THE COMING OF THE HEDGE LAWYER
The island schooner sailed at dawn. But three days later another came
and went, and three days later yet another. It never rains but it pours.
The Hedge Lawyer, spurred by a greater master of Fate than his employers
in London City, came as a sick and draggled passenger in Schooner number
Three. He did not land upon the evening of his arrival, so that Madame
did not see him, or hear of him, until the early forenoon after his ship
had gone and left him stranded as a trespasser on Tops Island. From this
marooning of the Hedge Lawyer sprang many things which shall be told in
their place. The first consequence was that the man, a Cockney of
Cockneys, was without a home in an island which possessed few huts and
no houses of rest for travellers. The feckless intruder had not even
bethought him to bring along a tent. With his luggage, a small suit
case, he was put ashore in the schooner's dinghy, and left, a
black-footed, frock-coated figure of fun, upon the fair white sandy
beach.
Madame Gilbert, returning from her morning dip in the shark-proof creek,
heard shrieks of pain interspersed with the savage howls of Willatopy.
She scurried towards the sounds as fast as her bare feet would carry
her. A black-booted, frock-coated stranger was flying shrieking towards
the sea; behind him, keeping foot to foot with him so that the sharp
fish spear which he carried might maintain its painful pressure upon the
small of the man's back followed Willatopy, naked and extremely angry.
"Huh!" roared Willatopy, thrusting with the spear. The stranger, brought
up short by the sea margin, rolled over screaming. He buried his
miserable face in the sand so that he might not see the stroke of death
which his terrors anticipated. Madame, rushing forward, stepped across
the man's body, and held up a restraining hand.
"Stop," she cried. "Who is this man, Willatopy, that you should frighten
him so?"
"He wants to eat me," roared Willatopy. "Stand aside, Madame, that I may
cut off his ugly white head and smoke it in the fire of my cook-house."
The stranger howled, and wriggled between Madame's feet, as if, like an
armadillo, he would burrow his way to safety through the fine sharp
sand. It was not the flaked oatmeal of a coral beach, for the water of
the bay, flushed by island streams, did not carry the madrepores' living
ration of salt.
"Stand back, Willatopy," commanded Madame Gilbert sternly. She pushed
the stranger contemptuously with her bare white foot. "Get up, you
crawling thing there, and tell me who you are. This island is private
property, and you have no business here."
The man cautiously got upon his feet, and stood so that Madame's strong
body interposed between his terrified person and the savage spear of
Willatopy. His absurd clothes were plastered thickly with damp,
clinging sand--his thin rat face was pinched and white, and his lank,
mud-coloured hair and moustache drooped forlornly. He was not a proud
specimen of the dominant white race. He gasped and stuttered behind the
protective back of Madame, who still faced towards Willatopy, and held
the savage half of him in subjection. Willatopy threw down his spear.
"As my lady pleases," said he sourly.
The trespasser upon the fair strand of Tops Island regained some little
of the thin courage which had poured out of his black boots. He was no
longer menaced with immediate death at the point of the barbarous fish
spear; a beautiful white woman was present; had he not been an
officer--God forgive our blear-eyed War Office--and was he not a
gentleman? He perked up a little, tried to brush the sand from his
sleeves and spoke.
"I am John Clifford, managing clerk to Chudleigh, Caves, Caves, and
Chudleigh, solicitors, of St. Mary Axe."
"Another lawyer!" cried Madame, and broke into peal after peal of
rippling laughter. "Another lawyer! And once again that wonderful
perspicuous Willatopy has chased a lawyer to the sea with a fish spear.
Willatopy, I forgive you. What a happy world it would be if all men had
your instinct for vermin and had from the first adopted your methods of
extermination."
"So that's all right," quoth Willatopy, possessing himself of the fallen
fish spear.
The late officer and present gentleman shrieked and grovelled.
"You poor worm a British officer, even one the most temporary!"
Madame's lip curled in disgust. "And yet we won the war."
