.... Yo Hop is dead! He was last seen alive about three o’clock
yesterday morning by a white labourer who was returning home after an
elongated orgie at a Barbary Coast inn, and at the time seemed to be in
undisputed possession of all his faculties; the remainder of his
personal property having been transferred to the white labourer
aforesaid. At the moment alluded to, Mr. Hop was in the act of throwing
up his arms, as if to ward off some impending danger in the hands of
the sole spectator. An instant later he experienced one of those sudden
deaths which have made this city popularly famous and surgically
interesting.
The lamented was forty years of age; how much longer he might have
lived, in his own country, it is impossible to determine; but it is to
be remarked that the climate of California is a very trying one to
people of his peculiar organization. The body was kindly taken in
charge by a resident of the vicinity, and now lies in state in his back
yard, where it is being carefully prepared for burial by those skilful
meathounds, Messrs. Lassirator, Mangler, and Chure, whose names are a
sufficient guarantee that the mournful rites will be attended to in a
manner befitting the solemn occasion.
We tender the bereaved widow our sincere sympathy at the regular rates.
The cause of Mr. Hop’s demise is unknown. It is unimportant.
.... A dead Asian was recently found in a ditch in Nevada county. His
head, like that of a toad, had a precious jewel imbedded in it, about
the size of an ordinary watermelon, and a clear majority of his
fingers, toes, and features had received Christian burial in the
stomachs of several contiguous hogs with roving commissions. As he
seemed unwilling to state who he was, or how he got his deserts, he was
tenderly replaced in his last ditch, and his discoverers proceeded
leisurely for the coroner. Upon the arrival of that public functionary
some days later, a pile of nice clean bones was discovered, with this
touching epitaph inscribed with a lead pencil upon a segment of the
skull:
“Yur lize wot cant be chawd of Chineece jaik; xekewted bi me fur a
plitikle awfens, and et bi mi starven hogs, wich aint hed nuthin afore
sence jaix boss stoal mi korn. BIL ROPER, and ov sich is Kingdem cum.”
.... The following report of an autopsy is of peculiar interest to
physicians and Christians:—Case 81st.—_Felo de se_. Yow Kow, yellow,
male, Chinese, aged 94; found dead on the street; addicted to opium.
_Autopsy_—sixteen hours after death. Slobbering at the mouth; head
caved in; immense rigor mortis; eyes dilated and gouged out; abdomen
lacerated; hemorrhage from left ear. _Head_. Water on the brain; scalp
congested, rather; when burst with a mallet interior of head resembled
a war map. _Thorax_. Charge of buckshot in left lung; diaphragm
suffused; heart wanting—finger marks in that vicinity; traces of
hobnails outside. _Abdomen_. Lacerated as aforesaid; small intestines
cumbered with brick dust; slingshot in duodenum; boot-heel imbedded in
pelvis; butcher’s knife fixed rigidly in right kidney.
_Remarks:_ Chinese immigration will ruin any country in the world.