The huge waterspout observed off Guernsey last week "travelling
towards France" is believed to have been making for the Peace
Conference.
***
The Captain of a Wilson liner on being torpedoed ate his pocket-book
to prevent his sailing instructions from falling into the hands of the
Germans. The report that the ex-Kaiser has whiled away the time at
Amerongen by chewing up three copies of the German White Book and one
of Prince LICHNOWSKY'S Memoirs is probably a variant of this story.
***
"Our chief hope of control of influenza," writes Sir ARTHUR NEWSHOLME
of the Local Government Board, "lies in further investigation."
Persons who insist upon having influenza between now and Easter will
do so at their own risk.
***
Writing to a provincial paper a correspondent asks when Mr. PHILIP
SNOWDEN was born. Other people are content to ask "Why?"
***
"We think it prudent to speak with moderation on all subjects," says
_The Morning Post_. There now!
***
We mentioned last week the startling rumour that a Civil Servant had
been seen running, and a satisfactory explanation has now been issued.
It appears that the gentleman in question was going off duty.
***
According to the _Malin_, the Bavarian PREMIER told a newspaper man
that the Bavarian revolution cost exactly eighteen shillings. This
seems to lend colour to the rumour that Dr. EISNER picked this
revolution up second-hand in Russia.
***
"Springfield and Napsbury Lunatic Asylums," says a news item, "are to
be known in future as mental hospitals." Government institutions which
have hitherto borne that title will in the future be known simply as
"Departments."
***
A German sailor, who is described as "twenty-seven, 6 ft. 9½ in.,"
has escaped from Dorchester camp. A reward has been offered for
information leading to the recapture of any part of him.
***
The servant question is admittedly acute, but whether sufficiently
so to justify the attitude of a contemporary, which deals with the
subject under the sinister title, "Maxims for Mistresses," is open to
doubt.
***
The case of the North Country workman who voluntarily abandoned his
unemployment grant in order to take a job is attributed to a morbid
craze for notoriety.
***
As a result of the engineers' strike and the failure of the heating
apparatus, we understand that Government officials in Whitehall have
spent several sleepless days.
***
We gather that the mine reported to have been washed up at Bognor
turns out to be an obsolete 1914 pork pie--but fortunately the pin
had been removed.
***
_The Daily Express_ tells us that a crowd of new monkeys have arrived
at the Zoo. We are pleased to note this, because several of the
monkeys there were certainly the worse for wear.
***
A contemporary anticipates a boom in very light motor cars at a
hundred and thirty pounds each. They are said to be just the thing
to carry in the tool-box in case of a breakdown.
***
A sensation has been caused in Scotland, says _The National News_, by
the passing of a number of counterfeit Treasury notes. As we go to
press we learn that most of the victims are going on as well as can be
expected, though recovery is naturally slow.
***
Mr. WILLIAM LE QUEUX is said to be very much annoyed at the wicked way
in which Russia has been appropriated by other writers.
***
Much regret is felt at the news that the recent outbreak of Jazz music
is not to be dealt with at the Peace Conference.
***
Is gallantry dying out? We ask because _Tit Bits_ has an article
entitled, "Women Burglars." We may be old-fashioned, but surely it
should be "Lady Burglars."
***
On the last day for investing in National War Bonds, a patriotic
subaltern was heard at Cox's asking if his overdraft could be
transferred to these securities.
***
"The market price of radium to-day," says a Continental journal,
"is £345,000 an ounce." In order to avert waste and deterioration,
purchasers are advised to store the stuff in barrels in a large dry
cellar.
***
Mr. Punch does not wish to boast unduly of his unique qualities, but
up to the time of going to press he had made no offer for Drury Lane
Theatre.
***
In view of the recent newspaper articles on spiritualism, several
prominent persons are about to announce that they have decided not
to grant any interviews after death.
***
Liverpool Licensing Justices have urged the Liquor Control Board to
take steps to prevent the drinking of methylated spirits by women. It
is suggested that distillers should be compelled to give their whisky
a distinctive flavour.
***
"A box of cigarettes was all that burglars took from the Theatre
Royal, Aldershot," says a news item. There is something magnificently
arrogant about that "all."
***
"Saying 'Thank you' to a customer," says a news item, "a Wallasey
butcher fell unconscious." In our neighbourhood it used to be, until
quite lately, the customer who fell unconscious.
* * * * *
[Illustration: "NOW LOOK HERE, SIMPKINS--I CAN'T HAVE MY CHIEF CASHIER
TURNING UP LIKE THIS. IT'S A DISGRACE TO THE OFFICE."
"WELL, SIR, I STARTED ALL RIGHT, BUT I CAME BY TUBE."]
* * * * *