It is usual for men, engaged in the same pursuits, to be inquisitive
after the conduct and fortune of each other; and, therefore, I suppose
it will not be unpleasing to you, to read an account of the various
changes which have happened in part of a life devoted to literature. My
narrative will not exhibit any great variety of events, or extraordinary
revolutions; but may, perhaps, be not less useful, because I shall
relate nothing which is not likely to happen to a thousand others.
I was born heir to a very small fortune, and left by my father, whom I
cannot remember, to the care of an uncle. He having no children, always
treated me as his son, and finding in me those qualities which old men
easily discover in sprightly children, when they happen to love them,
declared that a genius like mine should never be lost for want of
cultivation. He therefore placed me, for the usual time, at a great
school, and then sent me to the university, with a larger allowance
than my own patrimony would have afforded, that I might not keep mean
company, but learn to become my dignity when I should be made lord
chancellor, which he often lamented, that the increase of his
infirmities was very likely to preclude him from seeing.
This exuberance of money displayed itself in gaiety of appearance, and
wantonness of expense, and introduced me to the acquaintance of those
whom the same superfluity of fortune betrayed to the same licence and
ostentation: young heirs, who pleased themselves with a remark very
frequent in their mouths, that though they were sent by their fathers
to the university, they were not under the necessity of living by their
learning.
Among men of this class I easily obtained the reputation of a great
genius, and was persuaded, that with such liveliness of imagination, and
delicacy of sentiment, I should never be able to submit to the drudgery
of the law. I therefore gave myself wholly to the more airy and elegant
parts of learning, and was often so much elated with my superiority to
the youths with whom I conversed, that I began to listen, with great
attention, to those that recommended to me a wider and more conspicuous
theatre; and was particularly touched with an observation made by one of
my friends; That it was not by lingering in the university that Prior
became ambassador, or Addison secretary of state.
This desire was hourly increased by the solicitation of my companions,
who removing one by one to London, as the caprice of their relations
allowed them, or the legal dismission from the hands of their guardians
put it in their power, never failed to send an account of the beauty and
felicity of the new world, and to remonstrate how much was lost by every
hour's continuance in a place of retirement and constraint.
My uncle in the mean time frequently harassed me with monitory letters,
which I sometimes neglected to open for a week after I received them,
generally read in a tavern, with such comments as might shew how much I
was superior to instruction or advice. I could not but wonder how a man
confined to the country, and unacquainted with the present system of
things, should imagine himself qualified to instruct a rising genius,
born to give laws to the age, refine its taste, and multiply its
pleasures.
The postman, however, still continued to bring me new remonstrances; for
my uncle was very little depressed by the ridicule and reproach which he
never heard. But men of parts have quick resentments; it was impossible
to bear his usurpations for ever; and I resolved, once for all, to make
him an example to those who imagine themselves wise because they are
old, and to teach young men, who are too tame under representation, in
what manner grey-bearded insolence ought to be treated. I therefore one
evening took my pen in hand, and after having animated myself with a
catch, wrote a general answer to all his precepts with such vivacity
of turn, such elegance of irony, and such asperity of sarcasm, that
I convulsed a large company with universal laughter, disturbed the
neighbourhood with vociferations of applause, and five days afterwards
was answered, that I must be content to live on my own estate.
This contraction of my income gave me no disturbance; for a genius like
mine was out of the reach of want. I had friends that would be proud to
open their purses at my call, and prospects of such advancement as would
soon reconcile my uncle, whom, upon mature deliberation, I resolved to
receive into favour without insisting on any acknowledgment of his
offence, when the splendour of my condition should induce him to wish
for my countenance. I therefore went up to London, before I had shewn
the alteration of my condition by any abatement of my way of living,
and was received by all my academical acquaintance with triumph and
congratulation. I was immediately introduced among the wits and men of
spirit; and in a short time had divested myself of all my scholar's
gravity, and obtained the reputation of a pretty fellow.
You will easily believe that I had no great knowledge of the world; yet
I had been hindered, by the general disinclination every man feels to
confess poverty, from telling to any one the resolution of my uncle, and
for some time subsisted upon the stock of money which I had brought with
me, and contributed my share as before to all our entertainments. But my
pocket was soon emptied, and I was obliged to ask my friends for a small
sum. This was a favour, which we had often reciprocally received from
one another; they supposed my wants only accidental, and therefore
willingly supplied them. In a short time I found a necessity of asking
again, and was again treated with the same civility; but the third time
they began to wonder what that old rogue my uncle could mean by sending
a gentleman to town without money; and when they gave me what I asked
for, advised me to stipulate for more regular remittances.
This somewhat disturbed my dream of constant affluence; but I was three
days after completely awaked; for entering the tavern where they met
every evening, I found the waiters remitted their complaisance, and,
instead of contending to light me up stairs, suffered me to wait for
some minutes by the bar. When I came to my company, I found them
unusually grave and formal, and one of them took the hint to turn the
conversation upon the misconduct of young men, and enlarged upon the
folly of frequenting the company of men of fortune, without being able
to support the expense, an observation which the rest contributed either
to enforce by repetition, or to illustrate by examples. Only one of them
tried to divert the discourse, and endeavoured to direct my attention to
remote questions, and common topicks.
A man guilty of poverty easily believes himself suspected. I went,
however, next morning to breakfast with him who appeared ignorant of the
drift of the conversation, and by a series of inquiries, drawing still
nearer to the point, prevailed on him, not, perhaps, much against his
will, to inform me that Mr. _Dash_, whose father was a wealthy attorney
near my native place, had, the morning before, received an account of my
uncle's resentment, and communicated his intelligence with the utmost
industry of groveling insolence.
It was now no longer practicable to consort with my former friends,
unless I would be content to be used as an inferior guest, who was to
pay for his wine by mirth and flattery; a character which, if I could
not escape it, I resolved to endure only among those who had never known
me in the pride of plenty. I changed my lodgings, and frequented the
coffee-houses in a different region of the town; where I was very
quickly distinguished by several young gentlemen of high birth, and
large estates, and began again to amuse my imagination with hopes of
preferment, though not quite so confidently as when I had less
experience.
The first great conquest which this new scene enabled me to gain over
myself was, when I submitted to confess to a party, who invited me to
an expensive diversion, that my revenues were not equal to such golden
pleasures; they would not suffer me, however, to stay behind, and with
great reluctance I yielded to be treated. I took that opportunity of
recommending myself to some office or employment, which they unanimously
promised to procure me by their joint interest.
I had now entered into a state of dependence, and had hopes, or fears,
from almost every man I saw. If it be unhappy to have one patron, what
is his misery who has many? I was obliged to comply with a thousand
caprices, to concur in a thousand follies, and to countenance a thousand
errours. I endured innumerable mortifications, if not from cruelty, at
least from negligence, which will creep in upon the kindest and most
delicate minds, when they converse without the mutual awe of equal
condition. I found the spirit and vigour of liberty every moment sinking
in me, and a servile fear of displeasing stealing by degrees upon all
my behaviour, till no word, or look, or action, was my own. As the
solicitude to please increased, the power of pleasing grew less, and
I was always clouded with diffidence where it was most my interest and
wish to shine.
My patrons, considering me as belonging to the community, and,
therefore, not the charge of any particular person, made no scruple of
neglecting any opportunity of promoting me, which every one thought more
properly the business of another. An account of my expectations and
disappointments, and the succeeding vicissitudes of my life I shall give
you in my following letter, which will be, I hope, of use to shew how ill
he forms his schemes, who expects happiness without freedom.