_The Drugster in relating his Life, discovers several Cheats which he
performed under the Cloak of Religion; as also how he cheated his
Masters Sister of her Maiden-head and Estate; and several Cheats in
Smuckling._
Though the whole course of my Life, from my Infancy to this time, hath
been a continued piece of _Knavery_, I having been of many Trades, and
most Factions in Religion, in which I have always been a very great
stickler: yet I shall not give you any account of my minority, omitting
all my actions till I came to about twenty years of age, when I had
gained some experience in the world, and had learned how to play my
Cards to the best advantage.
I served an Apprentiship with a Master, whose whole Family, consisting
of himself, Wife, Sister, and four Servants, was an absolute Compendium
of most Religious Factions then practised in _England_: He himself was a
strict rigid Presbyterian; his Wife, a Ranter; his Sister, an
Anabaptist; three of the Servants Independants, but of several Churches
and Perswasions; and I, though an Independant, being of all Religions,
yet was of none at all, that gave them all the hearing; and with my
Master was a Presbyterian, and would ordinarily accompany him in his
long-winded prayers, which being filled with tautologies and nonsence,
he esteemed, and often used, believing himself to be assisted with a
Divine Spirit. Many absurdities he committed in his Devotion, as praying
for the Reformation of his Family, and pointing out a time when he
should or would have a return of his Prayers, at which time he would
charge Providence with the fault; he having strictly observed all the
Commandments, in Fasting, Praying, relieving the Brethren, and
performing all other Duties which Sir _John_ his Ghostly father had
imposed on him. He would often recount the particular enormities of his
Wife and Family, and how she lay out from him three nights together in a
week, and where she was; and would earnestly pray for, either her
conversion or confusion. Many other impertinencies would he commit,
which would be too tedious to me to recount: but in general, I found his
zeal to be a weakness in his brain, and he was continually led about as
Sir _John Presbyter_ directed.
My Mistress was likewise led about by those of her Gang, which were
absolute Libertines, affording themselves all manner of pleasure, and
denying themselves the injoyment of nothing they could purchase; and she
would pretend Religion in all her frollicks: for she would say, That _no
sin was imputed to the Saints_; and indeed it was no sin, unless she her
self thought it so. That she, or any other Sister, might lie with
another Brother, was accounted a general maxime amongst them, especially
if they chose their time when their Husbands are asleep, which they
termed to be dead, and therefore might then do it without breach of any
Commandment. She would be very costly both in her Apparel and diets
alleadging, that it was not fit, that the Body _which was a sacred
Temple_, should be coursly either clothed or fed. I had a great mind to
have been of her Religion, because there was so much freedom and
enjoyments therein; but my Master kept me in a little too strictly; and
my Mistress keeping company with the High-boys, slighted the tender of
my service. Thus having failed in this attempt, I made my way to my
Mistresses Sister, who was an Anabaptist; she I often waited on by my
Mistresses commands, and at length was admitted to be one of the
Brethren in the Conventicle, whereof she was a Sister; I professed a
great deal of zeal for that way, and my Master often instructed me in
Scripture, I soon from a proficient became a Preacher, and was of great
eminency amongst them.
* * * * *
Thus did I spend my time till my Apprenticeship was out, and I was a
freeman; and then did I begin to look about me, to see what I might get
for my self: for I had never undertaken this course of Teaching, but in
hopes to gain my Mistresses Sister; and she still put me off till I was
out of my time, pleading tenderness of Conscience would not permit her
to give me any enjoyment of her before Marriage, and that could not
lawfully be done, till my time was out; which being come, I freshly
courted her, and she gave me the hearing, but still put me off desiring
me first to settle my self in the World. I now believing that she
intended to delude me was resolved to play the same hand at Cards with
her; and perswading her that I still gained somewhat of an Estate by my
dealings in the World, I spent some moneys on her, and taking my
opportunity gained my ends upon her; for pretending that I had lately
made a bargain, whereby I should get 100_l._ if I had fifty pound ready
money more then my own, which was likewise fifty pound; She having
moneys by her, willingly consented to lend me fifty pound, provided that
she might see the disbursing thereof. I then thinking to kill two Birds
with one stone, readily consented; and heartily thanking her, desired
her to provide her self to go with me next Tide to _Gravesend_, where I
was to lay out the moneys: she did accordingly, and carrying fifty pound
with her, I having raised such another sum, we took boat and made for
_Gravesend_, where when we arrived, I left her to rest herself at an
Inn, and went on board a Ship that was newly come from the Indies, and
bought as much Indigo as came to 150_l._ I had it a very good penny
worth, but not so good as to perswade her that I should gain 100_l._ by
it, which I had promised: wherefore that I might make out the matter to
be plain to her, I engaged the Seaman I had dealt withal to secrecy, and
made this bargain, that I would pay him 100_l._ down, and pay the rest
in two moneths, telling him that I was a great dealer. He believing me
without much difficulty, not only consented to this, but also to say,
that he had but 100 l. for all the Commodity; we having thus agreed,
went to my Sweet-hearts Chamber, and there concluded our bargain before
her; who having some skil in the price of that Commodity, did believe
the bargain to be as profitable as I alledged to her, and freely laid
down her money, which together with my fifty pound was paid to the
Seaman, and the goods delivered into a Lighter to be carried to
_London_, and delivered according to order.