"The black boy has a spear and I am unarmed. If I had a bomb now...."
"You would throw it at him. And miss because your hand trembles so. Get
behind me, British officer. I have no skirts for your protection;
though, had I known of your coming, I would have stayed to put them on.
Perhaps by then your head would have been fizzling in Willatopy's smoke,
and I, for one, would not have felt regret."
The scorn of her bit deep. "If, lady, you will send for another spear, I
will not shelter any more behind your--skirts."
"That is better," said Madame. "The worm has turned at last. Shall we
send for another spear, Willatopy?"
Willatopy did not reply. Instead he threw away his own weapon, doubled
round Madame, grabbed the stranger's arm; ducked his head under it, and
with a great lift and heave of the buttock tossed Mr. John Clifford six
feet out into the water. The shore fell steeply, and the lawyer soused
under. When he struggled out his damaged clothes had become irreparable.
Madame surveyed the dripping figure, more a figure of fun than ever.
"I hope," observed she politely, "that you have brought a change with
you. Chills are as dangerous to health in the Tropics as fish spears.
Now, Willatopy, while our uninvited and rudely handled guest steams
elegantly in the morning sun, perhaps you will explain what stimulated
into vigorous action those admirable instincts of yours for the
extermination of lawyers. What is all the row about?"
"He came ashore in a boat," said Willatopy, "and landed on my island,
Tops Island. He walked up the beach, and I met him at the fringe of the
woods. 'What do you here?' I said. 'This is my island. I am very rich,
and my name is Willatopy.' 'You are the man I have come to see,' he
said. 'You are a great English Lord, and I have come to take you to
England, and to get you all your rights. You are kept out of them by
villains,' said he. 'My father was a White Chief,' said I, 'but I am
just Willatopy.' 'No,' said he, 'you are the Lord of Tops Ham, the Home
of the Toppys. Your father is dead, and your uncle is dead. You are now
the Lord. Come home to England with me, and I will get you all your
rights.' Then I knew that the white rat lied, for why should a man come
all the way from England to get his rights for a stranger? I remember
what my father said that the English devoured one another. This English
man wanted to draw me away from my Island that he might kill and eat me.
The English are all Cannibals. So I caught up my fish spear, and thrust
at him. He ran away howling, and I ran behind jabbing my spear in his
back. He must be covered with my jabs under that black coat of his. He
is like a missionary in his clothes, but really he is a cannibal."
"So now you know," observed Madame to John Clifford. "Willatopy is not
to be taken in by fairy stories about English Lords and the rights in
England. And Willatopy, as you have found out, is an awkward customer to
humbug, I should advise you to up stakes and begone, fair stranger.
'Twere better so," she sang. "Bid me good-bye and go." Madame held out a
hand, and smiled winningly. "I have done you a service, and perhaps you
will remember Madame Gilbert, when you are far away in England. The
scars upon your back will always remind you of my friend Willatopy, that
perspicuous exterminator of vermin. I am sorry that we cannot entertain
you, even with a share in our breakfast. We are hospitable folk, but we
draw the hard stiff line at lawyers. Farewell, officer and gentleman."
"But I have lost my suit case," wailed the damp, unhappy Clifford--he
was drying quite nicely in the sunshine--"and the schooner which brought
me here has sailed away. How can I go? You are a white woman, and should
take pity on a fellow countryman. I am wet and hungry, and the chills
are running all over me. I am sure the spear was poisoned, and that I
shall die here like a dog and be damned."
"Name of a Dog!" swore Madame Gilbert. "Do you suppose I care how you
die or where you go afterwards? You are not worth the price of good pit
coal, so I take leave to doubt the damning. How did you expect to get
away when you had your black carcase dumped upon our Island? By your own
dirty law you are no better than a trespasser."
"I expected that Lord--that Mr. Willatopy would carry me away in his
yawl when he had learned my news of his inheritance. It is all true that
I spoke to him. They told me in Thursday Island that he had a yawl and
was the boldest sailor in the Straits."
