I am no great admirer of grave writings, and therefore very frequently
lay your papers aside before I have read them through; yet I cannot
but confess that, by slow degrees, you have raised my opinion of your
understanding, and that, though I believe it will be long before I can be
prevailed upon to regard you with much kindness, you have, however, more
of my esteem than those whom I sometimes make happy with opportunities
to fill my tea-pot, or pick up my fan. I shall therefore chuse you for
the confidant of my distresses, and ask your counsel with regard to
the means of conquering or escaping them, though I never expect from
you any of that softness and pliancy, which constitutes the perfection
of a companion for the ladies: as, in the place where I now am, I have
recourse to the mastiff for protection, though I have no intention of
making him a lap-dog.
My mamma is a very fine lady, who has more numerous and more frequent
assemblies at her house than any other person in the same quarter of
the town. I was bred from my earliest infancy in a perpetual tumult
of pleasure, and remember to have heard of little else than messages,
visits, playhouses, and balls; of the awkwardness of one woman, and the
coquetry of another; the charming convenience of some rising fashion,
the difficulty of playing a new game, the incidents of a masquerade, and
the dresses of a court-night. I knew before I was ten years old all the
rules of paying and receiving visits, and to how much civility every one
of my acquaintance was entitled; and was able to return, with the proper
degree of reserve or of vivacity, the stated and established answer to
every compliment; so that I was very soon celebrated as a wit and a
beauty, and had heard before I was thirteen all that is ever said to
a young lady. My mother was generous to so uncommon a degree as to
be pleased with my advance into life, and allowed me, without envy or
reproof, to enjoy the same happiness with herself; though most women
about her own age were very angry to see young girls so forward, and
many fine gentlemen told her how cruel it was to throw new chains upon
mankind, and to tyrannize over them at the same time with her own charms,
and those of her daughter.
I have now lived two-and-twenty years, and have passed of each year nine
months in town, and three at Richmond; so that my time has been spent
uniformly in the same company, and the same amusements, except as fashion
has introduced new diversions, or the revolutions of the gay world have
afforded new successions of wits and beaux. However, my mother is so good
an economist of pleasure, that I have no spare hours upon my hands; for
every morning brings some new appointment, and every night is hurried
away by the necessity of making our appearance at different places, and
of being with one lady at the opera, and with another at the card-table.
When the time came of settling our schemes of felicity for the summer,
it was determined that I should pay a visit to a rich aunt in a remote
county. As you know the chief conversation of all tea-tables, in the
spring, arises from a communication of the manner in which time is to
be passed till winter, it was a great relief to the barrenness of our
topicks, to relate the pleasures that were in store for me, to describe
my uncle's seat, with the park and gardens, the charming walks and
beautiful waterfalls; and every one told me how much she envied me, and
what satisfaction she had once enjoyed in a situation of the same kind.
As we are all credulous in our own favour, and willing to imagine some
latent satisfaction in any thing which we have not experienced, I will
confess to you, without restraint, that I had suffered my head to be
filled with expectations of some nameless pleasure in a rural life, and
that I hoped for the happy hour that should set me free from noise, and
flutter, and ceremony, dismiss me to the peaceful shade, and lull me in
content and tranquillity. To solace myself under the misery of delay, I
sometimes heard a studious lady of my acquaintance read pastorals, I was
delighted with scarce any talk but of leaving the town, and never went
to bed without dreaming of groves, and meadows, and frisking lambs.
At length I had all my clothes in a trunk, and saw the coach at the door;
I sprung in with ecstasy, quarrelled with my maid for being too long in
taking leave of the other servants, and rejoiced as the ground grew less
which lay between me and the completion of my wishes. A few days brought
me to a large old house, encompassed on three sides with woody hills,
and looking from the front on a gentle river, the sight of which renewed
all my expectations of pleasure, and gave me some regret for having
lived so long without the enjoyment which these delightful scenes were
now to afford me. My aunt came out to receive me, but in a dress so far
removed from the present fashion, that I could scarcely look upon her
without laughter, which would have been no kind requital for the trouble
which she had taken to make herself fine against my arrival. The night
and the next morning were driven along with inquiries about our family;
my aunt then explained our pedigree, and told me stories of my great
grandfather's bravery in the civil wars, nor was it less than three days
before I could persuade her to leave me to myself.
At last economy prevailed; she went in the usual manner about her own
affairs, and I was at liberty to range in the wilderness, and sit by the
cascade. The novelty of the objects about me pleased me for a while, but
after a few days they were new no longer, and I soon began to perceive
that the country was not my element; that shades, and flowers, and lawns,
and waters, had very soon exhausted all their power of pleasing, and that
I had not in myself any fund of satisfaction, with which I could supply
the loss of my customary amusements.
I unhappily told my aunt, in the first warmth of our embraces, that I had
leave to stay with her ten weeks. Six only yet are gone, and how shall I
live through the remaining four? I go out and return; I pluck a flower,
and throw it away; I catch an insect, and when I have examined its
colours set it at liberty; I fling a pebble into the water, and see one
circle spread after another. When it chances to rain, I walk in the great
hall, and watch the minute-hand upon the dial, or play with a litter of
kittens, which the cat happens to have brought in a lucky time.
My aunt is afraid I shall grow melancholy, and therefore encourages the
neighbouring gentry to visit us. They came at first with great eagerness
to see the fine lady from London; but when we met, we had no common
topick on which we could converse; they had no curiosity after plays,
operas, or musick: and I find as little satisfaction from their accounts
of the quarrels or alliances of families, whose names, when once I can
escape, I shall never hear. The women have now seen me, know how my gown
is made, and are satisfied; the men are generally afraid of me, and say
little, because they think themselves not at liberty to talk rudely.
Thus I am condemned to solitude; the day moves slowly forward, and I
see the dawn with uneasiness, because I consider that night is at a
great distance. I have tried to sleep by a brook, but find its murmurs
ineffectual; so that I am forced to be awake at least twelve hours,
without visits, without cards, without laughter, and without flattery. I
walk because I am disgusted with sitting still, and sit down because I am
weary with walking. I have no motive to action, nor any object of love,
or hate, or fear, or inclination. I cannot dress with spirit, for I have
neither rival nor admirer. I cannot dance without a partner; nor be kind
or cruel, without a lover.
Such is the life of Euphelia; and such it is likely to continue for a
month to come. I have not yet declared against existence, nor called
upon the destinies to cut my thread; but I have sincerely resolved not to
condemn myself to such another summer, nor too hastily to flatter myself
with happiness. Yet I have heard, Mr. Rambler, of those who never thought
themselves so much at ease as in solitude, and cannot but suspect it to be
some way or other my own fault, that, without great pain, either of mind
or body, I am thus weary of myself: that the current of youth stagnates,
and that I am languishing in a dead calm, for want of some external
impulse. I shall therefore think you a benefactor to our sex, if you will
teach me the art of living alone; for I am confident that a thousand and
a thousand ladies, who affect to talk with ecstasies of the pleasures of
the country, are in reality, like me, longing for the winter, and wishing
to be delivered from themselves by company and diversion.