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[Illustration: Well, Al, just as this was coming off her old man come at
me]
THE REAL DOPE,
By
RING W. LARDNER
AUTHOR OF
GULLIBLE'S TRAVELS, MY FOUR WEEKS IN FRANCE,
TREAT 'EM ROUGH, ETC.
ILLUSTRATED BY
MAY WILSON PRESTON
AND
M. L. BLUMENTHAL
CHAPTER I
AND MANY A STORMY WIND SHALL BLOW
_On the Ship Board, Jan. 15._
FRIEND AL: Well Al I suppose it is kind of foolish to be writeing you a
letter now when they won't be no chance to mail it till we get across the
old pond but still and all a man has got to do something to keep themself
busy and I know you will be glad to hear all about our trip so I might as
well write you a letter when ever I get a chance and I can mail them to you
all at once when we get across the old pond and you will think I have wrote
a book or something.
Jokeing a side Al you are lucky to have an old pal thats going to see all
the fun and write to you about it because its a different thing haveing
a person write to you about what they see themself then getting the dope
out of a newspaper or something because you will know that what I tell you
is the real dope that I seen myself where if you read it in a newspaper
you know its guest work because in the 1st. place they don't leave the
reporters get nowheres near the front and besides that they wouldn't go
there if they had a leave because they would be to scared like the baseball
reporters that sets a mile from the game because they haven't got the nerve
to get down on the field where a man could take a punch at them and even
when they are a mile away with a screen in front of them they duck when
somebody hits a pop foul.
Well Al it is against the rules to tell you when we left the old U. S. or
where we come away from because the pro German spy might get a hold of a
man's letter some way and then it would be good night because he would send
a telegram to where the submarines is located at and they wouldn't send no
1 or 2 submarines after us but the whole German navy would get after us
because they would figure that if they ever got us it would be a rich hall.
When I say that Al I don't mean it to sound like I was swell headed or
something and I don't mean it would be a rich hall because I am on board or
nothing like that but you would know what I am getting at if you seen the
bunch we are takeing across.
In the 1st. place Al this is a different kind of a trip then the time I
went around the world with the 2 ball clubs because then it was just the 1
boat load and only for two or 3 of the boys on board it wouldn't of made no
difference if the boat had of turned a turtle only to pave the whole bottom
of the ocean with ivory. But this time Al we have got not only 1 boat load
but we got four boat loads of soldiers alone and that is not all we have
got. All together Al there is 10 boats in the parade and 6 of them is what
they call the convoys and that means war ships that goes along to see that
we get there safe on acct. of the submarines and four of them is what they
call destroyers and they are little bits of shafers but they say they can
go like he--ll when they get started and when a submarine pops up these
little birds chases right after them and drops a death bomb on to them and
if it ever hits them the capt. of the submarine can pick up what is left of
his boat and stick a 2 cent stamp on it and mail it to the kaiser.
Jokeing a side I guess they's no chance of a submarine getting fat off
of us as long as these little birds is on watch so I don't see why a man
shouldn't come right out and say when we left and from where we come from
but if they didn't have some kind of rules they's a lot of guys that
wouldn't know no better then write to Van Hinburg or somebody and tell them
all they know but I guess at that they could use a post card.
Well Al we been at sea just two days and a lot of the boys has gave up the
ghost all ready and pretty near everything else but I haven't felt the
least bit sick that is sea sick but I will own up I felt a little home sick
just as we come out of the harbor and seen the godess of liberty standing
up there maybe for the last time but don't think for a minute Al that I
am sorry I come and I only wish we was over there all ready and could get
in to it and the only kick I got comeing so far is that we haven't got no
further then we are now on acct. that we didn't do nothing the 1st. day
only stall around like we was waiting for Connie Mack to waggle his score
card or something.
But we will get there some time and when we do you can bet we will show
them something and I am tickled to death I am going and if I lay down my
life I will feel like it wasn't throwed away for nothing like you would die
of tyford fever or something.
Well I would of liked to of had Florrie and little Al come east and see me
off but Florrie felt like she couldn't afford to spend the money to make
another long trip after making one long trip down to Texas and besides we
wasn't even supposed to tell our family where we was going to sail from
but I notice they was a lot of women folks right down to the dock to bid
us good by and I suppose they just guessed what was comeing off eh Al? Or
maybe they was all strangers that just happened to be there but I'll say I
never seen so much kissing between strangers. Any way I and my family had
our farewells out west and Florrie was got up like a fancy dress ball and I
suppose if I die where she can tend the funeral she will come in pink
tights or something.
