Effie had darted away from the side of her father and uncle in one of
those _accès_ of impatience which are common to the young and
inexperienced. She had no training in that science of endurance which is
one of the chief bulwarks of life. Everything had become intolerable to
her. She “could not bear it,” words which are so often said, but which
in most cases mean little more than the unavailing human cry against the
hardships to which we have all to submit, and which most of us learn
must be borne after all whatever may be the struggle. By times the
young, the unprepared, the undisciplined fly out and will not submit,
to the confusion of their own existence first, and that of all others
involved.
Effie meant little more than this uncontrollable expression of
impatience, and sense of the intolerableness of the circumstances, when
she loosed her arm from that of Uncle John, and fled--she knew not
where. She was not far off, standing trembling and excited among the
shadows, while they called her and searched for her along the different
paths; and when they went hastily into the house on the supposition that
she had found her way there, her heart for a moment failed her, and an
inclination to realize their thoughts, to escape no farther than to the
seclusion and safety of her own room, crossed her mind like one of the
flying clouds that were traversing the sky. But not only her excitement
and rebellion against the treason which she was being compelled to, but
even her pride was now in arms, preventing any return.
She stood among the trees, among the evening damps, for some time after
the gentlemen had disappeared, thought after thought coursing through
her brain. Her determination was unchanged to go South by the night
train, though she had no clear idea what was next to be done when she
should reach London, that great fabulous place where she had never been,
and of which she had not the faintest understanding. She would seek out
Fred, tell him that she would stand by him whatever his trouble might
be--that nothing should detach her from his side--that if he was poor
that was all the more reason.
So far as this went, Effie knew what to say, her heart was full of
eloquence and fervour. The intermediate steps were difficult, but that
was easy. She had been shy with him and reticent, receiving what he
gave, listening to what he said, of herself giving little. But now a new
impulse possessed her. She would throw herself heart and soul into his
fortunes. She would help him now that he needed her. She would be true,
ah! more than that as she had said--she could not be false--it was an
impossibility. Now that he was in need she was all his to work or watch,
to console or to cheer as might be most needful--his by the securest,
most urgent of bonds, by right of his necessities.
The enthusiasm which she had never felt for Fred came now at the thought
of his poverty and loss. She could smile in the force of her resolution
at the folly of the woman who thought this would break the tie between
them; break it! when it made it like steel.
This fire in her heart kept Effie warm, and glowed about her with a
semblance of passion; but first there was a difficult moment which she
did not know how to pass. Had the train gone at once all would have
been easy; but it would not go yet for hours, and she could not pass the
time standing on the damp grass, her feet getting wet, her damp skirts
clinging about her, the wintry dews dropping upon her, under those
trees. She began to think and ask herself where she would go to wait and
get a little warm before it should be time for the train.
To Rosebank? but they were on the other side she reflected, with a vague
pang and misty passing realization of all that the other side meant. She
had been on the other side herself, against her will, till to-day; but
not now, oh, not now! She felt the pang, like a cutting asunder, a
tearing away; but would not dwell upon it, felt it only in passing. No,
she would not go into the atmosphere of the other side.
And how could she go to the manse where Uncle John would beg and pray to
go instead of her, which was so very different; for Effie required not
only to demonstrate her strong faithfulness, but to keep it up, to keep
it in the state of passion.
Then there suddenly came upon her a gleam of illumination. Yes! that was
the only place to go. To whom but to those who would suffer with him,
who would have need also of strengthening and encouragement, who had
such a change before them, and so much occasion for the support of their
friends--could Effie betake herself? It did not occur to her that Doris
and Phyllis, under the influence of depression and loss, were almost
inconceivable, and that to cheer them by the sympathy and backing up of
a little girl like herself, was something which the imagination failed
to grasp. Not that thought, but the difficulties of the way chilled her
a little. The dark, dark road over the brae which reached the waterside
close to the churchyard, the little path by the river, the wide,
silent, solitary park--all this made her shiver a little.
But she said to herself with a forlorn rallying of her forces that such
trifles mattered nothing, that she was beyond thinking of anything so
unimportant, that there was the place for her, that she must go to his
sisters to give them confidence, to comfort them on Fred’s account, to
say, “I am going to him, to stand by him.” They who knew him so well,
would know that when she said that, all was said, and Fred’s strength
and endurance secured.
This decision was made very rapidly, the mental processes being so much
quicker than anything that is physical, so that the sound of the door
closing upon Mr. Ogilvie and Mr. Moubray had scarcely died out of the
echoes before she set forth. She walked very quickly and firmly so long
as it was the highroad, where there were cottage lights shining here
and there and an occasional passer-by, though she shrank from sight or
speech of any; but when she came to the darker by-way over the hill, it
was all Effie’s courage could do to keep her going.
