“If this r-rush iv people to th' Paris exposition keeps up,” said Mr.
Hennessy, “they won't be enough left here f'r to ilict a prisidint.”
“They'll be enough left,” said Mr. Dooley. “There always is. No wan
has gone fr'm Arrchey r-road, where th' voters ar-re made. I've looked
ar-round ivry mornin' expectin' to miss some familyar faces. I thought
Dorgan, th' plumber, wud go sure, but he give it up at th' las' moment,
an' will spind his summer on th' dhrainage canal. Th' baseball season
'll keep a good manny others back, an' a number iv riprisintative
cit'zens who have stock or jobs in th' wire mills have decided that 'tis
much betther to inthrust their savin's to John W. Gates thin to blow
thim in again th' sthreets iv Cairo.”
“But takin' it by an' large 'twill be a hard winter f'r th' r-rich.
Manny iv thim will have money enough f'r to return, but they'll be much
sufferin' among thim. I ixpict to have people dhroppin' in here nex'
fall with subscription books f'r th' survivors iv th' Paris exhibition.
Th' women down be th' rollin' mills 'll be sewin' flannels f'r th'
disthressed millyonaires, an' whin th' childher kick about th' food
ye'll say, Hinnissy, 'Just think iv th' poor wretches in th' Lake
Shore dhrive an' thank Gawd f'r what ye have.' Th' mayor 'll open soup
kitchens where th' unforchnit people can come an' get a hearty meal an'
watch th' ticker, an' whin th' season grows hard, ye'll see pinched an'
hungry plutocrats thrampin' th' sthreets with signs r-readin': 'Give us
a cold bottle or we perish.' Perhaps th' polis 'll charge thim an'
bust in their stovepipe hats, th' prisidint 'll sind th' ar-rmy here, a
conspiracy 'll be discovered at th' club to blow up th' poorhouse, an'
volunteers 'll be called on fr'm th' nickel bed houses to protect th'
vested inthrests iv established poverty.”
“'Twill be a chanst f'r us to get even, Hinnissy. I'm goin' to organize
th' Return Visitin' Nurses' association, composed entirely iv victims iv
th' parent plant. 'Twill be worth lookin' at to see th' ladies fr'm th'
stock yards r-rushin' into some wretched home down in Peerary avenue,
grabbin' th' misthress iv th' house be th' shouldhers an' makin' her
change her onhealthy silk dhress f'r a pink wrapper, shovelin' in
a little ashes to sprinkle on th' flure, breakin' th' furniture an'
rollin' th' baby in th' coal box. What th' r-rich needs is intilligint
attintion. 'Don't ate that oatmeal. Fry a nice piece iv r-round steak
with onions, give th' baby th' bone to play with, an' sind Lucille
Ernestine acrost th' railroad thrack f'r a nickel's worth iv beer.
Thin ye'll be happy, me good woman.' Oh, 'twill be gran'. I won't
give annything to people that come to th' dure. More har-m is done be
indiscriminate charity than anny wan knows, Hinnissy. Half th' bankers
that'll come to ye-er kitchen nex' winter cud find plenty iv wurruk to
do if they really wanted it. Dhrink an' idleness is th' curse iv
th' class. If they come to me I'll sind thim to th' Paris Survivors'
Mechanical Relief Association, an' they can go down an' set on a cake iv
ice an' wait till th' man in charge finds thim a job managin' a diamond
mine.”
{Illustration}
Mr. Hennessy dismissed Mr. Dooley's fancy sketch with a grin and
remarked: “These here expositions is a gran' thing f'r th' progress iv
th' wurruld.”
“Ye r-read that in th' pa-apers,” said Mr. Dooley, “an' it isn't so.
