DECORATED
_Somewheres in France, April 2._
FRIEND AL: Well Al yesterday was April Fool and you ought to seen what I
pulled on 1 of the boys Johnny Alcock and it was a screen and some of the
boys is still laughing over it yet but he is I of the kind that he can't
see a joke at their own expenses and he swelled up like a poison pup and
now he is talking about he will get even with me, but the bird that gets
even with me will half to get up a long time before revelry eh Al.
Well Al I will tell you what I pulled on him and I bet you will bust your
sides. Well it seems like Johnny has got a girl in his home town Riverside,
Ill. near Chi and that is he don't know if he has got her or not because
him and another bird was both makeing a play for her, but before he come
away she told him to not worry, but the other bird got himself excused out
of the draft with a cold sore or something and is still there in the old
town yet where he can go and call on her every night and she is libel to
figure that maybe she better marry him so as she can have some of her
evenings to herself and any way she might as well of told Johnny to not
scratch himself over here as to not worry because for some reason another
the gal didn't write to him last month at lease he didn't get no letters
and maybe they got lost or she had writers cramps or something but any way
every time the mail come and nothing for him he looked like he had been
caught off second base.
Well the day before yesterday he was reading 1 of the letters he got from
this baby 5 or 6 wks. ago on acct. of not haveing nothing better to read
and he left the envelope lay on the floor and I was going to hand it back
to him but I happened to think that yesterday would be April Fool so I kept
a hold of the envelope and I got a piece of paper and wrote April Fool on
it and stuck it in the envelope and fixed it up so as it would look like a
new letter and I handed it to him yesterday like it was mail that had only
just came for him and you ought to see him when he tore it open and didn't
find nothing only April Fool in it. At first he couldn't say nothing but
finely he says "That's some comedy Keefe. You ought to be a end man in the
stretcher bearers minstrels" and he didn't crack a smile so I said "What's
the matter with you can't you take a joke?" So he said "What I would like
to take is a crack at your jaw." So I said "Well it's to bad your arms is
both paralyzed." Well Al they's nothing the matter with his arms and I was
just kidding him because as far as him hitting anybody is conserned I was
just as safe as the gen. staff because he ain't much bigger than a cutie
and for him to reach my jaw he would half to join the aviation.
Well of course he didn't start nothing but just said he would get back
at me if it took him till the duration of the war and I told some of the
other boys about putting it over on him and they couldn't hardly help from
smileing but he acts like a baby and don't speak to me and I suppose maybe
he thinks that makes me feel bad but I got to be 25 yrs. old before I ever
seen him and if his head was blowed off tomorrow A. M. I would try and show
up for my 3 meals a day if you could call them that.
But speaking about April Fool Al I just stopped writeing to try and light
a cigarette with 1 of these here French matchs and every one of them is a
April Fool and I guess the parents of the kids over here don't never half
to worry about them smokeing to young because even if they had a box of
cigarettes hid in their cradle they would be of age before they would run
across a match that lit and I wouldn't be scared to give little Al a bunch
and turn him loose in a bbl. of gasoline.
Well Al I suppose you been reading in the papers about the Dutchmens
starting a drive vs. the English up in the northren part of the section and
at first it looked like the English was going to leave them walk into the
Gulf Stream and scald themself to death, but now it seems like we have got
them slowed up at lease that's the dope we get here but for all the news
we get a hold of we might as well of jumped to the codfish league on the
way over and once in a wile some of the boys gets a U. S. paper a mo. old
but they hog onto it and don't leave nobody else see it but as far as I am
conserned they can keep it because I haven't no time to waist reading about
the Frisco fair or the Federal League has blowed up and etc. And of course
they's plenty of newspapers from Paris but all printed in la la la so as
every time you come to a word you half to rumage through a dictionary and
even when you run it down its libel to mean 20 different articles and by
the time you figured out whether they are talking about a st. car or a
hot bath or a raisin or what and the he--ll they are talking about they
wouldn't be no more news to it then the bible and it looks to me Al like
it would be a good idear if you was to drop me a post card when the war is
over so as I can tell Capt. Seeley or he will still be running us ragged to
get in shape a couple of yrs. after the last of the Dutchmens lays molting
in the grave.