There was light in the sky, the soft glimmer of stars, but it did not
seem to get so far as the head of the brae, and still less down the
other side, where it descended towards the water. Down below at the
bottom of the ravine the water itself, indeed, was doubly clear; the sky
reflected in it with a wildness and pale light which was of itself
enough to frighten any one; but the descending path seemed to change and
waver in the great darkness of the world around, so that sometimes it
appeared to sink under Effie’s feet, receding and falling into an abyss
immeasurable, which re-acted upon the gloom, and made the descent seem
as steep as a precipice.
Her little figure, not distinguishable in the darkness, stumbling
downwards, not seeing the stones and bushes that came in her way, seemed
a hundred times as if about to fall down, down, into the depths, into
that dark clearness, the cold gulf of the stream. Sometimes she slid
downward a little, and then thought for a dizzy moment that all was
over--sometimes stumbled and felt that she was going down headlong,
always feeling herself alone, entirely alone, between the clear stars
overhead and the line of keen light below.
Then there came the passage of the churchyard, which was full of
solemnity. Effie saw the little huddled mass of the old chapel against
the dim opening out of the valley in which the house of Allonby lay--and
it looked to her like a crouching figure watching among the dead, like,
perhaps, some shadow of Adam Fleming or his murdered Helen in the place
where she fell.
As soon as she got on level ground the girl flew along, all throbbing
and trembling with terror. Beyond lay the vague stretches of the park,
and the house rising in the midst of the spectral river mists, soft and
white, that filled it--the lights in the windows veiled and indistinct,
the whole silent, like a house of shadows. Her heart failed although she
went on, half flying, towards it, as to a refuge. Effie by this time had
almost forgotten Fred. She had forgotten everything except the terrors
of this unusual expedition, and the silence and solitude and all the
weird influences that seemed to be about her. She felt as if she was
outside of the world altogether, a little ghost wandering over the
surface of the earth. There seemed to be no voice in her to call out for
help against the darkness and the savage silence, through which she
could not even hear the trickle of the stream: nothing but her own
steps flying, and her own poor little bosom panting, throbbing, against
the unresponsive background of the night.
Her footsteps too became inaudible as she got upon the turf and
approached close to Allonby. All was silent there also; there seemed no
sound at all as if any one was stirring, but only a dead house with
faint spectral lights in the windows.
She stopped and took breath and came to herself, a little calmed by the
neighbourhood of a human habitation in which there must be some
inhabitants though she could not hear them. She came to herself more or
less, and the pulsations of terror in her ears beat less overwhelmingly,
so that she began to be able to think again, and ask herself what she
should do. To go to the great door, to wake all the echoes by knocking,
to be met by an unconcerned servant and ushered in as if she were an
ordinary visitor, all agitated and worn by emotion as she was, was
impossible.
It seemed more natural, everything being out of rule, to steal round the
house till she found the window of the room in which the girls were
sitting, and make her little summons to them without those impossible
formalities, and be admitted so to their sole company. The lawn came
close up under the windows, and Effie crept round one side of the house,
finding all dark, with a feeling of discouragement as if she had been
repulsed. One large and broad window a little in advance showed,
however, against the darkness, and though she knew this could not be a
sitting-room, she stole on unconscious of any curiosity or possibility
of indiscretion, it being a matter of mere existence to find some one.
The curtains were drawn half over the window, yet not so much but that
she could see in. And the sight that met the girl’s astonished eyes was
one so strange and incomprehensible that it affected her like a vision.
Mrs. Dirom was sitting in the middle of the room in a deep easy chair,
with her head in her hands, to all appearance weeping bitterly, while a
man muffled in a rough loose coat stood with his back to her, opening
what seemed the door of a little cupboard in the wall close to the bed.
Effie gazed terror-stricken, wondering was it a robber, who was it? Mrs.
Dirom was making no resistance; she was only crying, her face buried in
her hands.
The little door yielded at last, and showed to Effie dimly the shelves
of a safe crowded with dark indistinct objects. Then Mrs. Dirom rose up,
and taking some of these indistinct objects in her hands suddenly made
visible a blaze of diamonds which she seemed to press upon the man.
He turned round to the light, as Effie, stooping, half kneeling on the
wet grass, gazed in, in a kind of trance, scarcely knowing what she did.
The coat in which he was muffled was large and rough, and a big muffler
hung loosely round his neck, but to the great astonishment of the young
spectator the face was that of Mr. Dirom himself. He seemed to laugh and
put away the case in which the diamonds were blazing.