"Willatopy, leave us," said Madame. "I would be alone with the little
stranger. If you should see his suit case on the sand you might pitch it
down. He steams prettily, but would be the better for a dry change. If
he dies before I have ragged him to the bones, I shall be for ever
desolated. I am pleased with you, Willatopy. You are the worthy son of
the Great White Chief, your father. If you could look in at my camp, and
send the steward down with breakfast--with breakfast for two; he might
die too soon if I don't feed him--I shall be infinitely obliged. Be
quick, my dear, for I am powerful hungry. And ask Marie for my trench
coat," she shouted after the departing Willie. "I came away to bathe in
private, and did not expect strangers. Specially when they were not
invited," added she pointedly.
"It is lucky for you, Mr. John Clifford, officer and gentleman, that I
did not go swimming to-day in the fashion of Joy and Cry, just to see
how it felt to be quite unhampered. I did think of trying. You would not
then have had me run a step to your assistance. And now I am not going
to speak another word until my hunger is appeased. You have my
permission to be seated. What ever possessed you, man, to enter the
Tropics in those funereal clothes? This is not St. Mary Axe. If your
suit case is really lost there will be for you no wear except a loin
cloth and a sun-stripped skin. You have no idea until you feel it in the
buff how the sun bites. And this is our island winter. In the summer--we
shall not take you off, my poor friend, and no schooner comes inside our
bar--in the summer you will fry, and your miserable thin white hide
will frizzle off your wasted flesh. And now be silent, if you can, until
I have eaten." The wretched victim had not spoken a word for the past
five minutes, but that was nothing to Madame. I have already said that
in action she was as swift and ruthless as she was babblesome in speech.
They had breakfast together seated on the sand, and the cabin steward of
the yacht waited upon them. He showed no visible sign of surprise at the
little stranger's appearance, though his soul must have been ravaged
with curiosity. Even yacht stewards are human.
"Now," said Madame, when the steward had gone, and she had deeply
inhaled her first beloved after-breakfast cigarette. "Now, if it is
possible for a lawyer, tell me something of the bare unvarnished truth.
Your story of Willatopy's Lordship is only one degree less probable than
your own reputed status of officer and gentleman. You are John Clifford,
managing clerk to some many-partnered firm in St. Mary Axe, London, E.C.
So far, the Court is with you. Get on with the rest."
"I was an officer, for three months before the Armistice. A second
lieutenant of Royal Artillery."
"Mon Dieu!" said Madame politely. "I knew the English Army was hard put
to it, but was it as bad as all that? Did you see any service?"
"No. I got exemption during most of the war. I was indispensable at
home."
"While gallant French and English boys were being killed," Madame's
teeth snapped. "You lawyers look after yourselves. God, if I had lost a
son of mine in the war I would take you out in yonder dinghy and throw
you to the sharks. That is what you are fit for. Shark's food."
"You are not very civil, Madame Gilbert," grumbled the managing
indispensable clerk.
"My unshakeable urbanity under the most severe provocation," responded
Madame, "fills me with wonder. Also with admiration. How I keep it up I
cannot understand. Get on. I accept the story that you got yourself made
a stay-at-home second lieutenant of Garrison Artillery because you were
afraid of the open field. I accept that. Now, what about Willatopy?"
"It is true about him. His father and uncle are dead, and he is the heir
of Topsham. We were almost sure of it in St. Mary Axe--we have a large
Devonshire connection, and know the line of every family of note. We
were nearly sure in London; since then I have inspected the registers in
Thursday Island. That black boy is the Twenty-Eighth Baron of Topsham."
"Humph!" said Madame. "It is no business of mine, though my yacht yonder
is chartered from one member of the Toppys family. I expect there is a
catch somewhere, which you will find out--in St. Mary Axe. But how comes
it that your firm have intervened? Do they represent the interests of
the Family?"