Jokeing to 1 side Al you probably know what's going on a long wile before
we do and the only chance we would have to know how a battle come out would
be if we was in it and they's no chance of that unless they send us up to
the northern part of the section to help out because Van Hindenburg must
have something under his hat besides bristles and he ain't a sucker enough
to start driveing vs. the front that we are behind it unless he is so
homesick that he can't stand it no longer in France.
Your pal, JACK.
* * * * *
_Somewheres in France, April 6._
FRIEND AL: Well Al 1 of the Chi newspapers is getting out a paper in Paris
and printed in English and I just seen a copy of it where the Allys has
finely got wise to themself and made 1 man gen. of all the Allys and it was
a sucker play to not do that long ago only it looks to me like they pulled
another boner by makeing a Frenchman the gen. and I suppose they done it
for a complement to the Frenchmens on acct. of the war being here, but even
suppose this here Foch is a smart gen. and use his brains and etc. it looks
to me like it would of been a whole lot better to of picked out a man that
can speak English because suppose we was all in a big battle or something
and he wanted we should go over the top and if he said it in French why
most of the boys hasn't made no attempts to master the language and as far
as they was conserned he might as well be telling them to wash their neck.
Or else they would half to be interpeters to translate it out in English
what he was getting at and by the time he give the orders to fire and the
interpeter looked it up and seen what it meant in English and then tell
us about it the Dutchmens would be putting peep holes through us with a
bayonet and besides the French word for fire in English is feu in French
and you say it like it was few and if Gen. Foch yelled few we might think
he was complaining of the heat.
But at that its better to have I man running it even a Frenchman then a lot
of different gens, telling us to do this in that and the other thing every
one of them different and suppose they done that in baseball Al and a club
had 3 or 4 mgrs. and suppose for inst. it come up to the 9th. inning and we
needed some runs and it was Benz's turn to hit and 1 mgr. would tell him to
go up and hit for himself and another mgr. would tell Murphy to go up and
hit for him and another mgr. would send Risberg up and another would send
Russell and the next thing you know they would be 2 of them swinging from 1
side of the plate and 2 from the other side and probably busting each other
in the bean with their bats but you take most bird's beans and what would
break would be Mr. Bat. But its the same in war like in baseball and you
got to have 1 man running it. With a lot of different gens. in command,
1 of them might tell the men to charge while another was telling them to
pay cash. Jokeing to 1 side Al some of our boys have overtook a section
up along the Moose river and I wouldn't dast write about it only its been
printed in the papers all ready so I am not giveing away no secrets to the
Dutchmens. At lease they don't mind us writeing something that's came out
in the papers though as far as I can see how would the Dutchmens know it
any more if it was in the papers or not, because they ain't so choked with
jack over in Germany that they are going to spend it on U. S. papers a mo.
old and even when they got them they would half to find somebody that could
read English and hadn't been killed for it and it would be like as if I
should spend part of my $15 a mo. subscribeing to the Chop Suey Bladder
that you would half to lay on your stomach and hold it with your feet to
get it right side up and even then it wouldn't mean nothing. But any way
the Dutchmens is going to know sooner or later that we are in the war and
what's the differents if they meet us at the Moose or the Elks? Jokeing a
side Al I guess you won't be supprised to hear how I have picked up in the
riffle practice and I knew right along that I couldn't hardly help from
being a A No. 1 marksman because a man that had almost perfect control in
pitching you might say would be bound to shoot straight when they got the
hang of it and don't be supprised if I write you 1 of these days that I
been appointed a snipper that sets up in a tree somewheres and picks off
the boshs whenever they stick their head up and they call them snippers so
pretty soon my name is libel to be Jake Snipe instead of Jack Keefe, but
seriously Al I can pick off them targets like they was cherrys or something
and maybe I won't half to go in the trenchs at all.
I guess I all ready told you about that little trick I pulled on Johnny
Alcock for a April Fool gag and at first he swelled up like a poison pup
and wouldn't talk to me and said he wouldn't never rest till he got even.
Well he finely got a real letter from the gal back home and she is still
waiting for him yet so he feels O. K. again and I and him are on speaking
turns again and I am glad to not be scraping with him because I don't never
feel right unless I am pals with everybody but they can't nobody stay sore
at me very long and even when some of the boys in baseball use to swell up
when I pulled 1 of my gags on them it wouldn't last long because I would
just smile at them and they would half to smile back and be pals and I
always say that if a man can't take a joke he better take acid or something
and make a corps out of himself instead of a monkey.
