How the elder Baron lost flesh worrying about the investment of my
money. Effect of his anxiety on the rest of the household. I take
the matter in hand and devise ways to increase my fortune. I become
extremely wealthy. When eight years of age I am seized with an
uncontrollable desire to visit far-away lands, and begin to pack up.
The elder Baron objects. How I set to work to get his consent. Wild
doings of my playfellows. How we stormed the castle, broke up the
hawking, ruined the fox hunt, summoned the ten doctors, and set fire
to the neighboring fields. The elder Baron grows weary of my doings
and consents to let me go. My delight and Bulger’s joy.
[Illustration: THE ELDER BARON AND BARONESS GREW VERY THIN.]
The question which now occupied my father’s mind to the exclusion of all
other thoughts was how to invest this large sum of money, so that upon
my attaining my twenty-first year I would be provided with a
sufficiently large income to live as a baron should—particularly when he
belonged to so famous a family as ours.
The fact of the matter is, my father permitted this question to prey
upon his peace of mind to such an extent that he lost flesh perceptibly.
My mother, too, seeing his lamentable condition began to fret and worry
to such a degree, that she likewise became greatly emaciated. With their
loss of flesh naturally their appetites dwindled and little or no food
was provided; or, anyway, no more than was just sufficient to satisfy
Bulger’s and my wants.
Whereupon the servants began to lose flesh, both the indoor and outdoor
ones; and in their desperate attempt to keep body and soul together, the
horses and cattle were fed upon short rations, and the consequence was,
they, too, soon began to fall away.
So it grew to be quite a serious sight to see my poor father and mother
reduced to mere skin and bones, driven about the country by mere shadows
for coachman and footman, and drawn by four horses whose bones fairly
rattled under their skins when they were coaxed or beaten into a lazy
trot.
Bulger and I alone retained our plumpness and good spirits. At length I
determined to interfere and put a speedy end to this deplorable state of
affairs. I exacted from the elder baron a solemn promise that he would
follow my directions to the letter and not raise any objections, no
matter how wild or unreasonable they might appear to him, or to my
mother.
[Illustration: OUR FAMILY COACHMAN BECOMES NOTHING BUT SKIN AND BONE.]
Then bidding him to partake of some good, succulent food, retire early
and get a nice long sleep, I saluted him respectfully and said:
“Baron, until to-morrow morning!”
I had scarcely finished my breakfast when my door opened and the elder
baron walked into the room.
He looked much refreshed. The color had returned to his cheek, the gleam
to his eye.
He was already a different man.
“Here, gracious Sir,” I began, handing him a parchment roll, “is a list
of all the best known almanac makers in our land. Have interviews with
them at once and purchase from them the right to furnish weather
prognostications for the coming year!”
The elder baron began to expostulate. “Baron!” I remarked sternly,
raising my hand, “a true Knight has but one word to give!”
He was silent and motioned me to continue.
I did so as follows:
“Respected parent, when you have secured this right from each of them,
return to me.”
In a few days my father had accomplished his mission.
He entered my room and put into my hands the needful concessions from
every noted almanac maker in the land.
Again I bade him refresh himself thoroughly, get a good night’s rest and
see me in the morning.
As Bulger and I were returning from breakfast the elder baron presented
himself at the door of my apartments.
He looked strong and well. His face had filled out again and his step
had recovered its old-time elasticity.
Again I placed a roll of parchment in his hands, and said to him:
“Scatter the contents of that parchment evenly and plentifully
throughout each almanac, on the pages devoted to the months of November,
December, January, and February.”
He looked at me inquiringly, and his lips began to move.
“Noble Sir!” said I, ere a sound had issued from his mouth, “in our
family, knights have always been without fear and without reproach.” He
bent his lofty form in silence and withdrew.
Possibly the reader may have a little curiosity to know the contents of
the parchment roll which I placed in the hands of the elder baron on
this occasion.
If brevity be the soul of wit, it was witty. If a fair round hand be the
garb of truth, it was truthful. Be this as it may choose to be, the
words which my pen had traced on that parchment roll, read as follows:
“All signs point to an extremely cold Winter.” “Indications are that the
coming Winter will be the severest for half a century.” “Forecasts all
give the same answer—a Winter of exceptional length and bitter
coldness.” “Most skilled prognosticators agree in predicting a degree of
low temperature rarely reached in these latitudes.” “About this time
expect unusual cold.” “Protect plants.” “Now look well to your winter
vegetables.” “Secure them from the extreme frost.” “Double your supply
of winter fuel.” “Now look for fierce snow-storms.” “Expect bitter cold
weather during all this month.” “Prepare for most unusual hail storms.”