Then out of the further depths of the safe he brought a bundle of papers
over which he nodded his head a great many times as if with
satisfaction. At this moment something seemed to disturb them, some
sound apparently in the house, for they both looked towards the door,
and then the lamp was suddenly extinguished and Effie saw no more. It
was a curious scene--the diamonds lighting up the dim room, the woman
in tears offering them to the man, he refusing, holding his little
bundle of papers, the unusual dress, the air of excitement and emotion:
and then sudden darkness, nothing visible any more; yet the certainty
that these two people were there, without light, concealing themselves
and their proceedings, whatever these might be.
Effie had looked on scarcely knowing why, unaware that she was prying
into other people’s concerns, suddenly attracted by the gleam of light,
by the comfort of feeling some one near. The putting out of the lamp
threw her back into her panic, yet changed it. She shrank away from the
window with a sudden fear of the house in which something strange, she
knew not what, was going on. Her mind was too much confused to ask what
it was, to make any representation to herself of what she had seen; but
the thought of these two people _in the dark_ seemed to give a climax to
all the nameless terrors of the night.
She went on by the side of the house, not knowing what to do, afraid now
to ask admission, doubly afraid to turn back again, lost in confusion of
mind and fatigue of body, which dimmed and drove out her original
distress.
Now, however, she had come to the back regions in which the servants
were stirring, and before she was aware a loud “Who’s that?” and the
flash of a lantern upon her, brought her back to herself. It was the
grooms coming back from the stable who thus interrupted her forlorn
round.
“Who’s that?--it’s a woman--it’s a lassie! Lord bless us, it’s Miss
Ogilvie!” they cried.
Effie had sufficient consciousness to meet their curious inspection with
affected composure.
“I want to see Miss Dirom,” she said. “I lost my way in the dark; I
couldn’t find the door. Can I see Miss Dirom?”
Her skirts were damp and clinging about her, her hair limp with the dews
of the night, her whole appearance wild and strange: but the eyes of the
grooms were not enlightened. They made no comments; one of them led her
to the proper entrance, another sent the proper official to open to her,
and presently she stood dazzled and tremulous in the room full of
softened firelight and taperlight, warm and soft and luxurious, as if
there was no trouble or mystery in the world, where Doris and Phyllis
sat in their usual animated idleness talking to each other. One of them
was lying at full length on a sofa, her arms about her head, her white
cashmere dress falling in the much esteemed folds which that pretty
material takes by nature; the other was seated on a stool before the
fire, her elbows on her knees. The sound of their voices discoursing
largely, softly, just as usual, was what Effie heard as the servant
opened the door.
“Miss Ogilvie, did you say?--Effie!” They both gazed at her with
different manifestations of dramatic surprise--without, for the moment,
any other movement. Her appearance was astonishing at this hour, but
nothing else seemed to disturb the placidity of these young women.
Finally, Miss Phyllis rose from her stool in front of the fire.
“She has eyes like stars, and her hair is all twinkling with dew--quite
a romantic figure. What a pity there is nobody to see it but Doris and
me! You don’t mean to say you have come walking all this way?”
“Oh! what does it matter how I came?” cried Effie. “I came--because I
could not stay away. There was nobody else that was so near me. I came
to tell you--I am going to Fred.”
“To Fred!” they both cried, Phyllis with a little scream of surprise,
Doris in a sort of inquiring tone, raising herself half from her sofa.
They both stared at her strangely. They had no more notion why she
should be going to Fred than the servant who had opened the door for
her--most likely much less--for there were many things unknown to the
young ladies which the servants knew.
“Fred will be very much flattered,” said Doris. “But why are you going?
does he know? what is it for? is it for shopping? Have you made up your
mind, all at once, that you want another dress?--I should say two or
three, but that is neither here nor there. And what has put it so
suddenly into your head? And where are you going to stay? Are you sure
your friends are in London at this time of the year----?”
“Oh!” cried Effie, restored out of her exhaustion and confusion in a
moment by this extraordinary speech, “is that all you think? a dress,
and shopping to do! when Fred is alone, when he is in trouble, when even
your father has deserted him--and his money gone, and his heart sore!
Oh, is that all you know? I am going to tell him that I will never
forsake him whatever others may do--that I am come to stand by him--that
I am come----”
She stopped, not because she had no more to say, but because she lost
the control of her voice and could do nothing but sob--drawing her
breath convulsively, like a child that has wept its passion out, yet has
not recovered the spasmodic grip upon its throat.
Phyllis and Doris looked at her with eyes more and more astonished and
critical. They spoke to each other, not to her. “She means it, do you
know, Dor!”
“It is like a melodrama, Phyll--Goodness, look at her! If we should
ever go on the stage----!”
Effie heard the murmur of their voices, and turned her eyes from one to
another: but her head was light with the fumes of her own passion, which
had suddenly flared so high; and though she looked from one to another,
instinctively, she did not understand what they said.