Well Al I better not keep on talking about Florrie and little Al or I will
do the baby act and any way its pretty near time for chow but I suppose you
will wonder what am I talking about when I say chow. Well Al that's the
name we boys got up down to Camp Grant for stuff to eat and when we talk
about food instead of saying food we say chow so that's what I am getting
at when I say its pretty near time for chow.
Your pal, JACK.
* * * * *
_On the Ship Board, Jan. 17._
FRIEND AL: Well Al here we are out somewheres in the middle of the old pond
and I wished the trip was over not because I have been sea sick or anything
but I can't hardly wait to get over there and get in to it and besides they
got us jammed in like a sardine or something and four of us in 1 state room
and I don't mind doubleing up with some good pal but a man can't get no
rest when they's four trying to sleep in a room that wouldn't be big enough
for Nemo Liebold but I wouldn't make no holler at that if they had of left
us pick our own roomys but out of the four of us they's one that looks like
he must of bribed the jury or he wouldn't be here and his name is Smith and
another one's name is Sam Hall and he has always got a grouch on and the
other boy is O. K. only I would like him a whole lot better if he was about
1/2 his size but no he is as big as me only not put up like I am. His name
is Lee and he pulls a lot of funny stuff like this A. M. he says they must
of thought us four was a male quartette and they stuck us all in together
so as we could get some close harmony. That's what they call it when they
hit them minors.
Well Al I always been use to sleeping with my feet in bed with me but you
can't do that in the bunk I have got because your knee would crack you in
the jaw and knock you out and even if they was room to strech Hall keeps
crabbing till you can't rest and he keeps the room filled up with cigarette
smoke and no air and you can't open up the port hole or you would freeze
to death so about the only chance I get to sleep is up in the parlor in a
chair in the day time and you don't no sooner set down when they got a life
boat drill or something and for some reason another they have a role call
every day and that means everybody has got to answer to their name to see
if we are all on board just as if they was any other place to go.
When they give the signal for a life boat drill everybody has got to stick
their life belt on and go to the boat where they have been given the number
of it and even when everybody knows its a fake you got to show up just the
same and yesterday they was one bird thats supposed to go in our life boat
and he was sea sick and he didn't show up so they went after him and one of
the officers told him that wasn't no excuse and what would he do if he was
sea sick and the ship was realy sinking and he says he thought it was realy
sinking ever since we started.
Well Al we got some crowd on the boat and they's two French officers along
with us that been giveing drills and etc. in one of the camps in the U. S.
and navy officers and gunners and a man would almost wish something would
happen because I bet we would put up some battle.
Lee just come in and asked me who was I writeing to and I told him and he
says I better be careful to not write nothing against anybody on the trip
just as if I would. But any way I asked him why not and he says because all
the mail would be opened and read by the censor so I said "Yes but he won't
see this because I won't mail it till we get across the old pond and then I
will mail all my letters at once."
So he said a man can't do it that way because just before we hit land the
censor will take all our mail off of us and read it and cut out whatever
he don't like and then mail it himself. So I didn't know we had a censor
along with us but Lee says we certainly have got one and he is up in the
front ship and they call that the censor ship on acct. of him being on
there.
Well Al I don't care what he reads and what he don't read because I am not
the kind that spill anything about the trip that would hurt anybody or get
them in bad. So he is welcome to read anything I write you might say.
This front ship is the slowest one of the whole four and how is that for
fine judgment Al to put the slowest one ahead and this ship we are on is
the fastest and they keep us behind instead of leaving us go up ahead and
set the pace for them and no wonder we never get nowheres. Of course that
ain't the censor's fault but if the old U. S. is in such a hurry to get men
across the pond I should think they would use some judgment and its just
like as if Hughey Jennings would stick Oscar Stanage or somebody ahead of
Cobb in the batting order so as Cobb couldn't make to many bases on a hit.
Well Al I will have to cut it out for now because its pretty near time for
chow and that's the name we got up out to Camp Grant for meals and now
everybody in the army when they talk about food they call it chow.
Your pal, JACK.
