_A Horse with a Nose._
DID any one ever see a horse without a nose? It cannot, therefore, be
meant, at the heading of this chapter, to draw any distinction between a
horse with a nose, and a horse without one. We say of a dog, he has got
a good nose; that is, if, as hound, pointer, or retriever, he can scent
or find his game _well_. A man we have seen without a nose, and a very
painful sight it is to see any feature of the human face in any way
distorted; but that such a man can "smell a rat," denotes not that he
has a peculiar quality of scent, but that he is a cunning fellow, and
can look a little deeper into the artifices of men and their motives
than others are aware of. Some men have indeed the smoothest faces, and
the simplest manners, and yet retain the utmost cunning, or, if men like
it better, wisdom in the world. They can smell a rat,--they can discover
a flaw in the indictment,--they can see how an adversary may be
overthrown, and can quietly stir up strife and pick the pocket of friend
or foe, without of course doing any thing wrong; defrauding any one, or
in any way letting the sufferer himself suppose that he is the victim or
tool, or goose to be plucked by the cunning craft and subtlety of the
deceiver.
[Illustration]
If men will ruin themselves, whose fault is it? but, if they do so,
there are plenty to rise upon their ruin, and to laugh at their folly.
Conscience, they say, makes cowards of all men; but that conscience must
be founded, not upon any man's judgement, but their own. There never was
any man who did no wrong that could be afflicted by his own conscience;
but there never was a man, who by his own unaided judgment, ever did
right so perfectly, that his conscience could entirely acquit him of
every base and sordid motive. Many may be very highly honourable and
upright men, and yet have a great many rogues to deal with, and scarcely
know how to deal with them. The best way is to say nothing, but avoid
them.
Doctor Gambado had a patient come to him of this kind, and he was a
lawyer who stood _very, very_ high in his station one hundred years ago.
He was provokingly ill,--ill in his body,--ill in his mind,--ill at ease
with himself,--and dreadfully afflicted with such disturbed thoughts at
night, that his sleep went from him, and his conscience had no rest.
It is very provoking to have a troublesome conscience; but it is more
provoking still, not to be able to quiet that conscience by any common
or uncommon means. Simon Deuce, Esq. who actually attained the eminence
of high authority, not in the court of Conscience, or in the court of
Equity, but in Chancery, had retired from business and left his
son-in-law, Sir Charles Dubious, his house in Billiter-square. He
himself took a mansion on Blackheath, and there he sought in vain for
that enjoyment of rest and contentment, which good men only inherit in
their latter end.
Physic was in vain,--advice, such as most men give, produced no
cessation of anxiety. He became moody, sullen, morose, irritable,
dogmatic, and all but absolutely irrational. His faculties were
piercingly sound, his memory most acute, his legal knowledge clear, and
his discovery of transgressions of law were every day displayed before
his eyes, from those who rode in a coronetted barouche, to those who
rode in a donkey cart. He loved, actually loved to make complaints, and
to see the law carried out; and in petty acts of tyranny he was so
absolute a persecutor, that he was a terror to all who lived around him.
Generosity was never in his nature, neither did he ever pretend to teach
it, or observe its laws. In fact, every one was considered by him as a
weak fool, who did either a kind or generous act, beyond the positive
obligation of the law.
What happiness could such a man have in his retirement? His great
happiness was the accumulation of money in the funds, and these
occasioned him a momentary excitement. His friend, Samuel Ryecross, of
Ryecross-house, Blackheath, advised him to consult Doctor Gambado.
"Do you mean Gambado, the horse dealer?"
"He is not a horse dealer."
"I say he is a horse dealer, and ought to take out a licence for horse
dealing. He does not do so, and I have half a mind to have him up, and
bring him into court for cheating, defrauding, and robbing the
government."
"I think you must have been misinformed. I believe he is really a very
clever, honest man, and gives good sound practical advice to all his
patients."
"Yes, so I have heard; and all of it is 'Ride on horseback.' If I went
to consult him, I should only get that advice. I know it before hand,
and have no inclination to throw away a guinea for it."
"But is it bad advice in your case? would it not do you good to try it?
Why, if you know his remedy, do you not pursue it?"
"Because I do not think it would do me any good."
"Well, you have tried a great many doctors. Let me drive you in my
phaeton to Bread-street, and let us hear what the Doctor says."
"Will you pay the Doctor?"
"Yes, if you will follow his advice."
"Done, we will go."
They did go.
The Doctor knew the man he had to deal with, and yet he had confidence
in the horseback exercise as the best cure for him, and he told him so.
"Have you got a horse that would suit me?"
"There is a fine strong horse in my stables, that I think would suit
you."
"May we go and look at him?"
