.... When a favourite dog has an incurable pain, you “put him out of
his misery” with a bullet or an axe. A favourite child similarly
afflicted is preserved as long as possible, in torment. I do not say
that this is not right; I claim only that it is not consistent. There
are two sorts of kindness; one for dogs, and another for children. A
very dear friend, wallowing about in the red mud of a battle-field,
once asked me for some of the dog sort. I suspect, if no one had been
looking, he would have got it.
.... It is to be feared that to most men the sky is but a concave
mirror, showing nothing behind, and in looking into which they see only
their own distorted images, like the reflection of a face in a spoon.
Hence it needs not surprise that they are not very devout worshippers;
it is a great wonder they do not openly scoff.
.... The influence of climate upon civilization has been more
exhaustively treated than studied. Otherwise, we should know how it is
that some countries that have so much climate have no civilization.
.... Whoso shall insist upon holding your attention while he expounds
to you things that you have always thriven without knowing resembles
one who should go about with a hammer, cracking nuts upon other
people’s heads and eating the kernels himself.
.... There are but two kinds of temporary insanity, and each has but a
single symptom. The one was discovered by a coroner, the other by a
lawyer. The one induces you to kill yourself when you are unwell of
life; the other persuades you to kill somebody else when you are
fatigued of seeing him about.
.... People who honour their fathers and their mothers have the
comforting promise that their days shall be long in the land. They are
not sufficiently numerous to make the life assurance companies think it
worth their while to offer them special rates.
.... There are people who dislike to die, for apparently no better
reason than that there are a few vices they have not had the time to
try; but it must be confessed that the fewer there are of these
untasted sweets, the more loth are they to leave them.
.... Men ought to sin less in petty details, and more in the lump; that
they might the more conveniently be brought to repentance when they are
ready. They should imitate the touching solicitude of the lady for the
burglar, whom she spares much trouble by keeping her jewels well
together in a box.
.... I once knew a man who made me a map of the opposite hemisphere of
the moon. He was crazy. I knew another who taught me what country lay
upon the other side of the grave. He was a most acute thinker—as he had
need to be.
.... Those who are horrified at Mr. Darwin’s theory, may comfort
themselves with the assurance that, if we are descended from the ape,
we have not descended so far as to preclude all hope of return.
.... There is more poison in aphorisms than in painted candy; but it is
of a less seductive kind.
.... If it were as easy to invent a credible falsehood as it is to
believe one, we should have little else in print. The mechanical
construction of a falsehood is a matter of the gravest import.
.... There is just as much true pleasure in walloping one’s own wife as
in the sinful enjoyment of another man’s right. Heaven gives to each
man a wife, and intends that he shall cleave to her alone. To cleave is
either to “split” or to “stick.” To cleave to your wife is to split her
with a stick.
.... A strong mind is more easily impressed than a weak one: you shall
not as readily convince a fool that you are a philosopher, as a
philosopher that you are a fool.
.... In our intercourse with men, their national peculiarities and
customs are entitled to consideration. In addressing the common
Frenchman take off your hat; in addressing the common Irishman make him
take off his.
.... It is nearly always untrue to say of a man that he wishes to leave
a great property behind him when he dies. Usually he would like to take
it along.
.... Benevolence is as purely selfish as greed. No one would do a
benevolent action if he knew it would entail remorse.
.... If cleanliness is next to godliness, it is a matter of unceasing
wonder that, having gone to the extreme limit of the former, so many
people manage to stop short exactly at the line of demarcation.
.... Most people have no more definite idea of liberty than that it
consists in being compelled by law to do as they like.
.... Every man is at heart a brute, and the greatest injury you can put
upon any one is to provoke him into displaying his nature. No gentleman
ever forgives the man who makes him let out his beast.
.... The Psalmist never saw the seed of the righteous begging bread. In
our day they sometimes request pennies for keeping the street-crossings
in order.
.... When two wholly irreconcilable propositions are presented to the
mind, the safest way is to thank Heaven that we are not like the
unreasoning brutes, and believe both.