Your pal, JACK.
* * * * *
_Somewheres in France, April 11._
FRIEND AL: Well Al I don't suppose you knew I was a detective but when it
comes to being a dick it looks like I don't half to salute Win. Burns or
Shylock or none of them.
Seriously Al I come onto something today that may turn out to be something
big and then again it may not but it looks like it was something big only
of course it has got to be kept a secret till I get the goods on a certain
bird and I won't pull it till I have got him right and in that way he won't
suspect nothing until its to late. But I know you wouldn't breath a word
about it and besides it wouldn't hurt nothing if you did because by the
time you get this letter the whole thing will be over and this bird to who
I refer will probably own a peace of land in France with a 2 ft. frontidge
and 6 ft. deep. But you will wonder what am I trying to get at so maybe
I better explain myself. Well Al they's a big bird in our Co, name Geo.
Shaffer and that's a German name because look at Schaefer that use to play
ball in our league and it was spelt different but they called him Germany
and he thought he was funny and use to pull gags on the field but I guess
he didn't feel so funny the day Griffith sent him up to hit against me in
the pinch I day at Washington and if the ball he hit had of went straight
out instead of straight up it would of pretty near cleared the infield. But
any way this bird Shaffer in our Co. is big enough to have a corporal to
himself and they must of spent the first Liberty Loan on his uniform and
he hasn't hardly said a word since we been in France and for a wile we
figured it was just because he was a crab and to grouchy to talk, but now
I wouldn't be supprised Al if the real reason was on acct. of him being a
Dutchman and maybe can't talk English very good. Well I would feel pretty
mean to be spying on most of the boys that's been good pals with me, but
when a man is a pro German spy himself they's no question of friendship and
etc. and whatever I can do to show this bird up I won't hesitate a minute.
Well Al this bird was writeing a letter last night and he didn't have no
envelope and he asked me did I have I and I said no and he wouldn't of
never spoke only to say Gimme but when I told him I didn't have no envelope
he started off somewheres to get 1 and he dropped the last page out of the
letter he had been writeing and it was laying right there along side of me
and of course I wouldn't of paid no tension to it only it was face up so as
I couldn't help from seeing it and what I seen wasn't no words like a man
would write in a letter but it was a bunch of marks like a x down at the
bottom and they was a whole line of them like this
x x x x x x x x x x x
Well that roused up my suspicions and I guess you know I am not the kind
that reads other people's letters even if I don't get none of my own to
read but this here letter I kind of felt like they was something funny
about it like he was writeing in ciphers or something so I picked the page
up and read it through and sure enough they was parts of it in ciphers and
if a man didn't have the key you couldn't tell what and the he--ll he was
getting at.
Well Al I was still studing the page yet when he come back in and they
wasn't nothing for me to do only set on it so as he wouldn't see I had
it and he come over and begin looking for it and I asked him had he lost
something to throw him off the track and he said yes but he didn't say what
it was and that made it all the more suspicious so he finely give up
looking and went out again.
Well I have got it put away where he can't get a hold of it because I
showed it to Johnny Alcock this A. M. and asked him if it didn't look like
something off color and he said yes it did and if he was me he would turn
it over to Capt. Seeley but on 2d thoughts he said I better keep it a wile
and at the same time keep a eye on Shaffer and get more evidents vs. him
and then when I had him dead to rights I could turn the letter and the rest
of the evidents over to Capt. Seeley and then I would be sure to get the
credit for showing him up. Well Al I figure this 1 page of his letter is
enough or more then enough only of course its best to play safe and keep my
eyes pealed and see what comes off and I haven't got time to copy down the
whole page Al and besides they's a few sentences that sounds O. K. and I
suppose he put them in for a blind but you can't get away from them x marks
Al and I will write down a couple other sentences and I bet you will agree
that they's something fishy about them and here is the sentences to which I
refer:
"In regards to your question I guess I understand O. K. In reply will say
yes I. L. Y. more than Y. L. M. Am I right."
"Have you saw D. Give him a ring and tell the old spinort I am W. C. T. U.
outside of a little Vin Blank."
