I think myself obliged to thank you, my dear Miss Howe, for your
condescension, in taking notice of a creature who has occasioned you so
much scandal.
I am grieved on this account, as much, I verily think, as for the evil
itself.
Tell me--but yet I am afraid to know--what your mother said.
I long, and yet I dread, to be told, what the young ladies my
companions, now never more perhaps to be so, say of me.
They cannot, however, say worse of me than I will of myself. Self
accusation shall flow in every line of my narrative where I think I am
justly censurable. If any thing can arise from the account I am going to
give you, for extenuation of my fault (for that is all a person can
hope for, who cannot excuse herself) I know I may expect it from your
friendship, though not from the charity of any other: since by this time
I doubt not every mouth is opened against me; and all that know Clarissa
Harlowe condemn the fugitive daughter.
After I had deposited my letter to you, written down to the last hour,
as I may say, I returned to the ivy summer-house; first taking back my
letter from the loose bricks: and there I endeavoured, as coolly as my
situation would permit, to recollect and lay together several incidents
that had passed between my aunt and me; and, comparing them with some of
the contents of my cousin Dolly's letter, I began to hope, that I needed
not to be so very apprehensive as I have been of next Wednesday. And
thus I argued with myself.
'Wednesday cannot possibly be the day they intend, although to
intimidate me they may wish me to think it is: for the settlements are
unsigned: nor have they been offered me to sign. I can choose whether I
will or will not put my hand to them; hard as it will be to refuse if my
father and mother propose, if I made compulsion necessary, to go to my
uncle's themselves in order to be out of the way of my appeals? Whereas
they intend to be present on Wednesday. And, however affecting to me the
thought of meeting them and all my friends in full assembly is, perhaps
it is the very thing I ought to wish for: since my brother and sister
had such an opinion of my interest in them, that they got me excluded
from their presence, as a measure which they thought previously
necessary to carry on their designs.
'Nor have I reason to doubt, but that (as I had before argued with
myself) I shall be able to bring over some of my relations to my party;
and, being brought face to face with my brother, that I shall expose his
malevolence, and of consequence weaken his power.
'Then supposing the very worst, challenging the minister as I shall
challenge him, he will not presume to proceed: nor surely will Mr.
Solmes dare to accept my refusing and struggling hand. And finally,
if nothing else will do, nor procure me delay, I can plead scruples of
conscience, and even pretend prior obligation; for, my dear, I have give
Mr. Lovelace room to hope (as you will see in one of my letters in your
hands) that I will be no other man's while he is single, and gives me
not wilful and premeditated cause of offence against him; and this in
order to rein-in his resentment on the declared animosity of my brother
and uncles to him. And as I shall appeal, or refer my scruples on this
head, to the good Dr. Lewen, it is impossible but that my mother and
aunt (if nobody else) must be affected with this plea.'
Revolving cursorily these things, I congratulated myself, that I had
resolved against going away with Mr. Lovelace.
I told you, my dear, that I would not spare myself: and I enumerate
these particulars as so many arguments to condemn the actions I have
been so unhappily betrayed into. An argument that concludes against me
with the greater force, as I must acknowledge, that I was apprehensive,
that what my cousin Dolly mentions as from Betty, and from my sister who
told her, that she should tell me, in order to make me desperate, and
perhaps to push me upon some such step as I have been driven to take, as
the most effectual means to ruin me with my father and uncles.
God forgive me, if I judge too harshly of their views!--But if I do not,
it follows, that they laid a wicked snare for me; and that I have been
caught in it.--And now they triumph, if they can triumph, in the ruin of
a sister, who never wished or intended to hurt them!
As the above kind of reasoning had lessened my apprehensions as to the
Wednesday, it added to those I had of meeting Mr. Lovelace--now, as it
seemed, not only the nearest, but the heaviest evil; principally indeed
because nearest; for little did I dream (foolish creature that I
was, and every way beset!) of the event proving what it has proved. I
expected a contention with him, 'tis true, as he had not my letter: but
I thought it would be very strange, as I mentioned in one of my former,*
if I, who had so steadily held out against characters so venerable,
against authorities so sacred, as I may say, when I thought them
unreasonably exerted, should not find myself more equal to such a trial
as this; especially as I had so much reason to be displeased with him
for not having taken away my letter.
