“Well, sir,” said Mr. Dooley, “'tis good to see that th' gloryous ol'
commonwealth iv Kentucky is itsilf again.”
“How's that?” asked Mr. Hennessy.
“F'r some time past,” said Mr. Dooley, “they's been nawthin' doin'
that'd make a meetin' iv th' Epworth League inthrestin'. Th' bystanders
in Kentucky has been as safe as a journeyman highwayman in Chicago.
Perfectly innocent an' unarmed men wint into th' state an' come out
again without a bullethole in their backs. It looked f'r awhile as if
th' life iv th' ordn'ry visitor was goin' to be as harmless in Kentucky
as in Utah, th' home iv th' desthroyers iv American domestic life. I
dinnaw why it was, whether it was th' influence iv our new citizens in
Cubia an' th' Ph'lippeens or what it was, but annyhow th' on'y news that
come out iv Kentucky was as peaceful, Hinnissy, as th' rayports iv a
bloody battle in South Africa. But Kentucky, as Hogan says, was not dead
but on'y sleepin'. Th' other day that gran' ol' state woke up through
two iv its foremost rapid firin' citizens.”
“They met be chanst in a hotel con-tagious to a bar. Colonel Derringer
was settin' in a chair peacefully fixin' th' hammer iv his forty-four
Colt gun, presinted to him be his constitooents on th' occasion iv his
mim'rable speech on th' nicissity iv spreadin' th' civilization iv th'
United States to th' ends iv th' wur-ruld. Surroundin' him was Major
Bullseye, a well-known lawyer, cattle-raiser an' journalist iv Athens,
Bulger County, whose desthruction iv Captain Cassius Glaucus Wiggins at
th' meetin' iv' th' thrustees in th' Sicond Baptist Church excited
so much comment among spoortin' men three or four years ago, Gin'ral
Rangefinder iv Thebes, Colonel Chivvy iv Sparta, who whittled Major
Lycurgus Gam iv Thermopylae down to th' wishbone at th' anti-polygamist
meetin' las' June, an' other well-known gintlemen.”
“Th' party was suddenly confronted be Major Lyddite iv Carthage an'
a party iv frinds who were in town for th' purpose iv protectin' th'
suffrage again' anny pollution but their own. Colonel Derringer an'
Major Lyddite had been inimies f'r sivral months, iver since Major
Lyddite in an attimpt to desthroy wan iv his fellow-citizens killed a
cow belongin' to th' janial Colonel. Th' two gintlemen had sworn f'r to
slay each other at sight or thirty days, an' all Kentucky society
has been on what Hogan calls th' _quee veev_ or look-out f'r another
thrajeedy to be added to th' long list iv sim'lar ivints that marks th'
histhry iv th' Dark an' Bloody Groun'--which is a name given to Kentucky
be her affectionate sons.”