Can you make heads or tales out of that Al? I guess not and neither could
anybody else except they had the key to it and the best part of it is his
name is signed down at the bottom and if he can explain that line of talk
he is a wonder but he can't explain it Al and all as he can do is make
a clean brest of the whole business and Alcock thinks the same way and
Alcock says he wished he had of been the 1 that got a hold of this evidents
because whoever turned it over to Capt. Sceley along with what other facts
I can get a hold of will just about get a commission in the intelligents
dept. and that's the men that looks after the pro German spys Al and gets
the dope on them and shows them up and I would probably have my head
quarters in Paris and get good money besides my expenses and I would half
to pass up the chance to get in the trenchs and fight but they's more ways
of fighting then 1 and in this game Al a man has got to go where they send
you and where they figure they would do the most good and if my country
needs me to track after spys I will sacrifice my own wishs though I would
a whole lot rather stay with my pals and fight along side of them and not
snoop round Paris fondleing door nobs like a night watchman. But Alcock
says he would bet money that is where I will land and he says "You ought
to feel right at home in the intelligents dept. like a camel in Lake Erie"
and he says the first chance I get I better try and start up a conversation
with Shaffer and try and lead him on and that is the way they trap them is
to ask them a whole lot of questions and see what they have got to say and
if you keep fireing questions at them they are bound to get balled up and
then its good night.
Well I don't suppose it seems possible to you stay at homes that they could
be such a thing like a pro German spy in the U. S. army and how did he get
there and why did they leave him in and etc. Well Al you would be supprised
to know how many of them has slipped in and Alcock says that at first it
amounted to about 200% but the intelligents officers has been on their sent
all the wile and most of them has been nailed and when they get them they
shoot them down like a dog and that's what Shaffer will get Al and he is
out of luck to be so big because all as the fireing squad would half to do
would be look at their compass and see if he was east or west of them and
then face their riffle in that direction and let go.
I will write and let you know how things comes along.
Your pal, JACK.
* * * * *
_Somewheres in France, April 14._
FRIEND AL: Well Al I am closeing the net of evidents around Shaffer and I
guess I all ready got enough on him to make out a case that he couldn't
never wrinkle out of it but Capt. Seeley is away and I can't do nothing
till he gets back.
I had my man on the grill today Al and I thought he would be a fox and
not criminate himself but I guess I went at him so smooth he didn't never
suspect nothing till along towards the finish and then it was to late.
I don't remember all that was said but it run along these lines like
as follows: In the first place I asked him where he lived and he said
Milwaukee Ave. in Chi and I don't know if you know it or not Al but that's
a st. where they have got traffic policemens at the corners to blow their
whistles once for the Germans to go north and south and twice for them to
go east and west. So then I said was he married and he says no. So then I
asked him where he was born and he said "What and the he--ll are you the
personal officer?" So I laughed it off and said "No but I thought maybe
we come from the same part of the country." So he says something about
everybody didn't half to come from the country but he wouldn't come out and
say where he did come from so then I kind of led around to the war and I
made the remark that the German drive up on the north side of France didn't
get very far and he says maybe they wasn't through. How was that for a fine
line of talk Al and he might as well have said he hoped the Germans
wouldn't never be stopped.
Well for a minute I couldn't hardly help from takeing a crack at him but in
these kind of matters Al a man has got to keep a hold of themself or they
will loose their quarry so I kind of forced a smile and said "Well I guess
they would have kept going if they could of." And then he says "Yes but
they half to stop every once in a wile to bring up Van Hindenburg." So I
had him traped Al and quick is a flash I said "Who told you their plans?"
And he says "Oh he--ll my mother in law" and walked away from me.
Well Al it was just like sometimes when they are trying a man for murder
and he says he couldn't of did it because he was over to the Elite jazing
when it come off and a little wile later the lawyer asks him where did he
say he was at when the party was croked and he forgets what he said the
1st. time and says he was out to Lincoln Pk. kidding the bison or something
and the lawyer points out to the jury where his storys don't jib and the
next thing you know he is dressed up in a hemp collar a couple sizes to
small.
