Good discourse sinks differences and seeks agreements. It avoids
argument, by finding a common basis of agreement; and thus escapes
controversy, by rendering it superfluous. Pertinent to the platform,
debate is out of place in the parlor. Persuasion is the better weapon
in this glittering game.
Nothing rarer than great conversation, nothing more difficult to prompt
and guide. Like magnetism, it obeys its own hidden laws, sympathies,
antipathies, is sensitive to the least breath of criticism. It requires
natural tact, a familiarity with these fine laws, long experience, a
temperament predisposed to fellowship, to hold high the discourse by
keeping the substance of things distinctly in view throughout the
natural windings of the dialogue. Many can argue, not many converse.
Real humility is rare everywhere and at all times. If women have the
larger share, and venture less in general conversation, it may be from
the less confidence, not in themselves, but in those who have hitherto
assumed the lead, even in matters more specially concerning woman. Few
men are diffident enough to speak beautifully and well on the finest
themes.
Conversation presupposes a common sympathy in the subject, a great
equality in the speakers; absence of egotism, a tender criticism of
what is spoken. 'Tis this great equality and ingenuousness that renders
this game of questions so charming and entertaining, and the more that
it invites the indefinable complement of sex. Only where the sexes are
brought into sympathy, is conversation possible. Where women are, men
speak best; for the most part, below themselves, where women are not.
And the like holds presumably of companies composed solely of women.
Good discourse wins from the bashful and discreet what they have to
speak, but would not, without this provocation. The forbidding faces
are Fates to overbear and blemish true fellowship. We give what we are,
not necessarily what we know; nothing more, nothing less, and only to
our kind, those playing best their parts who have the nimblest wits,
taking out the egotism, the nonsense; putting wisdom, information, in
their place. Humor to dissolve, and wit to fledge your theme, if you
will rise out of commonplace; any amount of erudition, eloquence of
phrase, scope of comprehension; figure and symbol sparingly but fitly.
Who speaks to the eye, speaks to the whole mind.
Most people are too exclusively individual for conversing. It costs
too great expenditure of magnetism to dissolve them; who cannot leave
himself out of his discourse, but embarrasses all who take part in it.
Egotists cannot converse, they talk to themselves only.
Conversation with plain people proves more agreeable and profitable,
usually, than with companies more pretentious and critical. It is wont
to run the deeper and stronger without impertinent interruptions,
inevitable where cultivated egotism and self-assurance are present
with such. There remains this resource, of ignoring civilly the
interruption, and proceeding as if the intrusion had not been
interposed.
"Oft when the wise
Appears not wise, he works the greater good."
"Never allow yourself," said Goethe, "to be betrayed into a dispute.
Wise men fall into ignorance if they dispute with ignorant men."
Persuasion is the finest artillery. It is the unseen guns that do
execution without smoke or tumult. If one cannot win by force of wit,
without cannonade of abuse, flourish of trumpet, he is out of place in
parlors, ventures where he can neither forward nor grace fellowship.
The great themes are feminine, and to be dealt with delicately. Debate
is masculine; conversation is feminine.