SCENE IV.--Mrs. TIDMARSH'S _Drawing-room_; MR. TIDMARSH _has just
shaken hands with the latest arrival, and is still in the utmost
perplexity as to the best manner to adopt towards him. The other
Guests are conversing, with increased animation, at the further
end of the room._
_Lord Strathsporran_ (_to_ Mr. TIDMARSH). Afraid I'm most abominably
late--had some difficulty in getting here--such a fog, don't you know!
It's really uncommonly good of you to let me come and see your
antiquities like this. If I am not mistaken, you have got together a
collection of sepulchral objects worth coming any distance to study. [_He
glances round the room, in evident astonishment._
_Mr. Tid._ (_to himself_). Nice names to give my dinner-party! Impudent
young dog, this--Lord or no Lord! (_Aloud, with dignity._)
I--ha--hum--don't think that's quite the way to speak of them, Sir--my
Lord, I suppose I _ought_ to say!
_Lord Strath._ Oh, I expect a most interesting evening, I assure you.
_Mr. Tid._ Well, I--I daresay you'll have no cause to complain, so far as
_that_ goes, Lord--er--STRATH--you'll excuse me, but I haven't _quite_
got accustomed to that title of yours.
_Lord Strath._ (_smiling_). Not surprised at that--feel much the same
myself.
_Mr. Tid._ Ha--well, to tell you the honest truth, I should have been
just as pleased if you had come here _without_ any handle of that sort to
your name.
_Lord Strath._ Quite unnecessary to tell me so--and, you see, I couldn't
very well help myself.
_Mr. Tid._ (_to himself_). BLANKLEY sends 'em _all_ out with titles--then
his _is_ bogus! (_Aloud._) Oh, I don't blame _you_, if it's the rule;
only--(_irritably_)--well, it makes me feel so devilish _awkward_, you
know!
_Lord Strath._ Extremely sorry--don't know why it should. (_To himself._)
Queer little chap my host. Don't _look_ the Egyptologist exactly. And
where does he keep all his things? Downstairs, I suppose. (_He turns, and
recognises_ Miss SEATON.) MARJORY SEATON--here! and I've been trying to
hear something of her ever since I came back from Gîzeh--this _is_ luck!
(_To her._) How do you do, Miss SEATON? No idea we should meet like this!
_Miss Seaton_ (_in a low constrained voice_). Nor I, Mr. CLAYMORE. [Mr.
TIDMARSH _catches his Wife's eye, and crosses to her._
_Mrs. Tid._ (_sotto voce_). MONTAGUE, isn't it time you introduced me to
this Lord Whatever-it-is? As the person of highest rank here, he
certainly ought to take _me_ in!
[Illustration: "I look upon him simply as a human being."]
_Mr. Tid._ He's _done_ it, MARIA. He's no more a Lord than I am. Miss
SEATON knows him--I just heard her call him "Mr. CLAYTON," or some name
like that!
_Mrs. Tid._ (_aghast._) So _this_ is the sort of person you _would_ go and
engage! He'll be found out, MONTAGUE, I can see Uncle edging up towards
him already. And anyhow, you know what his opinions are. A pretty scrape
you've got us into! Don't stand gaping--bring the man up to me this
minute--I must give him a hint to be careful. (_Lord S. is led up and
presented._) Sit down here, please, in this corner, Lord--(_with a
vicious emphasis_)--STRATH-_BLANKLEY_. (Lord. S. _obeys in mild
amazement._) Really, my husband and I were _hardly_ prepared for so
_aristocratic_ a guest--we are such plain humdrum people that a title--a
_real_ title like your _lordship's_--ahoo!--(_with an acid titter_)--is,
well--_rather_ overwhelming. I only hope you will be able to--er--sustain
it, or otherwise----
_Lord Strath._ (_lifting his eyebrows._) Am I to understand that you did
not expect me, after all? Because, if so,--I----
_Mrs. Tid._ Oh, yes, we _expected_ you, and of course, you will be
treated exactly the same as everybody else--except--I don't know if my
husband warned you about not touching the champagne? No? Oh, well, you
will drink _claret_ please, _not_ champagne. I daresay you prefer it.
_Lord Strath._ Thank you, I should indeed--if you have any misgivings
about your champagne.
_Mrs. Tid._ We must draw _some_ distinction between you and our regular
guests, as I'm sure you'll understand.
_Lord Strath._ (_to himself._) Poor devils--if they only knew! But what
an unspeakable snob this woman is! I'd give something to get out of this
house--if it wasn't for MARJORY. I must have a word with her before
dinner--strikes me she's put out with me about something or other.
_Mrs. Gilwattle_ (_to her Husband_). Did you ever see anything like the
way MARIA'S talking to that young nobleman, GABRIEL? as easy and composed
as if she'd kept such company all her life--it's a wonder how she can
_do_ it!