And that's the same way I triped Shaffer getting him to say he wasn't
married and finely when I have him cornered he busts out about his mother
in law. Well Al I don't know of no way to get a mother in law without
marrying into one. So I told Alcock tonight what had came off and he says
it looked to him like I had a strong case and if he was me he would spill
it to Capt. Seeley the minute he gets back. And he said "You lucky stiff
you won't never see the inside of a front line trench." So I asked him
what he meant and he repeated over again what he said about them takeing
me in the intelligents dept. So it looks like I was about through being a
doughboy Al and pretty soon I will probably be writeing to you from Paris
but I don't suppose I will be able to tell you what I am doing because
that's the kind of a job where mum is the word.
Your pal, JACK.
* * * * *
_Somewheres in France, April 16._
FRIEND AL: Well old pal don't be supprised if I write you the next time
from Paris. I have got a date to see Capt. Seeley tomorrow and Lieut.
Mather fixed it up for me to see him but I had to convince the lieut. that
it wasn't no monkey business because they's always a whole lot of riffs and
raffs asking Capt. Seeley can they have a word with him and what they want
is to borry his knife to pair their finger nails.
But I guess he won't be sorry he seen me Al not when I show him the stuff
I have got on this bird and he will probably shake me by the hand and say
"Well Keefe Uncle Sam is proud of you but you are waisting your time here
and I will be sorry to loose you but it looks like you belong in other
fields." And he will wire a telegram to the gen. staff reccomending me to
go to Paris.
I guess I all ready told you some of the stuff I have got on this bird but
I have not told you all because the best one didn't only happen last night.
Well on acct. of I and Alcock being friends he has kind of been keeping a
eye pealed on Shaffer to help me out and he found a letter last night that
Shaffer had wrote and this time it was the whole letter with the address
and everything and who do you suppose it was to? Well Al it was to Van
Hindenburg himself and I have got it right here where I can keep a eye on
it and believe me it's worth watching and I wished I could send it to you
so you could see for yourself what kind of a bird we are dealing with. But
that's impossible Al but they's nothing to keep me from copping it off.
Well the letter is wrote in German and to show you what a foxy bird he is
he wrote it out in printing so as if it got found by somebody they couldn't
prove he wrote it because when words is wrote out in printing it looks just
the same who ever wrote it and you can't tell. But he wasn't foxy enough to
not sign G. S. down to the bottom of it and that stands for his name George
Shaffer and he is the only G. S. in the Co. so it looks like we had him up
in a tree. Here is what the letter says:
"Field Marshall Van Hindenburg, c/o Die Vierten Dachshunds, Deutscher
Armee, Flanders. 500,000 U. S. Soldaten schon in Frankreich doch. In
Lauterbach habe Ich mein Strumpf verloren und ohne Strumpf gehe Ich nicht
heim. xxxxxxx G.S."
Notice them x marks again Al like in the other letter and the other letter
was probably to Van Hindenburg to and I only wished I knew what the x marks
means but maybe some of the birds that's all ready in the intelligents
dept. can figure it out. But they's no mystery about the rest of it Al
because Alcock understands German and he translated it out what the German
words means and here is what it means:
500,000 United States soldiers in France all ready yet. Will advise you
when to attack on this front.
How is that Al for a fine trader and spy to tell the gen. of the German
army how many soldiers we got over here and to not attack till Shaffer says
the word and he was probably going to say it wile we was all asleep or
something. But thanks to me Al he will be the one that is asleep and it
will be some sleep Al and it will make old Rip and Winkle look like they
had the colic and when the boys finds out what I done for them I guess they
won't be nothing to good for me. But it will be to late for them to show
their appreciations because I won't be here no more and the boys probably
won't see me again till its all over and we are back in the old U. S.
because Alcock was talking to a bird that's in the int. dept. and he says 1
of their dutys was to keep away from everybody and not leave them know who
you are. Because of course if word got out that you was a spy chaser the
spys wouldn't hardly run up and kiss you on the st. but they would duck
when they seen you and you would have as much chance to catch them as
though you was trolling for wales with a grass hopper.
And from this bird's dope that Alcock was talking to I will half to leave
off my uniform and wear plain close and maybe wear false whiskers and etc.
so as people who see me the 1st. time I will look different to them the
next time they see me and maybe I will half to let my mustache grow and
grease it so as they will think maybe I am a Dutchman and if they are
working for the Kaiser I could maybe pump them.