{Illustration}
“Without a wur-rud or a bow both gintlemen dhrew on each other an'
begun a deadly fusillade. That is, Hinnissy, they begun shootin' at
th' bystanders. I'll tell ye what th' pa-apers said about it. Th' two
antagonists was in perfect form an' well sustained th' reputation iv th'
state f'r acc'rate workmanship. Colonel Derringer's first shot caught a
boot an' shoe drummer fr'm Chicago square in th' back amid consid'rable
applause. Major Lyddite tied th' scoor be nailin' a scrubwoman on th'
top iv a ladder. Th' man at th' traps sprung a bell boy whom th' Colonel
on'y winged, thus goin' back wan, but his second barrel brought down a
book-canvasser fr'm New York, an' this bein' a Jew man sint him ahead
three. Th' Major had an aisy wan f'r th' head waiter, nailin' him just
as he jumped into a coal hole. Four all. Th' Colonel thried a difficult
polisman, lamin' him. Thin th' Major turned his attintion to his own
frinds, an' made three twos in succession. Th' Colonel was not so
forch'nate. He caught Major Bullseye an' Captain Wiggins, but Gin'ral
Rangefinder was safe behind a barber's pole an' Colonel Chivvy fluttered
out iv range. Thus th' scoor was tin to six at th' conclusion iv th'
day's spoort in favor iv Major Lyddite. Unforchnately th' gallant Major
was onable f'r to reap th' reward iv his excellent marksmanship, f'r in
a vain indeavor f'r a large scoor, he chased th' barber iv th' sicond
chair into th' street, an' there slippin' on a banana peel, fell an'
sustained injuries fr'm which he subsequently died. In him th' counthry
loses a valu'ble an' acc'rate citizen, th' state a lile an' rapid firin'
son, an' society a leadin' figure, his meat-market an' grocery bein' wan
iv th' largest outside iv Minerva. Some idee iv th' acc'racy iv th'
fire can be gained fr'm th' detailed scoor, as follows: Lyddite, three
hearts, wan lung, wan kidney, five brains. Derringer, four hearts,
two brains. This has seldom been excelled. Among th' minor casualties
resultin' fr'm this painful but delightful soiree was th' followin':
Erastus Haitch Muggins, kilt be jumpin' fr'm th' roof; Blank Cassidy,
hide an' pelt salesman fr'm Chicago, burrid undher victims; Captain
Epaminondas Lucius Quintus Cassius Marcellus Xerxes Cyrus Bangs of
Hoganpolis, Hamilcar Township, Butseen County, died iv hear-rt disease
whin his scoor was tied. Th' las' named was a prominent leader in
society, a crack shot an' a gintleman iv th' ol' school without fear an'
without reproach. His son succeeds to his lunch car. Th' others don't
count.”
“'Twas a gr-reat day f'r Kentucky, Hinnissy, an' it puts th' gran'
ol' state two or three notches ahead iv anny sim'lar community in th'
wur-ruld. Talk about th' Boer war an' th' campaign in th' Ph'lippeens!
Whin Kentucky begins f'r to shoot up her fav'rite sons they'll be more
blood spilled thin thim two play wars'd spill between now an' th' time
whin Ladysmith's relieved f'r th' las' time an' Agynaldoo is r-run up
a three in th' outermost corner iv Hoar County, state iv Luzon. They'se
rale shootin' in Kentucky, an' whin it begins ivrybody takes a hand.
'Tis th' on'y safe way. If ye thry to be an onlooker an' what they calls
a non-combatant 'tis pretty sure ye'll be taken home to ye'er fam'ly
lookin' like a cribbage-boord. So th' thing f'r ye to do is to be wan iv
th' shooters ye'ersilf, load up ye'er gun an' whale away f'r th' honor
iv ye'er counthry.”
“'Tis a disgrace,” said Mr. Hennessy. “Where were th' polis?”
“This was not th' place f'r a polisman,” said Mr. Dooley. “I suspict
though, fr'm me knowledge iv th' kind iv man that uses firear-rms that
if some wan'd had th' prisence iv mind to sing out 'They'se a man at th'
bar that offers to buy dhrinks f'r th' crowd,' they'd be less casu'lties
fr'm bullets, though they might be enough people kilt in th' r-rush to
even it up. But whin I read about these social affairs in Kentucky, I
sometimes wish some spool cotton salesman fr'm Matsachoosets, who'd
be sure to get kilt whin th' shootin' begun, wud go down there with a
baseball bat an' begin tappin' th' gallant gintlemen on th' head befure
breakfast an' in silf definse. I'll bet ye he'd have thim jumpin'
through thransoms in less thin two minyits, f'r ye can put this down as
thrue fr'm wan that's seen manny a shootin', that a man, barrin' he's a
polisman, on'y dhraws a gun whin he's dhrunk or afraid. Th' gun fighter,
Hinnissy, tin to wan is a cow'rd.”
“That's so,” said Mr. Hennessy. “But it don't do to take anny chances
on.”
“No,” said Mr. Dooley, “he might be dhrunk.”