* * * * *
_On the Ship Board, Jan. 19._
FRIEND AL: Well Al they have got a new nickname for me and now they call
me Jack Tar and Bob Lee got it up and I will tell you how it come off. Last
night was one rough bird and I guess pretty near everybody on the boat were
sick and Lee says to me how was it that I stood the rough weather so good
and it didn't seem to effect me so I says it was probably on acct. of me
going around the world that time with the two ball clubs and I was right at
home on the water so he says "I guess we better call you Jack Tar."
So that's how they come to call me Jack Tar and its a name they got for old
sailors that's been all their life on the water. So on acct. of my name
being Jack it fits in pretty good.
Well a man can't help from feeling sorry for the boys that have not been
across the old pond before and can't stand a little rough spell but it
makes a man kind of proud to think the rough weather don't effect you when
pretty near everybody else feels like a churn or something the minute a
drop of water splashes vs. the side of the boat but still a man can't
hardly help from laughing when they look at them.
Lee says he would of thought I would of enlisted in the navy on acct. of
being such a good sailor. Well I would of Al if I had knew they needed
men and I told Lee so and he said he thought the U. S. made a big mistake
keeping it a secret that they did need men in the navy till all the good
ones enlisted in the draft and then of course the navy had to take what
they could get.
Well I guess I all ready told you that one of the boys in our room is named
Freddie Smith and he don't never say a word and I thought at 1st. it was
because he was a kind of a bum like Hall that didn't know nothing and
that's why he didn't say it but it seems the reason he don't talk more is
because he can't talk English very good but he is a Frenchman and he was a
waiter in the big French resturent in Milwaukee and now what do you think
Al he is going to learn Lee and I French lessons and Lee fixed it up with
him. We want to learn how to talk a little so when we get there we can make
ourself understood and you remember I started studing French out to Camp
Grant but the man down there didn't know nothing about what he was talking
about so I walked out on him but this bird won't try and learn us grammer
or how you spell it or nothing like that but just a few words so as we can
order drinks and meals and etc. when we get a leave off some time. Tonight
we are going to have our 1st. lesson and with a man like he to learn us we
ought to pick it up quick.
Well old pal I will wind up for this time as I don't feel very good on
acct. of something I eat this noon and its a wonder a man can keep up at
all where they got you in a stateroom jammed in like a sardine or something
and Hall smokeing all the while like he was a freight engine pulling a
freight train up grade or something.
Your pal, JACK.
* * * * *
_On the Ship Board, Jan. 20._
FRIEND AL: Just a line Al because I don't feel like writeing as I was taken
sick last night from something I eat and who wouldn't be sick jammed in a
room like a sardine.
I had a kind of a run in with Hall because he tried to kid me about being
sick with some of his funny stuff but I told him where to head in. He
started out by saying to Lee that Jack Tar looked like somebody had knocked
the tar out of him and after a while he says "What's the matter with the
old salt tonight he don't seem to have no pepper with him." So I told him
to shut up.
Well we didn't have no French lesson on acct. of me being taken sick but
we are going to have a lesson tonight and pretty soon I am going up and
try and eat something and I hope they don't try and hand me no more of that
canned beans or whatever it was that effected me and if Uncle Sam wants his
boys to go over there and put up a battle he shouldn't try and poison them
first.
Your pal, JACK.
* * * * *
_On the Ship Board, Jan. 21._
FRIEND AL: Well Al I was talking to one of the sailors named Doran to-day
and he says in a day or 2 more we would be right in the danger zone where
all the subs hangs out and then would come the fun and we would probably
all have to keep our clothes on all night and keep our life belts on and I
asked him if they was much danger with all them convoys guarding us and he
says the subs might fire a periscope right between two of the convoys and
hit our ship and maybe the convoys might get them afterwards but then it
would be to late.
He said the last time he come over with troops they was two subs got after
this ship and they shot two periscopes at this ship and just missed it and
they seem to be laying for this ship because its one of the biggest and
fastest the U. S. has got.
Well I told Doran it wouldn't bother me to keep my clothes on all night
because I all ready been keeping them on all night because when you have
got a state room like ours they's only one place where they's room for a
man's clothes and that's on you.