"I will go with you."
Samuel Ryecross was rather surprised; but Simon Deuce gave him a look,
as much as to say, '_I told you he was a horse dealer_.'
When they went to the stables, John Tattsall was there himself, and not
being known to either of the gentlemen, they both supposed him to be the
groom in the employ of Doctor Gambado.
"John, I have brought a customer to look at the great brown horse. Is he
at home?"
"He is, sir; I will lead him out."
He led him out,--rode him,--and Mr. Deuce asked the Doctor what his
price was. The Doctor said, "John, what did you say the horse was
worth?"
"Ninety guineas, sir, and not a farthing less. I would not let the
gentleman have him for one guinea less."
"Will you order him to be sent to my house on Blackheath?"
"Shall I ride him there now, and bring back your cheque?" said John
Tattsall.
"You may, if you please, my man."
John bowed, and after ascertaining the name of the abode, Billiter
house, Blackheath, he rode off.
"In what name, Doctor, shall I write the cheque?" for, presuming that
the Doctor was not professionally a horse dealer, though he considered
that he had bought the horse of him, he had a mind to see if he shrunk
at all from the responsibility.
The Doctor replied, "In the name of the very man who delivers him, John
Tattsall; and I hope the horse will suit you, sir, and do you good."
"There," said Mr. Deuce to his friend Ryecross, "what say you now to the
Doctor dealer? hey! Is not my deal with him this day sufficient to
convict him before any bench of Magistrates in all the counties of
England. If I do not take the shine out of this Doctor Gambado, then say
that Simon Deuce knows nothing of the law."
When they got home, the horse had arrived.
The cheque was written:
"Pay John Tattsall," &c. &c.
John touched his hat, walked off with his money, took a cab to
Lombard-street, got the cheque cashed; and called and thanked the Doctor
for his recommendation.
The very next day, the Doctor received a summons to answer the charge of
being a horse dealer without a licence for that purpose. The suit was
preferred in the name of Deuce _v._ Gambado.
Of course, all these things are put into regular process of law, with
which we shall not entertain the public. In due time, the case came on
in the proper court, and Mr. Deuce swore that he bought such a horse of
Doctor Gambado, and that the Doctor's servant, John Tattsall, delivered
the horse at Billiter-house, Blackheath. Samuel Ryecross was witness to
the transaction. The cheque was produced in court, and Mr. Deuce was
lauded very highly for his sense of justice in not allowing the
government to be defrauded, and more in not allowing that highly
respectable profession of M.D. F.R.S. to be a covering to the tricks and
degradation of a horse dealer without a licence.
Never, however, was Deuce more confounded in all his life, than by the
cross examination of Serjeant Sharp.
"Pray, sir, may I ask--Did you go to consult Doctor Gambado for any
complaint?"
"I went purposely, by the advice of my friend, Samuel Ryecross."
"For what purpose, Mr. Deuce?"
"To consult him."
"Were you ill at that time?"
"Decidedly not well."
"May I ask the nature of the complaint for which you consulted so
eminent a physician as Doctor Gambado?"
Mr. Deuce hesitated.
"I have no desire to know more of the complaint than you may think right
to tell us; but all who have heard of Doctor Gambado's patients, know
well that they are mostly afflicted with nervous depression. May I ask
if such was your case?"
"Yes, it was."
"You were deranged, sir; were you not?"
Mr. Deuce, with great vehemence, "No more deranged, sir, than you are."
"Do not be angry, sir, when I used the term _deranged_. I meant that
your system was a little deranged, disorganized, or so out of sorts, as
to produce a kind of physical disarrangement of the organs leading to
the brain, so as to create unpleasant sensations, dyspeptic habits,
sleepless nights, and a little of that irritability which we have just
seen, so as to render you a little impulsive, and not unlikely to be
mistaken."
Deuce did not like this at all, but he could not help saying
"It might be so."
"Oh! It might be so! Now, Mr. Deuce, I must put rather a strong question
to you:
"Did you ever accuse Doctor Gambado of being a horse dealer?"
"Not that I am aware of."
"Not that you are aware of! Now, sir, I must get you to tax your memory,
and I ask you plainly, did you not go on purpose to trap Doctor Gambado
into the selling you a horse, that you might bring him into a court of
justice?"
Mr. Deuce paused. He did not reply. He seemed nervous.
"Pray, sir, take your time. You are a member of the law, you know the
law, and the usages of a court of justice; and I am sure you will give
us a plain, straightforward answer."
"I did not go exactly with that intention. My friend, Mr. Ryecross,
persuaded me to consult him about myself."
