Profound stillness reigned in the wardroom of H.M.S. _Sinister_,
broken only by the low tones of the Paymaster and the First Lieutenant
disputing over the question of proportional representation and by
the snores of the Junior Watchkeeper, stretched inelegantly on the
sofa. The rest of the occupants were in the coma induced by all-night
coaling. Into this haven of quiet burst the ship's Doctor in a state
of exaggerated despair. He groaned and, sinking into a chair, mopped
his forehead ostentatiously. The disputants ceased their discussion
and watched him intently as though he were some performing animal.
"Gentlemen," said the Paymaster presently in tones of sepulchral
gloom, "the neophyte of ÆSCULAPIUS, to whose care the inscrutable
wisdom of Providence has entrusted our lives, is being excruciatingly
funny. Number One says it is belated remorse for the gallant servants
of His Majesty whom he has consigned to an untimely grave."
"Poor jesting fool," said his victim, "little he knows that even now
Heaven has prepared a punishment fitted even to his crimes. I have
seen it--nay, I have spoken with it."
"Suppose," intervened the Commander, "that you postpone this contest
of wits and let us have your news."
"Certainly, Sir," acquiesced the Doctor. "It's Pay's new assistant.
He's ..." the Doctor paused in search of adequate expression, "he's
here. He is, I fancy, at this moment slapping the skipper on the back
and asking him to have a drink. He called me 'old socks.'" The doctor
shuddered. "Then he said he expected this was some mess; Naval messes
were always hot stuff. He wanted to spin me yarns of his infant
excesses, but I choked him off by telling him he ought to report to
the skipper. You'll have to look after him, Pay. That will give you
some honest work for a change."
It must be confessed that at lunch the newcomer justified the Doctor's
worst forebodings. Afterwards the First Lieutenant and the Paymaster
had an earnest colloquy. Then the latter sought his new assistant;
he found him gloomily turning over the pages of a six-months-old
illustrated paper.
"What do you think of the ship?" he asked cheerfully.
"Rotten slow lot," replied the A.P.; "I tried to make things hum a bit
at lunch and they all sat looking like stuffed owls."
"Ah, you'll find it different this evening after the Commander has
gone. Bad form to tell smoking-room yarns while he's here."
Meanwhile the First Lieutenant visited the Commander in his cabin.
"Very well," said the latter on parting; "only mind, no unnecessary
violence."
"I understand, Sir. I hope it won't be necessary."
The Assistant Paymaster had no cause to complain of lack of hilarity
at dinner. The most trivial remark was greeted with roars of
merriment. When the KING'S health had been drunk the Commander pleaded
letters and left the ward-room. Instantly a perfect babel arose.
Everyone seemed to be asking everyone else to have a drink. The
newcomer selected a large whisky.
"Wilkes," said the First Lieutenant, "one large whisky, one dozen
soda, one dozen ginger-beer and two large bottles of lime-juice."
"Large bottles, you blighter!" he yelled after the back of the
astonished marine who went out to fulfil this remarkable order.
"Now," said the Junior Watchkeeper, when all the glasses had been
filled, "I call on Number One for a song." Amid vociferous applause
the First Lieutenant, clasping a huge tumbler of ginger-beer, rose
unsteadily. Without the semblance of a note anywhere he proceeded to
bawl "A frog he would a-wooing go." A _prima donna_ at the zenith of
her fame might have envied his reception. The Junior Watchkeeper broke
half the glasses in the transports of his enthusiasm. "Come along,
Doc," said the singer as soon as he could make himself heard; "give us
a yarn." With the assistance of his neighbours the Doctor placed one
foot on his chair and the other on the table. "Say, you fellows," he
said thickly, "jolly litl' yarn--Goblylocks an' Three Bears."
Overcome, apparently, by tender recollections he was silent, and fixed
the walnuts with a dreamy stare.
"Go on, Doc!" "Goldilocks, Goldilocks." "The Doc," said the Paymaster,
"was always a devil for the girls."
"Pay," remonstrated the First Lieutenant sorrowfully, "that's the
third half-penny for swearing this year. You mean that the Doctor has
always evinced a marked partiality for the society of the gentler
sex."
