As soon as school was dismissed, I went straight to the rooms of Captain
Bridgeman, and told him how I had been treated. As soon as he heard it,
he exclaimed, "This is really too bad; I will go with you, and I will
consult with your aunt Amelia."
It so happened that aunt Milly was alone in the shop when we arrived,
and after a detail of what had passed, she told Captain Bridgeman that
my grandmother had put me to that school out of feelings of ill-will for
the tricks I had played, and had threatened that if I were removed she
would leave Chatham and take her away with her. My mother required
assistance in the shop, and was afraid to affront my grandmother, who
was a very dictatorial, positive old woman, and would certainly keep her
resolution; but that rather than I should be treated in such a barbarous
manner she would insist upon my mother taking me away, or would herself
leave the place.
"It would never do for you to leave us, Miss Amelia," replied Captain
Bridgeman, "there are but few attractions in this place, and we cannot
spare you; the whole corps would go into deep mourning."
"I don't want to leave the school," interrupted I; "I would not leave it
till I am revenged, for all the world. Now, I'll tell you what I want
to do--and do it I will, if he cuts me to pieces. He eats my
sandwiches, and tells me if there's not more mustard to-morrow, he'll
flog me. He shall have plenty of mustard, but he shall have something
else. What can I put into the sandwiches, so as to half kill him?"
"Not a bad idea, my little Percival," said Captain Bridgeman; "I'll just
ask the doctor how much calomel a man may take without a coroner's
inquest being required."
"Yes, that will do nicely," said my aunt; "I'll take care he shall have
mustard enough not to perceive it."
"Well, I'll go to the barracks and be back directly," said Captain
Bridgeman.
"And I'm ready for the flogging as soon as the sandwiches are down his
throat," replied I, laughing, "I don't care a fig for it."
Captain Bridgeman soon returned with forty grains of calomel, which he
delivered into aunt Milly's hands. "That is as much as we dare give the
strongest man without running great danger; we'll try the effect of that
upon him, and if he don't improve, I think I shall go up to the school
myself and threaten him."
"As for that," replied aunt Milly, "I'm sure that sister, if she hears
what's going on, as she cannot take Percival away, will order her
husband, Ben, to go up and thrash him."
"Not a bad idea, Miss Amelia, we'll try that if we find it necessary; at
all events, we'll see who can persecute most."
"Granny has told him to treat me ill," said I, "that's very clear, from
what he said; never mind, I'll make her sorry for it."
"Oh Percival! you must not do anything to granny," said aunt Milly,
looking very archly; "I must not hear anything of the kind."
The next morning I set off with a full conviction that I should be
flogged before night, and notwithstanding that, as full of joy as if I
was going to the fair.
The morning passed as usual; I said my lesson, but not very well; I was
thinking so much of my anticipated revenge, that I could not pay
attention to my teacher, who was, as usual, one of the boys.
"Master Keene," said Mr O'Gallagher, "we'll let the account stand over
till the evening, and then I'll give you a receipt in full; I may have
one or two lines to add to it before the sun goes down; you'll not
escape me this time, anyhow."
The boys went out at the dinner hour, leaving me, as before, to wait for
my basket, after the tyrant had helped himself. I stood by him in
silence while he was rummaging its contents.
"Now, Mr Keene, I'll see if you've remembered my particular injunction
relative to the mustard."
"I told my aunt to put more mustard, sir," replied I, humbly, "it she
that cuts the sandwiches."
"Well, then, if your aunt has not complied with your request, see if I
don't flay you alive, you little imp of abomination."
The sandwiches were pulled out of the paper and tasted. "Down on your
knees, Mr Keene, and thank all the blessed saints that your aunt has
saved you from at least one-half of what I intended to administer to you
this blessed afternoon, for she has doubled the mustard, you tief," said
Mr O'Gallagher, speaking with his mouth as full as it could hold. Down
went sandwich after sandwich, until they had all disappeared. Oh! what
joy was mine! I could have tossed up my cap and leapt in the air.
Having received the bread and cheese, for he permitted me to have the
latter on this occasion I went out and enjoyed my meal, delighted with
Mr O'Gallagher's having fallen into the trap I had laid for him.
The bell summoned us in, and all went on as usual for the first two
hours, when I thought Mr O'Gallagher changed countenance and looked
very pale. He continued, however, to hear the lessons, until at last I
perceived him pass his hand up and down and across his stomach, as if he
had had a twinge; a few minutes afterwards, he compressed his thick
lips, and then put his hands to his abdomen.
"Ah! he begins to feel it now," thought I; and sure enough he did; for
the pain increased so rapidly that he lost all patience, and vented his
feelings by beating with his ruler, on the heads of the whole class of
boys standing up before him, till one or two dropped down, stunned with
the blows. At last he dropped the ruler, and, pressing both hands to
his stomach, he rolled himself backwards and forwards, and then twisted
and distorted his legs till he could bear the pain no longer; and he
gave vent to a tremendous Irish howl--grinning and grinding his teeth
for a few seconds, and then howling again, writhing and twisting in
evident agony--while the perspiration ran off his forehead.
