his arm, took both my trembling hands in his; and drawing me
swiftly after him, Fly, fly, my charmer; this moment is all you have for
it, said he.--Your brother!--your uncles!--or this Solmes!--they will
instantly burst the door--fly, my dearest life, if you would not be
more cruelly used than ever--if you would not see two or three murders
committed at your feet, fly, fly, I beseech you.
O Lord:--help, help, cried the fool, all in amaze and confusion,
frighted beyond the power of controuling.
Now behind me, now before me, now on this side, now on that, turned I my
affrighted face, in the same moment; expecting a furious brother here,
armed servants there, an enraged sister screaming, and a father armed
with terror in his countenance more dreadful than even the drawn sword
which I saw, or those I apprehended. I ran as fast as he; yet knew not
that I ran; my fears adding wings to my feet, at the same time that they
took all power of thinking from me--my fears, which probably would not
have suffered me to know what course to take, had I not had him to urge
and draw me after him: especially as I beheld a man, who must have come
out of the door, keeping us in his eye, running now towards us; then
back to the garden; beckoning and calling to others, whom I supposed he
saw, although the turning of the wall hindered me from seeing them; and
whom I imagined to be my brother, my father, and their servants.
Thus terrified, I was got out of sight of the door in a very few
minutes: and then, although quite breathless between running and
apprehension, he put my arm under his, his drawn sword in the other
hand, and hurried me on still faster: my voice, however, contradicting
my action; crying, no, no, no, all the while; straining my neck to look
back, as long as the walls of the garden and park were within sight,
and till he brought me to the chariot: where, attending, were two armed
servants of his own, and two of Lord M.'s on horseback.
Here I must suspend my relation for a while: for now I am come to this
sad period of it, my indiscretion stares me in the face; and my shame
and my grief give me a compunction that is more poignant methinks than
if I had a dagger in my heart. To have it to reflect, that I should
so inconsiderately give in to an interview, which, had I known either
myself or him, or in the least considered the circumstances of the case,
I might have supposed would put me into the power of his resolution, and
out of that of my own reason.
For, might I not have believed, that he, who thought he had cause to
apprehend that he was on the point of losing a person who had cost
him so much pains and trouble, would not hinder her, if possible, from
returning? That he, who knew I had promised to give him up for ever, if
insisted as a condition of reconciliation, would not endeavour to put it
out of my power to do so? In short, that he, who had artfully forborne
to send for my letter, (for he could not be watched, my dear,) lest he
should find in it a countermand to my appointment, (as I myself could
apprehend, although I profited by the apprehension,) would want a device
to keep me with him till the danger of having our meeting discovered
might throw me absolutely into his power, to avoid my own worse usage,
and the mischiefs which might have ensued (perhaps in my very sight) had
my friends and he met?
But if it shall come out, that the person within the garden was his
corrupted implement, employed to frighten me away with him, do you
think, my dear, that I shall not have reason to hate him and myself
still more? I hope his heart cannot be so deep and so vile a one: I hope
it cannot! But how came it to pass, that one man could get out at the
garden-door, and no more? how, that that man kept aloof, as it were,
and pursued us not; nor ran back to alarm the house? my fright, and my
distance, would not let me be certain; but really this man, as I now
recollect, had the air of that vile Joseph Leman.
O why, why, my dear friends!--But wherefore blame I them, when I had
argued myself into a hope, not improbable, that even the dreadful
trial I was to undergo so soon might turn out better than if I had been
directly carried away from the presence of my once indulgent parents,
who might possibly intend that trial to be the last I should have had?
Would to Heaven, that I had stood it, however! then if I had afterwards
done, what now I have been prevailed upon, or perhaps foolishly
frightened to do, I should not have been stung so much by inward
reproach as now I am: and this would have been a great evil avoided.
You know, my dear, that your Clarissa's mind was ever above justifying
her own failings by those of others. God forgive those of my friends
who have acted cruelly by me! But their faults are their own, and
not excuses for mine. And mine began early: for I ought not to have
corresponded with him.
O the vile encroacher! how my indignation, at times, rises at him! thus
to lead a young creature (too much indeed relying upon her own strength)
from evil to evil!--This last evil, although the remote, yet sure
consequence of my first--my prohibited correspondence! by a father early
prohibited.