Put it down fr'm me, Hinnissy, that all expositions is a blind f'r th'
hootchy-kootchy dance. They'll be some gr-reat exhibits at th' Paris
fair. Th' man that has a machine that'll tur-rn out three hundhred
thousan' toothpicks ivry minyit'll sind over his inthrestin' device,
they'll be mountains iv infant food an' canned prunes, an' pickle
casters, an' pants, an' boots, an' shoes an' paintin's. They'll be all
th' wondhers iv modhern science. Ye can see how shirts ar-re made, an'
what gives life to th' sody fountain. Th' man that makes th' glue that
binds 'll be wearin' more medals thin an officer iv th' English ar-rmy
or a cinchry bicycle rider, an' years afther whin ye see a box iv soap
ye'll think iv th' manufacthrer standin' up befure a hundhred thousan'
frinzied Fr-rinchmen in th' Boss du Boloney while th' prisidint iv th'
Fr-rinch places a goold wreath on his fair brow an' says: 'In th' name
iv th' ar-rts an' science, undher th' motto iv our people, “Libertinity,
insanity, an' frugality,” I crown ye th' champeen soapmaker iv th'
wurruld. {Cheers.} Be ye'er magnificint invintion ye have dhrawn closer
th' ties between Paris an' Goshen, Indyanny {frantic applause}, which I
hope will niver be washed away. I wish ye much success as ye climb th'
lather iv fame.' Th' invintor is thin dhrawn ar-roun' th' sthreets iv
Paris in a chariot pulled be eight white horses amid cries iv 'Veev
Higgins,' 'Abase Castile,' et cethra, fr'm th' populace. An' manny a
heart beats proud in Goshen that night. That's th' way ye think iv it,
but it happens diff'rent, Hinnissy. Th' soap king, th' prune king, an'
th' porous plaster king fr'm here won't stir up anny tumult in Paris
this year. Th' chances ar-re th' prisidint won't know they're there, an'
no wan'll speak to thim but a cab dhriver, an' he'll say: 'Th' fare fr'm
th' Changs All Easy to th' Roo de Roo is eighteen thousan' francs, but
I'll take ye there f'r what ye have in ye-er pockets.'”
“The millyonaire that goes over there to see th' piled up riches iv th'
wurruld in sausage-makin' 'll take a look ar-round him an' he'll say to
th' first polisman he meets: 'Gossoon, this is a fine show an' I know
yon palace is full to th' seams with chiny-ware an' washtubs, but wud ye
be so kind, mong brav', as to p'int out with ye-er club th' partic'lar
house where th' houris fr'm th' sultan's harem dances so well without
the aid iv th' human feet?' I know how it was whin we had th' fair here.
I had th' best intintions in th' wurruld to find out what I ought
to have larned fr'm me frind Armour, how with th' aid iv Gawdgiven
machinery ye can make a bedstead, a pianola, a dozen whisk-brooms, a
barrel iv sour mash whisky, a suit iv clothes, a lamp chimbly, a wig,
a can iv gunpowdher, a bah'rl iv nails, a prisidintial platform, an' a
bur-rdcage out iv what remains iv th' cow-I was detarmined to probe
into th' wondhers iv science, an' I started fair f'r th' machinery hall.
Where did I bring up, says ye? In th' fr-ront seat iv a playhouse with
me eye glued on a lady iv th' sultan's coort, near Brooklyn bridge,
thryin' to twisht out iv hersilf.”
“No, Hinnissy, they'll be manny things larned be Americans that goes to
Paris, but they won't be about th' 'convarsion iv boots into food, or
vicey varsa,' as Hogan says. An' that's r-right. If I wint over there
'tis little time I'd be spindin' thryin' to discover how th' wondhers iv
mechanical janius are projooced that makes livin' so much more healthy
an' oncomfortable. But whin I got to Paris I'd hire me a hack or a dhray
painted r-red, an' I'd put me feet out th' sides an' I'd say to th'
dhriver: 'Rivolutionist, pint ye-er horse's head to'rds th'home iv th'
skirt dance, hit him smartly, an' go to sleep. I will see th' snow-plow
show an' th' dentisthry wurruk in th' pa-apers. F'r th' prisint I'll
devote me attintion to makin' a noise in th' sthreets an' studyin' human
nature.'”
“Ye'd be a lively ol' buck over there,” said Mr. Hennessy, admiringly.
'“Tis a good thing ye can't go.”
“It is so,” said Mr. Dooley. “I'm glad I have no millyonaire rilitives
to be depindent on me f'r support whin th' show's over.”