"Och! murder! I'm poisoned sure. Lord save my sinful soul! Oh--oh--
oh! eh--eh--eh! mercy, mercy, mercy, mercy, mercy! Oh holy St. Patrick!
I'm kilt entirely:"--and so subdued was he at last by the pain, that he
burst out into a flood of tears, crying and roaring like a child.
Again the paroxysms came on--"Murder, murder, murder!" shrieked the
wretch at the highest pitch of his voice, so that he was heard at some
distance, and some of the neighbours came in to inquire what was the
matter.
Mr O'Gallagher was now in a fainting state, and leaning against the
table, he could merely say in a low voice, "A doctor--quick--a doctor."
The neighbours perceiving how ill he was, led him out of the
school-rooms into his own apartment, one going for a doctor, and the
others telling the boys they might all go home, a notice of which they
gladly availed themselves.
I need hardly say, that I made all the haste I could to communicate the
successful result of my trick to Milly and Captain Bridgeman. The
medical man who was summoned, gave Mr O'Gallagher some very active
medicine, which assisted to rid him of the calomel; of his having taken
which, of course, the medical man was ignorant. The violence of the
dose was, however, so great, and left him in such a state, that Mr
O'Gallagher could not leave his room for three days, nor resume his seat
in the school until a week had elapsed, during which I remained at home
plotting still further mischief.
Mr O'Gallagher resumed his occupations, and I was again sent off to
school. When I entered the school-room I found him looking very pale
and cadaverous; as soon as he saw me his lips were drawn apart, and he
showed his large white teeth, reminding me of the grinning of a hyena;
he did not, however, say anything to me. My studies were resumed; I
said my lesson perfectly, but was fully prepared for punishment. I was,
however, agreeably disappointed; he did not punish either me or any of
the other boys.
I afterwards found out the reason was, that, although necessity
compelled him to re-open his school as soon as he could, he was too weak
to undergo the fatigue of following up his favourite diversion.
When the dinner-hour arrived, and the boys were dismissed, I waited
patiently to see what he would do with my basket, which stood beside
him. "Take your basket, and eat your dinner, Master Keene," said he,
walking out of the school-room into his own apartments. I could not
help saying, "Won't you have the sandwiches, sir?"
He turned round and gave me a look so penetrating and so diabolical,
that I felt sure that he knew to whom he had been indebted for his late
severe illness.
From this day forward Mr O'G never interfered with the contents of my
basket and I had my dinner all to myself. The shock which had been
given to his constitution was so great, that for three or four months he
may be said to have crawled to his school room, and I really began to
think that the affair would turn out more serious than was intended; but
gradually he regained his strength, and as he recovered his vigour, so
did he resume his severity.
But I was a great gainer during the three or four months of quiet which
reigned during Mr O'Gallagher's convalescence. Since I have been grown
up, I have often thought, and am indeed confirmed in my opinion, that we
lose rather than gain by being educated at too early an age. Commence
with one child at three years, and with another at seven years old, and
in ten years, the one whose brain was left fallow even till seven years
old, will be quite as far, if not further advanced, than the child whose
intellect was prematurely forced at the earlier age; this is a fact
which I have since seen proved in many instances, and it certainly was
corroborated in mine.
In six months I could read and write very fairly, and had commenced
arithmetic; true, I was stimulated on by the advice of Captain
Bridgeman, the love I bore my aunt Milly, and the hatred which I had for
my master, which made me resolve that I would not deserve punishment on
that score.
It was in May that I administered the dose to Mr O'Gallagher; in
September he was quite well again, and the ruler, the ferrule, and the
rod, were triumphantly at work. It is useless to say how often I was
punished, for it was every day; always once, sometimes twice; I became
completely callous to it, nay, laughed at it, but my mind was ever at
work upon some mischief, in the way of retaliation.
I put little pancakes of cobblers' wax on Mr O'Gallagher's throne, and
he had the pleasure of finding himself stuck fast by the breeches when
he rose up to punish. I anointed the handle of the ferrule and rod with
bird-lime; put dead cats under the claret cases, which composed his seat
of authority, so that the smell would drive him distracted before he
found it out. I drew up with a squirt, all the ink which was in the
inkstands fixed in the writing-desks, so as not to be taken out of the
sockets, and made good the deficiency with water, which put him to no
little expense.
I once made him almost frantic, by rubbing his handkerchief which always
laid by his side, and with which he was accustomed to wipe his face
every five minutes (for he was profuse in his perspiration), with what
is called cow-itch: not being aware of what was the cause, he wiped his
face more and more, until he was as red as a peony, and the itching
became intolerable.
On such occasions he never inquired who was the party, but called me and
Phil Mooney. I, on the other hand, never said a word in way of
expostulation. I took my flogging, which was as severe as he could give
it, as a matter of course, quite satisfied with the exchange.
As Walter Puddock had told me, and, as I have no doubt, the Eton boys
will confirm, after a certain quantity of flagellations, the skin
becomes so hard as to make the punishment almost a matter of
indifference and so I found it. So passed the time until the month of
November, when I was fully enabled to pay off my worthy pedagogue for
all that I was indebted to him.