.... If every malefactor in the church were known by his face it would
be necessary to prohibit the secular tongue from crying “stop thief.”
Otherwise the church bells could not be heard of a pleasant Sunday.
.... Truth is more deceptive than falsehood, because it is commonly
employed by those from whom we do not expect it, and so passes for what
it is not.
.... “If people only knew how foolish it is” to take their wine with a
dash of prussic acid, it is probable that they would—prefer to take it
with that addition.
.... “A man’s honour,” says a philosopher, “is the best protection he
can have.” Then most men might find a heartless oppressor in the
predatory oyster.
.... The canary gets his name from the dog, an animal whom he looks
down upon. We get a good many worse things than names from those
beneath us; and they give us a bad name too.
.... Faith is the best evidence in the world; it reconciles
contradictions and proves impossibilities. It is wonderfully developed
in the blind.
.... He who undertakes an “Account of Idiots in All Ages” will find
himself committed to the task of compiling most known biographies. Some
future publisher will affix a life of the compiler.
.... Gratitude is regarded as a precious virtue, because tendered as a
fair equivalent for any conceivable service.
.... A bad marriage is like an electric machine: it makes you dance,
but you can’t let go.
.... The symbol of Charity should be a circle. It usually ends exactly
where it begins—at home.
.... Most people redeem a promise as an angler takes in a trout; by
first playing it with a good deal of line.
.... It is a grave mistake to suppose defaulters have no consciences.
Some of them have been known, under favourable circumstances, to
restore as much as ten per cent. of their plunder.
.... There is nothing so progressive as grief, and nothing so
infectious as progress. I have seen an acre of cemetery infected by a
single innovation in spelling cut upon a tombstone.
.... It is wicked to cheat on Sunday. The law recognises this truth,
and shuts up the shops.
.... In the infancy of our language to be “foolish” signified to be
affectionate; to be “fond” was to be silly. We have altered that now:
to be “foolish” is to be silly, to be “fond” is to be affectionate. But
that the change could ever have been made is significant.
.... If you meet a man on the narrow crossing of a muddy street, stand
quite still. He will turn out and go round you, bowing his apologies.
It is courtesy to accept them.
.... If every hypocrite in the United States were to break his leg at
noon to-day, the country might be successfully invaded at one o’clock
by the warlike hypocrites of Canada.
.... To Dogmatism the Spirit of Inquiry is the same as the Spirit of
Evil; and to pictures of the latter it has appended a tail, to
represent the note of interrogation.
.... We speak of the affections as originating in instinct. This is a
miserable subterfuge to shift the obloquy from the judgment.
.... What we call decency is custom; what we term indecency is merely
customary.
.... The noblest pursuit of Man is the pursuit of Woman.
.... “Immoral” is the solemn judgment of the stalled ox upon the
sun-inspired lamb.
“ITEMS” FROM THE PRESS OF INTERIOR CALIFORNIA.
.... A little bit of romance has just transpired to relieve the
monotony of our metropolitan life. Old Sam Choggins, whom the editor of
this paper has so often publicly thrashed, has returned from Mud
Springs with a young wife. He is said to be very fond of her, and the
way he came to get her was this:
Some time ago we courted her, but finding she was “on the make,” threw
her off, after shooting her brother and two cousins. She vowed revenge,
and promised to marry any man who would horsewhip us. This Sam agreed
to undertake, and she married him on that promise.
We shall call on Sam to-morrow with our new shot-gun, and present our
congratulations in the usual form.—_Hangtown “Gibbet.”_
.... The purposeless old party with the boiled shirt, who has for some
days been loafing about the town peddling hymn-books at merely nominal
prices (a clear proof that he stole them), has been disposed of in a
cheap and satisfactory manner. His lode petered out about six o’clock
yesterday afternoon; our evening edition being delayed until that time,
by request. The cause of his death, as nearly as could be ascertained
by a single physician—Dr. Duffer being too drunk to attend—was Whisky
Sam, who, it will be remembered, delivered a lecture some weeks ago
entitled “Dan’l in the Lion’s Den; and How They’d aEt ’Im ef He’d Ever
ben Ther”—in which he triumphantly overthrew revealed religion.