But they's 1 thing I don't like about it Al because Alcock says Paris is
full of women that isn't exactly spys but they have been made a fool out of
and they are some German's duke but the Dutchmens tells them a whole lot
of things that Uncle Sam would like to know and I would half to find them
things out and the only way to do that would be to get them stuck on me and
I guess that wouldn't be no chore but when a gal gets stuck on you they
will tell you everything they know and wile with most gals I ever seen they
could do that without dropping another nickle still and all it would be
different with these gals in Paris that's been the tools of some Dutchmens
because you take a German and he don't never stop braging till he inhales a
bayonet.
[Illustration: When a gal gets stuck on you they will tell you everything
they know.]
But it don't seem fair to make love to them and pertend like I was nuts
over them and then when I had learned all they was to know I would half to
get rid of them and cast them to 1 side and god knows how many wounds I
will leave behind me but probably as many as though I was a regular soldier
or snipper but then I wouldn't feel so bad about it because it would be men
and not girlies but everything goes in war fair as they say Al and if Uncle
Sam and Gen. Pershing asks me to do it I will do whatever they ask me and
they can't nobody really hold it vs. me because of why I am doing it.
But talking about snippers Al I noticed today that I wasn't near as good as
usual in the riffle practice and it was like as if I was haveing a slump
like some of the boys does in baseball when they go along 5 or 6 days
without finding out who is umpireing the bases and I am afraid that is how
it would be with me in snipping I would be O. K. part of the time and the
rest of the time I couldn't hit Europe and maybe I would fall down when
they was depending on me and then I would feel like a rummy so I guess I
better not try and show up so good in practice even when I do feel O. K.
because they might make a snipper out of me without knowing my weakness and
I figure its something the matter with my eyes. Besides Al it don't seem
like its a fair game to be pecking away at somebody that they can't see
you and aren't looking for no supprise and its a whole lot different then
fighting with a bayonet where its man to man and may the best man win.
Well Al I guess I have told you all the news and things is going along
about as usual and they don't seem to be no prospects of us overtakeing a
section up to the front but its just train and train and train and if the
ball clubs had a training trip like we been haveing they would be so tired
by the 1 of May that they wouldn't run out a base on balls. Yesterday we
past by a flock of motor Lauras that was takeing wounded back to a base
hospital somewheres and Alcock was talking to 1 of the drivers and he said
that over 100% of the birds that's getting wounded and killed these days is
the snippers and the boshs don't never rest till they find out where there
nests is at and then they get all their best marksmens and aim at where
they think the snipper has got his nest and then its good night snipper and
he is either killed right out or looses a couple of legs or something. I
certainly feel sorry for the boys that's wounded Al and every time we see
a bunch of them all us boys is crazy to get up there to the front and get
even for what they done.
Well old pal I will half to get busy now and overlook the dope I have got
on Shaffer so as I will have everything in order for Capt. Seeley and I
will write and let you know how things comes out.
Your pal, JACK.
* * * * *
_Somewheres in France, April 18._
FRIEND AL: Well Al they's a whole lot of birds that thinks they are wise
and always trying to pull off something on somebody but once in a wile they
pick out the wrong bird to pull it on and then the laugh is on the smart
Alex themself.
Well Alcock and some of them thought they was putting up a game on me and
was going to make me look like a monkey but before I get through with them
Al they will be the suckers and I will be giveing them the horse laugh but
what I ought to do is bust them in the jaw and if I was running this war
every bird that tried to pull off some practical joke to put a man in bad,
I would give a lead shower in their honor some A. M. before breakfast.
Alcock was trying to make me believe that 1 of the boys in the Co. name
Geo. Shaffer was a German spy or something and they framed up a letter like
as if he wrote it to Van Hindenburg giveing away secrets in German about
our army and etc. but they made the mistake of signing his initials to the
letter so when I come to think it over I seen it must be a fake because a
bird that was a real spy wouldn't never sign their own name to a letter but
they would sign John Smith or something.
But any way I had a hold of this letter and a peace of another letter that
Shaffer really did write it and I thought I would show them to Capt. Seeley
and play it safe because they might be something in them after all and any
way it would give him a good laugh. So yesterday I went and seen him and he
says "Well Keefe what can I do for you?" So I said "You can't do nothing
for me sir but this time I can do something for you. What would you think
if I told you they was a trader and a German spy in your Co." So he says "I
would think you were crazy." So I said "I am afraid you will half to think
so then but maybe you won't think I am so crazy when I show you the goods."