Madame must be highly favoured by the Immortal Gods. For the second time
in this history she was privileged to see a lawyer blush. First it was
Roger Gatepath, now it was that lesser luminary John Clifford.
"No," he stammered. "Not exactly. We have a large Devonshire
connection, and we wish to see justice done to the Heir of an ancient
House."
"And incidentally to increase the large Devonshire connection." Madame's
voice, when she pleased, could rasp like a file of high carbon steel.
"To habitual knavery you add incidental poaching when it offers a
profitable connection. What a trade! Man, look at this island. It is the
most beautiful in the Straits, and until this morning shone as if
blessed by Heaven. With your coming, the air grows chill and dark as
though a curse had fallen. It is lucky I have eaten, or your ill-omened
presence would banish my appetite. And yet in spite of the most
overwhelming provocation I continue to comport myself towards you with
the most suave politeness. _Vive la politesse!_ But I won't indefinitely
answer for my own restraint. If you provoke me further, I may forget
myself and become abusive."
"I shall not stay here to be insulted. I am a demobilised British
officer, and----"
"A temporary gentleman," put in Madame. "Sit down, British officer, or I
will set Willatopy at you. Where will you go? This Island belongs to
Willatopy, and if you pick a banana without his leave, we will hale you
to Thursday Island, and consign you to the deepest dungeon. No, on
second thoughts we will punish you ourselves. To us is entrusted the
high justice, the middle, and the low. We are monarchs of all we survey.
We can keel-haul you under the teak fenders of the _Humming Top_, toast
you over a slow fire, or throw you to your brethren the sharks of the
sea. We can do any violent thing we please with you. No one will miss
you; no one will inquire after you. We will say that you left the
Island--the rest will be silence. Every man and boy in my yacht is my
devoted servant; every man, woman, and child on this Island is a slave
of Willatopy. Man, you did not know what perils you called up when you
had yourself cast on this Island of Tops. Do not, I implore you, repeat
in the hearing of my sailors this preposterous story of Willatopy's
Heirship. For the moment they are my servants, but in blood and bone
they are the feudal retainers of the Family of Toppys. The little
fingers of my sailors are thicker than Willatopy's loins. You have felt
the scorpion sting of his fish spear; you have yet to feel the searing
shattering blast from the _Humming Top's_ guns. My sailors would blow
you into fragments from the foc's'le, and say grace afterwards with
unction. We are smugglers and pirates every one of us. What to us is a
lawyer more or less? You are homeless, and friendless, and in our power.
We can put you to frizzle in the heat by day, and starve you with cold
in the long nights. We can deny you food. Even the wayside streams
belong to us. You cannot walk or lie down, or eat, or drink, save by our
gracious permission. You are cut off from the world, an outcast. Draw
comfort if you can from my words."
"You are pleased to chaff me, Madame Gilbert. The King's writ runs even
in Tops Island."
"In the immortal words of a famous British statesman: wait and see, Mr.
John Clifford, demobilised second lieutenant. And now for the moment I
have done with you. Keep clear of my camp, and, for your life, flee from
Willatopy. When you are hungered lie on the beach and howl like a dog
that is lost. Maybe someone will hear you; maybe, on the other hand,
someone won't. It is still less likely that anyone will minister to your
wants even if your cries are heard. But as a merciful sister I indicate
this one thin chance of preserving from extinction the pale flame of
your life. If you will now excuse me, Mr. John Clifford, I will withdraw
to my tent and complete my interrupted toilet. Good-bye-e-e."
"A good morning's work," murmured Madame Gilbert as she strolled away
leaving the disconsolate Hedge Lawyer to complete his drying alone. "And
let us pray that yet another wandering island schooner may drop into our
bay that we may urgently speed the parting guest--with a boathook if he
won't get moving of his own volition. In these remote islands of the
British Empire one should never omit that punctilious hospitality which
is due even to the most noxious of strangers."