This affair being dispatch’d, I was resolved to drive the nayl home a
little further, and as I had got the money, so to get the maid;
wherefore I pretending expedition, told her, it would be most convenient
for us to ride home: she wholly confiding in me, consented thereto, and
a horse was procured to carry us double; mounted we were, and so
advanced on our journy; but pretending some business, I made an halt at
the next Town home wards, where I did my Horse the unkindness to prick
him in the foot, that he might halt, and not be able to carry us through
that night; this being done, we again mounted, and I fell to thanking my
Mistress for this great favour, not only in assisting me with her purse,
but accommodating me with her Company; and now, said I, I hope you will
no longer delay me the enjoyment of yourself, and the rest of your
Estate. Truly, said she, this days action hath resolved me of all
doubts, and now I have so good opinion of you, that I shall no longer
delay our marriage, then shall stand with your conveniency. To this I
returned answer full of love and kindness. Our horse by this time felt
the effects of my work, for he halted so much, that we could only go a
foot pace, and with much difficulty came to the next Town, where we were
forced to alight; and it now growing late, and impossible to get to
_London_ that night, we resolved to take up our quarters for the
present.
* * * * *
I having placed my Mistress in a Private Chamber, went into the Stable,
and soon removed the obstruction that hindred our horse from going, so
that by the next morning he was well enough able to travel, I left him
to the care of the Hostler, and went up to my Mistress, who expected me
to supper, which I had ordered to be provided for us, and that being
ready, I invited our Landlady to be a guest: though our Commons were but
short, being only one Chicken, yet I made a long Grace, which according
to our custome, might amount to a prayer; and I remember that among
other matters, I prayed that our horse might be so well recovered, as
that he might be able to carry us next day to _London_: our Landlady
soon understanding what kind of Guests she had, believing that she
should get little by our Company, was desirous of leaving it, which she
did, by pretending business, and so we had the whole Chicken left us for
our own eating, we hardly made or left any bones of it, so hungry we
were. Supper being ended, we went to the fire, and I designing my
business, call’d for a Quart of Claret, which we burn’d, sweetned, and
drank off; and by this time my Mistress was so sweet upon me, that we
talked very familiarly and pleasantly, and oftentimes I interlaced our
Discourses with kisses and amorous sighs, to which I was welcomed, and
many times invited; I then called for another Quart of Wine, which we
likewise drank off; and then I found my Mistress was very full of the
Creature, so that she drew neer to the bed, and at length cast her self
thereon; I was not long after her, but lay down likewise, and first
beginning with embraces and kisses, in a little time I gained possession
of all my endeavors she lying as fast asleep all the while; but when I
had done, and was again laid by her, she started up, and seemed to be
very angry with me; but I supposing that it was because I had so soon
done, catched hold of her, and attempted to be at her again; but in vain
did I endeavour it, for she then began to be angry, reproaching me with
dishonesty, and using many canting terms, which I omit: I told her, what
was done could not be undone, and therefore comforted her, and told her
all should be well by our sudden Marriage: thus did I appease her, and
we soon agreed upon every thing; so that though I was appointed another
Chamber, which I pretended to lodge in, yet I lay all night with her.