"Now, sir, I shall cross-examine your friend, Mr. Ryecross. Did you or
did you not, at the very time that you went to consult this eminent
physician, say to your friend, that he, meaning Doctor Gambado, was a
horse dealer, and not a physician?"
"I might have so said."
"Pray, sir, do you understand the law of libel? I shall strongly
recommend my client, let the result of this action be what it may, to
bring an action against you, sir, for one of the grossest acts of
libellous intention this court has ever heard of; and, if I mistake not
the judgement this day will decide, whether a gentleman like yourself is
to utter a libel of a ruinous tendency to so high a professional man,
with impunity.
"Then you did say he was a horse dealer?"
"Yes, I did."
"Pray, sir, had you any previous acquaintance with Doctor Gambado?"
"None whatever."
"Then, I presume you acted in this manner entirely upon hearsay
evidence?"
"I certainly did."
"You had no quarrel with Doctor Gambado?"
"None whatever."
"Was it a sense of justice to your country, that entirely induced you to
try and _smell a rat_ in this gentleman's character?"
"It was."
"And on that account you laid this information against him?"
"I did."
"It was not from any morbid indulgence of any splenetic humour with
which you were at that time afflicted, that induced you to bring this
action?"
"Oh, dear, no!"
"I may say then, sir, you considered it entirely pro bono publico?"
"Quite so."
"You have told the court, sir, that you purchased the horse of Doctor
Gambado?"
"I did so certainly."
"You are sure he sold it to you?"
"I am quite sure."
"Pray, sir, did you ask him, if the horse was his that you bought?"
"I asked him if he had any horse that would suit me."
"What was his reply?"
"To the best of my knowledge, it was that he had one in his stables that
would suit me."
"Now, sir, did he say, that _he had a horse_ in his stables that would
suit you?"
"I understood him so."
"Pray, Mr. Deuce, be sure; because I should be sorry to convict you of a
wilful and direct falsehood. I pray you to be sure. Did he say _he had a
horse that would suit you_? or did he say, _there was a horse in his
stables that would suit you_?"
"It never struck me before,--he might certainly say, _there was a
horse_; but I took him to mean, that _he had one_ that he could sell
me."
"Come, sir, I am very glad to find that you have a disposition to
correct the evidence you have given for the prosecution. You have
sufficient legal acumen to distinguish between a man saying, _there is
such a horse_, and _I have such a horse_; the latter sentence would go
to identify the ownership of the horse, or a declaration to that
effect."
"He might then say, _there was a horse in his stable_?"
"Well, I think he did say so."
"And you did not ask whether the horse was his or not?"
"I did not."
Let Mr. Samuel Ryecross be called.
"You are the friend of the last witness,--are you not?"
"I am."
"You have known him for some years?"
"I have."
"Did you persuade him to consult Doctor Gambado?"
"I did."
"Upon what grounds?"
"Because of his dyspeptic habits."
"Did they not almost amount to monomania?"
"I considered that at times they did."
"Was he not very splenetic?"
"Very."
"I ask you, if he has not, in the neighbourhood of Blackheath, the
character of being very litigious?"
"He is very unpopular."
"He quarrels with everybody?"
"He makes himself conspicuous for finding fault with all transgressors
of the law."
"Is he not very angry?"
"He is very easily provoked."
"Now, sir, I think, when you proposed to consult Doctor Gambado, that he
objected?"
"He did so."
"Upon what grounds?"
"Upon grounds that would, if true, disqualify any medical man, for
professional consistency."
"What were these grounds?"
"He said he was a mere horse dealer,--that he would give him advice to
ride on horseback, and would sell him a horse to do so."
"Did you believe his assertion?"
"No. I not only doubted it; but stoutly contradicted it."
"You had a better opinion of Doctor Gambado?"
"I had."
"Now, sir, did not your friend actually say to you, that he would have
the fellow up, meaning Doctor Gambado, for being a horse dealer without
a licence?"
"He did."
"Did he not go to the Doctor with that intent?"
"I verily believe he did; but I certainly did not accompany him with any
such intent."
"You recommended him purely for his health?"
"I did; and, moreover, I paid the Doctor's fee, upon the promise that he
would follow the Doctor's advice."
"Are Mr. Deuce's habits penurious?"
"Extremely so."
"Then how comes he to be so litigious?"
"He finds that costs him very little, if any thing in the end."
"He considers, then, in this case, that my client will be mulcted in
costs?"
"I have no doubt he does."
"Were you present when he consulted Doctor Gambado?"
"I was."
"What was his advice?"
"Ride on horseback."
"Did you consider that good advice?"
"I did."
"What question did your friend put to the Doctor about the horse?"
"He asked him, '_Have you got a horse that will suit me?_'"
"What was his reply?"