On what a point of time may one's worldly happiness depend! Had I but
two hours more to consider of the matter, and to attend to and improve
upon these new lights, as I may call them--but even then, perhaps, I
might have given him a meeting.--Fool that I was! what had I to do to
give him hope that I would personally acquaint him with the reason for
my change of mind, if I did change it?
O my dear! an obliging temper is a very dangerous temper!--By
endeavouring to gratify others, it is evermore disobliging itself!
When the bell rang to call the servants to dinner, Betty came to me
and asked, if I had any commands before she went to hers; repeating
her hint, that she should be employed; adding, that she believed it was
expected that I should not come up till she came down, or till I saw my
aunt or Miss Hervey.
I asked her some questions about the cascade, which had been out of
order, and lately mended; and expressed a curiosity to see how it
played, in order to induce her [how cunning to cheat myself, as it
proved!] to go thither, if she found me not where she left me; it being
a part of the garden most distant from the ivy summer-house.
She could hardly have got into the house when I heard the first
signal--O how my heart fluttered!--but no time was to be lost. I
stept to the garden-door; and seeing a clear coast, unbolted the
already-unlocked door--and there was he, all impatience, waiting for me.
A panic next to fainting seized me when I saw him. My heart seemed
convulsed; and I trembled so, that I should hardly have kept my feet,
had he not supported me.
Fear nothing, dearest creature, said he--let us hasten away--the chariot
is at hand--and, by this sweet condescension, you have obliged me beyond
expression or return.
Recovering my spirits a little, as he kept drawing me after him, O Mr.
Lovelace, said I, I cannot go with you--indeed I cannot--I wrote you
word so--let go my hand, and you shall see my letter. It is lain there
from yesterday morning, till within this half-hour. I bid you watch to
the last for a letter from me, lest I should be obliged to revoke the
appointment; and, had you followed the direction, you would have found
it.
I have been watched, my dearest life, said he, half out of breath--I
have been watched in every step I took: and my trusty servant has been
watched too, ever since Saturday; and dared not to come near your
wall. And here we shall be discovered in a moment.--Speed away, my
charmer--this is the moment of your deliverance--if you neglect this
opportunity, you can never have such another.
What is it you mean, Sir?--Let go my hand: for I tell you [struggling
vehemently] that I will sooner die than go with you.
Good God! said he, with a look of wildness and surprise, what is it I
hear?--But [still drawing me after him, as he retreated farther from the
door] it is no time to argue--by all that's good you must go--surely you
cannot doubt my honour, nor give me cause to question your own.
As you value me, Mr. Lovelace, urge me no farther. I come fixed and
resolved. Let me give you the letter I have written. My further reasons
shall follow; and they will convince you that I ought not to go.
Nothing, Madam, can convince me--by all that's sacred, I will not leave
you. To leave you now, would be to lose you for ever--
Am I to be thus compelled? interrupted I, with equal indignation and
vehemence.--Let go my hands--I am resolved not to go with you--and I
will convince you that I ought not.
All my friends expect you, Madam--all your own are determined against
you--Wednesday next is the day, the important, perhaps the fatal day!
Would you stay to be Solmes's wife?--Can this be your determination at
last?
No, never, never will I be that man's--But I will not go with you! [draw
me not thus--How dare you, Sir? I would not have seen you, but to tell
you so]. I had not met you, but for fear you would have been guilty of
some rashness--and, once more, I will not go--What mean you?--striving
with all my force to get from him.
What can have possessed my angel, said he [quitting my hands, and with a
gentler voice] that after so much ill-usage from your relations; vows so
solemn on my part; an affection so ardent; you stab me with a refusal to
stand by your own appointment?
We have no time to talk, Mr. Lovelace. I will give you my reasons at a
better opportunity. I cannot go with you now--and once more urge me no
farther--surely, I am not to be compelled by every body!
I see how it is, said he, with a dejected but passionate air--What a
severe fate is mine!--At length your spirit is subdued!--Your brother
and sister have prevailed; and I must give up all my hopes to a wretch
so truly despicable--
Once more I tell you, interrupted I, I never will be his--all may end on
Wednesday differently from what you expect--
And it may not!--And then, good heavens!