Of the dinner to which we now sat down, I am not going to be a severe
critic. The mahogany I hold to be inviolable; but this I will say, that
I prefer sherry to marsala when I can get it, and the latter was the
wine of which I have no doubt I heard the 'cloop' just before dinner.
Nor was it particularly good of its kind; however, Mrs. Major Ponto did
not evidently know the difference, for she called the liquor Amontillado
during the whole of the repast, and drank but half a glass of it,
leaving the rest for the Major and his guest.
Stripes was in the livery of the Ponto family--a thought shabby, but
gorgeous in the extreme--lots of magnificent worsted lace, and livery
buttons of a very notable size. The honest fellow's hands, I remarked,
were very large and black; and a fine odour of the stable was wafted
about the room as he moved to and fro in his ministration. I should have
preferred a clean maidservant, but the sensations of Londoners are too
acute perhaps on these subjects; and a faithful John, after all, IS more
genteel.
From the circumstance of the dinner being composed of pig's-head
mock-turtle soup, of pig's fry and roast ribs of pork, I am led to
imagine that one of Ponto's black Hampshires had been sacrificed a short
time previous to my visit. It was an excellent and comfortable repast;
only there WAS rather a sameness in it, certainly. I made a similar
remark the next day'.
During the dinner Mrs. Ponto asked me many questions regarding the
nobility, my relatives. 'When Lady Angelina Skeggs would come out;
and if the countess her mamma' (this was said with much archness and
he-he-ing) 'still wore that extraordinary purple hair-dye?' 'Whether my
Lord Guttlebury kept, besides his French chef, and an English cordonbleu
for the roasts, an Italian for the confectionery?'
'Who attended at Lady Clapperclaw's conversazioni?' and 'whether Sir
John Champignon's “Thursday Mornings” were pleasant?' 'Was it true that
Lady Carabas, wanting to pawn her diamonds, found that they were paste,
and that the Marquis had disposed of them beforehand?' 'How was it that
Snuffin, the great tobacco-merchant, broke off the marriage which was on
the tapis between him and their second daughter; and was it true that a
mulatto lady came over from the Havanna and forbade the match?'
'Upon my word, Madam,' I had begun, and was going on to say that I
didn't know one word about all these matters which seemed so to interest
Mrs. Major Ponto, when the Major, giving me a tread or stamp with his
large foot under the table, said--'Come, come, Snob my boy, we are all
tiled, you know. We KNOW you're one of the fashionable people about
town: we saw your name at Lady Clapperclaw's SOIREES, and the Champignon
breakfasts; and as for the Rubadubs, of course, as relations ---'
'Oh, of course, I dine there twice a-week,' I said; and then I
remembered that my cousin, Humphry Snob, of the Middle Temple, IS a
great frequenter of genteel societies, and to have seen his name in the
MORNING POST at the tag-end of several party lists. So, taking the
hint, I am ashamed to say I indulged Mrs. Major Ponto with a deal of
information about the first families in England, such as would astonish
those great personages if they knew it. I described to her most
accurately the three reigning beauties of last season at Almack's:
told her in confidence that his Grace the D--- of W--- was going to be
married the day after his Statue was put up; that his Grace the D--- of
D--- was also about to lead the fourth daughter of the Archduke Stephen
to the hymeneal altar:--and talked to her, in a word, just in the style
of Mrs. Gore's last fashionable novel.
Mrs. Major was quite fascinated by this brilliant conversation. She
began to trot out scraps of French, just for all the world as they do
in the novels; and kissed her hand to me quite graciously, telling me
to come soon to caffy, UNG PU DE MUSICK O SALONG--with which she tripped
off like an elderly fairy.
'Shall I open a bottle of port, or do you ever drink such a thing as
Hollands and water?' says Ponto, looking ruefully at me. This was a very
different style of thing to what I had been led to expect from him at
our smoking-room at the Club: where he swaggers about his horses and
his cellar: and slapping me on the shoulder used to say, 'Come down
to Mangelwurzelshire, Snob my boy, and I'll give you as good a day's
shooting and as good a glass of claret as any in the county.'--'Well,'
I said, 'I like Hollands much better than port, and gin even better than
Hollands.' This was lucky. It WAS gin; and Stripes brought in hot water
on a splendid plated tray.
The jingling of a harp and piano soon announced that Mrs. Ponto's ung PU
DE MUSICK had commenced, and the smell of the stable again entering
the dining-room, in the person of Stripes, summoned us to CAFFY and the
little concert. She beckoned me with a winning smile to the sofa, on
which she made room for me, and where we could command a fine view
of the backs of the young ladies who were performing the musical
entertainment. Very broad backs they were too, strictly according to
the present mode, for crinoline or its substitutes is not an expensive
luxury, and young people in the country can afford to be in the fashion
at very trifling charges. Miss Emily Ponto at the piano, and her sister
Maria at that somewhat exploded instrument, the harp, were in light blue
dresses that looked all flounce, and spread out like Mr. Green's balloon
when inflated.