So then Al I pulled that 1st. peace of a letter on him and showed it to him
and he read it and when he got through he says "Well it looks suspicious
all right. It looks like the man that wrote it was hacking up a big plot
to spring a few dependents on his local board the next time they draft
him." So I said "The bird that wrote that letter is a Dutchman name Geo.
Shaffer." So Capt. Seeley says "Well I wish him all the luck in the world
and a lot of little Shaffers." So I said "Yes but what about them x marks
and all them letters without no words to them?" So he said "Didn't you
never correspond with a girl and put some of them xs down to the bottom of
your letter?" So I says "I have wrote letters to a whole lot of girls but
I never had to write nothing in ciphers because I wasn't never ashamed of
anything I wrote." So he said "Well your lady friends was all cheated then
because this is ciphers all right but its the kind of messages they love to
read because it means kisses."
Well Al of course I knew it meant something like that but I didn't think a
big truck horse like Shaffer would make such a mushmellow out of himself.
But anyway I said to Capt. Seeley I says "All right but what about them
other initials without no words to go with them?" And he says "Well that's
some more ciphers but they's probably a little gal out in Chi that don't
half to look at no key to figure it out."
So then I pulled the other letter on him the 1 in German and he also smiled
when he read this one and finely he says "Some of your pals has been
playing a trick on you like when you come over on the ship and the best
thing you can do is to tear the letters up and keep it quite and don't
leave nobody know you fell for it. And now I have got a whole lot to tend
to so good by."
So that's all that was said between us and I come away and come back to
quarters and Alcock and 2 or 3 of the other boys was there and Alcock knew
where I had been and I suppose he had told the other birds and they was all
set to give me the Mary ha ha but I beat them to it.
"Well Alcock" I says when I come in "you are some joke Smith but you
wouldn't think you was so funny if I punched your jaw." So he turned kind
of pail but he forced a smile and says "Well I guess the Vin Blank is on
you this time." So I said "You won't get no Vin Blank off me but what you
are libel to get is a wallop in the jaw." So he says "You crabbed at me
a wile ago for not takeing a joke but it looks like you was the one that
couldn't take them now." So I said "What I would like to take is a poke
at your nose." So that shut him up and they didn't none of them get their
laugh because I had them scared and if they had of laughed I would of made
them swallow it.
So after all Al the laugh is on them because their gag fell dead and I
guess the next time they try and pull some gag they will pick out some hick
from some X roads to pull it on and not a bird that has traveled all over
the big leagues and seen all they is to see.
Well Al I am tickled to death I won't half to give up my uniform and snoop
around Paris like a white wings double crossing women and spying and etc.
and even if the whole thing hadn't of been just a joke I was going to ask
Capt. Seeley to not reccomend me to no int. dept. but jest leave me be
where I am at so as when the time comes I can fight fair like man to man
and not behind no woman's skirts like a cur.
So you see Al everything is O. K. after all and the laugh is on Alcock and
his friends because they was the ones that expected to do all the laughing
but instead of that I made a monkey out of them.
Your pal, JACK.
* * * * *
_Somewheres in France, April 23._
FRIEND AL: Well Al if you would see my face you would think I had been
attending a barrage or something or else I had been in a bar room fight
only of course if it was a fair fight I wouldn't be so kind of marred up
like I am. But I had a accident Al and fell over a bunk and lit on the old
bean and the result is Al that I have got a black eye and a bad nose and my
jaw is swole a little and my ears feels kind of dull like so I guess the
ladys wouldn't call me Handsome Jack if they seen me but it will be all O.
K. in a few days and I will be the same old Jack.
But I will tell you how it come off. I was setting reading a letter from
Florrie that all as she said in it was that she had boughten herself a
new suit that everybody says was the cutest she ever had on her back just
like I give a dam because by the time I see her in it she will of gave
it to little Al's Swede. But any way I was reading this letter when in
come Shaffer the bird that was mixed up in that little gag about the fake
spy and he come up to me and says "Well you big snake who's male are you
reading now?" Well Al him calling me big is like I would say hello Jumbo to
a flee. But any way I says "My own male and who and the he--ll male would
I be reading?" So he said "Well its hard to tell because you stole some of
mine and read it and not only that but you showed it to the whole A. E. F.
so now stand up and take what's comeing to you."