“And did you come to tell us this, so late, and all alone, you poor
little Effie? And how did you manage to get away? and how are you to get
back?”
“Of course,” said Doris, “we must send her back. Don’t ask so many silly
questions, Phyll.”
“I am not going back,” said Effie. “They would stop me if they knew. Oh,
will you send me to the train? for it is very dark and very wet, and I’m
frightened, it’s all so lonely. I never meant to trouble anybody. But
your father will be going too, and I would just sit in a corner and
never say a word. Oh, will you ask him to let me go with him to the
train?”
“What does she mean about papa? The train! there is no one going to the
train. Do you mean to say that you--to-night--oh, you know you must be
dreaming; nothing like this is possible, Effie! You must go home, child,
and go to bed----”
“To bed! and let him think that I’ve forsaken him--to let him get up
to-morrow morning and hear that Effie, because he is poor, has gone back
from her word? Oh! no, no, I cannot do it. If you will not send me, I
will just walk as I meant to do! I was frightened,” said Effie, with her
piteous little sob. “And then if your father is going--But it does not
matter after all, I will just walk as I meant to do: and if you don’t
care, that was my mistake in coming--I will just say good-night.”
She turned away with a childlike dignity, yet with a tremor she could
not subdue. She was not afraid to go out into the world, to carry the
sacrifice of her young existence to the man who loved her, whom she
would not forsake in his trouble: but she was frightened for the dark
road, the loneliness of the night--she was frightened, but yet she was
ready to do it. She turned away with a wave of her hand.
Both of the girls, however, were roused by this time. Doris rose from
her sofa, and Phyllis seized Effie, half coaxingly, half violently, by
the arm.
“Effie! goodness,” she cried, “just think for a moment. You musn’t do
this--what could Fred do with you? He would be frightened out of his
senses. You would put him in such a predicament. What _would_ he do?”
“And where would you go?” said Doris. “To his lodgings? Only fancy, a
young man’s lodgings in Half Moon Street, just the sort of place where
they think the worst of everything. He would be at his wit’s end. He
would think it very sweet of you, but just awfully silly. For what would
he do with you? He could not keep you there. It would put him in the
most awkward position. For Fred’s sake, if you really care for him,
don’t, for heaven’s sake, do anything so extraordinary. Here is mother,
she will tell you.”
“Mamma,” they both cried, as Mrs. Dirom came into the room, “Effie has
got the strangest idea. I think she must be a little wrong in her head.
She says she is going to Fred----”
“To Fred!” the mother exclaimed with a voice full of agitation. “Has
anything happened to Fred----”
“Don’t make yourself anxious, it is only her nonsense. She has heard
about the firm, I suppose. She thinks he is ruined, and all that, and
she wants to go to him to stand by him--to show him that she will not
forsake him. It’s pretty, but it’s preposterous,” said Doris, giving
Effie a sudden kiss. “Tell her she will only make Fred uncomfortable.
She will not listen to us.”
Mrs. Dirom had a look of heat and excitement which her children never
remembered to have seen in her before, but which Effie understood who
knew. Her eyes were red, her colour high, a flush across her
cheek-bones: her lips trembled with a sort of nervous impatience.
“Oh,” she cried, “haven’t I enough to think of? Do I want to be bothered
with such childish nonsense now? Going to Fred! What does she want with
Fred? He has other things in his mind. Let her go home, that is the only
thing to do----”
“So we have told her: but she says she wants to go to the train; and
something about my father who is here, and will be going too.”
“Nothing of the sort,” cried Mrs. Dirom, sharply. She gave Effie a look
of alarm, almost threatening, yet imploring--a look which asked her how
much she knew, yet defied her to know anything.
“The poor little thing has got a fright,” she said, subduing her voice.
“I am not angry with you, Effie; you mean it kindly, but it would never,
never do. You must go home.”
Effie’s strength had ebbed out of her as she stood turning her
bewildered head from one to another, hearing with a shock unspeakable
that Fred--Fred whom she had been so anxious to succour!--would not want
her, which made the strangest revolution in her troubled mind. But still
mechanically she held to her point.
“I will not be any trouble. I will just sit in the corner and never say
a word. Let me go to the train with Mr. Dirom. Let me go--with him. He
is very kind, he will not mind.”
“Mamma, do you hear what she says? She has said it again and again. Can
papa be here and none of us know?”
“Nothing of the sort,” cried Mrs. Dirom once more. Her tone was angry,
but it was full of alarm. She turned her back on the others and looked
at Effie with eyes that were full of anguish, of secrecy and confidence,
warning her, entreating her, yet defying.
“How should he be here when he has so much to do elsewhere?” she cried.
“The child has got that, with the other nonsense, into her head.” Then
with a sudden change of tone, “I will take her to my room to be quiet,
and you can order the brougham to take her home.”