'Brilliant touch Emily has--what a fine arm Maria's is,' Mrs. Ponto
remarked good-naturedly, pointing out the merits of her daughters, and
waving her own arm in such a way as to show that she was not a little
satisfied with the beauty of that member. I observed she had about nine
bracelets and bangles, consisting of chains and padlocks, the Major's
miniature, and a variety of brass serpents with fiery ruby or tender
turquoise eyes, writhing up to her elbow almost, in the most profuse
contortions.
'You recognize those polkas? They were played at Devonshire House on
the 23rd of July, the day of the grand fête.' So I said yes--I knew 'em
quite intimately; and began wagging my head as if in acknowledgment of
those old friends.
When the performance was concluded, I had the felicity of a presentation
and conversation with the two tall and scraggy Miss Pontos; and Miss
Wirt, the governess, sat down to entertain us with variations on 'Sich a
gettin' up Stairs.' They were determined to be in the fashion.
For the performance of the 'Gettin' up Stairs,' I have no other name but
that it was a STUNNER. First Miss Wirt, with great deliberation, played
the original and beautiful melody, cutting it, as it were, out of the
instrument, and firing off each note so loud, clear, and sharp, that I
am sure Stripes must have heard it in the stable.
'What a finger!' says Mrs. Ponto; and indeed it WAS a finger, as knotted
as a turkey's drumstick, and splaying all over the piano. When she had
banged out the tune slowly, she began a different manner of 'Gettin' up
Stairs,' and did so with a fury and swiftness quite incredible. She spun
up stairs; she whirled up stairs: she galloped up stairs; she rattled up
stairs; and then having got the tune to the top landing, as it were, she
hurled it down again shrieking to the bottom floor, where it sank in a
crash as if exhausted by the breathless rapidity of the descent. Then
Miss Wirt played the 'Gettin' up Stairs' with the most pathetic and
ravishing solemnity: plaintive moans and sobs issued from the keys--you
wept and trembled as you were gettin' up stairs. Miss Wirt's hands
seemed to faint and wail and die in variations: again, and she went up
with a savage clang and rush of trumpets, as if Miss Wirt was storming a
breach; and although I knew nothing of music, as I sat and listened
with my mouth open to this wonderful display, my CAFFY grew cold, and I
wondered the windows did not crack and the chandelier start out of the
beam at the sound of this earthquake of a piece of music.
'Glorious creature! Isn't she?' said Mrs. Ponto. 'Squirtz's favourite
pupil--inestimable to have such a creature. Lady Carabas would give her
eyes for her! A prodigy of accomplishments! Thank you, Miss Wirt'--and
the young ladies gave a heave and a gasp of admiration--a deep-breathing
gushing sound, such as you hear at church when the sermon comes to a
full stop.
Miss Wirt put her two great double-knuckled hands round a waist of her
two pupils, and said, 'My dear children, I hope you will be able to play
it soon as well as your poor little governess. When I lived with the
Dunsinanes, it was the dear Duchess's favourite, and Lady Barbara and
Lady Jane McBeth learned it. It was while hearing Jane play that, I
remember, that dear Lord Castletoddy first fell in love with her; and
though he is but an Irish Peer, with not more than fifteen thousand
a year, I persuaded Jane to have him. Do you know Castletoddy, Mr.
Snob?--round towers--sweet place-County Mayo. Old Lord Castletoddy (the
present Lord was then Lord Inishowan) was a most eccentric old man--they
say he was mad. I heard his Royal Highness the poor dear Duke of
Sussex--(SUCH a man, my dears, but alas! addicted to smoking!)--I
heard his Royal Highness say to the Marquis of Anglesey, “I am sure
Castletoddy is mad!” but Inishowan wasn't in marrying my sweet Jane,
though the dear child had but her ten thousand pounds POUR TOUT POTAGE!'
'Most invaluable person,' whispered Mrs. Major Ponto to me. 'Has lived
in the very highest society:' and I, who have been accustomed to see
governesses bullied in the world, was delighted to find this one ruling
the roast, and to think that even the majestic Mrs. Ponto bent before
her.
As for my pipe, so to speak, it went out at once. I hadn't a word to say
against a woman who was intimate with every Duchess in the Red Book. She
wasn't the rosebud, but she had been near it. She had rubbed shoulders
with the great, and about these we talked all the evening incessantly,
and about the fashions, and about the Court, until bed-time came.
'And are there Snobs in this Elysium?' I exclaimed, jumping into the
lavender-perfumed bed. Ponto's snoring boomed from the neighbouring
bed-room in reply.