How much more properly had I acted, with regard to that correspondence,
had I, once for all, when he was forbidden to visit me, and I to receive
his visits, pleaded the authority by which I ought to have been bound,
and denied to write to him!--But I thought I could proceed, or stop, as
I pleased. I supposed it concerned me, more than any other, to be
the arbitress of the quarrels of unruly spirits.--And now I find my
presumption punished--punished, as other sins frequently are, by itself!
As to this last rashness; now, that it is too late, I plainly see how
I ought to have conducted myself. As he knew I had but one way of
transmitting to him the knowledge of what befel me; as he knew that my
fate was upon a crisis with my friends; and that I had in my letter
to him reserved the liberty of revocation; I should not have been
solicitous whether he had got my letter or not: when he had come, and
found I did not answer to his signal, he would presently have resorted
to the loose bricks, and there been satisfied, by the date of my letter,
that it was his own fault that he had it not before. But, governed by
the same pragmatical motives which induced me to correspond with him at
first, I was again afraid, truly, with my foolish and busy prescience;
and the disappointment would have thrown him into the way of receiving
fresh insults from the same persons; which might have made him guilty
of some violence to them. And so to save him an apprehended rashness,
I rushed into a real one myself. And what vexes me more is, that it is
plain to me now, by all his behaviour, that he had as great a confidence
in my weakness, as I had in my own strength. And so, in a point entirely
relative to my honour, he has triumphed; for he has not been mistaken in
me, while I have in myself!
Tell me, my dear Miss Howe, tell me truly, if your unbiassed heart does
not despise me?--It must! for your mind and mine were ever one; and
I despise myself!--And well I may: For could the giddiest and most
inconsiderate girl in England have done worse than I shall appear to
have done in the eye of the world? Since my crime will be known without
the provocations, and without the artifices of the betrayer too; while
it will be a high aggravation, that better things were expected from me
than from many others.
You charge me to marry the first opportunity--Ah! my dear! another of
the blessed effects of my folly--That's as much in my power now as--as
I am myself!--And can I besides give a sanction immediately to his
deluding arts?--Can I avoid being angry with him for tricking me thus,
as I may say, (and as I have called it to him,) out of myself?--For
compelling me to take a step so contrary to all my resolutions and
assurances given to you; a step so dreadfully inconvenient to myself; so
disgraceful and so grievous (as it must be) to my dear mother, were I to
be less regardful of any other of my family or friends?--You don't know,
nor can you imagine, my dear, how I am mortified!--How much I am sunk
in my own opinion! I, that was proposed for an example, truly, to
others!--O that I were again in my father's house, stealing down with
a letter to you; my heart beating with expectation of finding one from
you!
*****
This is the Wednesday morning I dreaded so much, that I once thought
of it as the day of my doom: but of the Monday, it is plain, I ought to
have been most apprehensive. Had I staid, and had the worst I
dreaded happened, my friends would then have been answerable for the
consequences, if any bad ones had followed:--but now, I have only this
consolation left me (a very poor one, you'll say!) that I have cleared
them of blame, and taken it all upon myself!
You will not wonder to see this narrative so dismally scrawled. It is
owing to different pens and ink, all bad, and written in snatches of
time; my hand trembling too with fatigue and grief.
I will not add to the length of it, by the particulars of his behaviour
to me, and of our conversation at St. Alban's, and since; because those
will come in course in the continuation of my story; which, no doubt,
you will expect from me.
Only thus much will I say, that he is extremely respectful (even
obsequiously so) at present, though I am so much dissatisfied with
him and myself that he has hitherto had no great cause to praise my
complaisance to him. Indeed, I can hardly, at times, bear the seducer in
my sight.
The lodgings I am in are inconvenient. I shall not stay in them: so it
signifies nothing to tell you how to direct to me hither. And where my
next may be, as yet I know not.
He knows that I am writing to you; and has offered to send my letter,
when finished, by a servant of his. But I thought I could not be too
cautious, as I am now situated, in having a letter of this importance
conveyed to you. Who knows what such a man may do? So very wicked
a contriver! The contrivance, if a contrivance, to get me away, so
insolently mean!--But I hope it is not a contrivance neither!--Yet, be
that as it will, I must say, that the best of him, and of my prospects
with him, are bad; and yet, having enrolled myself among the too-late
repenters, who shall pity me?
Nevertheless, I will dare to hope for a continued interest in your
affections [I shall be miserable indeed if I may not!] and to be
remembered in your daily prayers. For neither time nor accident shall
ever make me cease to be
Your faithful and affectionate CLARISSA HARLOWE.