MISTAKEN IDENTITY
UNCLE JOSEPH had an adventure in town which amused him immensely.
The International Brotherhood of Kind Young Hearts, it may be
remembered, radiated its appeals from within the precincts of Pontifex
Mansions, Shaftesbury Avenue. It was quite a good address, but, like
many of the good things of this world, looked best on paper.
The Kind Young Hearts rented a small office-flat at the top of a block
of rather out-of-date buildings in the neighbourhood of Dean Street. The
flat was uninhabited, and contained not a particle of furniture of any
description except a capacious letter-box; but these deficiencies, which
might have roused unworthy suspicions in the breasts of some of the more
worldly of Uncle Joseph's supporters, were covered by the fact that the
door was double-locked, and no subscriber had ever entered the premises.
On the door itself the name of the Society was painted in neat black
letters. Underneath was pinned a typewritten notice,--of an apparently
temporary character, but in reality as enduring as Uncle Joseph's
tenancy,--to the effect that the Secretary had been called away to the
country on an urgent case, but hoped to return shortly.
It was Uncle Joseph's custom to make a periodical inspection of this
establishment, though he left to James Nimmo the task of making the
weekly collection of letters. On this occasion all seemed in order. No
restive subscriber waited on the landing; no emissary of the law,
masquerading as a stargazer, lounged in the street outside. No one had
tampered with the Chubb lock on the door. No one had scribbled
opprobrious comments across the Secretary's notice. All was peace.
Uncle Joseph entered the flat. The box contained half a dozen letters,
which he opened and read in the dusty sunlight of the office.
Meanwhile Mr. Charles Turner, junior member of the editorial staff of
the "Searchlight," was mounting the staircase with all the headlong
eagerness of a young and inexperienced fox-terrier in pursuit of his
first rat. He took himself seriously, did Turner, which was a pity; for
a touch of humour is indispensable to a man whose profession it is to
expose humbugs. Dill, his chief, possessed this quality in perfection,
with a strong dash of cynicism thrown in. He knew that righteous wrath
was wasted upon the tribe of quacks and sharpers. He never invoked the
assistance of the law against such gentry. He preferred the infinitely
more amusing plan of exposing their methods in cold print and leaving it
to them to invoke the assistance of the law against _him_. Consequently
his name was a hissing and an abomination among all the fraternity,
while the British Public, though strongly suspicious of Dill's sense of
humour, took in, read, and profited by the "Searchlight" in general and
its Rogues' Catalogue in particular.
The "Searchlight" was unique. There were other organs which made a
speciality of exposing quackery, but these could seldom resist the
temptation of endeavouring--usually successfully--to blackmail the quack
as an alternative to exposing him. But the "Searchlight" was above
suspicion. It had never attempted to run with the hare and hunt with the
hounds, for the excellent reason that such a proceeding would have bored
its proprietor. Dill harried the unjust, not from any special feeling of
tenderness towards the just, but in order to gratify his own rather
impish sense of humour. He had no special regard for the feelings or
pocket of the British Public, but he loved to clap an impostor in the
pillory and watch him squirm.
This was the seventh visit of the zealous Turner to the headquarters of
the Kind Young Hearts. He had missed James Nimmo on the previous
Thursday, for that astute emissary always made his call for the letters
about eight o'clock in the morning: so Turner was still without evidence
as to whether the flat was in use at all. His gratification, then, on
beholding the door standing open was extreme.
He peeped inside. Standing by the window of the bare and dusty room he
beheld a middle-aged, military-looking gentleman perusing letters. The
enemy was delivered into his hands. He tapped at the door and walked in.
Uncle Joseph looked up from the last letter, and gave Mr. Turner a
polite good-morning. The sleuth-hound replied in suitable terms, and
embarked upon a tactful yet deadly cross-examination, long laid up in
readiness for such an opportunity as this.
But he was faced with a difficulty at the outset. Anxious not to alarm
his quarry, he had decided to open the attack with a few pleasant
observations upon the convenient situation of the office and the
tasteful character of its furniture and appointments. So, hastily
reining back his opening sentence, which began: "This is a snug little
establishment of yours, sir. I expect you get through a lot of solid
business here,"--which sprang automatically to his lips,--Mr. Turner
remarked:--
"I have called in reference to a circular which you sent me a few days
ago."
