THE YOUNG IMMIGRUNTS
[Illustration:
_Art studios
Main St._
_Stiegleman Bros._
_The Author—“Bill”_]
The
Young Immigrunts
_By_
RING W. LARDNER, JR.
WITH A PREFACE BY
THE FATHER
_Portraits by Gaar Williams_
INDIANAPOLIS
THE BOBBS-MERRILL COMPANY
PUBLISHERS
COPYRIGHT 1920
THE CURTIS PUBLISHING COMPANY
COPYRIGHT 1920
THE BOBBS-MERRILL COMPANY
_Printed in the United States of America_
PRESS OF
BRAUNWORTH & CO.
BOOK MANUFACTURERS
BROOKLYN, N. Y.
CONTENTS
CHAPTER PAGE
PREFACE BY THE FATHER ix
1 MY PARENTS 13
2 STARTING GAILY 19
3 ERIE LAKE 29
4 BUFFALO TO ROCHESTER 76.4 39
5 MY FATHER’S IDEAR 44
6 SYRACUSE TO HUDSON 183.2 50
7 HUDSON 63
8 HUDSON TO YONKERS 106.5 71
9 THE BUREAU OF MANHATTAN 76
10 N. Y. TO GRENITCH 500.0 78
11 HOW IT ENDED 82
[Illustration:
9¼
MILES
PIANOS
GENESEE
STREET
]
LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS
PAGE
The Author _Frontispiece_
The Rest of the Family 15
Granmother at Goshen 21
Uncle Bill 25
Uncle and Ant in Detroit 31
The Bride and Glum 35
The Man with the Adams Apple 41
The Dirty Mechanic 47
Dr. and Mrs. Heywood 53
The Policeman at Albany 59
A Man of 12 Years 65
The Lanlady 69
The Policeman at New Rochelle 79
Our nurse 83
[Illustration:
CITY LIMITS
SPEED
NINE (9) MILES
]
PREFACE
The person whose name is signed to this novel was born on the
nineteenth day of August, 1915, and was therefore four years and three
months old when the manuscript was found, late in November, 1919. The
narrative is substantially true, with the following exceptions:
1. “My Father,” the leading character in the work, is depicted as a
man of short temper, whereas the person from whom the character was
drawn is in reality as pleasant a fellow as one would care to meet
and seldom has a cross word for any one, let alone women and children.
2. The witty speeches accredited to “My Father” have, possibly owing
to the limitations of a child’s memory, been so garbled and twisted
that they do not look half so good in print as they sounded in the
open air.
3. More stops for gas were made than are mentioned in the story.
As the original manuscript was written on a typewriter with a rather
frayed ribbon, and as certain words were marked out and others
hand-written in, I have taken the liberty of copying the entire
work with a fresh ribbon and the inclusion of the changes which the
author indicated in pencil in the first draft. Otherwise the story is
presented to the reader exactly as it was first set down.
THE FATHER.
THE YOUNG IMMIGRUNTS
[Illustration: FREE AIR
GAS]
The Young Immigrunts
CHAPTER 1
My Parents
My parents are both married and ½ of them are very good looking. The
balance is tall and skiny and has a swarty complexion with moles but
you hardily ever notice them on account of your gaze being rapped up
in his feet which would be funny if brevvity wasnt the soul of wit.
Everybody says I have his eyes and I am glad it didnt half to be
something else tho Rollie Zeider the ball player calls him owl eyes for
a nick name but if I was Rollie Zeider and his nose I wouldnt pick on
somebodys else features.
He wears pretty shirts which he bought off of another old ball player
Artie Hofman to attrack tension off of his feet and must of payed a big
price for them I heard my ant tell my uncle when they thorght I was a
sleep down to the lake tho I guess he pays even more for his shoes if
they sell them by the frunt foot.
I was born in a hospittle in Chicago 4 years ago and liked it very much
and had no idear we were going to move till 1 day last summer I heard
my mother arsk our nurse did she think she could get along O. K. with
myself and 3 brothers John Jimmie and David for 10 days wilst she and
my old man went east to look for a costly home.
[Illustration: _The Rest of the Family_]
Well yes said our nurse barshfully.
I may as well exclaim to the reader that John is 7 and Jimmie is 5 and
I am 4 and David is almost nothing as yet you might say and tho I was
named for my father they call me Bill thank God.
The conversation amungst my mother and our nurse took place right after
my father came back from Toledo where Jack Dempsey knocked Jessie
Willard for a gool tho my father liked the big fellow and bet on him.
David was in his bath at the time and my mother and our nurse and
myself and 2 elder brothers was standing around admireing him tho I
notice that when the rest of the family takes their bath they dont make
open house of the occassion.
Well my parents went east and dureing their absents myself and brothers
razed hell with David on the night shift but when they come back my
mother said to the nurse were they good boys.
Fine replid our nurse lamely and where are you going to live.
Connecticut said my mother.
Our nurse forced a tired smile.
Here we will leave my parents to unpack and end this chapter.