“Well, sir, me little Chinee frind Woo must be havin' th' time iv his
life in Wash'nton these warm days,” said Mr. Dooley.
“Who's he?” asked Mr. Hennessy.
“He's th' Chinee ministher,” said Mr. Dooley, “an' his business is f'r
to supply fresh hand-laundhried misinformation to the sicrety iv state.
Th' sicrety iv state is settin' in his office feelin' blue because
he's just heerd be a specyal corryspondint iv th' London Daily Pail at
Sydney, Austhreelya, who had it fr'm a slatewriter in Duluth that an
ar-rmy iv four hundherd an' eight thousan' millyon an' sivinty-five
bloodthirsty Chinee, ar-rmed with flatirnes an' cryin', 'Bung Loo!'
which means, Hinnissy, 'Kill th' foreign divvles, dhrive out th'
missionries, an' set up in Chiny a gover'mint f'r the Chinee,' is
marchin' on Vladivostook in Siberyia, not far fr'm Tinsin.”
A knock comes at th' dure an' Woo enthers. 'Well,' says he, with a happy
smile, ''tis all right.' 'What's all right?' says the sicrety iv state.
'Ivrything,' says Woo. 'I have just found a letter sewed in a shirt fr'm
me frind Lie Much, th' viceroy iv Bumbang. It is dated th' fourth hour
iv th' third day iv th' eighth or green-cheese moon,' he says. 'What day
is that?' says the sicrety iv state. 'It's Choosdah, th' fourth iv July;
Winsdah, th' eighth iv October, an' Thursdah, the sivinteenth iv March,'
he says. 'Pathrick's day,' says th' sicrety iv state. 'Thrue f'r ye,'
says Woo. 'What year?' says Jawn Hay. 'The year iv th' big wind,' says
Woo. 'Good,' says John Hay, 'proceed with ye'er story.' 'Here's th'
letther,' says Woo. 'I know 'tis genooyine because it is an ol' dhress
patthern used be th' impress. It says: 'Oscar Woo, care iv himsilf,
annywhere: Dear Woo, brother iv th' moon, uncle iv th' sun, an' roommate
iv th' stars, dear sir: Yours iv th' eighth day iv th' property moon
rayceived out iv th' air yesterdah afthernoon or to-morrow, an' was glad
to note ye ar-re feelin' well. Ivrything over here is th' same ol'
pair iv boots. Nawthin' doin'. Peking is as quiet as th' gr-rave. Her
majesty, th' impress, is sufferin' slightly fr'm death be poison, but is
still able to do th' cookin' f'r the Rooshan ambassadure. Th' impror was
beheaded las' week an' feels so much betther f'r the op'ration that he
expicts to be quarthered nex' Sundah. He's always wanted to rayjooce his
weight. Some iv th' Boxers called on th' foreigners at Tinsin las' week
an' met a warrum rayciption. Th' foreigners aftherward paid a visit to
thim through a hole in th' wall, an' a jolly day concluded with a foot
race, at which our people are becomin' expert. Some iv th' boys expicts
to come up to Peking nex' week, an' th' people along th' line iv th'
railroad are gettin' ready f'r thim. This is really all the news I have,
excipt that cherries ar-re ripe. Me pin is poor, me ink is dhry, me love
f'r you can niver die. Give me regards to Sicrety Hay whin he wakes up.
I remain, illusthrus cousin iv th' risin' dawn, thruly ye'ers, Li.