The next morning we arose betime; and mounting our horse, who was now
well enough, we soon arrived at _London_, where for the present we
parted. I having thus gained my ends of this woman, having part of her
Estate in my possession, and by the enjoyment of her person having the
command of the rest, was resolved only to abuse her; strip her of what
she had, and so leave her: for I found no such sweetness in my nights
lodging with her, but what I might expect from another; having before
that tasted woman in the enjoyment of two or three of our Sisters, which
passages I omit, and tell this to acquaint you how this woman undid
herself by her Covetousness, for had she not distrusted me with her
money, I should have married her, but now my minde was otherwise bent.
I received my Goods, and now my stock being much encreased by this fifty
pound, and the profit of my bargain; I paid the Seaman, and proceeded in
Trading: and though I had little skill in forreign Commodities yet I
ventured at all, neither did I want Money, for instead of paying back
the fifty pound to my Mistress, I soon after had 100_l._ more, and yet
she could not perswade me to marriage, I still pretending multiplicity
of business: at length, all her portion, being 400_l._ got into my
hands, I only paid her with a nights lodging, which now and then we had
together; but as to marriage, I still pretended one reason or other to
defer it.
I not only proceeded in my Merchandizing, but continued in my preaching
at our usual Conventicles, where I was become very famous, and a great
disputant; but at length I finding there was little to be gotten by them
(and my principle being always to gain what I could) I became now almost
weary of them, and willing to leave that Congregation for another that
courted me, but I was resolved ere I left them to make some use of them,
and get somewhat of them. I thus laid my Plot: I gave a bond to a
Confederate for 100_l_, pretending that I owed so much to him; I gave
out, that I would on such a day not only preach to my Congregation, but
also Dispute with any opposer on several Articles. The time being come,
I had a full Auditory, and performed my Preachment and Disputation to
the general satisfaction of all? and then appointed that the next day I
would hold forth some other points, that had not as yet been disputed
of, inviting all the Congregation, and all others that would come, to
meet me in a larger room then that was wherein we exercised at present.
Thus having finished my Discourse I dismissed my Auditors; but I was no
sooner out of the house, but I was seized on by a bailiff, in Execution
for 200_l._ for my Confederate who had the bond, had brought it to
Judgment: I was then accompanied by two or three of my Congregation, who
much wondring at the business, desired the Bailiff to have patience, and
go into the next House, which we did; and the Case being opened, I
confessed the Debt, withal alleadging that I was not at present able to
pay it, having lately ventured most of my Estate to Sea. Those of my
Congregation hearing this (and being much grieved that their Pastor
should be thus snatch’d from them, especially when he had deserved so
well) sent for some more of their brethren, who were monied men; and so
among them they paid the debt, and I was discharged: but soon after
this, I left them, and they were forced to make a Collection or
gathering among themselves to reimburse themselves their moneys; and my
Mistress, who had been all this while delayed by me with fair words,
made her complaints to the brethren, but to no purpose, for she received
no redress or satisfaction, I having now quite left them and their
faction for another, where by reason of my ability in preaching, I was
entertained, and an accord made between me and my quondam Mistress, I
only giving her back fifty pound of her four hundred; we being now
absolutely parted from one another, she receiving no other satisfaction
of me, either for her many nights lodging or money, then fifty pound,
which she willingly received, believing me to be a beggar; my new
Congregation voluntarily raising that money for me for that purpose.
Thus was I quit of her, and had gained five hundred pound in my pocket,
only under the cloak of Religion; and having such success, I in short
time discovered my self to be rich, by buying many bargains of good
value, paying ready mony, and raised my self to so high a reputation,
that I won a widdow of an indifferent fortune to be my wife, and so
settled my self in the World.
As for my preaching-trade, I finding that it had already done me as much
service as I expected from it, I left it, for I had now a wife and
money, and for that end, and to get them, I took it up, and being
provided with both, I left it, but especially finding that it grew every
day into disesteem, it being about the time of his Majesties happy
Return; when instead of a preaching Fanatick; I quickly faced about, and
leaving my congregational friends, I enquired out, and procured Cavalier
acquaintance, so that I (who a little before the Kings coming home, was
used to wear short Hair, and was modest and precise in my habit) had now
a large Perriwig, a great Plume of Feathers, and all other accoutrements
accordingly, being still diligent on all occasions to associate my self
with the Captain and chief Officers of the Trained Bands of our Company,
into whose acquaintance and Society I soon insinuated my self, by my
Gallantry in my habit, and expences in Taverns being conformable.