Well Al I thought he was just kidding so I says "I come over here to fight
Germans and not 1 of my own pals." So he says "Don't call me no pal, but
if you come to fight Germans now is your chance because you say I'm 1 of
them."
Well he kind of made a funny motion like he wanted to spar or wrestle or
something and I thought he meant it in a friendly way like we sometimes
pull off a rough house once in a wile so I stood up but before I had a
chance to take holds with him he cut loose at me with his fists doubled up
and I kind of triped or something and fell over a bench and I must have hit
something sharp on the way down and I kind of got scratched up but they are
only scratchs and don't amt. to nothing. Only I wished I knew he had of
been serious and I would of made a punching bag out of him and you can bet
that the next time he wants to start something I won't wait to see if he
is jokeing but I will tear into him and he will think he run into a Minnie
Weffers.
Well I suppose Alcock was sore at me for getting the best of him and not
falling for his gag and he was afraid to tackle me himself and he told big
Shaffer a peck of lies about some dam letter or something and said I stole
it and it made Shaffer sore and no wonder because who wouldn't be sore if
they thought somebody was reading their male. But a man like Shaffer that
if he stopped a shell the Dutchmens would half to move back a ways so as
they would be room enough in France to bury him hasn't got no right to
pick on a smaller man especially when I wasn't feeling good on acct. of
something I eat but at that Al size don't make no difference and its the
bird that's got the nerve and knows how that can knock them dead and if
Shaffer had of gave me any warning he would of been the 1 that is scratched
up instead of I though I guess he is to lucky to trip over a kit bag and
fall down and cut himself.
But my scratchs don't really amt. to nothing Al and in a few days I will be
like new.
Your pal, JACK.
* * * * *
_Somewheres in France, April 25._
FRIEND AL: Well old pal I have got some big news for you now. We been
ordered up to the front and its good by to this Class D burg and now for
some real actions and I am tickled to death and I only hope the Dutchmens
will loose their minds and try and start something up on the section where
we are going to and I can't tell you where its at Al but you keep watching
the papers and even if the boshs don't start nothing maybe we will start
something on our own acct. and the next thing you know you will read where
we have got them on the Lincoln highway towards Russia and believe me Al we
won't half to stop every little wile to bring up no Van Hindenburg but we
will run them ragged and they say the Germans is the best singers and when
they all bust out with Comrades they will make the Great Lakes band sound
like the Russia artillery.
Well Al I am so excited I can't write much and I have got a 100 things to
tend to so I will half to cut this letter short.
Well some of the other birds like Alcock and them is pertending like they
was tickled to death to but believe me Al if the orders was changed all of
a sudden and they told us we was going to stay here till the duration of
the war we wouldn't half to call on the Engrs. to dam their tear ducks. But
they pertend like they are pleased and keep whistleing so as they won't
blubber and today they all laughed their heads off at something that come
out in the Co. paper that some of the boys gets out but they laughed like
they was nervous instead of enjoying it.
Well what come out in the paper was supposed to be a joke on me and if they
think its funny they are welcome and I would send the paper to you that its
in only I haven't got only the 1 copy so I will copy it down and you can
see for yourself what a screen it is. Well they's 1 peace that's got up to
look like it was the casuality list in some regular newspaper and it says:
WOUNDED IN ACTION
Privates
Jack Keefe, Chicago, Ill. (Very)
And then they's another peace that reads like this:
DECORATED
"The Company has won its first war honors and Private Jack Keefe is the
lucky dog. Private Keefe has been decorated by Gen. George Shaffer of
the 4th. Dachshunds for extreme courage and cleverness in showing up a
dangerous nest of spies. Keefe was hit four times by large caliber shells
before he could say surrender. He was decorated with the Order of the
Schwarz Auge, the Order of the Rot Nase and the Order of the Blumenkohl
Ohren, besides which a Right Cross was hung on his jaw. Private Keefe takes
his honors very modestly, no one having even heard him mention them except
in stifled tones during the night."
Well Al all right if they can find something to amuse themself and they
need it I guess. But they better remember that they's plenty of time for
the laugh to be on the other foot before this war is over.
Your pal, JACK.