“Hinnissy, if iver we have war with what me frind Carl Schurz'd call th'
Mother County, it'll not come fr'm anny Vinnyzwalan question. Ye can't
get me excited over th' throbbin' debate on th' location iv th' Orynocoo
River or whether th' miners that go to Alaska f'r goold ar're buried be
th' Canajeen or th' American authorities. Ye bet ye can't. But some
day we'll be beat in a yacht r-race or done up at futball an' thin what
Hogan call th' dogs iv war'll break out iv th' kennel an' divastate th'
wurruld.”
“Well,” said Mr. Hennessy, complacently, “if we wait f'r that we might
as well disband our navy.”
“I dinnaw about that,” said Mr. Dooley, “I dinnaw abut that; afther ye
left to investigate th' ir'n foundhries an' other pitcheresque roons iv
this misguided counthry, I wint out to give a few raw rahs f'r me fellow
colleejens, who was attimptin' to dimonsthrate their supeeryority over
th' effete scholars iv England at what I see be th' pa-apers is called
th' Olympian games. Ye get to th' Olympian games be suffocation in
a tunnel. Whin ye come to, ye pay four shillin's or a dollar in our
degraded currency, an' stand in th' sun an' look at th' Prince iv Wales.
Th' Prince iv Wales looks at ye, too, but he don't see ye.”
“Me frind, th' American ambassadure was there, an' manny iv th' seats iv
larnin' in th' gran' stand was occupied be th' flower iv our seminaries
iv meditation or thought conservatories. I r-read it in th' pa-apers.
At th' time I come in they was recitin' a pome fr'm th' Greek, to a
thoughtful-lookin' young profissor wearin' th' star-spangled banner f'r
a necktie an' smokin' a cigareet. 'Now, boys,' says th' profissor, 'all
together.' 'Rickety, co-ex, co-ex, hullabaloo, bozoo, bozoo, Harvard,'
says th' lads. I was that proud iv me belovid counthry that I wanted
to take off me hat there an' thin an' give th' colledge yell iv th'
Ar-rchey road reform school. But I was resthrained be a frind iv mine
that I met comin' over. He was fr'm Matsachoosetts, an' says he:
'Don't make a disturbance,' he says. 'We've got to create a fav'rable
impression here,' he says, 'Th' English,' he says, 'niver shows
enthusyasm,' he says. 'Tis regarded as unpolite,' he says. 'If ye yell,'
he says, 'they'll think we want to win,' he says, 'an' we didn't come
over here to win,' he says. 'Let us show thim,' he says, 'that we're
gintlemen, be it iver so painful,' he says. An' I resthrained mesilf be
puttin' me fist in me mouth.”
{Illustration}
“They was an Englishman standin' behind me, Hinnissy, an' he was a
model iv behaviour f'r all Americans intindin' to take up their homes in
Cubia. Ye cudden't get this la-ad war-rmed up if ye built a fire undher
him. He had an eye-glass pinned to his face an' he niver even smiled
whin a young gintleman fr'm Harvard threw a sledge hammer wan mile, two
inches. A fine la-ad, that Harvard man, but if throwin' th' hammer's
spoort, thin th' rowlin' mills is th' athletic cintre iv our belovid
counthry. Whin an Englishman jumped further thin another la-ad, me frind
th' Ice-box, says he: 'H'yah, h'yah!' So whin an American la-ad lept up
in th' air as though he'd been caught be th' anchor iv a baloon, I says:
'H'yah, h'yah!' too. Whin a sign iv th' effete aristocracy iv England
done up sivral free-bor-rn Americans fr'm Boston in a fut r-race, me
frind the Farthest North, he grabs his wan glass eye an' says he: 'Well
r-run, Cambridge!' he says; 'Well r-run,' he says. An' 'Well r-run,
whativer colledge ye're fr'm,' says I, whin wan iv our la-ads jumped
over a fence ahead iv some eager but consarvative English scholars.”
“Well, like a good game, it come three an' three. Three times had
victhry perched upon our banner an' thrice--I see it in th' pa-aper--had
th' flag iv th' mother counthry proclaimed that Englishmen can r-run. It
was thryin' on me narves an' I wanted to yell whin th' tie was r-run
off but th' man fr'm Matsachoosetts says: 'Contain ye'ersilf,' he says.
