I am a young gentleman at my own disposal, with a considerable estate;
and having passed through the common forms of education, spent some time
in foreign countries, and made myself distinguished since my return in
the politest company, I am now arrived at that part of life in which
every man is expected to settle, and provide for the continuation of his
lineage. I withstood for some time the solicitations and remonstrances
of my aunts and uncles, but at last was persuaded to visit Anthea, an
heiress, whose land lies contiguous to mine, and whose birth and beauty
are without objection. Our friends declared that we were born for each
other; all those on both sides who had no interest in hindering our
union, contributed to promote it, and were conspiring to hurry us into
matrimony, before we had an opportunity of knowing one another. I was,
however, too old to be given away without my own consent; and having
happened to pick up an opinion, which to many of my relations seemed
extremely odd, that a man might be unhappy with a large estate,
determined to obtain a nearer knowledge of the person with whom I was
to pass the remainder of my time. To protract the courtship was by no
means difficult, for Anthea had a wonderful facility of evading questions
which I seldom repeated, and of barring approaches which I had no great
eagerness to press.
Thus the time passed away in visits and civilities without any ardent
professions of love, or formal offers of settlements. I often attended
her to publick places, in which, as is well known, all behaviour is so
much regulated by custom, that very little insight can be gained into a
private character, and therefore I was not yet able to inform myself of
her humour and inclinations.
At last I ventured to propose to her to make one of a small party,
and spend a day in viewing a seat and gardens a few miles distant;
and having, upon her compliance, collected the rest of the company, I
brought, at the hour, a coach which I had borrowed from an acquaintance,
having delayed to buy one myself, till I should have an opportunity of
taking the lady's opinion for whose use it was intended. Anthea came
down, but as she was going to step into the coach, started back with
great appearance of terrour, and told us that she durst not enter, for
the shocking colour of the lining had so much the air of the mourning
coach in which she followed her aunt's funeral three years before, that
she should never have her poor dear aunt out of her head.
I knew that it was not for lovers to argue with their mistresses; I
therefore sent back the coach and got another more gay. Into this we all
entered; the coachman began to drive, and we were amusing ourselves with
the expectation of what we should see, when, upon a small inclination of
the carriage, Anthea screamed out, that we were overthrown. We were
obliged to fix all our attention upon her, which she took care to keep
up by renewing her outcries, at every corner where we had occasion to
turn; at intervals she entertained us with fretful complaints of the
uneasiness of the coach, and obliged me to call several times on the
coachman to take care and drive without jolting. The poor fellow
endeavoured to please us, and therefore moved very slowly, till Anthea
found out that this pace would only keep us longer on the stones, and
desired that I would order him to make more speed. He whipped his
horses, the coach jolted again, and Anthea very complaisantly told us
how much she repented that she made one of our company.
At last we got into the smooth road, and began to think our difficulties
at an end, when, on a sudden, Anthea saw a brook before us, which she
could not venture to pass. We were, therefore, obliged to alight, that
we might walk over the bridge; but when we came to it we found it so
narrow, that Anthea durst not set her foot upon it, and was content,
after long consultation, to call the coach back, and with innumerable
precautions, terrours, and lamentations, crossed the brook.
It was necessary after this delay to amend our pace, and directions were
accordingly given to the coachman, when Anthea informed us, that it was
common for the axle to catch fire with a quick motion, and begged of me
to look out every minute, lest we should all be consumed. I was forced
to obey, and give her from time to time the most solemn declarations
that all was safe, and that I hoped we should reach the place without
losing our lives either by fire or water.
Thus we passed on, over ways soft and hard, with more or less speed,
but always with new vicissitudes of anxiety. If the ground was hard,
we were jolted; if soft, we were sinking. If we went fast, we should be
overturned; if slowly, we should never reach the place. At length she saw
something which she called a cloud, and began to consider that at that
time of the year it frequently thundered. This seemed to be the capital
terrour, for after that the coach was suffered to move on; and no danger
was thought too dreadful to be encountered, provided she could get into
a house before the thunder.
Thus our whole conversation passed in dangers, and cares, and fears, and
consolations, and stories of ladies dragged in the mire, forced to spend
all the night on the heath, drowned in rivers, or burnt with lightning;
and no sooner had a hair-breadth escape set us free from one calamity,
but we were threatened with another.
At length we reached the house where we intended to regale ourselves,
and I proposed to Anthea the choice of a great number of dishes, which
the place, being well provided for entertainment, happened to afford.
She made some objection to every thing that was offered; one thing she
hated at that time of the year, another she could not bear since she had
seen it spoiled at lady Feedwell's table, another she was sure they
could not dress at this house, and another she could not touch without
French sauce. At last she fixed her mind upon salmon, but there was no
salmon in the house. It was however procured with great expedition, and
when it came to the table she found that her fright had taken away her
stomach, which indeed she thought no great loss, for she could never
believe that any thing at an inn could be cleanly got.
Dinner was now over, and the company proposed, for I was now past the
condition of making overtures, that we should pursue our original design
of visiting the gardens. Anthea declared that she could not imagine what
pleasure we expected from the sight of a few green trees and a little
gravel, and two or three pits of clear water: that for her part she
hated walking till the cool of the evening, and thought it very likely
to rain; and again wished that she had stayed at home. We then reconciled
ourselves to our disappointment, and began to talk on common subjects,
when Anthea told us, that since we came to see gardens, she would not
hinder our satisfaction. We all rose, and walked through the enclosures
for some time, with no other trouble than the necessity of watching lest
a frog should hop across the way, which Anthea told us would certainly
kill her if she should happen to see him.
Frogs, as it fell out, there where none; but when we were within a
furlong of the gardens, Anthea saw some sheep, and heard the wether
clink his bell, which she was certain was not hung upon him for nothing,
and therefore no assurances nor intreaties should prevail upon her to
go a step further; she was sorry to disappoint the company, but her life
was dearer to her than ceremony.
We came back to the inn, and Anthea now discovered that there was no
time to be lost in returning, for the night would come upon us, and
a thousand misfortunes might happen in the dark. The horses were
immediately harnessed, and Anthea having wondered what could seduce her
to stay so long, was eager to set out. But we had now a new scene of
terrour, every man we saw was a robber, and we were ordered sometimes to
drive hard, lest a traveller whom we saw behind should overtake us; and
sometimes to stop, lest we should come up to him who was passing before
us. She alarmed many an honest man, by begging him to spare her life as
he passed by the coach, and drew me into fifteen quarrels with persons
who increased her fright, by kindly stopping to inquire whether they
could assist us. At last we came home, and she told her company next
day what a pleasant ride she had been taking.
I suppose, Sir, I need not inquire of you what deductions may be made from
this narrative, nor what happiness can arise from the society of that
woman who mistakes cowardice for elegance, and imagines all delicacy to
consist in refusing to be pleased.