Mr. Dooley was reading the war news--not our war news but the war news
we are interested in--when Mr. Hennessy interrupted him to ask “What's a
war expert?”
“A war expert,” said Mr. Dooley, “is a man ye niver heerd iv befure.
If ye can think iv annywan whose face is onfamilyar to ye an' ye don't
raymimber his name, an' he's got a job on a pa-aper ye didn't know was
published, he's a war expert. 'Tis a har-rd office to fill. Whin a war
begins th' timptation is sthrong f'r ivry man to grab hold iv a gun
an go to th' fr-ront. But th' war expert has to subjoo his cravin' f'r
blood. He says to himsilf 'Lave others seek th' luxuries iv life in
camp,' he says. 'F'r thim th' boat races acrost th' Tugela, th' romp
over the kopje, an' th' game iv laager, laager who's got th' laager?' he
says. 'I will stand be me counthry,' he says, 'close,' he says. 'If it
falls,' he says, 'it will fall on me,' he says. An' he buys himsilf a
map made be a fortune teller in a dhream, a box iv pencils an' a field
glass, an' goes an' looks f'r a job as a war expert. Says th' editor
iv th' pa-aper: 'I don't know ye. Ye must be a war expert,' he says. 'I
am,' says th' la-ad. 'Was ye iver in a war?' says th' editor. 'I've been
in nawthin' else,' says th' la-ad. 'Durin' th' Spanish-American War,
I held a good job as a dhramatic critic in Dedham, Matsachoosets,' he
says. 'Whin th' bullets flew thickest in th' Soodan I was spoortin'
editor iv th' Christyan Advocate,' he says. 'I passed through th'
Franco-Prooshan War an' held me place, an' whin th' Turks an' Rooshans
was at each other's throats, I used to lay out th' campaign ivry day on
a checker board,' he says. 'War,' he says, has no turrors f'r me,' he
says. 'Ye're th man f'r th' money,' says th' editor. An' he gets th'
job.”
“Thin th' war breaks out in earnest. No matther how manny is kilt,
annything that happens befure th' war expert gets to wurruk is on'y what
we might call a prelimin'ry skirmish. He sets down an' bites th' end
iv his pencil an' looks acrost th' sthreet an' watches a man paintin' a
sign. Whin th' man gets through he goes to th' window an' waits to see
whether th' polisman that wint into th' saloon is afther a dhrink or
sarvin' a warrant. If he comes r-right out 'tis a warrant. Thin he sets
back in a chair an' figures out that th' pitchers on th' wall pa-aper
ar-re all alike ivry third row. Whin his mind is thurly tuned up be
these inthricate problems, he dashes to his desk an' writes what you an'
I read th' nex' day in th' pa-apers.”
“Clarence Pontoon, th' military expert iv th' London Mornin' Dhram,
reviewin' Gin'ral Buller's position on th' Tugela, says: 'It is manifest
fr'm th' dispatches tellin' that Gin'ral Buller has crost th' Tugela
River that Gin'ral Buller has crost th' Tugela River. This we r-read
in spite iv th' cinsor. Th' question is which side he has crost to. On
Friday he was on th' north side in th' mornin' an' on th' south side at
night, an' in th' river at noon. We heerd nawthin' Sathurdah mornin'.
Th' presumption is that they was nawthin' to hear. Therefore it is
aisy to imagine Gin'ral Buller, findin' his position on th' north
side ontenable an' his position on th' south side onbearable, is
thransportin' his troops up th' river on rafts an' is now engagin'
th' inimy between Spitzozone an' Rottenfontein, two imminsely sthrong
points. All this dimonsthrates th' footility an' foolishness iv
attimptin' to carry a frontal position agains' large, well-fed Dutchmen
with mud in th' fr-ront iv thim.”
“'I cal'clate that it wud require thirty millyon thurly dauntless
Britions to ixicute such a manoover, tin Boers ar-rmed with pop bottles
bein' now considhered th' akel iv a brigade. What I wud do if I was
Buller, an' I thank Hivin I'm not, wud be move me ar-rmy in half-an-hour
over th' high but aisily accessible mountains to th' right iv
Crowrijoy's forces, an' takin' off me shoes so he cudden't hear thim
squeak, creep up behind th' Dutch an' lam their heads off. Afther this
sthroke 'twud be aisy f'r to get th' foorces iv Fr-rinch, Gatacre,
Methoon, an' Winston Churchill together some afthernoon, invite th'
inimy to a band concert, surround an' massacree thim. This adroit move
cud be ixicuted if Roberts wud on'y make use iv th' ixicillint bus
sarvice between Hokesmith an' Mikesmith. It is exthraordinary that th'
gin'ral on th' groun' has not seen th' possibilities so apparent at a
distance.'”
“That's wan kind iv war expert, Hinnissy. Another kind is th' wan that
gives it good to th' gover'mint. Says Willum McGlue, war expert iv
th' London Mornin' Growl, who's supposed to be cheek be jowl with Lord
Wolseley. 'England's greatness is slippin' away. Th' failure iv th'
gover'mint to provide a well-equipped, thurly pathriotic ar-rmy iv Boers
to carry on this war undher th' leadership iv gallant Joobert is
goin' to be our roonation. We ar-re bethrayed be a lazy, effete,
side-whiskered, golf-playin' gover'mint that wud rather lose this fight
thin win it because they ar-re tired iv holdin' office. What can be said
f'r public men so lost to shame that they spell Kopje with a “c”
an' ar-re sindin' Englishmen to th' ends iv th' wurruld to fight f'r
England? Down with thim!'”
“Well sir, 'tis a gr-reat thing f'r a counthry to have th' likes iv thim
ar-round to direct manoovers that'd be gatherin' dust on th' shelf if
th' gin'rals had their say, an' to prove to th' wurruld that th' English
ar-re not frivolous, excitable people like us an' th' Frinch, but can
take a batin' without losin' their heads.”
“Sure,” said Mr. Hennessy, “tis not thim that does th' fightin'. Th'
la-ads with th' guns has that job.”
“Well,” said Mr. Dooley, “they'se two kinds iv fightin'. Th' experts
wants th' ar-rmy to get into Pretoria dead or alive, an' th' sojers
wants to get in alive. I'm no military expert, Hinnissy. I'm too well
known. But I have me own opinyon on th' war. All this talk about th'
rapid fire gun an' modhren methods iv warfare makes me wondher. They'se
not so much diff'rence between war now an' war whin I was a kid, as they
let on. Th' gun that shoots ye best fr'm a distance don't shoot ye so
well close to. A pile iv mud is a pile iv mud now just th' same as it
was whin Gin'ral Grant was pokin' ar-round. If th' British can get over
th' mud pile they win th' fight. If they can't they're done. That's all
they'se to it. Mos' men, sthrongest backs, best eyes an' th' ownership
iv th' mud piles. That's war, Hinnissy. Th' British have th' men.
They're shy iv backs, eyes an' mud piles, an' they will be until they
larn that sheep-herdin' an' gin'ralship ar-re diff'rent things, an' fill
up their ar-rmy with men that ar-re not fightin' f'r money or glory, but
because they want to get home to their wives alive.”
“Ye talk like an' ol book,” said Mr. Hennessy, in disgust. “Ye with
ye-re maundhrin' ar-re no betther thin thim expert la-ads.”
“Well annyhow,” said Mr. Dooley thoughtfully, “th' expert is sarvin' a
useful purpose. Th' papers says th' rapid fire gun'll make war in th'
future impossible. I don't think that, but I know th' expert will.”