'Don't allow ye'er frinzied American spirit to get away with ye'er
manners,' he says. 'Obsarve.' he says, 'th' ca'm with which our brother
Anglo-Saxon views th' scene,' he says. 'Ah!' he says, 'they're off
an' be th' jumpin' George Wash'nton, I bet ye that fellow fr'm West
Newton'll make that red-headed, long-legged, bread-ballasted Englishman
look like thirty cints. 'Hurroo,' he says. 'Go on, Harvard,' he says.
'Go on,' he says. 'Rah, rah, rah,' he says. 'Ate him up, chew him up,'
he says. 'Harvard!' he says.”
“I looked ar-round at th' ca'm dispassyonate Englishman. He dhropped his
eye-glass so he cud see th' race an' he had his cane in th' air. 'Well
r-run,' he says. 'Well r-run, Cambridge,' he says. 'Pull him down,'
he says. 'Run over him,' he says. 'Thrip him up,' he says. 'They can't
r-run,' he says, 'except whin they're Ph'lipinos behind thim,' he says.
'Well r-run,' he says, an' he welted th' man fr'm Matsachoosetts with
his cane. 'Be careful what ye're doin' there,' says th' Anglo-Saxon.
'If it wasn't f'r th' 'liance I'd punch ye'er head off,' he says. 'An','
says th' ca'm Englishman, 'if it wasn't f'r our common hurtage,' he
says, 'I'd make ye jump over th' gran' stand,' he says. 'Th' English
always cud beat us r-runnin',' says the sage iv Matsachoosetts. 'Th'
Americans start first an' finishes last,' says th' Englishman. An' I had
to pull thim apart.”
“Whether it is that our American colleejans spinds too much iv their
lung power in provin' their devotion to what Hogan calls their
Almy Matthers or not, I dinnaw, but annyhow, we had to dhrag th'
riprisintative iv our branch iv th' Anglo-Saxon an' Boheemyan
civilization in th' three-mile race fr'm undher two thousand iv our
cousins or brothers-in-law that was ca'mly an' soberly, but hurridly an'
noisily chargin' acrost th' thrack to cheer their own man.”
“Me frind fr'm Matsachoosets was blue as we winded our way to th'
sthrangulation railway an' started back f'r home. 'I'm sorry,' he says,
'to lose me timper,' he says, 'but,' he says, 'afther all th' pretinded
affection iv these people f'r us,' he says, 'an' afther all we've done
f'r thim in Alaska an'--an' ivrywhere,' he says, 'an' thim sellin' us
coal whin they might've sold it to th' Spanyards if th' Spanyards'd
had th' money,' he says, 'to see th' conduct iv that coarse an' brutal
Englishman--' 'Th' wan that won th' r-race?' says I. 'Yes,' he says.
'No, I mean th' wan that lammed me with his cane,' he says. 'If it
hadn't been,' he says, 'that we're united,' he says, 'be a common
pathrimony,' he says, 'I'd've had his life,' he says. 'Ye wud so,' says
I, 'an' ye're r-right,' I says. 'If all th' la-ads enthered into th'
r-races with th' same spirit ye show now,' I says, 'th' English flag'd
be dhroopin' fr'm th' staff, an' Cyrus Bodley iv Wadham, Mass., 'd be
paintin' th' stars an' sthripes on th' Nelson monnymint,' I says. 'Whin
we hated th' English,' I says, 'an' a yacht r-race was li'ble to end in
a war message fr'm the prisidint, we used to bate thim,' I says. 'Now,'
says I, 'whin we're afraid to injure their feelin's,' I says, 'an' whin
we 'pologise befure we punch, they bate us,' I says. 'They're used to
'pologisin' with wan hand an' punchin' with th' other,' I says. 'Th'
on'y way is th' way iv me cousin Mike,' I says. 'He was a gr-reat
rassler an' whin he had a full Nelson on th' foolish man that wint again
him, he used to say, 'Dear me, am I breakin' ye'er neck, I hope so.'”
“But th' Matsachoosetts man didn't see it that way. An' some time, I
tell ye, Hinnissy, an' Englishman'll put th' shot wan fut further than
wan iv our men th' Lord save us fr'm th' disgrace!--an' th' next day
we'll invade Canada.”
“We ought to do it, annyhow,” said Mr. Hennessy stoutly.
“We wud,” said Mr. Dooley, “if we were sure we cud lave it aftherwards.”