"Did I?" replied Uncle Joseph blandly.
"Yes. It was an appeal for funds for the International Brotherhood of
Kind Young Hearts."
"This is most interesting," said Uncle Joseph, putting his letters back
into their envelopes. "But tell me, how do you know that it was I who
sent you a circular; and why have you tracked me to an empty flat in
Soho to talk to me about it?"
"Aren't these the offices of the Brotherhood of Kind Young Hearts?"
asked Turner, a little abashed.
Uncle Joseph smiled indulgently, and looked round him.
"They don't _look_ very like the offices of a charitable organization,"
he said--"do they? Charity begins in a _home_, you know. That being the
case, I rather fancy your Kind-Hearted friends would at least have
furnished themselves with something to sit down on."
But Turner, although he was young and inexperienced, was no fool.
Otherwise he would not have been upon the staff of the "Searchlight."
"Charitable organizations sometimes employ accommodation addresses," he
said, regarding Uncle Joseph keenly; "especially when they are not
quite--you see?"
Uncle Joseph nodded comprehendingly.
"Yes," he answered, "I see. Well, Mr.--I don't think I caught your
name."
"Turner."
"Thank you. Well, Mr. Turner, accommodation address or not, I am afraid
your birds are flown. You will have to seek them in some other eyrie.
You see, I have been in possession of this flat for some few days now.
In fact, several letters have already been addressed to me here."
He held out the little bundle of envelopes, in such a way that Mr.
Turner found it quite impossible to read the addresses, and then put
them back into his pocket.
"I must have the name on that door painted out," continued Uncle Joseph
briskly, "or I may have more investigators descending upon me. Not that
I am anything but delighted to make your acquaintance, Mr.--"
"Are you quite sure," said Turner steadily, "that you are not the
Secretary of the organization whose name is painted on that door?"
Uncle Joseph laughed easily.
"Under this impressive cross-examination," he said, "I know I shall
presently feel quite certain that I am! Mr. Turner, you fill me with
guilty apprehensions. It is a great gift of yours. May I ask if you are
a representative of the law? Or are you the emissary of some newspaper?
Or are you merely taking up detection as a hobby?"
Turner flushed. He felt certain that he was being bluffed, but Uncle
Joseph would give him no opening.
"I represent the 'Searchlight,'" he said.
"In that case," said Uncle Joseph cheerfully, "I shall be delighted to
offer you a lift back to the office. I am going to call on Mr. Dill at
twelve o'clock. Come downstairs, and let us see if we can get a cab
anywhere."
He locked the door of the flat, and proceeded cheerfully down the
staircase, followed by the dazed and defeated Mr. Turner.
Ten minutes later Uncle Joseph was shaking hands with Dill.
"I have just had a narrow escape of being haled to justice by one of
your bright young men," he said; and recounted his adventure.
Dill, lying back in his chair and smoking a cigarette,--it was said that
he got through a box a day,--heard the story and chuckled.
"An unlucky coincidence for Turner," he said. "Still, he is all right.
He is young, and wants a bit more savvy, but he is a glutton for work
and as plucky as they make them. I always send him where I think there
is a likelihood of any chucking-out being attempted. I am quite at sea
about this Kind Heart business. It is evidently a biggish affair, with a
big man behind it. I can't make out whether he is an old friend, or a
new candidate for the Rogues' Catalogue altogether. But I'll nab him
yet. Have another cigarette?"
"How are your Christmas charities going?" enquired Uncle Joseph, helping
himself.
"Not too well," said Dill. "In the old days things were simple enough. I
asked for the money and I got it. Now the public are bled white either
by knaves like this fellow who runs the Kind Hearts, or a parcel of
incompetent sentimental old women who waste one half of what they get on
expenses and the other half on pauperisation. I have had a deficit each
year for three years now."
Uncle Joseph took out a pocket-book, and counted out twenty five-pound
notes.
"I can run to a little more this year," he said. "Here you are--fifty
for the free dinners and fifty for the toy-distribution. Anonymous, of
course, as usual."
Dill gathered up the money.
"Meldrum," he said,--and his voice sounded less like a raven's than
usual,--"you are a white man. I say no more."
"Good-morning," said Uncle Joseph.