"There is a fine strong horse in my stables, that I think would suit
you."
"Are you sure that was his reply?"
"Quite sure."
"Did you consider that reply as affixing the ownership of the horse to
himself?"
"I confess that I did so."
"Did you see any triumphant glance, or recognition of Mr. Deuce's
sagacity, at having fulfilled the declaration of the accuser, that he
was a horse dealer?"
"Yes, I did."
"Did you think the horse was the Doctor's own?"
"I own, I did."
"Did you ask him if the horse was his?"
"No, I did not. I concluded it was so."
"Did you see the horse sold?"
"I did."
"Who do you consider sold the horse?
"I considered, to my great surprise, that Doctor Gambado sold the
horse."
"Then you altered your opinion of the Doctor."
"I did so, considerably."
"Was your friend very warm upon the subject of the Doctor's horse
dealing?"
"Very."
"Did you know of his resolution to bring this action?"
"I fully considered he would do so."
Mr. John Tattsall was then called.
"You are a horse dealer?"
"I am."
"You know both the plantiff and defendant?"
"I know the former, from having sold him a horse, have known the latter
many years."
"Pray, sir, do you hire Doctor Gambado's stables?"
"I hire stables of Doctor Gambado."
"How far from your own stables?"
"The back premises of each join."
"How long have you hired the Doctor's stables?"
"Fifteen years."
"How many horses do you generally keep there?"
"Ten, twelve, fourteen, and sometimes sixteen horses."
"Pray, are you in partnership with Doctor Gambado?"
"No, I am not."
"Has he any share in your business?"
"None whatsoever."
"Has he any horses?"
"Three of his own."
"In a separate stable?"
"In a stable adjoining to those I hire of him."
"To your knowledge, did the Doctor ever sell a horse?"
"Never."
"Has he any horses to sell?"
"None."
"You positively affirm upon oath that the Doctor is not a horse dealer?"
"I swear it."
"Did he ever sell a horse for you?"
"Never."
"Did you ever authorize him to sell a horse for you?"
"Never."
"Pray was the horse that the plantiff, Mr. Deuce, bought, your property
or the Doctor's?"
"Mine."
"Did the Doctor give the price of the horse to the gentleman, or did
you?"
"I did,--the Doctor asked me what I had said was the price of the horse,
and I told him,--and I told the gentleman I would not take one guinea
less for him than ninety guineas."
"Then, really and truly, you took the money for your own horse, kept it,
and did not give the Doctor a farthing?"
"I gave him nothing but 'Thank you, Doctor, for introducing to me a
customer.'"
"Had the Doctor seen the horse before?"
"Frequently, and admired him for the strength of his limbs, and for his
proportions."
"Do you remember what he said, when he brought the gentleman into your
or his yard?"
"Yes. 'John, I've brought a customer.'"
"You knew what that meant?"
"Of course I did, and I led out the brown horse myself, and paced him,
sold him, took the money; the cheque is, I suppose, in court: it was
written for me, and I had no idea the horse was sold by anybody but me,
to whom it belonged."
At this stage of the proceedings the solicitor for the prosecution
intimated that his client wished to withdraw his case.
Serjeant Sharpe said, "He hoped his Honour would direct a verdict for
the defendant, his client; and that the world would see what a shameful
action it had been. He told the solicitor for the prosecution that he
was glad that his client felt ashamed of himself. He could never make
him amends for what he had done; that it was disgraceful in the extreme
to seek the advice of so good a man, and to treat him in the way he had
done. He was quite sure that he would shortly have an increase of his
malady, and that even his friend, Mr. Ryecross, would no longer pity
him."
The judge dismissed the case, with a high compliment to Doctor Gambado,
and with full costs to be paid into court by Mr. Deuce.
This action had some good effect upon this unhappy man, though it did
not cure him of hypochondriacism. He rode out on horseback--on his new
horse;--but whenever that horse came to the sign of the Red Cross, on
Blackheath, directly opposite the four cross ways, he would lift up his
nose, stand stockstill, and as if he would have his rider see the
cross, and think upon it, he would not be persuaded to move. In vain did
the lawyer tug at him, chuck his bridle, kick his sides, and use the
most violent gesticulations to get him on. Whether he had a _nose_ for
the stables, or had been accustomed to Blackheath Red Cross on former
days, he certainly had a nose, and until some one gently led him from
the spot he would never be compelled to leave it. So he went by the name
of _Old Deuce's Horse_, or, _The Horse with a Nose_.
Hast thou a nose to smell a rat?
Beware thou get not tit for tat.
'Tis better far to keep thy nose,
Than have it split by angry foes.
Avoiding strife, go, follow good,
No harm will reach thee in such mood.