His course yesterday proves that he can act as well as talk.—_Devil
Gully “Expositor.”_
.... There was considerable excitement, in the street yesterday, owing
to the arrival of Bust-Head Dave, formerly of this place, who came over
on the stage from Pudding Springs. He was met at the hotel by Sheriff
Knogg, who leaves a large family, and whose loss will be universally
deplored. Dave walked down the street to the bridge, and it reminded
one of old times to see the people go away as he heaved in view. It was
not through any fear of the man, but from the knowledge that he had
made a threat (first published in this paper) to clean out the town.
Before leaving the place Dave called at our office to settle for a
year’s subscription (invariably in advance) and was informed, through a
chink in the logs, that he might leave his dust in the tin cup at the
well.
Dave is looking very much larger than at his last visit just previous
to the funeral of Judge Dawson. He left for Injun Hill at five o’clock,
amidst a good deal of shooting at rather long range, and there will be
an election for Sheriff as soon as a stranger can be found who will
accept the honour.—_Yankee Flat “Advertiser.”_
.... It is to be hoped the people will all turn out to-morrow,
according to advertisement in another column. The men deserve hanging,
no end, but at the same time they are human, and entitled to some
respect; and we shall print the name of every adult male who does not
grace the occasion with his presence. We make this threat simply
because there have been some indications of apathy; and any man who
will stay away when Bob Bolton and Sam Buxter are to be hanged, is
probably either an accomplice or a relation. Old Blanket-Mouth Dick was
not the only blood relation these fellows have in this vicinity; and
the fate that befell _him_ when they could not be found ought to be a
warning to the rest.
We hope to see a full attendance. The bar is just in rear of the
gibbet, and will be run by a brother of ours. Gentlemen who shrink from
publicity will patronize that bar.—_San Louis Jones “Gazette.”_
.... A painful accident occurred in Frog Gulch yesterday which has cast
a good deal of gloom over a hitherto joyous and whisky loving
community. Dan Spigger—or as he was familiarly called, Murderer Dan—got
drunk at his usual hour yesterday, and as is his custom took down his
gun, and started after the fellow who went home with his girl the night
before. He found him at breakfast with his wife and thirteen children.
After killing them he started out to return, but being weary, stumbled
and broke his leg. Dr. Bill found him in that condition, and having no
waggon at hand to convey him to town, shot him to put him out of his
misery.
Dan was dearly loved by all who knew him, and his loss is a Democratic
gain. He seldom disagreed with any but Democrats, and would have
materially reduced the vote of that party had he not been so untimely
cut off.—_Jackass Gap “Bulletin.”_
.... The dance-house at the corner of Moll Duncan Street and Fish-trap
Avenue has been broken up. Our friend, the editor of the _Jamboree_,
succeeded in getting his cock-eyed sister in there as a beer-slinger,
and the hurdy-gurdy girls all swore they would not stand her society;
and they got up and got. The light fantastic is not tripped there any
more, except when the _Jamboree_ man sneaks in and dances a jig for his
morning pizen.—_Murderburg “Herald.”_
.... The Superintendent of the Mag Davis Mine requests us to state that
the custom of pitching Chinamen and Injins down the shaft will have to
be stopped, as he has resumed work in the mine. The old well, back of
Jo Bowman’s, is just as good, and is more centrally located.—_New
Jerusalem “Courier.”_
.... Three women while amusing themselves in Calaveras county met with
a serious accident. They were jumping across a hole eight hundred feet
deep and ten wide. One of them couldn’t quite make it, succeeding only
in grasping a sage-bush on the opposite edge, where she hung suspended.
Her companions, who had just stepped into an adjacent saloon, saw her
peril, and as soon as they had finished drinking went to her
assistance. Previously to liberating her, one of them by way of a joke
uprooted the bush. This exasperated the other, and she, threw her
companion half-way across the shaft. She then attempted to cross over
to the other side in two jumps.