“Be on your guard for sudden and penetrating north winds.” “House cattle
warmly for all this month.” “Beware of deadly blizzards, they will come
with a furious onset.”
After a few days’ absence, my father returned to the manor house. His
arrival was duly announced to me by Bulger, to whom I said: “Go, good
Bulger, and conduct the Baron to my apartment.”
Away he bounded with many a sportive leap and bark, and soon returned,
ushered in the elder baron with the joyous manner so common to him when
active in serving me.
“I have obeyed thee, my son!” murmured the elder baron with a stately
arc in his bending form.
“’Tis well!” I replied, motioning him to be seated.
“And now honored guide of my childhood’s uncertain feet, give heed to my
words: Our task is almost done. In a few days the investment of this
money, which has occasioned thee so much anxiety, fairly robbing thee of
thy heart’s service, will be complete; ay, complete; and, what is better
still, so fortunately invested that thou shalt be enabled to call
thyself the father of one of the richest children in the Kingdom.”
“Hearken, Baron. Go now into the leading markets of the land and put
every fur merchant under written contract to deliver unto thee in early
Autumn all the pelts, dressed, undressed, or on the backs of the owners,
of which they will guarantee the delivery under their hands and seals.”
The words had scarcely fallen from my lips ere the elder baron had risen
from his chair and caught me warmly to his breast.
“My son!” he cried as he stroked my protuberant brow, “it is a master
stroke! It is worthy of a governor of a province! I long to begin the
good work. Permit me to set out this very night!” “Wait baron!” said I,
leading him to his chair and gently constraining him to be seated.
“Wait, Baron; there is somewhat yet to be said. When thou hast completed
the purchase of all the pelts, which are expected to enter the Kingdom
this year, expend the rest of the money in purchasing all the wood, coal
and peat thou canst find, not that I would draw profit from the poor
man’s slender store; but simply to keep others from wronging him by
combining against him, as they would surely do upon the first
publication of the weather predictions.” “Ah, little Baron!” exclaimed
my father, “how thoughtful; for, as thou sayest, we must not lay a
burden on the poor man’s shoulders!”
Such was the diligence with which my father carried my plans to
completion, that in a single month I had bought and sold again the
entire product of the fur market, at a small advance, it is true, but
large enough to make me an extremely rich man.
It was so gently and skillfully done, that no one ever suspected the
clever ruse by which I was enabled to acquire riches enough to set out
upon my travels just as my inclination might prompt, and to know that
were I to be captured and held for ransom by the most grasping
freebooters, my bankers would have gold enough to ransom me.
Upon the completion of my eighth year I was seized with an
uncontrollable desire to enter at once upon the fulfillment of my long
cherished plans, to visit far-away lands inhabited by strange and
curious people. My own home, my own language, my own people, wearied me
and wore upon me.
In my sleep I paced the deck of staunch vessels, shouted my orders,
crowding sail in calm and reefing in threatening weather. I passed my
time from morn till night, packing cases with suitable articles for
traffic with the savages, so that I might be able to penetrate into
interiors never visited by civilized man, and ascend rivers closed since
the world began to the white-winged messengers of trade and commerce.
But, strange to say, my father urged thereto, possibly, by the
entreaties of my mother, firmly and resolutely set his face against my
project of leaving home.
I was beside myself with disappointment. I entreated, I implored, I
threatened. For the first time in my life—it pains me even now to make
the confession—I was guilty of a certain disrespect to the authors of my
being.
Bulger, after studying the situation for several days, reached the
conclusion that the elder baron was in some way the cause of my
unhappiness, and it required, at times, my sternest command to restrain
him from setting his teeth in the calves of the elder baron’s legs as he
quitted my apartment after some stormy interview.
“What!” cried I, in tones tremulous with grief, “am I doomed to waste
the splendid gifts with which nature has endowed me, shut within the
walls of this petty town, whose most boisterous scenes are the brawls of
its market places, whose people never witness a grander pageant than the
passing of a royal troop of horse? It must not, it shall not be. Thou
hast said, thyself, that I am no ordinary child to be amused with ball
and top, and entertained with picture books.”
But the elder baron had hardened his heart, and all my pleading was to
no purpose.
And yet I did not despair of gaining my point in the end.