Well old pal they's a whole lot of difference between learning something
from somebody that knows what they are talking about and visa versa. I and
Lee and Smith got together in the room last night and we wasn't at it more
than an hour but I learned more then all the time I took lessons from that
4 flusher out to Camp Grant because Smith don't waist no time with a lot of
junk about grammer but I or Lee would ask him what was the French for so
and so and he would tell us and we would write it down and say it over till
we had it down pat and I bet we could pretty near order a meal now without
no help from some of these smart alex that claims they can talk all the
languages in the world.
In the 1st. place they's a whole lot of words in French that they's no
difference you might say between them from the way we say it like beef
steak and beer because Lee asked him if suppose we went in somewheres and
wanted a steak and bread and butter and beer and the French for and is
und so we would say beef steak und brot mit butter schmieren und bier and
that's all they is to it and I can say that without looking at the paper
where we wrote it down and you can see I have got that much learned all
ready so I wouldn't starve and when you want to call a waiter you call him
kellner so you see I could go in a place in Paris and call a waiter and get
everything I wanted. Well Al I bet nobody ever learned that much in I hour
off that bird out to Camp Grant and I'll say its some speed.
We are going to have another lesson tonight but Lee says we don't want to
try and learn to, much at once or we will forget what we all ready learned
and they's a good deal to that Al.
Well Al its time for chow again so lebe wohl and that's the same like good
by in French.
Your pal, JACK.
* * * * *
_On the Ship Board, Jan. 22._
FRIEND AL: Well Al we are in what they call the danger zone and they's some
excitement these days and at night to because they don't many of the boys
go to sleep nights and they go to their rooms and pretend like they are
going to sleep but I bet you wouldn't need no alarm clock to make them jump
out of bed.
Most of the boys stays out on deck most of the time and I been staying out
there myself most all day today not because I am scared of anything because
I always figure if its going to happen its going to happen but I stay out
because it ain't near as cold as it was and besides if something is comeing
off I don't want to miss it. Besides maybe I could help out some way if
something did happen.
Last night we was all out on deck in the dark talking about this and that
and one of the boys I was standing along side of him made the remark that
we had been out nine days and he didn't see no France yet or no signs of
getting there so I said no wonder when we had such a he--ll of a censor
ship and some other guy heard me say it so he said I better not talk like
that but I didn't mean it like that but only how slow it was.
Well we are getting along O. K. with the French lessons and Bob Lee told
me last night that he run across one of the two French officers that's on
the ship and he thought he would try some of his French on him so he said
something about it being a nice day in French and the Frenchman was tickled
to death and smiled and bowed at him and I guess I will try it out on them
the next time I see them.
Well Al that shows we been learning something when the Frenchmans themself
know what we are talking about and I and Lee will have the laugh on the
rest of the boys when we get there that is if we do get there but for some
reason another I have got a hunch that we won't never see France and I
can't explain why but once in a while a man gets a hunch and a lot of times
they are generally always right.
Your pal, JACK.
* * * * *
_On the Ship Board, Jan. 23._
FRIEND AL: Well Al I was just out on deck with Lee and Sargent Bishop and
Bishop is a sargent in our Co. and he said he had just came from Capt.
Seeley and Capt. Seeley told him to tell all the N. C. O. officers like
sargents and corporals that if a sub got us we was to leave the privates
get into the boats first before we got in and we wasn't to get into our
boats till all the privates was safe in the boats because we would probably
be cooler and not get all excited like the privates. So you see Al if
something does happen us birds will have to take things in hand you might
say and we will have to stick on the job and not think about ourselfs till
everybody else is taken care of.
Well Lee said that Doran one of the sailors told him something on the quiet
that didn't never get into the newspapers and that was about one of the
trips that come off in December and it seems like a whole fleet of subs got
on to it that some transports was comeing so they layed for them and they
shot a periscope at one of the transports and hit it square in the middle
and it begun to sink right away and it looked like they wouldn't nobody get
into the boats but the sargents and corporals was as cool as if nothing was
comeing off and they quieted the soldiers down and finely got them into the
boats and the N. C. O. officers was so cool and done so well that when Gen.
Pershing heard about it he made this rule about the N. C. O. officer always
waiting till the last so they could kind of handle things. But Doran also
told Lee that they was some men sunk with the ship and they was all N. C.