Punctuated at the more exciting points with breathless exclamations of
horror and amazement from his audience, the Doctor's rendering of the
story proved an overwhelming success. As he painted in vivid periods
the scene where Goldilocks was discovered by all three bears asleep in
the little bear's bed, the First Lieutenant broke down completely and
had to be patted and soothed into a more tranquil frame of mind before
the story could proceed. Then there was a spell of musical chairs,
the First Engineer obliging at the piano, and afterwards giving a
tuneful West-Country folk-song at the Doctor's request. The Junior
Watchkeeper, declaring his inability to remember anything, read half a
column from the "Situations Vacant" portion of _The Times_, and amid
the ensuing applause slipped quietly from the room in obedience to an
unspoken signal from the First Lieutenant. After the Second Engineer
had given an exhibition of what he asserted to be an Eskimo tribal
dance, the First Lieutenant addressed the Assistant Paymaster.
"Now then, young fellow, it is your turn. D'you want to give us a
yarn?"
But the boy had learned his lesson. "I'm afraid I don't know any yarns
that would interest you, Sir," he said. "If you don't mind I think
I'll turn in."
The First Lieutenant smiled on him with the mature wisdom of
twenty-seven summers. "Quite right, my lad. By the way, you might
look in at the bath-room on the way to your cabin and tell the Junior
Watchkeeper that we shan't want the bath that he is filling from the
cold tap. I'm very glad we shan't."
* * * * *
[Illustration: Jack (_who has been bowled by a ball which kept very
low_): "BLOOMIN' U-BOAT TACTICS!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Voice from gallery (during grave-digger scene in
"Hamlet")._ "AIN'T YER GOING TO 'AVE NO PARAPET?"]
* * * * *
"Now is the opportunity for carrying out the recommendation of a
Select Committee in 1908 that there should be a common gallery for
men and women."--_The Vote_.
A sort of Mixed Grille, in fact.
* * * * *
"Wanted, Upper Housemaid of two; wages £30; 5 maids; two ladies in
family; quiet country place."--_Daily Paper_.
Who said our upper classes are not feeling the War?
* * * * *
"Required, very small nicely Furnished House or Cottage.
Bathroom and good private girls' school within easy walk
essential."--_Daily Paper_.
There is nothing so invigorating as a little walk before one's bath.
* * * * *
_SEMPER EADEM_.
A prisoner, Gunner Grogan, E.,
To-day will be brought up to me
For impudence and sloth;
_Reveillé_ only made him sneer;
Aroused, he lipped a Bombardier
(And very natural--both).
And I shall counter, with disdain,
His feeble efforts to explain
Or justify such deeds.
It will be funny if I fail
To twist young Gunner Grogan's tail,
That being what he needs.
I know he isn't really bad;
Myself, I rather like the lad.
(And loathe that Bombardier!)
Beneath his buttons--none too bright--
May lurk the spirit of a knight--
A thwarted cavalier.
For some who fought at Creçy, too,
Snored on or scoffed when trumpets blew,
And presently were caught;
And when the clanking N.C.O.'s
Came round to prod them, I suppose
They up and spoke their thought.
Then they were for it; up they went
Paraded by the Prince's tent,
While he, to meet the crime,
Recalled the nastiest words he knew,
And learned the worst that he could do
From "K.R." of the time.
And yet such criminals as those
Did England proud with English bows
As schoolboys have to read;
And Gunner Grogan would to-day
Prove every bit as stout as they
Should there arise the need.
But just as heroes of Romance,
Who dodged parades with half a chance,
Were strafed--and mighty hard--
So likewise Gunner Grogan, E.,
Employed in making history,
Will do an extra guard.
* * * * *
"We are informed by the Right Hon. the Lord Mayor of Bristol
that his Lordship still has a supply of famous men connected
with the great war, and will be pleased to supply them to
applicants."--_Evening Times and Echo (Bristol)_.
Will the PRIME MINISTER please note?
* * * * *
"A conference of the Ministers of departments concerned will take
place in London to arrange measures for their execution."--_Daily
Chronicle_.