The continual dropping of water finally wore away the rock. I made up my
mind now to move the elder baron to acquiesce in my project of leaving
home by resorting to entirely different tactics. Said I to myself:
“He wishes me to be a child: I’ll be one!” And forthwith I set about
making friends with every mischievous little rogue in the town.
Not a single juvenile ne’er-do-well escaped my attentions.
The more rampant, active, and tireless his power of mischief, the closer
I wrapped him in my affections.
From gray dawn to dewy eve these chums and boon companions of mine
flocked about the castle. They worshipped me as their leader and yielded
an implicit obedience to my commands as were I possessed of some mastery
over them.
The elder baron saw the gathering cloud and bent his head as if to meet
the coming storm with better chance of resisting it.
Came there a dinner party, the choicest Burgundy was found to have been
spirited away and the bottles filled with common claret. Did the elder
baron meet his friends in the fields for a trial with the hawks, it was
only to discover that they had been so overfed as to sit stupidly placid
when the hood was removed. Let the cook be told that guests were
expected, and that he must be careful to have the little dumplings of
his soup extra delicate, to the elder baron’s horror, a cherry stone
would be found in the centre of each little dumpling.
One of my coadjutors was venturesome enough to pilfer the elder baron’s
snuff box and fill it with pepper. The result may be imagined. Another
took good care to pour water into all the tinder boxes before the guests
called for their pipes. Upon attempting to rise from the table, here and
there a queue would be found securely tied to the back of the chair.
One of my favorite exploits was to station myself on the first landing
of the stairway and “hold the bridge like Horatius Cocles of old,” my
wild band of two dozen young barbarians rushing madly up the staircase
with screams, yells and vociferations which would have done credit to
any horde of real savages I have ever visited, while I, with my wooden
sabre, beat down their sticks, occasionally rapping too bold a youngster
on the knuckles and sending him bawling to the foot of the stairway, to
Bulger’s infinite amusement, as he always insisted upon taking part in
the fray and gloried in my prowess.
At last to my great joy, I noticed that the elder baron showed signs of
surrender.
Like a prudent general I ordered an attack all along the line.
There was to be a fox hunt the next day. I directed one of my trusted
lieutenants to feed the hounds all the raw meat they could swallow,
about an hour before the start.
Ten others, most fleet-footed and glib-tongued, I dispatched to the
houses of the ten leading physicians and surgeons of the town and its
immediate neighborhood, with the same message to each, namely, that
every man, woman and child at the manor house had been taken violently
ill, and that the greatest haste must be made to come with their
medicine chests so that the epidemic might be checked.
[Illustration: THE TEN BOTTLES OF MEDICINE BROUGHT BY THE TEN DOCTORS.]
The ten doctors galloped into the courtyard at nearly the same moment,
only to find the elder baron and his friends gathered on the platform
and holding a whispered consultation over the strange actions of the
hounds. The angry disciples of Galen refused to prescribe for the poor
animals, and galloped away again with their well-filled holsters
thumping against their legs.
Meanwhile I had not been idle.
To the claws of a score or more of the elder baron’s fowls I tied a kind
of fuzee of my own invention, so inflammable that the slightest friction
would cause it to burst into flame, and then I turned them loose in the
fields and garden adjoining the family hall.
They had been cooped up all the Summer, and were overjoyed at the
prospect of a good, comfortable scratching time ’mid the dry leaves and
stubble of the open fields.
The gamekeepers by this time had succeeded in arousing the hounds
somewhat from their stupor, when the cry of “fire! fire!” went up. The
hunting party hastily dismounted and joined the servants in the mad rush
for buckets of water.
I was sitting calmly in my apartment, with Bulger by my side, when the
alarm was raised.
The elder baron at first was inclined to think that although my
workmanship was plainly visible in the fabrics of mischief, which
consisted in overfeeding the hounds and summoning the ten doctors to the
manor house on a wild goose chase, yet the breaking out of the fire in
the neighboring gardens and fields was really something with which I had
nothing to do. The return of a venerable old Dominick rooster, which had
been either too feeble or too lazy to explode the fuzees attached to his
claws, settled the matter, however.
The elder baron’s mind was now clear as to who had conceived the crime
in which his poor fowls had so unwittingly become the accomplices.
That night Bulger and I went to bed with light hearts.
The elder baron had at last consented to let us set out on our first
journey in quest of strange adventures among the curious people of
far-away lands.
[Illustration: THE FOWLS THAT WOULDN’T SCRATCH, AND SO BETRAYED ME.]