O. officers except one sailor and of course the ship sunk so quick that
some of the corporals and sargents didn't have no time to get off on
acct. of haveing to wait till the last. So you see that when you read the
newspapers you don't get all the dope because they don't tell the reporters
only what they feel like telling them.
Well Al I guess I told you all ready about me haveing this hunch that I
wouldn't never see France and I guess it looks now more then ever like my
hunch was right because if we get hit I will have to kind of look out for
the boys that's in my boat and not think about myself till everybody else
is O. K. and Doran says if this ship ever does get hit it will sink quick
because its so big and heavy and of course the heavier a ship is it will
sink all the sooner and Doran says he knows they are laying for us because
he has made five trips over and back on this ship and he never was on a
trip when a sub didn't get after them.
Well I will close for this time because I am not feeling very good Al and
it isn't nothing I eat or like that but its just I feel kind of faint like
I use to sometimes when I would pitch a tough game in St. Louis when it was
hot or something.
Your pal, JACK.
* * * * *
_On the Ship Board, Jan. 23._
FRIEND AL: Well I all ready wrote you one letter today but I kind of feel
like I better write to you again because any minute we are libel to hear
a bang against the side of the boat and you know what that means and I
have got a hunch that I won't never get off of the ship alive but will go
down with her because I wouldn't never leave the ship as long as they was
anybody left on her rules or no rules but I would stay and help out till
every man was off and then of course it would be to late but any way I
would go down feeling like I had done my duty. Well Al when a man has got a
hunch like that he would be a sucker to not pay no tension to it and that
is why I am writeing to you again because I got some things I want to say
before the end.
Now old pal I know that Florrie hasn't never warmed up towards you and
Bertha and wouldn't never go down to Bedford with me and pay you a visit
and every time I ever give her a hint that I would like to have you and
Bertha come up and see us she always had some excuse that she was going
to be busy or this and that and of course I knew she was trying to alibi
herself and the truth was she always felt like Bertha and her wouldn't have
nothing in common you might say because Florrie has always been a swell
dresser and cared a whole lot about how she looked and some way she felt
like Bertha wouldn't feel comfortable around where she was at and maybe she
was right but we can forget all that now Al and I can say one thing Al she
never said nothing reflecting on you yourself in any way because I wouldn't
of stood for it but instead of that when I showed her that picture of you
and Bertha in your wedding suit she made the remark that you looked like
one of the honest homely kind of people that their friends could always
depend on them. Well Al when she said that she hit the nail on the head and
I always knew you was the one pal who I could depend on and I am depending
on you now and I know that if I am laying down at the bottom of the ocean
tonight you will see that my wishs in this letter is carried out to the
letter.
What I want to say is about Florrie and little Al. Now don't think Al that
I am going to ask you for financial assistants because I would know better
then that and besides we don't need it on acct. of me having $10000 dollars
soldier insurence in Florrie's name as the benefitter and the way she is
coining money in that beauty parlor she won't need to touch my insurence
but save it for little Al for a rainy day only I suppose that the minute
she gets her hands on it she will blow it for widows weeds and I bet they
will be some weeds Al and everybody will think they are flowers instead of
weeds.
But what I am getting at is that she won't need no money because with what
I leave her and what she can make she has got enough and more then enough
but I often say that money isn't the only thing in this world and they's
a whole lot of things pretty near as good and one of them is kindness and
what I am asking from you and Bertha is to drop in on her once in a while
up in Chi and pay her a visit and I have all ready wrote her a letter
telling her to ask you but even if she don't ask you go and see her any way
and see how she is getting along and if she is takeing good care of the kid
or leaving him with the Swede nurse all the while.
Between you and I Al what I am scared of most is that Florrie's mind will
be effected if anything happens to me and without knowing what she was
doing she would probably take the first man that asked her and believe me
she is not the kind that would have to wait around on no st. corner to
catch somebody's eye but they would follow her around and nag at her till
she married them and I would feel like he--ll over it because Florrie is
the kind of a girl that has got to be handled right and not only that but
what would become of little Al with some horse Dr. for a father in law and
probably this bird would treat him like a dog and beat him up either that
or make a sissy out of him.
Well Al old pal I know you will do like I ask and go and see her and maybe
you better go alone but if you do take Bertha along I guess it would be
better and not let Bertha say nothing to her because Florrie is the kind
that flare up easy and specially when they think they are a little better
then somebody. But if you could just drop her a hint and say that she
should ought to be proud to be a widow to a husband that died for Uncle Sam
and she ought to live for my memory and for little Al and try and make him
as much like I as possible I believe it would make her think and any way I
want you to do it for me old pal.