Thus did I become a Gentleman, and from a Precisian a Prodigal, nay, an
Antick, and every thing, what not? that I might please all: for instead
of a Prayer-book, or some other Fanatical piece of divinity, I now
carried in my pocket, either Cards or Dice, and so great a love I had to
_Hocus Pocus_, that all their Tools, _viz._, Box of Counters, Balls,
Cups, and other Trinkets which are made use of in that mysterious
function, were all my Companions: having learned confidence when I was a
Preacher, I was now the better emboldned to stare my Spectators in the
face, while I cunningly enough performed my feats of activity; and such
a readiness I had, that I was accounted an able proficient. I spent so
much time in these fooleries, that I almost lost my self; and now having
a wife and family to maintain, I found my Estate so far to decrease,
that I was forced to look after my business, and fall to Merchandizing:
but having lost a considerable part of my Estate which I had adventured
at Sea, I was resolved, as I said, to trust no more to that Element, and
not to let my Estate go out of my sight; wherefore I still as shipping
came in, went on board, either in the _Downs_, _Portsmouth_, or
_Plymouth_, and there buying good bargains, which the Seamen, newly come
home would afford for ready Money, I began to prick up again, and have
Money at command; I then bought me a small Pinnace or small Pleasure
boat; and with that went on board of Ships, bought Goods, and made a
shift to stow as much on board privately, that I saved much by the
customes and other duties. This Trade I drove a long time, gaining much
by stealing Duties; neither did I care what Goods I dealt in, having
Customers of all sorts and Trades, who knowing that I drave this Trade,
employed me to buy for them, agreeing the prizes before hand: but I was
snap’d one time, and all my goods seized for not paying duties, and an
Information put into the Exchequer against me: I finding that it would
be but a folly to contend there, agreed with the Informer, and he
suffered me to cast him; so that I got off for a sum of money, but I
gained much experience thereby, so that I then began a new Trade, and
would engage many of my Friends to go and buy Goods on board of Ships,
and if they got them clear from the Ships-sides it was enough, for I
would come immediately in another Boat, as if a stranger, and seize the
Goods as forfeited for want of the payment of duties, and so secure them
from any other seizure; and if any other person came to seize them, I
then pretended it to be my business, having made the first seizure, but
if we were not met with by another, then we passed clear without any
more trouble: nay, so bold and confident was I grown in this kind of
Trade, called _Smuckling_, that I have had fifty and an hundred pound at
a time given me to go over into _Holland_ or _France_ in a Ship which
hath brought much prohibited goods, which I have seized so soon as we
came near any Port of _England_, to prevent any other seizure; and then
putting an information into the Exchequer, have suffered costs against
me, and all hath been clear. I gained not only much money by this means,
but also the esteem of a cunning subtile fellow, and was employed in
many such affairs, and sometimes in Law-suits.
I remember once I came into Company with a very fair Lady, who having an
old cross-grain’d fellow to her Husband, had not only lived from him for
some time, but was so foolish as to be married to another person, who
was a Gentleman of much worth and merit. The Ladies old Husband
(understanding thus much and more out of Covetousness of gaining money,
which he believed the Gentleman would on this occasion part from, then
any love he bore his Wife) hunted them out from one place to another,
and the young Gentleman refusing to comply with the old Knights desires,
he was resolved now to prosecute her for Life.
This Story was told me by the Gentleman himself, and the Lady assured me
of the truth of the matter, imploring my assistance: Well, Madam, said
I, come, be ruled by me, and I will disappoint your old Husband, and you
shall laugh at him. Having considered the matter, I ordered her to go
next day into the Country, above 100 miles from _London_, and there to
expect me, and obey my further orders, this she did; and I soon
following her, and the Assizes beginning the next day, I got a Warrant
to apprehend and bring her before the bench, she came, and I charged her
with having two Husbands, she denying, and I alledging the matter, she
was committed, and an Indictment brought in; but when she was to be
try’d, I was not to be found, nor any person else to prosecute her: so
that she was quit by proclamation. A Copy of this Process I took out of
the Court, and so she and I came to _London_, to the Gentleman her
friend, who gladly welcomed us, and now they live together in spight of
the old Knight, who attempting to trouble them, found it in vain, for
she could not be tryed for one fact twice.
This feat did I, meerly out of my own apprehension and fancy, and it
succeeding according to my wishes, and I had a considerable reward for
my pains.
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