“That sthrikes me as a gran' platform,” said Mr. Hennessy. “I'm with it
fr'm start to finish.”
“Sure ye are,” said Mr. Dooley, “an' so ye'd be if it begun: 'We
denounce Terence Hinnissy iv th' Sixth Ward iv Chicago as a thraitor
to his country, an inimy iv civilization, an' a poor thing.' Ye'd say:
'While there are wan or two things that might be omitted, th' platform
as a whole is a statesmanlike docymint, an' wan that appeals to th'
intelligince iv American manhood.' That's what ye'd say, an' that's what
all th' likes iv ye'd say. An' whin iliction day comes 'round th' on'y
question ye'll ast ye'ersilf is: 'Am I with Mack or am I with Billy
Bryan?' An accordin'ly ye'll vote.”
“'Tis always th' same way, an' all platforms is alike. I mind wanst whin
I was an alter-nate to th' county con-vintion--'twas whin I was a power
in pollytics an' th' on'y man that cud do annything with th' Bohemian
vote--I was settin' here wan night with a pen an' a pot iv ink befure
me, thryin' to compose th' platform f'r th' nex' day, f'r I was a lithry
man in a way, d'ye mind, an' I knew th' la-ads'd want a few crimps put
in th' raypublicans in a ginteel style, an' 'd be sure to call on me f'r
to do it. Well, I'd got as far down as th' tariff an' was thryin' f'r to
express me opinyon without swearin', whin who shud come in but Lafferty,
that was sicrety iv McMahon, that was th' Main Guy in thim days, but
aftherward thrun down on account iv him mixin' up between th' Rorkes an'
th' Dorseys. Th' Main Guy Down Town said he wudden't have no throuble
in th' ward, an' he declared McMahon out. McMahon had too much money
annyhow. If he'd kept on, dollar bills'd have been extinct outside iv
his house. But he was a sthrong man in thim days an' much liked.”
“Anyhow, Lafferty, that was his sicrety, come in, an' says he: 'What are
ye doin' there?' says he. 'Step soft,' says I; 'I am at wurruk,' I says.
'Ye shudden't do lithry wurruk on an empty stomach,' says he. 'I do
nawthin' on an empty stomach but eat,' says I. 'I've had me supper,' I
says. 'Go 'way,' says I, 'till I finish th' platform,' I says. 'What's
th' platform?' says he.'F'r th' county con-vintion,' says I.
“Well, sir, he set down on a chair, an' I thought th' man was goin' to
die right there on the premises with laughter. 'Whin ye get through
with ye'er barkin',' says I, 'I'll throuble ye to tell me what ye may be
doin' it f'r,' I says. 'I see nawthin' amusin' here but ye'er prisince,'
I says, 'an' that's not a divvle iv a lot funnier than a wooden leg,'
I says, f'r I was mad. Afther awhile he come to, an' says he: 'Ye
don't raally think,' says he, 'that ye'll get a chanct to spring that
platform,' he says. 'I do,' says I. 'Why,' he says, 'the platform has
been adopted,' he says. 'Whin?' says I. 'Befure ye were born,' says he.
'In th' reign iv Bildad th' first,' says he--he was a larned man, was
Lafferty, though a dhrinkin' man. All sicreties iv pollyticians not in
office is dhrinkin' men, Hinnissy. 'Ive got th' copy iv it here in me
pocket,' he says. 'Th' boss give it to me to bring it up to date,' he
says. 'They was no sthrike last year an' we've got to put a sthrike
plank in th' platform or put th' prisident iv th' Lumber Shovers' union
on th' county board, an',' he says, 'they ain't room,' he says.
“'Why,' says Lafferty, 'ye ought to know th' histhry iv platforms,' he
says. An' he give it to me, an' I'll give it to ye. Years ago, Hinnissy,
manny years ago, they was a race between th' dimmycrats an' th'
raypublicans f'r to see which shud have a choice iv principles. Th'
dimmycrats lost. I dinnaw why. Mebbe they stopped to take a dhrink.
Annyhow, they lost. Th' raypublicans come up an' they choose th' 'we
commind' principles, an' they was nawthin' left f'r the dimmycrats but
th' 'we denounce an' deplores.' I dinnaw how it come about, but th'
dimmycrats didn't like th' way th' thing shtud, an' so they fixed it
up between thim that whichiver won at th' iliction shud commind an'
congratulate, an' thim that lost shud denounce an' deplore. An' so it's
been, on'y the dimmycrats has had so little chanct f'r to do annything
but denounce an' deplore that they've almost lost th' use iv th' other
wurruds.
“Mack sets back in Wash'nton an' writes a platform f'r th' comity on
risolutions to compose th' week afther. He's got a good job--forty-nine
ninety-two, sixty-six a month--an' 'tis up to him to feel good.
'I--I mean we,' he says, 'congratulate th' counthry on th' matchless
statesmanship, on-shrinkin' courage, steady devotion to duty an'
principle iv that gallant an' hon'rable leader, mesilf,' he says to his
sicrety. 'Take that,' he says, 'an' elaborate it,' he says. 'Ye'll find
a ditchnry on th' shelf near the dure,' he says, 'if ye don't think I've
put what I give ye sthrong enough,' he says. 'I always was,' he says,
'too retirin' f'r me own good,' he says. 'Spin out th' r-rest,' he says,
'to make about six thousan' wurruds,' he says, 'but be sure don't write
annything too hot about th' Boer war or th' Ph'lippeens or Chiny, or
th' tariff, or th' goold question, or our relations with England, or
th' civil sarvice,' he says. 'Tis a foolish man,' he says, 'that throws
a hunk iv coal fr'm his own window at th' dhriver iv a brick wagon,' he
says.”
“But with Billy Bryan 'tis diff'rent. He's out in Lincoln, Neebrasky,
far fr'm home, an' he says to himsilf: 'Me throat is hoarse, an' I'll
exercise me other fac'lties,' he says. 'I'll write a platform,' he says.
An' he sets down to a typewriter, an' denounces an' deplores till th'
hired man blows th' dinner horn. Whin he can denounce an' deplore no
longer he views with alarm an' declares with indignation. An' he sinds
it down to Kansas City, where th' cot beds come fr'm.”
“Oh, ye're always pitchin' into some wan,” said Mr. Hennessy. “I bet ye
Willum Jennings Bryan niver see th' platform befure it wint in. He's too
good a man.”
“He is all iv that,” said Mr. Dooley. “But ye bet he knows th' rale
platform f'r him is: 'Look at th' bad breaks Mack's made,' an' Mack's
platform is: 'Ye'd get worse if ye had Billy Bryan.' An' it depinds on
whether most iv th' voters ar-re tired out or on'y a little tired who's
ilicted. All excipt you, Hinnissy. Ye'll vote f'r Bryan?”
“I will,” said Mr. Hennessy.
“Well,” said Mr. Dooley, “d'ye know, I suspicted ye might.”