Well good by old pal and I wished I could leave some thing to you and
Bertha and believe me I would if I had ever known this was comeing off this
way though of course I figured right along that I wouldn't last long in
France because what chance has a corporal got? But I figured I would make
some arrangements for a little present for you and Bertha as soon as I got
to France but of course it looks now like I wouldn't never get there and
all the money I have got is tied up so its to late to think of that and all
as I can say is good luck to you and Bertha and everybody in Bedford and I
hope they will be proud of me and remember I done my best and I often say
what more can a man do then that?
Well Al I will say good by again and good luck and now have got to quit and
go to chow.
Your pal to the last, JACK KEEFE.
* * * * *
_On the Ship Board, Jan. 24._
FRIEND AL: Well this has been some day and wait till you hear about it and
hear what come off and some of the birds on this ship took me for a sucker
and tried to make a rummy out of me but I was wise to their game and I
guess the shoe is on the other foot this time.
Well it was early this A. M. and I couldn't sleep and I was up on deck and
along come one of them French officers that's been on board all the way
over. Well I thought I would try myself out on him like Lee said he done so
I give him a salute and I said to him "Schones tag nicht wahr." Like you
would say its a beautiful day only I thought I was saying it in French but
wait till you hear about it Al.
Well Al they ain't nobody in the world fast enough to of caught what he
said back to me and I won't never know what he said but I won't never
forget how he looked at me and when I took one look at him I seen we wasn't
going to get along very good so I turned around and started up the deck.
Well he must of flagged the first man he seen and sent him after me and it
was a 2d. lieut. and he come running up to me and stopped me and asked me
what was my name and what Co. and etc. and at first I was going to stall
and then I thought I better not so I told him who I was and he left me go.
Well I didn't know then what was comeing off so I just layed low and I
didn't have to wait around long and all of a sudden a bird from the
Colonel's staff found me in the parlor and says I was wanted right away and
when I got to this room there was the Col. and the two Frenchmans and my
captain Capt. Seeley and a couple others so I saluted and I can't tell you
exactly what come off because I can't remember all what the Colonel said
but it was something like this.
In the first place he says "Corporal Keefe they's some little matters
that you have got to explain and we was going to pass them up first on the
grounds that Capt. Seeley said you probably didn't know no better but this
thing that come off this A. M. can't be explained by ignorants."
So then he says "It was reported that you was standing on deck the night
before last and you made the remark that we had a he--ll of a censor ship."
And he says "What did you mean by that?"
So you see Al this smart alex of a Lee had told me they called the first
ship the censor ship and I believed him at first because I was thinking
about something else or of course I never would of believed him because
the censor ship isn't no ship like this kind of a ship but means something
else. So I explained about that and I seen Capt. Seeley kind of crack a
smile so then I knew I was O. K.
So then he pulled it on me about speaking to Capt. Somebody of the French
army in the German language and of course they was only one answer to that
and you see the way it was Al all the time Smith was pretending to learn
us French he was learning us German and Lee put him up to it but when the
Colonel asked me what I meant by doing such a thing as talk German why of
course I knew in a minute that they had been trying to kid me but at first
I told the Colonel I couldn't of said no German because I don't know no
more German than Silk O'Loughlin. Well the Frenchman was pretty sore and I
don't know what would of came off only for Capt. Seeley and he spoke up and
said to the Colonel that if he could have a few minutes to investigate he
thought he could clear things up because he figured I hadn't intended to do
nothing wrong and somebody had probably been playing jokes.
So Capt. Seeley went out and it seemed like a couple of yrs. till he came
back and he had Smith and Lee and Doran with him. So then them 3 birds was
up on the carpet and I'll say they got some panning and when it was all
over the Colonel said something about they being a dam site to much kidding
back and fourth going on and he hoped that before long we would find out
that this war wasn't no practicle joke and he give Lee and Smith a fierce
balling out and he said he would leave Capt. Seeley to deal with them
and he would report Doran to the proper quarters and then he was back on
me again and he said it looked like I had been the innocent victim of a
practicle joke but he says "You are so dam innocent that I figure you are
temperately unfit to hold on to a corporal's warrant so you can consider
yourself reduced to the ranks. We can't have no corporals that if some
comedian told them the Germans was now one of our allies they would try
and get in the German trenches and shake hands with them."
