"Brain-fag! That's wot we 'orses are suffering from. Ah! there's bin
a deal o' queer things 'appen since they women started on the farm! I
shan't never forget the first time one of them females come into my
stall. The roan pony, wot's got sentimental thro' being everlasting
driven in the governess-cart, sez she was a pretty young woman.
I never noticed nothing 'bout 'er 'cept the pink rose in 'er
button-'ole. I never 'eard tell of a farm 'and with a pink rose in 'is
shirt before. Maybe such carryings on is all right for they grooms an'
kerridge-'orses, but it ain't 'ardly decent for a respectable farm
'orse. So when this 'ere woman come along I up and 'as a grab at it.
D'ye think she'd 'it me? I never 'ad such a shock in me life, not
since I went backwards when the coal-cart tipped! Lor, lumme! if she
didn't catch 'old of me round the neck an' kiss me! 'Oh, you darlin'!'
she said, 'did you want me rose then, ducky?' I'm a brown 'orse, but I
tell you I blushed chestnut that morning. 'Course the roan pony next
door started giggling, and then she 'ad to go and kiss 'im, and that
settled 'is little game.
"Well, then she come along with the collar. I need 'ardly tell you 'ow
often she tried to fix it on the wrong way round. There I 'ad to stand
with 'er shoving the blooming thing till I thought my 'ead would 'ave
dropped orf. Being a female, it took 'er some time before she thought
of putting the big end of the collar up first, but when she did I just
took and put me 'ead thro' and nipped orf 'er rose. 'If that don't
fetch you,' I sez, 'nothink will.' If that woman 'ad clouted me on the
'ead then, I'd 'ave loved 'er; 'stead o' which she calls out to 'er
pal 'oo was mucking round cleaning out the stalls with a broom-'andle,
'May!' she sez. 'Oh, do look!' she sez, 'this 'ere dear 'orse,' she
sez, ''as bin and ate my rose!'
"Well, when we done all the kissing and that, she led me out of the
stall, and I promise you I was a sight! My bridle was over one eye and
my girths 'anging loose. Maybe that was my own fault; when she started
to pull in the straps 'course I blew meself out, same as any 'orse
would, just to give 'er something to pull on. 'Oh dear!' says the
female. 'Poor 'orse, this 'ere girth's too tight!' Any'ow, when we did
get to the 'ayfield she 'ad to fetch a man to put me into the rake.
Well, 'e told her 'ow to go on, and we moves orf. That wasn't 'arf a
journey! Wot with 'er pulling one way an' pulling another, I got fair
mazed. Arter a bit I stopped. ''Ave it your own way then,' I sez. Next
minute I 'eard 'er calling out like a train whistle to the bailiff,
'oo was passing. 'Smith!' she sez, 'this pore 'orse is tired!' And
Smith sez, 'Tired!' 'e sez; ''e's lazy!' And with that 'e fetched me
one. 'All right, my girl,' I thinks; 'you wait a bit.'
"This 'ere field run past a railway, and when Smith 'ad gone I seen
one of the signals on the line go down. 'That's the ticket!' I sez,
and when the train come by I up and shook me 'ead. The woman didn't
say nothing, so I gives a 'op with all me feet at once. Still she
don't say nothing, and I couldn't feel 'er on the reins, so I done a
few side steps. And then she spoke, and this is wot she sez: 'Oh!' she
sez, 'please don't!' and started crying.
"There's no vice about me, and when she begun 'er game I stopped mine.
You'd 'ardly believe it, but that 'ere woman got down orf that 'ere
rake and she come round to my 'ead and, 'Pore darling,' she sez, 'was
you frightened of the train then?' Me! wot's 'ad me life in the London
docks till I come 'aying 'long of the War.
"Ah! I reckon the roan pony's right: You can't 'ave the larst word
with females!"
* * * * *
"For sale--A large stone gentleman's diamond ring, set in a solid
gold band."--_Cork Examiner_.
The National Museum should not fail to secure this remarkable relic of
the Palæolithic Age.
* * * * *