_Uncle Gab._ Look at the finishing she's had! And after all, he's flesh
and blood like ourselves. She might introduce you and me to him,
though--it looks as if she was ashamed of her own relations. I shall go
up and introduce myself in a minute, and do what I can to make the young
fellow feel himself at home. (_Intercepting_ Lord S. _in the act of
moving towards_ Miss SEATON.) Excuse me, my Lord, but, as the uncle of
our worthy host and hostess, I should like the honour of shaking you by
the hand. (_He shakes hands._) My name's GILWATTLE, my Lord, and I ought
to tell you before I go any further that I've no superstitious reverence
for rank. Whether a man's a lord or a linen-draper, is exactly the same
to me--I look upon him dimply as a human being.
_Lord Strath._ Quite so? he--ah--generally _is_, isn't he?
_Uncle Gab._ Very handsome of your Lordship to admit it, I'm sure--but
what I _mean_ to say is, I regard any friend of my niece and nephew's as
a friend of mine--be he a Duke or be he a Dustman.
_Lord Strath._ Unhappily for me, I'm neither a Duke nor a Dustman,
and--er--will you kindly excuse me? (_To himself as he passes on._) That
old gentleman makes me quite ill. Ah, MARJORY at last! (_To_ Miss
SEATON.) You've scarcely spoken a word to me yet! I hoped somehow you'd
look a little pleased to see me--after all this time!
_Miss Seaton._ Pleased? I can hardly be that under the circumstances, Mr.
CLAYMORE!
_Lord Strath._ Well, I only thought--we used to be such friends once. You
seem so changed!
_Miss Seaton._ I am not the only one who is changed, I think. You seem to
have changed everything--even your name. What ought I to call you, by the
way, I didn't catch it exactly. "Lord SOMEBODY," wasn't it?
_Lord Strath._ Never mind the confounded name, I have heard quite enough
of it already! It's not my fault if I'm what I am. _I_ never wanted to be
STRATHSPORRAN!
_Miss Seaton._ Then you really are Lord STRATHSPORRAN! Oh, DOUGLAS, how
_could_ you?
_Lord Strath._ I didn't. It was all that accident to my poor uncle and
cousin. And I'm about the poorest Peer in Scotland; if _that's_ any
excuse for me!
_Miss Seaton._ How can it be any excuse for your coming here? Have you no
pride, DOUGLAS!
_Lord Strath._ My goodness, what is there to be proud about? Why
_shouldn't_ I dine with anybody, provided----?
_Miss Seaton._ Please don't excuse yourself--I can't bear it. You _know_
it is unworthy of you to be here!
_Lord Strath._ I don't indeed. I came here simply as a----
_Miss Seaton._ Don't trouble to tell me--I know _everything_. And--and
you ought to have _died_ rather than descend to this!
_Lord Strath._ Ought I? Died, eh? That never occurred to me; and, after
all, MARJORY, _you_'re here! What's wrong? What have I let myself in for?
_Miss Seaton_ (_bitterly_). What have you let yourself _out_ for, you
mean, don't you?
_Lord Strath._ (_mystified_). _I_ don't know! I believe my man let me
out; and, anyway, what _does_ it matter now I've come? There's dinner
announced. MARJORY, before we're separated, just tell me what on earth
I've done to deserve this sort of thing!
_Miss Seaton_ (_with a little gesture of despair_). Is it possible you
want to be told how _horribly_ you have disappointed me!
[_The couples are forming to go down._
_Lord Strath._ (_stiffly_). I can only say the disappointment is mutual!
[_He moves away, and awaits his hostess's directions._
_Little Gwennie_ (_stealing up to her Governess_). Oh, Miss SEATON,
_haven't_ I been good? I've kept quite quiet in a corner, and I haven't
said a single word to anybody ever since he came. But _what_ nice
Gentlemen BLANKLEY does send, doesn't he?
_Mrs. Tid._ (_on_ Uncle GABRIEL'S _arm_). Oh, I quite forgot _you_,
Lord--ah--STRATHPORRIDGE. As you and Miss SEATON seem to be already
acquainted, perhaps you will have the goodness to take her down? You will
sit on my left--on the fireplace side--and--(_in a whisper_)--the less
you say the better!
_Lord Strath._ I am _quite_ of your opinion. (_To himself._) Can't make
my hostess out, for the life of me--or MARJORY either, if it comes to
that! This is going to be a lively dinner-party, I can see!
[_He gives his arm to_ Miss SEATON, _who accepts it without looking
at him; they go downstairs in constrained silence._
(_End of Scene IV._)
* * * * *
QUEER QUERIES.--CITY IMPROVEMENTS.--How much longer are we to wait for
the widening of the whole of Cheapside, the removal of the Post-Office
Buildings to a more convenient site, and the total and unconditional
sweeping away of Paternoster Row and the south side of Newgate Street?
These slight alterations are _imperatively required_. They will only cost
about ten millions, and what are ten millions to the Corporation? As I
purchased the five square yards on which my little tobacco-shop is built
in confident expectation of being bought out at a high figure, I consider
that any further delay in the matter involves something like a breach of
public faith. Why should not the Government help? They have lots of
money, and I haven't.--DISINTERESTED.
* * * * *
"FACTS AND FIGURES."--The business of the Labour Commissioner has to be
very delicately managed. There must be a good deal of "give and take" in
the work. However much "taking" there may be, there is sure to be plenty
of _Giffen_.
* * * * *