Well Al when it was all over I couldn't hardly keep from laughing because
you see I come out of it O. K. and the laugh was on Smith and Lee and Doran
because I got just what I wanted because I never did want to be a corporal
because it meant I couldn't pal around with the boys and be their pals and
I never felt right when I was giveing them orders because I would rather be
just one of them and make them feel like we were all equals.
Of course they wasn't no time on the whole trip when Lee or Doran or Smith
either one of them had me fooled because just to look at them you would
know they are the kind of smart alex that's always trying to put something
over on somebody only I figured two could play at that game as good as one
and I would kid them right back and give them as good as they sent because
I always figure that the game ain't over till the ninth inning and the man
that does the laughing then has got all the best of it. But at that I don't
bear no bad will towards neither one of them and I have got a good notion
to ask Capt. Seeley to let them off easy.
Well Al this is a long letter but I wanted you to know I wasn't no corporal
no more and if a sub hits us now Al I can hop into a boat as quick as I
feel like it but jokeing a side if something like that happened it wouldn't
make no difference to me if I was a corporal or not a corporal because I am
a man and I would do my best and help the rest of the boys get into the
boats before I thought about myself.
Your pal, JACK.
* * * * *
_On the Ship Board, Jan. 25._
FRIEND AL: Well old pal just a line to let you know we are out of the
danger zone and pretty near in port and I can't tell you where we land at
but everybody is hollering and the band's playing and I guess the boys
feels a whole lot better then when we was out there where the subs could
get at us but between you and I Al I never thought about the subs all the
way over only when I heard somebody else talk about them because I always
figure that if they's some danger of that kind the best way to do is just
forget it and if its going to happen all right but what's the use of
worrying about it? But I suppose lots of people is built different and
they have just got to worry all the while and they get scared stiff just
thinking about what might happen but I always say nobody ever got fat
worrying so why not just forget it and take things as they come.
Well old pal they's to many sights to see so I will quit for this time.
Your pal, JACK.
* * * * *
_Somewheres in France, Jan. 26._
FRIEND AL: Well old pal here we are and its against the rules to tell you
where we are at but of course it don't take no Shylock to find out because
all you would have to do is look at the post mark that they will put on
this letter.
Any way you couldn't pronounce what the town's name is if you seen it
spelled out because it isn't nothing like how its spelled out and you won't
catch me trying to pronounce none of these names or talk French because I
am off of languages for a while and good old American is good enough for me
eh Al?
Well Al now that its all over I guess we was pretty lucky to get across the
old pond without no trouble because between you and I Al I heard just a
little while ago from one of the boys that three nights ago we was attacked
and our ship just missed getting hit by a periscope and the destroyers went
after the subs and they was a whole flock of them and the reason we didn't
hear nothing is that the death bombs don't go off till they are way under
water so you can't hear them but between you and I Al the navy men say they
was nine subs sank.
Well I didn't say nothing about it to the man who tipped me off but I had
a hunch that night that something was going on and I don't remember now if
it was something I heard or what it was but I knew they was something in
the air and I was expecting every minute that the signal would come for
us to take to the boats but they wasn't no necessity of that because the
destroyers worked so fast and besides they say they don't never give no
alarm till the last minute because they don't want to get everybody up at
night for nothing.
Well any way its all over now and here we are and you ought to of heard
the people in the town here cheer us when we come in and you ought to see
how the girls look at us and believe me Al they are some girls. Its a good
thing I am an old married man or I believe I would pretty near be tempted
to flirt back with some of the ones that's been trying to get my eye but
the way it is I just give them a smile and pass on and they's no harm in
that and I figure a man always ought to give other people as much pleasure
as you can as long as it don't harm nobody.
Well Al everybody's busier then a chicken with their head off and I haven't
got no more time to write. But when we get to where we are going I will
have time maybe and tell you how we are getting along and if you want drop
me a line and I wish you would send me the Chi papers once in a while
especially when the baseball training trips starts but maybe they won't be
no Jack Keefe to send them to by that time but if they do get me I will die
fighting. You know me Al.
Your pal, JACK.